Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "kids"

The world is overpopulated?

Over the last couple of years, I've been in conversations with people about the earth's overpopulation. Apparently, there are too many of us. Yep, that's right. Some of us just should not, or are not supposed to be here. Were YOU the one to tip the scale? The kid you had?
"And today's top story, the Hermans had a little baby boy today. Why is this a top story? Well, because newborn Chris Herman has pushed the earth's population into the unlivable. Oh, wait! This just in, an old woman was beaten to death for her change purse on a Wisconsin interstate. We are back to a livable number."
Why just people? There are a lot of dogs. Maybe there are too many dogs. Do you have a dog? Maybe it's time to throw that dog into the street and get the numbers down.
"You've always been good to me, Sparkles, but there's just too many of you. I'll try to make sure you land on a car when I throw you off the balcony."
"Arrrfffff!"
Are there really too many people on the planet? I think it's an excuse.

People use the overpopulation argument as an excuse to not have kids. I've heard people say they're not having kids because there are too many people on earth. Wow. You're taking that upon yourself, Captain Planet? Were you planning on having as many kids as there are residents of Cleveland? No? Then not having one kid probably isn't going to help very much.
"So that future generations don't have to stand on each other, I'm not going to have kids."
"That's great! We could use four hundred thousand less people on the planet."
"Four hundred thousand? What am I, a roach? I was talking about not having one."
"One? You think not having one kid is going to help anything? Listen, man, have the kid. Have three. Hey, Hal! You hear this guy? One kid. One! Hurt the earth more to throw a plastic six-pack holder on the ground. One! Oh, man. That's rich."

"I don't want to have kids because the earth doesn't need anymore." 
Get over yourself. Are you serious? You're doing that for the earth? Just say you don't want kids! You're allowed to think that! Overpopulation seems to be the new 'not ready' for kids.
"Honey, I want to have a baby. We've been together for awhile and I think we're old and mature enough."
"I thought this would come up. Aggghhhh, look. I was in the mall today and there were people everywhere! I'm talking wall-to-wall, 'I-wasn't-alone-in-any-store' people! I just don't think this world needs another face eating at Baskin Robbins."
"So you're saying you can't have a kid because there is no space in the mall?"
"I couldn't even get to the khakis! You know how much I like khakis. I had to just stare at them through people's arms. I just think until it cools down a little bit out there, we should chill."

People say that they don't want to have kids because there's not enough space on the planet. Is it just people taking up all this space? Why not stop Starbucks? There are a lot of those around. They're taking up a lot of space, and you can't even have conversations with them.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good job, my girl's cool. I just can't get happy. Do you know what I mean, 'building on the corner of Main and Church'?"
"..........."
"Yeah. I don't have any answers either. Hey, have you seen Breaking Bad?"
"..........."
"You are a tough nut to crack, building."
People really don't think there's enough space on the planet?
"Where is everyone gonna go? There are people everywhere. Everywhere! I can't walk down aisle two when I want! I can't even open my car doors. I have to live in my car!"
Where's everyone gonna go? I don't know. Most of Canada? Middle America? There's open space everywhere! I'm sure there is some space in Iceland we could move some people to. Greenland. Newfoundland. Any of the places that end in 'land'. Any place where hunting is a recreational activity, there is space.
"You know, I just went hunting and I didn't see one person. Just a bunch of trees. Offer a tree a beer, see what happens. Rude ass tree just looks at you."

You can actually say there's no space? Have you gone everywhere? You've been all over the world and done censuses? Or did you just go to a crowded area, someone bumped into you and you decided that some people deserve to die?
"Man, I can't believe it. That guy bumped into me and spilled my Jamba Juice all over my shirt. There are too many people on this planet. That guy should be set on fire!"
Just because you saw a lot of people in a McDonalds doesn't mean there isn't space on the planet for everyone. You live in a place where there are tons of people. That doesn't mean there's no space at all.

Overpopulation has apparently also given rise to adoption. People say that they don't want to have kids because there are kids who need to be adopted.
"There are tons of kids out there. Do I REALLY need to have my own? Some mother had one, tossed it in a dumpster. One mother's trash is another mother's high school graduate. I'll just dust this one off and raise it."
"Really? It has a beef jerky wrapper stuck to it."
"I said I'll dust it off."
Sure, there are kids out there who need to be raised. That's good of you to do it. But if you're gonna do it, just do it! There's no need for the reason, definitely if the reason is overpopulation.

If overpopulation is even a legitimate argument, then we should find a way to make kids that isn't so fun. Right now? The activity is amazing. Sex is great. Maybe just change the name from sex. That might get people to calm down on wanting to do it.
"Yo, you see that girl over there, man?"
"Yeah. She's hot."
"I wanna 'maybe make a baby' with her tonight'."
"...Are you sure?"
"...Yeah, you're right. Let's just go get some sex."
"Waffles?"
"Waffles."

The overpopulation argument suggests that we should start thinning people out. That we have to control this. Really? We're just gonna decide who stays and who goes? Who's able to have kids and who isn't? Where do we start, bud? What's the application like to be on of the 'people who are not blown away just for being born' list?
"Here is your application."
"Hmmm. Question one. Have you ever liked a tweet, but didn't retweet it just because you were angry about how good it was? Well, sure. Once or twice."
"You have failed. We do not want your kind here. Please throw yourself off of that cliff."

Here's a quick way to see if you would be on the list if we started thinning people out. If you've talked about overpopulation at a bar, you are NOT on the list. You are not on the ship. Neither am I. If thinning people out is because of overpopulation is an actual conversation being had, it's taking place between billionaires behind move away bookshelves. Not over Pabst Blue Ribbon on patio furniture.


Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Halloween and horror movies.


When I was a kid, I hated Halloween. Didn't like any of it. I didn't like feeling pressure to have a good costume. Then, when you got one, having to wear a winter jacket over it so you wouldn't freeze to death walking from house to house asking for candy.
"Trick or treat!"
"Ooohhh. What are you supposed to be?"
"Freezing! Give me the candy so I can put my hands back in my pockets. Really? A handful of candy corn? You ever eat one of these? Thanks for nothing."
I also never really liked the Halloween parades. Remember the Halloween parades? When you had to bring your Halloween costume to school and walk around the gym in the circles while people look at you?
"Hey, kids, you know how being twelve sort of makes you feel that you don't want to be put on display? Well, tomorrow, you have to dress up in your Halloween costume and walk around in circles with your peers! And if you don't dress up, you can sit on the stage and be looked at by all of the people who DID dress up. See you tomorrow, young fragile egos!"

Also, since I brought it up – candy corn is awful. There is no way that should have been given to kids. It should be used to wake up people who have been knocked out.
"What are you doing out there, kid?! You're getting your head punched off!"
"Sorry, coach. I can't see anything."
"Damn it! You need your eyes, kid! Here, have one of these."
"...What the hell was that?!"
"Candy corn, kid. Candy corn! Get it in ya!"
"It's the worst thing I've ever tasted!"
"But how ALIVE do you feel! Take out that awful taste on that tomata across the ring, kid! RUN OVER HIM!"

It should be on the list of things to stay away from during Halloween.
"Parents, be warned to check apples for razor blades, unwrapped candies for poison, and candy corn. If you find an apple with a razor blade in it, take the razor blade out and enjoy the apple. If you are given candy corn, throw it away instantly, and alert the authorities to the whereabouts of the inhuman person handing that to your children."
"Arrested for what?! All I did was hand out delicious candy corn!"
"Admitting to the crime, huh? Oh, you're done, buddy. Handing it out to children. Kids! You disgust me."

Candy corn was not wrapped. No wrapping at all! People would just have it loose in bowls in their house. It was dropped into your bag uncovered, by a hand that was also uncovered.
"Here you go, kids. Here is some unpackaged candy from a stranger."
"Well, did you at least wash your hands? I know it's the 90s, but still."
"Wash my hands? You knock on my door for free candy and you have the audacity to ask me if my hands are washed?! Leave right now, before I take the eggs you were going to throw at my house when I close the door, and egg you in the middle of the street."

I didn't like Halloween either because I didn't like being scared. And I got really scared as a kid. When I was about five, I walked out of my room one night and snuck into the living room. My mom was watching 'Child's Play'. I watched some of it, the possessed doll Chucky murdering people, and was horrified. Not that this doll was killing people, just the disgusting, angry look he had on his face when he did it. Once I saw that movie, I was too scared to be in a room alone. I would follow my mom everywhere.
"Mom! Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the kitchen. It's right there. We live in an apartment. You can see me."
"Don't go! I'll be murdered if you go!"
"There is no way you'll be murdered without me knowing. Look, I'm six steps away! Chucky would have to be the greatest ninja who ever lived to murder you in front of me without my knowing."
"Agh! Chucky's a ninja? I'm dead!"

I had nightmares about that movie for years. In one of them, I'm in the passenger seat of a car with my mom. She goes into a store and leaves me there. I turn to look at the car beside me, and at that same time, Chucky is in the other car turning towards me. We look at each other, and both scream. Then I would wake up. That scared the hell out of me! I told someone that when I was in grade four, I think, and they didn't see the problem.
"Maybe you just saw your reflection. You know you do look like Chucky, right?"
"How do I look like a murderous doll!? I'm a human being!"
"A human being with red hair. Chucky has red hair. Do you see? Come to think about it, you're scaring me."

Now, though, I love Halloween. I've seen too many horror movies to count. Horror is one of the best genres that there is. Why? Because they either scare you which is fun, or they are so ridiculous that it's laughable, which is even more fun.
"Whoa! That demon just got an apartment to be closer to the person it wants to torture. Why in the hell would a superintendent rent to a demon? That is hilarious!"
There's no real genre that gives you two chances to be completely entertained. What other genre can offer you that? If a drama isn't engaging, it's never hilarious.
"Man, this movie about a woman's journey from being cheated on by her lawyer husband to leader of a corporate empire is really not told well. The scenes of her crying are pretty funny, though. Good thing there are a ton of those."

The acting in horror movies doesn't matter at all. If the actors are bad, whatever, the movie will just be funny. For some reason, it's just horror movies and porn that can be filmed with people who couldn't deliver a line on their best day.
"Okay, so in this next scene, you have sex with your entire temp agency."
"Gotcha. So my motivation is that I'm a hotshot business exec who has balls of steel. Is there an acting coach on the set? I want to be believable."
"Believable? Do you have a dick? That's all we need from you. We will have one shot of your face. Your line is, 'Hey, if we don't crack a window, I'll have to take my pants off.' Actually, we just had a re-write. You don't say anything. Not with words, anyway. Let your dick do the talking... You do have a dick, right? This will be in a COMPLETELY different section if you don't."

I have honestly never laughed harder than I have at horror movies. A lot of horror movies are funnier than comedies that come out.
"This summer, the funniest movie you've seen in years. 'Cheerleaders From Hell Murder Single Mothers With Their Own Children'! It's a laugh-a-minute riot!"

'Saw' was probably the funniest movie that came out in 2004. The overacting, the ridiculous camera angles. It was hilarious! What was funnier that year? Shrek 2? The Incredibles? No way.
"And the award for Best Comedy goes to... Saw?"
"Thank you, thank you. You know, when our lead actor delivered the line 'If I don't get to a hospital, I'm doing to bleed to death!' in the ridiculous over-the-top way that he did while holding his foot that had been "cut off" as you could CLEARLY see his foot under a cloth? I knew we had this award in the bag."

I went to see 'Saw' in a theatre and during the movie people started laughing. The entire theatre chuckling except for one guy, who literally yelled, "Hey! I'm into this!" I have NEVER heard a theatre laugh so much after him yelling that out. To this day, when I think of that man yelling, "I'm into this!", I laugh, because I would love to know the rest of that guy's night.
"Guys, you really have to see 'Saw'. It's so scary! The other three hundred idiots in the theatre didn't think so. They laughed through it! I must have been in the only theatre with a bunch of Jeffrey Dahmers. How could you laugh at that? A guy has to cut his foot off! Man, horrifying. Hey, don't change that commercial. I'm into it!"


Twitter @Nathanmacintosh
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