Nathan Macintosh

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Halloween and horror movies.


When I was a kid, I hated Halloween. Didn't like any of it. I didn't like feeling pressure to have a good costume. Then, when you got one, having to wear a winter jacket over it so you wouldn't freeze to death walking from house to house asking for candy.
"Trick or treat!"
"Ooohhh. What are you supposed to be?"
"Freezing! Give me the candy so I can put my hands back in my pockets. Really? A handful of candy corn? You ever eat one of these? Thanks for nothing."
I also never really liked the Halloween parades. Remember the Halloween parades? When you had to bring your Halloween costume to school and walk around the gym in the circles while people look at you?
"Hey, kids, you know how being twelve sort of makes you feel that you don't want to be put on display? Well, tomorrow, you have to dress up in your Halloween costume and walk around in circles with your peers! And if you don't dress up, you can sit on the stage and be looked at by all of the people who DID dress up. See you tomorrow, young fragile egos!"

Also, since I brought it up – candy corn is awful. There is no way that should have been given to kids. It should be used to wake up people who have been knocked out.
"What are you doing out there, kid?! You're getting your head punched off!"
"Sorry, coach. I can't see anything."
"Damn it! You need your eyes, kid! Here, have one of these."
"...What the hell was that?!"
"Candy corn, kid. Candy corn! Get it in ya!"
"It's the worst thing I've ever tasted!"
"But how ALIVE do you feel! Take out that awful taste on that tomata across the ring, kid! RUN OVER HIM!"

It should be on the list of things to stay away from during Halloween.
"Parents, be warned to check apples for razor blades, unwrapped candies for poison, and candy corn. If you find an apple with a razor blade in it, take the razor blade out and enjoy the apple. If you are given candy corn, throw it away instantly, and alert the authorities to the whereabouts of the inhuman person handing that to your children."
"Arrested for what?! All I did was hand out delicious candy corn!"
"Admitting to the crime, huh? Oh, you're done, buddy. Handing it out to children. Kids! You disgust me."

Candy corn was not wrapped. No wrapping at all! People would just have it loose in bowls in their house. It was dropped into your bag uncovered, by a hand that was also uncovered.
"Here you go, kids. Here is some unpackaged candy from a stranger."
"Well, did you at least wash your hands? I know it's the 90s, but still."
"Wash my hands? You knock on my door for free candy and you have the audacity to ask me if my hands are washed?! Leave right now, before I take the eggs you were going to throw at my house when I close the door, and egg you in the middle of the street."

I didn't like Halloween either because I didn't like being scared. And I got really scared as a kid. When I was about five, I walked out of my room one night and snuck into the living room. My mom was watching 'Child's Play'. I watched some of it, the possessed doll Chucky murdering people, and was horrified. Not that this doll was killing people, just the disgusting, angry look he had on his face when he did it. Once I saw that movie, I was too scared to be in a room alone. I would follow my mom everywhere.
"Mom! Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the kitchen. It's right there. We live in an apartment. You can see me."
"Don't go! I'll be murdered if you go!"
"There is no way you'll be murdered without me knowing. Look, I'm six steps away! Chucky would have to be the greatest ninja who ever lived to murder you in front of me without my knowing."
"Agh! Chucky's a ninja? I'm dead!"

I had nightmares about that movie for years. In one of them, I'm in the passenger seat of a car with my mom. She goes into a store and leaves me there. I turn to look at the car beside me, and at that same time, Chucky is in the other car turning towards me. We look at each other, and both scream. Then I would wake up. That scared the hell out of me! I told someone that when I was in grade four, I think, and they didn't see the problem.
"Maybe you just saw your reflection. You know you do look like Chucky, right?"
"How do I look like a murderous doll!? I'm a human being!"
"A human being with red hair. Chucky has red hair. Do you see? Come to think about it, you're scaring me."

Now, though, I love Halloween. I've seen too many horror movies to count. Horror is one of the best genres that there is. Why? Because they either scare you which is fun, or they are so ridiculous that it's laughable, which is even more fun.
"Whoa! That demon just got an apartment to be closer to the person it wants to torture. Why in the hell would a superintendent rent to a demon? That is hilarious!"
There's no real genre that gives you two chances to be completely entertained. What other genre can offer you that? If a drama isn't engaging, it's never hilarious.
"Man, this movie about a woman's journey from being cheated on by her lawyer husband to leader of a corporate empire is really not told well. The scenes of her crying are pretty funny, though. Good thing there are a ton of those."

The acting in horror movies doesn't matter at all. If the actors are bad, whatever, the movie will just be funny. For some reason, it's just horror movies and porn that can be filmed with people who couldn't deliver a line on their best day.
"Okay, so in this next scene, you have sex with your entire temp agency."
"Gotcha. So my motivation is that I'm a hotshot business exec who has balls of steel. Is there an acting coach on the set? I want to be believable."
"Believable? Do you have a dick? That's all we need from you. We will have one shot of your face. Your line is, 'Hey, if we don't crack a window, I'll have to take my pants off.' Actually, we just had a re-write. You don't say anything. Not with words, anyway. Let your dick do the talking... You do have a dick, right? This will be in a COMPLETELY different section if you don't."

I have honestly never laughed harder than I have at horror movies. A lot of horror movies are funnier than comedies that come out.
"This summer, the funniest movie you've seen in years. 'Cheerleaders From Hell Murder Single Mothers With Their Own Children'! It's a laugh-a-minute riot!"

'Saw' was probably the funniest movie that came out in 2004. The overacting, the ridiculous camera angles. It was hilarious! What was funnier that year? Shrek 2? The Incredibles? No way.
"And the award for Best Comedy goes to... Saw?"
"Thank you, thank you. You know, when our lead actor delivered the line 'If I don't get to a hospital, I'm doing to bleed to death!' in the ridiculous over-the-top way that he did while holding his foot that had been "cut off" as you could CLEARLY see his foot under a cloth? I knew we had this award in the bag."

I went to see 'Saw' in a theatre and during the movie people started laughing. The entire theatre chuckling except for one guy, who literally yelled, "Hey! I'm into this!" I have NEVER heard a theatre laugh so much after him yelling that out. To this day, when I think of that man yelling, "I'm into this!", I laugh, because I would love to know the rest of that guy's night.
"Guys, you really have to see 'Saw'. It's so scary! The other three hundred idiots in the theatre didn't think so. They laughed through it! I must have been in the only theatre with a bunch of Jeffrey Dahmers. How could you laugh at that? A guy has to cut his foot off! Man, horrifying. Hey, don't change that commercial. I'm into it!"


Twitter @Nathanmacintosh
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