Thinking

I've been really trying over the last little while to think positively. More so, trying to control a bit more where my thoughts go. What I focus on and where my mind wanders. For long periods of time over the last few years, I've been stuck in negative thinking patterns. For long periods of time, my own brain was attacking me, telling me that I was useless and untalented and any other number of things. The more of those thoughts I had, the more they became real. 

'I'm stupid.'

'I'm your brain, and fine, you are.'

'Wait, I don't want to be stupid.'

'Well, are you stupid?'

'... Yes?'

'Okay. Fine. We'll go with that.'

There have been points in my life where all I did was think positively, believe in myself and do my best. What did that get me? Honestly, everything. I felt great, people wanted to be around me, and I didn't look at life as this huge struggle that needs to be battled everyday. I just walked the earth. Even when I had nothing! At one point in time I was sleeping in a closet, but I still was killing it. I was still having a great time, liking my life. I started doing stand up while I was sleeping in that closet, and was having a lot of fun with everything. 

I've gotten into very negative points of thinking at certain times, not believing in myself and not thinking that anything I did was any good. What did that get me? ALL of those things. I don't do as well on stage when I think that way. I don't write as much because I think 'what is the point?' People don't want to be around me. Not even me! I can't get out of hanging out with myself but in that mind state I'd like to. I'd stay in bed way too long. I'd sit and and zone out, and worry about every single thing that's every happened.

'Nathan, what the hell are you doing?'

'I'm thinking that at 45 I'm gonna be living on the street.'

'While we're eating ice cream? Are you crazy?'

When I'm thinking negatively, I'm not really anywhere. I'm stuck in my head. I'll go on stage, stand at the back of rooms, hang with friends, but I'm not REALLY there. I'm in my head, thinking about how terrible I am, about how everything I'm doing is wrong and how NONE of it is good, entertaining, funny or whatever. I'll be around people but in my head I'm just tearing myself down. 

I sort of wandered around the last few years, in and out of feeling great for stretches and feeling awful, not really realizing why either was happening. I would think, 'Why can't I always feel the way that I did when I was sleeping in that closet? Why can't I feel the way that I did my last year of high school and my first year of college?' I'd fall in and out of that feeling, and think that if I had this or that, killed on this show or that show, I'd feel better. 

Then, I did a show a couple of weeks ago in front of ten people. That happens all the time, not crazy, but this one was in front of ten people, three hour drive from my house, and I was headlining. Doing forty five minutes to ten people in a big room. I was excited for some reason to do this show. I couldn't wait to get on stage. Had I been in a negative mind space, I would have DREADED doing this show. I would have torn myself apart for performing to ten people, that nobody cares about what I'm doing. That I have no business doing this and that it's all going to suck. These ten people were amazing and it was so much fun. Talked to them after and they were great, and one person from this show had actually seen me before and forced his friend to come check me out. 

After the show, I'm driving back to the hotel, and something just sort of clicked. I started to think about all of the time I've wasted talking myself down and not having fun living my own life. How much time I've wasted being on stage and not really having a good time. Not having a good time ON STAGE. The ONE thing I've always wanted to do. I drove back the next day and I couldn't stop thinking about this. Thinking about how much of my own way I've gotten in over the years. How many times I've talked myself into having a bad show. How many times I've stood on a stage, telling jokes that I wrote and liked, hating them and hating how I was telling them. 

I decided from that weekend to really make an effort to not go back to negative thinking. Not just saying, 'I'm not going to think negative', REALLY trying to keep my mind in check. Really trying to control what I say about myself and how I feel from day to day. I don't want to continue to do what I do if every single day of it is a struggle. I don't want to keep pulling myself to shows and to writing jokes or whatever. I want to STAY in the mind space of loving what I do, wanting to do what I do, and having so much fun with. I want to STAY in the place of wanting to get up everyday and walk this earth. Want to STAY in the place of having fun with my life. 

I'm not saying that I'm not going to be negative again, or feel bad about what I'm doing sometimes. I'm just going to try not live there for a long time. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Instagram @nathanmacintosh

Watched The Academy Awards One Time

I wanted to watch and watched the Oscars once. Jurassic Park was out and THAT year I wanted to watch. THAT year I had a dog in the fight. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is still one of my favourite movies, but as a nine year old? It was the greatest thing that ever happened. So that year, I wanted to watch the Oscars. In my mind, Jurassic Park HAD to win best picture. What in the hell else could win?! I mean, the movie had DINOSAURS. REAL dinosaurs that you could touch. Not 'real' real obviously, but an actual dinosaur was made. I didn't see any of the other movies that year that the Academy said were better than Jurassic Park. You weren't telling me, a nine year old, that The Fugitive was a better movie than Jurassic Park. You kidding me? Eat my shorts. Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones chasing each other around? NOPE. Dinosaurs. Where in the hell were the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. You weren't telling nine year old me that Schindlers List was a better movie that Jurassic Park. Oh, I'm sorry Spielberg, but you already MADE a great movie this year. It's called Jurassic Park. THAT'S the one that needs an award. Not a very well made movie about an awful time in history. NOPE. Where are the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. 

What I didn't know as a kid, was that the Academy awards are not for movies like Jurassic Park. Too big. Too fun. Too 'really? COME on.' If Jurassic Park had been the only movie that came out that year, the Academy STILL wouldn't have given it Best Picture. It would have been given to a sad Drunk Driving commercial or something. 

'And the winner of Best Picture this year is... God. No movies were made? Oh, just not movies that are the way you like them to be? Okay, well, the winner for best picture is, that commercial where a cook slips and pours boiling hot water on himself due to an unsafe work environment.' 

The Academy Awards are reserved for 'good movies', movies where a guy plays a mentally challenged person. Movies where a woman plays a person who believes she's a tree and lives in the park. A movie about a sick OL janitor who can cure cancer by throwing a mop at patients. Sad movies where people cry, get emotional, leave their kids on what they think is a slide, but is actually a wood chipper and then they have to take their little wood chipped piece kids in bags to school and family functions. 

'Wood chip pieces?.... Are Wood Chip pieces here?'

'They are, Ms. Alberts, but they are Wood Chips. They can't raise their ha....'

'Was I TALKING to you, Curtis? No, so just sit down and keep sending in that slop you call 'homework'. Now, WOOD CHIPS. ARE. YOU. HERE?'

The Academy also loves movies where actors are alone. Where? Who cares! As long as they are alone. Alone in the woods! Alone on an island! Alone in space! Alone in their own head! Alone in a dumpster behind sizzler! Alone on a beach!

'I just think it's amazing to watch a man talk to a rock as if it's his wife for two hours. Or a woman befriend a branch of a tree. I mean, the human condition is so present here. When are we at our best? WHEN WE ARE ALONE MAKING FRIENDS WITH DUST AND DIRT AND SANDWICH WRAPPERS AND SUCH. THAT'S when.'

Point here is, I don't think the Academy Awards are for us. 'Us' being regular people who walk the earth, like things, have jobs and bills and try to have a good time. Not saying that the movies the Academy likes are not also liked by us, but that movies that are liked by us are almost NEVER liked by the Academy. A fun movie, for example, will NEVER win an Academy Award. Fun movies are able to win a surf board at the 'Bunch Of Movies That Whatever' Awards. A movie like The Dark Knight is able to win a golden Shrimp Boat at the 'Holy Hell! Movie Awards!' show. But the Oscars? No. 

I could be very wrong, but I don't think that anyone who picks the nominations for the Oscars is, or has ever been, a real part of society. Were they ever bored just cruising the mall for something to do? Have they ever just scrolled through Netflix looking for something they never find? I don't think so. I don't think these 'people' were ever people. They have always floated high above. They have always drank white cranberry juice. They have always had people open their car doors. They have always studied the art of acting, and the thought that it has to be serious and sad to be a 'great' movie. 

Which I think is why the movies that a lot of people like, they could care less for. I think to some degree, they look down on the people who like these movies that many people like. If movies that are not loved by the Academy could be kept out of the theatre, I think they would love that. 

'How can a REAL movie be shown in the same building as 'Fart Bus 5: Who Farted? WE ALL DID!' I just think it should be shown in a gutter, or a junk yard, or on the bottom of a hobo's shoe, NOT in the same building as a great acted and directed movie such as 'The Alonementing', one man's beautiful journey from childhood to dwelling alone in a closet weeping under pieces of clothing. Now THAT is cinema.'

I've never really understood the allure of watching awards shows. Rich people getting MORE awards for their work as if tons of money is not enough. And if they DON'T win an award, they are still winning. THERE ARE NO LOSERS AT THE OSCARS. IN THE CROWD, ON THE STAGE. NO WHERE. The only difference between watching these and watching a bank hand out bonuses is that the actors have at least given us some form of entertainment. The bank has not.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

'If you die, fine, but I have to text while driving!'

Every time I drive to a show out of town, I see people texting and driving. I'm not talking about in the city, people will check their phone at a red light. I'm talking that I constantly see people on the HIGHWAY, Checking their phones, slightly moving into a new lane until they catch themselves and switch back, doing SIXTY FIVE.

'Maybe you're only driving on highways that very important doctors drive on, Nathan?'

Thought of that. Looked at the signs, and found out that's not the case.

'Maybe you're driving on the private highways that are used exclusively by surgeons and EMT's?' Nope, just the regular old highways where a dude who works at Ruby Tuesdays doesn't think he needs to give all of his attention to the speeding ton of metal he's driving. The same highways as you, and the same highways that we should all be paying attention too while DRIVING ON THEM. 

Other people on the road have to be put at risk because you have to respond to a 'what you doing?' text? Others have to maybe become toast because you're typing 'Nothing. Just driving. You?' THAT'S important enough to put people's lives on the line, including your own? THAT'S important enough to take your eyes off of controlling a huge piece of metal that you're SITTING IN? 

There are fines for texting while driving. I've seen some as high as $300. Do I think that's enough? Nope. No way. You should be taken right off the road for texting and driving. PIT maneuver by the police. Swerved into a ditch the way you were going to swerve another family off the road if you kept texting. That too far? Fine. The punishment should be being locked away for two weeks. Two weeks in jail, WITH your phone. Keep it, BUT, no charger. That is the ULTIMATE punishment for people who can't get off their phone. Having to ration use? They can't deal with that. 

'Ah man, I can only like two pictures on Instagram a day. How am I going to survive?! You can't treat people like this! Take me out back and shoot me! SHOOT ME!' 

Everyone knows this is bad, but some people just don't care. Now though, car companies are putting wifi in their cars. WIFI, IN THEIR CARS. Nobody will be putting their phone down.

'Do you know whey I pulled you over? You were texting while driving.'

'Yeah, but officer, I have WIFI?'

'... Huh.... Well give me your license and network password. I have sports scores to check while I run your plates.'

Worst is, some people aren't even texting! Some people are NOT even responding to 'important' texts. Some people are just scrolling through twitter or instagram. Some monsters are out there scrolling through pictures of asses while switching lanes on a highway. Kids to the right of them, mothers to the left, and they are pressing the heart icon on a grilled cheese sandwich. Liking status updates while DRIVING AN AUTOMOBILE. 

'I agree, Timmy. It IS cold out here today. Cold out here as it is in my heart, where I believe I'm the only one on this two lane speed fest.'

Some people are for SURE sexting while driving. Some guy is rock hard, pressing send on eggplant and fire combination emojis while switching lanes. 

'If I get to you before I cause a four car pile up, my GOD the dick I'm gonna lay down.'

The numbers of accidents caused while someone's driving drunk and the numbers for accidents caused while someone is texting while driving have to be pretty close. HAVE to be. Texting while driving is worse. It's worse because when you're drunk, you barely know what's up. You wake up wondering what happened the night before. 'Did I drive? Oh Christ.' You don't wake up that way after texting. 'Did I respond to ALL of those texts? Jesus. I hate myself.' 

ONLY time texting while driving is okay is if you're drunk. If you are drunk, you are not of sound mind. Other than that, get it together, man. Put your phone down. Stop sending '100' emojis. Focus your blurred over, vodka'd up head on the road.

Commercials for drunk driving say 'hey, get a cab, and you can throw up in someone else's car.' They don't attack texting and driving like that. They never say, 'Get an Uber and text your face off on your way home, AND throw up in someone else's car.' Why not? Should be.

'Look, you're an ape who can't put down the shiny thing even while operating a motor vehicle? Great. Call this person, sit in the back of their motor vehicle, and use your ape hands to text other apes about nothing. Be responsible.' 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh