Wishing Death On Rob Ford

Rob Ford passed away today after a fight with cancer. Regardless of what you thought of him, that is an awful way to go that no one should have to go through. Man wasn't even fifty. 

There were people at points in Rob Ford's being Mayor of Toronto that wished death on him. So many tweets about how the man should be killed or die some terrible death or whatever. You'd at least hope that these same people don't find some sort of joy in the news today. Wishing death on someone on twitter is bad and odd enough, let alone being actually happy when it happens. 

And what did people want him to die for? For not being a great Mayor. For smoking crack. For saying that he didn't eat a woman because he had enough to eat at home. For charging at someone during a city council meeting. For putting Toronto on the map for not the best of reasons. For saying that cyclists shouldn't have their own lanes, and that if they get hit by a car it's their own fault (or some sentence like that. Believe it actually had the term 'they are swimming with sharks' in it.) For not going to the gay pride parade. For not knowing that This Hour Has 22 Minutes is a joke news show and thinking they were real reporters coming to attack him. For SO many reasons. But are ANY of these worthy of death? 

Once the man admitted to smoking crack on TV, which is just an unbelievable thing that actually happened, all of his mayoral power was taken away from him. Rob Ford couldn't even have had a stop sign taken down if he wanted to at that point, and people STILL hated him. People STILL wanted the man to die. 

People were mad at Rob Ford as if he casted some kind of spell and magically became Mayor Of Toronto. As if he waved his hand and said, 'It shall be done! I will be Mayor number one!' and floated onto the top of the CN Tower while lightning struck all around him. That's not what happened. People VOTED for Rob Ford. I know, because I voted against him. There was a voting process, and Rob Ford won the majority of the votes. Now, why, WHY be mad at that man who was voted in, and NOT mad at ALL at the people who voted for him? Shouldn't SOME of your anger be directed at them? Rob Ford wasn't the greatest Mayor. We can all agree on that. But SOME of the blame should lie with the people who thought he would be great, not SOLELY on the man who didn't end up being great. 

The people who voted against him and didn't think he'd be a good mayor were proved right. The man embarrassed himself so many times. Just an incredible amount. But did that make the people who voted against him happy? Not all. Some STILL wished him DEATH. Death! For being on camera drunk in a Jamaican restaurant. For COMPLETELY falling on his ass when he tried to throw a football. For walking directly into a camera when he came out of an office. For making Toronto a joke for a good couple of months. And again, I say, Rob Ford didn't do this alone. Rob Ford was aided by people that voted for him.

Rob Ford clearly was a man who had some issues. No denying that. The man was caught on camera drunk and maybe high, screaming that he was going to kill someone. Cool for a Mayor of even a coffee table to do? Absolutely not. But the way that PEOPLE attacked him, tweeted that he should be hit by cars are thrown off of cliffs, act as if THEY have never done anything bad. As if they don't know anyone who has some problems. As if EVERYone in their family is without a drinking problem who might turn a family gathering into a small intervention.  The air of superiority these people had was incredible. Should Rob Ford have been Mayor? Probably not. Were many of the things he did justified in terms of SMOKING CRACK and RUSHING WOMEN IN CITY COUNCIL? Of course not. But does that mean that people should have wished death on him? No. 

Rob Ford wasn't a great mayor, wasn't a great face for Toronto and shouldn't have held any real power. But he was also clearly a man with some problems, clearly a man who needed some help and clearly a flawed.  In society, for other people, we pretend that we all have it all together and that there is no attachment to us and problems. The only people that would truly no about alcoholics in your family say would be the closest of friends and the like. Which makes sense, you can't just go around OPENING conversations with the fact that your dad drinks too much, but we shouldn't also condemn others for such things as if we couldn't fathom at all how something like substance abuse could happen. 

Regardless of what you thought of Rob Ford, death wasn't something that he deserved. Deserved not to have power over a city? Of course. But think about his last little while. Do you think the man wanted to pass away at 46, after making himself a world wide laughing stock for his actions? I doubt it.

I wasn't a Rob Ford guy, I voted against the man. But it's sad at points when you see the lack of compassion from strangers with computers. 

Thinking

I've been really trying over the last little while to think positively. More so, trying to control a bit more where my thoughts go. What I focus on and where my mind wanders. For long periods of time over the last few years, I've been stuck in negative thinking patterns. For long periods of time, my own brain was attacking me, telling me that I was useless and untalented and any other number of things. The more of those thoughts I had, the more they became real. 

'I'm stupid.'

'I'm your brain, and fine, you are.'

'Wait, I don't want to be stupid.'

'Well, are you stupid?'

'... Yes?'

'Okay. Fine. We'll go with that.'

There have been points in my life where all I did was think positively, believe in myself and do my best. What did that get me? Honestly, everything. I felt great, people wanted to be around me, and I didn't look at life as this huge struggle that needs to be battled everyday. I just walked the earth. Even when I had nothing! At one point in time I was sleeping in a closet, but I still was killing it. I was still having a great time, liking my life. I started doing stand up while I was sleeping in that closet, and was having a lot of fun with everything. 

I've gotten into very negative points of thinking at certain times, not believing in myself and not thinking that anything I did was any good. What did that get me? ALL of those things. I don't do as well on stage when I think that way. I don't write as much because I think 'what is the point?' People don't want to be around me. Not even me! I can't get out of hanging out with myself but in that mind state I'd like to. I'd stay in bed way too long. I'd sit and and zone out, and worry about every single thing that's every happened.

'Nathan, what the hell are you doing?'

'I'm thinking that at 45 I'm gonna be living on the street.'

'While we're eating ice cream? Are you crazy?'

When I'm thinking negatively, I'm not really anywhere. I'm stuck in my head. I'll go on stage, stand at the back of rooms, hang with friends, but I'm not REALLY there. I'm in my head, thinking about how terrible I am, about how everything I'm doing is wrong and how NONE of it is good, entertaining, funny or whatever. I'll be around people but in my head I'm just tearing myself down. 

I sort of wandered around the last few years, in and out of feeling great for stretches and feeling awful, not really realizing why either was happening. I would think, 'Why can't I always feel the way that I did when I was sleeping in that closet? Why can't I feel the way that I did my last year of high school and my first year of college?' I'd fall in and out of that feeling, and think that if I had this or that, killed on this show or that show, I'd feel better. 

Then, I did a show a couple of weeks ago in front of ten people. That happens all the time, not crazy, but this one was in front of ten people, three hour drive from my house, and I was headlining. Doing forty five minutes to ten people in a big room. I was excited for some reason to do this show. I couldn't wait to get on stage. Had I been in a negative mind space, I would have DREADED doing this show. I would have torn myself apart for performing to ten people, that nobody cares about what I'm doing. That I have no business doing this and that it's all going to suck. These ten people were amazing and it was so much fun. Talked to them after and they were great, and one person from this show had actually seen me before and forced his friend to come check me out. 

After the show, I'm driving back to the hotel, and something just sort of clicked. I started to think about all of the time I've wasted talking myself down and not having fun living my own life. How much time I've wasted being on stage and not really having a good time. Not having a good time ON STAGE. The ONE thing I've always wanted to do. I drove back the next day and I couldn't stop thinking about this. Thinking about how much of my own way I've gotten in over the years. How many times I've talked myself into having a bad show. How many times I've stood on a stage, telling jokes that I wrote and liked, hating them and hating how I was telling them. 

I decided from that weekend to really make an effort to not go back to negative thinking. Not just saying, 'I'm not going to think negative', REALLY trying to keep my mind in check. Really trying to control what I say about myself and how I feel from day to day. I don't want to continue to do what I do if every single day of it is a struggle. I don't want to keep pulling myself to shows and to writing jokes or whatever. I want to STAY in the mind space of loving what I do, wanting to do what I do, and having so much fun with. I want to STAY in the place of wanting to get up everyday and walk this earth. Want to STAY in the place of having fun with my life. 

I'm not saying that I'm not going to be negative again, or feel bad about what I'm doing sometimes. I'm just going to try not live there for a long time. 

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Watched The Academy Awards One Time

I wanted to watch and watched the Oscars once. Jurassic Park was out and THAT year I wanted to watch. THAT year I had a dog in the fight. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is still one of my favourite movies, but as a nine year old? It was the greatest thing that ever happened. So that year, I wanted to watch the Oscars. In my mind, Jurassic Park HAD to win best picture. What in the hell else could win?! I mean, the movie had DINOSAURS. REAL dinosaurs that you could touch. Not 'real' real obviously, but an actual dinosaur was made. I didn't see any of the other movies that year that the Academy said were better than Jurassic Park. You weren't telling me, a nine year old, that The Fugitive was a better movie than Jurassic Park. You kidding me? Eat my shorts. Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones chasing each other around? NOPE. Dinosaurs. Where in the hell were the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. You weren't telling nine year old me that Schindlers List was a better movie that Jurassic Park. Oh, I'm sorry Spielberg, but you already MADE a great movie this year. It's called Jurassic Park. THAT'S the one that needs an award. Not a very well made movie about an awful time in history. NOPE. Where are the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. 

What I didn't know as a kid, was that the Academy awards are not for movies like Jurassic Park. Too big. Too fun. Too 'really? COME on.' If Jurassic Park had been the only movie that came out that year, the Academy STILL wouldn't have given it Best Picture. It would have been given to a sad Drunk Driving commercial or something. 

'And the winner of Best Picture this year is... God. No movies were made? Oh, just not movies that are the way you like them to be? Okay, well, the winner for best picture is, that commercial where a cook slips and pours boiling hot water on himself due to an unsafe work environment.' 

The Academy Awards are reserved for 'good movies', movies where a guy plays a mentally challenged person. Movies where a woman plays a person who believes she's a tree and lives in the park. A movie about a sick OL janitor who can cure cancer by throwing a mop at patients. Sad movies where people cry, get emotional, leave their kids on what they think is a slide, but is actually a wood chipper and then they have to take their little wood chipped piece kids in bags to school and family functions. 

'Wood chip pieces?.... Are Wood Chip pieces here?'

'They are, Ms. Alberts, but they are Wood Chips. They can't raise their ha....'

'Was I TALKING to you, Curtis? No, so just sit down and keep sending in that slop you call 'homework'. Now, WOOD CHIPS. ARE. YOU. HERE?'

The Academy also loves movies where actors are alone. Where? Who cares! As long as they are alone. Alone in the woods! Alone on an island! Alone in space! Alone in their own head! Alone in a dumpster behind sizzler! Alone on a beach!

'I just think it's amazing to watch a man talk to a rock as if it's his wife for two hours. Or a woman befriend a branch of a tree. I mean, the human condition is so present here. When are we at our best? WHEN WE ARE ALONE MAKING FRIENDS WITH DUST AND DIRT AND SANDWICH WRAPPERS AND SUCH. THAT'S when.'

Point here is, I don't think the Academy Awards are for us. 'Us' being regular people who walk the earth, like things, have jobs and bills and try to have a good time. Not saying that the movies the Academy likes are not also liked by us, but that movies that are liked by us are almost NEVER liked by the Academy. A fun movie, for example, will NEVER win an Academy Award. Fun movies are able to win a surf board at the 'Bunch Of Movies That Whatever' Awards. A movie like The Dark Knight is able to win a golden Shrimp Boat at the 'Holy Hell! Movie Awards!' show. But the Oscars? No. 

I could be very wrong, but I don't think that anyone who picks the nominations for the Oscars is, or has ever been, a real part of society. Were they ever bored just cruising the mall for something to do? Have they ever just scrolled through Netflix looking for something they never find? I don't think so. I don't think these 'people' were ever people. They have always floated high above. They have always drank white cranberry juice. They have always had people open their car doors. They have always studied the art of acting, and the thought that it has to be serious and sad to be a 'great' movie. 

Which I think is why the movies that a lot of people like, they could care less for. I think to some degree, they look down on the people who like these movies that many people like. If movies that are not loved by the Academy could be kept out of the theatre, I think they would love that. 

'How can a REAL movie be shown in the same building as 'Fart Bus 5: Who Farted? WE ALL DID!' I just think it should be shown in a gutter, or a junk yard, or on the bottom of a hobo's shoe, NOT in the same building as a great acted and directed movie such as 'The Alonementing', one man's beautiful journey from childhood to dwelling alone in a closet weeping under pieces of clothing. Now THAT is cinema.'

I've never really understood the allure of watching awards shows. Rich people getting MORE awards for their work as if tons of money is not enough. And if they DON'T win an award, they are still winning. THERE ARE NO LOSERS AT THE OSCARS. IN THE CROWD, ON THE STAGE. NO WHERE. The only difference between watching these and watching a bank hand out bonuses is that the actors have at least given us some form of entertainment. The bank has not.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh