Stephen Hawking And The Epstein List

The names of people who have apparently been to Epstein island are starting to come out. One of the names is Stephen ‘I talked like a microwave’ Hawking. Yes. This man apparently took the Lolita Express to a tropical island, and these articles make it sound like HE did that. He just decided on his own, took all of the necessary steps on his own, packed his own bag and got himself there. Are we going to pretend this is the case?

Stephen Hawking was confined/locked in/strapped to/imprisoned by/completely bolted to/a chair. He couldn’t even go to the kitchen easily, let alone get on a jet. Buddy couldn’t just get his own coffee, let alone head to a runway. It took two people to put put his pants on, let alone get on a plane. Travelling for Stephen Hawking wasn’t EASY even from bed to chair. There are zero steps there, but still almost an impossible feat. The person who had to drag this small robot out of the sheets and into a space chair could easily drop him, he rolls under the bed, never to be seen again.

But these articles mention it as if he could just do this. ‘Stephen Hawking was on the island!’ Yeah, all right, I’m with you, but who got him there? For him to go to the island means there’s at least four people who had to get him to the island. They had to okay all of this. Stephen Hawking, even with his futuristic voice box Robocop speech isn’t calling any shots. If someone doesn’t want to do it, it’s not happening.

‘I. SAID. MAKE. ME. A. SANDWICH.’

‘You also said clean your room, your electric elf! Give me a second!’

So if he rolls up to you, says ‘AIRPORT,’ and you have to take all of the steps to make that possible. You have to grab his travel size sunscreen and head down there with him. Where are THESE people? Who are they? They have to know what was going on down there. I mean they have to bathe this tiny author, they don’t see anything? How is that? Do they pack his little sandals, Sprinter Van him to the airport, haul him up into a jet, make sure he’s good on a flight, feed him, then when they land just leave it up to him?

‘THANK. YOU. I’VE. GOT. IT. FROM. HERE.’

Stephen hits a little blue tooth speaker with his cheek muscle that starts playing The Beach Boys ‘Kokomo’ as he rolls towards an underage orgy, and the few people who got him there just wait in the jet? Seeing nothing? Aware of nothing? Let’s say that IS even somehow the case. The people who got him there DO just hang out in a jet on a runway for a few days. What does Stephen say when he rolls back up?

‘WOW. THE. BEACH. IS. SO. NICE. MY. WHEELS. ONLY. GOT. STUCK. IN. THE. SAND. TWICE. THE. SUN. GIVES. ME. THE. POWER. TO. DO. ALL. THE. THINGS. FOR. ME. THAT. YOU. NORMALLY. DO. BACK. HOME…. PLEASE. HELP. ME. BACK. INTO. JET. DON’T. DROP. ME.’

Stephen Hawking COULD write books with his facial muscles on his own but there is ZERO chance he got anywhere close to this island by simply blowing into a tube. A small team of people got him there.

Bill Gates And The Vaccine... A Theory

There are a lot of people who think that Bill Gates, the man behind Microsoft and the Xbox, created a vaccine with a microchip in it to make people autistic. Either they themselves OR their children. Why? Maybe Bill himself is autistic and wants everyone to be? Maybe Bill just wants to see if he can do it? Who knows. But there are MANY PEOPLE who believe that Bill Gates and the vaccine are up to no good. Could it be though that Bill Gates just wants to be inside of us in some way? Could it be that Bill Gates already MADE people autistic? Let’s discuss…

Bill Gates HAS PROVEN before that he wants to be in people (well, people's homes). First off, Microsoft. Mr. Gates wanted computer software IN YOUR HOUSE. He wasn’t happy with people going to the library to use a computer, he wanted it in YOUR PRIVATE RESIDENCE. On every street. In every neighbourhood.

‘This is GREAT. They are surfing the net with my software. They’d never invite me in because of my khakis, odd hair and full-on software talk, but I’M IN.’

This was the FIRST TIME that BILL GATES got inside of us. People accepted Microsoft into their homes and Bill Gates, for the time being, got his fill of being in people.

‘I did it! I actually got into people’s houses! Now if they just KEEP THEIR HANDS on my keyboards which quells my ego, we will be fine.’

However, not only were people surfing, people were also playing. People would TAKE TIME AWAY from aggressively slow, unbelievably annoying surf speeds to play VIDEO GAMES. So fast, so fun, video games were basically the opposite of having the internet screech at you then take HOURS to see anything. This INFURIATED the Gates.

‘Hey! Why are these people taking time away from surfing! I have an ego!’

‘Well, sir, there are many other things going on. People have kids. People have jobs. People ha...’

‘I want answers! My glasses are fogging up! What could POSSIBLY be better than turning on a machine that makes a noise like a gate of hell opening then spending HOURS to get anything done on it?!’

‘We… well… video games, sir. Yes video games! They are fun and challenging and have controllers…’

‘Fun?! Video games?! I don’t know what any of that means but I know this… I want people to PLAY them with me. If they PLAY with MY CONTROLLER, I will FULLY own them’

‘…Was I supposed to hear that last pa…’

‘Here’s some RAM. Keep your mouth shut.’

So BILL Gates, the ‘Microsoft wants you to play with his controller guy’, made the Xbox. The Xbox, arguably the ugliest video game system ever made. People may say ‘What about the Atari 2600? Surely THAT looked worse than the original Xbox. I mean it was the 70s for Christ Sake!’

The Atari 2600 not only looked like a CB Radio (which is badass), there were basically NO examples of what a video game system could or should look like. The Xbox, however, had MANY examples of what a video game system should/could look like, and the Xbox said no. The Xbox decided they didn’t care WHAT other systems looked like. They were made by a man who called his company MICRO SOFT. Two words you’d NEVER want said about your package. So Xbox went hog ‘10-4 good buddy’ wild.

‘Look, I’m thinking that it should look ridiculous. And BIG’

‘Really? Do you think that’s a good idea?’

‘YES. And each controller should be as big as the Super Nintendo itself. I’m talking HUGE.’

‘…Okay Mr. Gates, we can do that, but why?’

‘Don’t ask questions you ape! I know where you surf! Make it. And JET black. Witch's hair black. And put grills on it. And a big X on the top. Like you found where treasure's buried! Again, and I can’t stress this enough, HUGE. Kids could be killed if it falls on them. You wouldn’t want in your house at all. It will fight your TV to gain dominance over other appliances. It will slap your dad and call him a bitch! I’m talking BIG!’

‘…Are you okay, sir?’

‘…I’ll be fine.’

‘Mom I need this system! It’s SO COOL! Unless you look at it AT ALL or take a GLANCE at the guy who made it! SO COOL!’

So the Xbox was made. A machine, with MANY MICROCHIPS in it (Were they listening? Were they watching?) However, the Xbox was on pace to sell ZERO units. It was just too big and there was NOTHING cool about it. It was made by MICROSOFT, which was made by local dork BILL GATES, a man who mostly wears baby blue sweaters over plaid dress shirts and for sure says things like ‘Ketchup is spicy.’ It was HIDEOUS. An absolute monstrosity. It should have been hunted. It should have been set free in the woods and targeted by people with rifles.

‘I think I hear something…’

Beep boop beep boop.

‘Oh god! There it is! Aim for big green X!’

Beep boop BANG BANG.

‘It got me! It’s choking me with one of its cables! Ahhhhhh!’

So how could Mr. Gates get people to buy this grotesque piece of equipment? Bill himself doesn’t play video games. You can’t take his word for it. He says things like, ‘AH these pretzels are burning my tongue.’ Then Bill had an idea… autism. Not that HE had it, but that it could be used to sell this trash heap he called the Xbox. But HOW could Bill Gates make the public at large mostly autistic and get them to believe this system, with ONE GAME WORTH PLAYING, was worth the money and the constant bashing from friends who owned PlayStation or Nintendo? Bill then remembered one of his many travels around the world stuffing Microsoft stickers and cords into people’s pockets. The witch doctor…

Mr. Gates had gone to a remote part of the world because he NEEDED everyone to have a piece of him in their house. Whether their house was a hut, a tree, or a pair of shoes, they NEEDED Microsoft. Once, while wandering a jungle looking for another person to pawn Microsoft onto, Bill Gates came across a witch doctor. The witch doctor needed Microsoft like he needed another shrunken head, but also knew an opportunity when he saw one. He’d accept Microsoft into his tiki hut, if MR. GATES would take this back to civilization… a green ring that caused autism. Bill Gates, an ego maniac who wants to be in EVERYONES HOUSE, left a motherboard for the witch doctor, and took the green ring back with him.

Remembering this, Bill Gates ordered EVERY XBOX to be fitted with a GREEN RING, that would lull the public into an autistic trance and make them purchase the most disgusting appliance/console/death machine they’d ever purchase. AND IT WORKED. MILLIONS of this piece of garbage were sold, brought into peoples homes and ran CONSTANTLY, that green ring flashing at whoever was in the room.

‘I’ve done it! I’m now not only the thing people surf on, but for hours and hours a day they put my controller in their hand! Sure I’ve changed them mentally but I’ve gotten what I wanted!’

People couldn’t get enough of the system whose controller was the size of a spare tire. People couldn’t stop playing THE ONLY GAME worth playing on a machine the size of a trunk. They bought hats, shirts, and even underwear with the green ring on it. They were HOOKED… and Bill found himself unhappy. He knew deep down the Xbox was a sham. What had he done? He’d made millions of hard-working people believe that the XBOX was WORTH OWNING when CLEARLY, CLEARLY it was a heap of shit.

‘Look at what I did… I turned people into drooling idiots who actually believe that this system is a thing. And for what? So a witch doctor would take some Microsoft. He didn’t even have electricity! Dear god. I can’t turn back the brains I’ve melted but ONE DAY… I will make it up to them.’

From then on, Bill Gates tried. He created some kind of thing to turn pure sewage into clean drinking water. He’s started foundations and has donated millions to world hunger. And then, the big one… Covid. This was Bill's chance to REALLY help people that he’s destroyed with a horrific system and gross controllers. So Bill Gates is trying once again to apologize to the public with a vaccine for corona, due to all the autism and death he caused with the ‘why did people buy this?’ & ‘seriously, what were you thinking?’ Xbox.

Bill Gates isn’t trying to give you autism through a corona vaccine. He’s trying to rewrite history for the devastation he’s already caused with a troll ugly piece of equipment that had ONE GAME, that should NEVER have been bought by anyone who was here before 1995. Wait… 1995… Windows ‘95? Coincidence? Discuss?

Tabasco Is Offensive

The health department should hand out violations to any restaurant that only has Tabasco for hot sauce. ANY restaurant that brings you Tabasco when you say, ‘Do you have hot sauce?’ should be given a B rating. EVERY restaurant that thinks TABASCO is an acceptable HOT SAUCE should have their rent tripled. ALL restaurants that only have Tabasco for hot sauce should be filled with cement. Restaurants should feel ashamed to have this as the only option. Tabasco is not hot sauce. It is not vinegar. It is basically peppered, puddle water that’s been heated by the sun.

Servers who work at a restaurant that only has Tabacco know what they are bringing to the table. They hold their head down, with zero confidence, toss it on the table before you even catch what’s happened, then probably go in the back and plead to a manager.

‘You have to buy new hot sauce. I CAN’T bring this to tables anymore.’

‘Gotta keep costs low, that’s why I walk under bridges and catch the water that drips from them into a bottle.’

‘They want HOT SAUCE, not bridge drippings!’

‘They don’t know what they want! That’s why the menu here is 76 pages.’

‘78!’

‘78! Even better.’

No server puts Tabasco on the table with confidence. They don’t go, ‘And here you are. TABASCO! That’s the REAL stuff. Tabasco! Can you BELIEVE that we have this?!’

I can’t. This place should be closed. There are a SELECT GROUP OF HUMANS who could even POSSIBLY find Tabasco passable.

1. POWs

Were you captured during war times? Did you spend time in a hole where you had to drink your own piss to stay alive? Did a Vietnamese guard stand over top of you yelling ‘didi mao!’ holding a chicken while you tried to figure out WHAT the hell he wanted? Then Tabasco is for you. You might even enjoy it JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE than tossing your legs behind your head and using your own mouth for a urinal. Being held in a bamboo cage while you’re poked with hot steel prepares for you something like Tabasco being the only option for your meal.

2. Anyone who lived through The Great Depression

One day you’re riding high, betting on the big James J. Braddock vs Ulysses FarmBurner fight, next day you’re selling your spoons for bread. For YEARS you walk to the docks every day trying to get work to no avail. You fill the holes in your shoes with newspaper that everyday reads ‘Guess what? We’re still depressed!’ and the bank will only let you take out one dollar a week, then Tabasco is for you.

‘Here’s what we can do for dinner. I can bake socks or pour Tabasco into your hand.’

‘Can I have Tabasco ON the socks?’

‘Then WHAT will we eat for the rest of the week, James?’

Tabasco should be the face of the Great Depression.

‘Hey, could be worse,. You could be living in Central Park drinking beer made in a wash basin out of a boot. Or a bottle with a red top… Tabasco.’

If you lived through the dirty 30s, you won’t mind a splash of Tabasco on your monte cristo.

3. Anyone who enjoys being kicked in the balls

Do you like someone kicking you directly in the mangos? Are you a fan of placing your bare sack on a hardwood floor while a woman in heels steps on it and calls you a cuck? Then you COULD be in the market for Tabasco. Tabasco does for you mouth what that human in work boots whose leg is cocked back does to your testicles. Hurts it. Destroys it. Not. One. Favour. If having your marbles rocked gets you off, then Tabasco on your burger is for you.

@nathanmacintosh