I was expelled.

I was at one point, expelled from high school. I was told to leave the building for the rest of the year. Told to get out of every class, and the entire school. I was expelled in May. Less than 5 weeks before the end of the year. Expelled. What did I do? Did I threaten somebody? Did I come to school with a bag of kitana blades and hold up the cafeteria?

"Alright, that's it! Give me all the oatmeal chocolate chip muffins or I'm ninja-ing this whole place!"

Nope. I was expelled because I talk a lot. Well, on their side, I was expelled for disrupting class. Disrupting class at that time, with that vice principal, got me expelled. EXPELLED! Grade 12. And wasn't able to fight it. I had to go back the next year and do it again. I needed a bunch of credits. I don't seem like the type of person who would be expelled. Just to put it in perspective, another person who was expelled that year had maced a guy in the bathroom and stole his chain. THAT guy was expelled. AND me. For disrupting class. Not really the same thing. There was a guy that year who punched the vice principal in the face, did not get expelled. I brought that up to the vice principal when she was expelling me. She was PISSED about that.

'I'm being expelled? The guy who punched you must have been deported.'

She stood up, yelled, and slammed her desk. Is that a smart ass thing to say? Sure. Is it crazy that attacking people and talking are in the same wheel house? To me, yes. Here is more of the story. 

That year, I talked. This is what I did. I had a great time, left my shell that I was in before, and I talked to everyone. People liked me. Teachers liked me. Not all teachers, but most. Some, like my Canadian History teacher, were not fans of me. He really wasn't into me. I used to ask questions all the time. He would hand us a Canadian History textbook, tell us to read chapter four, then get into groups and answer the questions. So, if we're reading and answering questions among ourselves, what is this man doing? That didn't make sense to me.

'If we do that, what are you doing?'

'Just do it.'

The term 'Just Do It' might be cool for Nike, but in school I could not deal with it. I would ask tons of questions about it. Tons. Just do it is not an answer. So I would question this man, and he would kick me out. Kick me out of class. I'd go to the office, they'd say, 'what in the hell are you doing here again?'. and I would tell them what happened. They were not fans. But to me, I just couldn't understand why you weren't allowed to ask questions. Why not? Is this not a school? CAN QUESTIONS NOT BE ASKED?! Written in a Gladiator tone. And yes, I get it, asking a teacher, 'what are you doing?' could be deemed offensive, but this teacher would do this EVERY day. Get us to read a chapter, then get into groups and answer questions. You did this a bunch of weeks in a row, and you go, 'this guys doing nothing! He's not teaching us, we're teaching ourselves. What are we coming to this class for?'

My math teacher wasn't fond of me either. Why? Because I'm asking questions. That's just what I'm doing. One day she said we were doing quadratic functions. I asked when we would need these later in life. Her response?

'Just do them.'

Well, I couldn't do that. Couple more questions later, and I'm in the office. Couple more day of questions and now I'm doing math in the office for good. For good! Kicked out of the class and told to do my work in the office. Just insane. Put by myself like Hannibal Lector. 

'Woa. That kid is in a room alone having math work passed under his door to do. What'd he do? Bite someone's face?'

'No. He asked why we have to do quadratic functions.'

'AAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh! Man that's horrifying. Glad this animal is locked up.'

So, at this point, I'm kicked out of math, and on last legs in Canadian history. Now, an interesting thing happens. One day in Canadian history, our teacher plays a movie. A movie, about Canadian History. That's as boring as it sounds for people from Canada. It's also made in Canada. If it was made by Michael Bay, it might have some kind of budget.

'Get into that birch bark canoe!'

BOOM!

'How the hell does birch bark explode!?'

BOOM!

'Now the maple syrup?!"

Anyway, the movie is on, and I put my head down on my desk. And has sometimes happens when you do that, I fell asleep. Slept through the whole thing. I woke up, and on my way out of class, the teacher calls me over to his desk. I'm thinking he's going to get mad at me for sleeping. Nope.

'Nathan, look at this piece of paper. This is how many times I counted you talking. 2:45, Nathan talking. 2:47, Nathan talking. 2:52, Nathan talking.' 

'Um, I'm not trying to be rude, but I wasn't talking, because I was sleeping.'

'Do you think I'm stupid? I know you were talking. Go to the office.'

So, I'm back in the office. I have to tell the vice principal that I was sent there for talking, which I wasn't doing because I was sleeping. And that was that. She expelled me. I asked her if I could speak to the principal. She said no. She was yelling at me in her office. Very loud. Then, opened the door, and became very calm. As she was walking me to the door, I said, 'I'm calling the principal, I'm calling the school board, and basically fuck you.' I was frustrated. In my head at the time, left no options. I went home, and called the school board. I told them my story, and they told me that she couldn't expell me for being kicked out of class, and that they would call her and call me back. About five minutes later, they called.

'Hi, Nathan. Did you swear at her?'

'Yes. I said fuck you, and that was be...'

'Well, it doesn't take much does it.'

'What do you mean?'

'There's nothing I can do for you.'

They hung up. I sat there very confused, until a few days later when a cop showed up to my door, asking me if Nathan Macintosh was home. 

'That's me.'

He looked at me like I was crazy.

'Well, I don't know what you did, but the vice principal is scared for her life. Said you threatened her. You have a peace bond on you. You can't go within two hundred feet of the school.'

'Are you kidding me?! I didn't threaten her! I said ...."

'Doesn't matter. That's what has happened.'

So, there I am. expelled from school, kicked out of a play that was nine days from that moment. I was sent the expulsion papers, and they said that I had threatened her, and that's why I wouldn't be allowed back. It also said that I was disruptive as I didn't have a father. This letter is one of my favourite possessions. 

This is a longer story short, but basically because I swore at her, she spun that into an actual reason to be expelled. I went back the next year, and graduated with honours. The vice principal had been promoted to principal of another school. I saw her a couple of years ago on a flight. She looked at me, had an acknowledging glint in her eye. Out of the deal, I got expulsion papers that I'll probably frame, and she got principal. We did it. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Taking gods name in vain.

Growing up, I remember once or twice people saying to not take the lords name in vain. Aunts maybe and people from church. My friends mom once when we were kids. But, that didn't stop people from doing it. Everyone. Kids, teachers, parents. The Maritimes is doing it. It happens. Not to say that some people don't follow lords name in vain, but you will hear a lot of people doing it. Just happens. I've heard all of these a million times.

'Jumping Jesus Christ!'

"God damn it!'

'Jeeeeeeesus!'

'For Christ sakes!'

'Oh for gooooooods sake.'

'Jesus Christ!'

'Christ.'

'Holy old fuck!'

Last ones not really name in vain, but still. Heard them a thousand times. Even the same people who would have said not to use it in vain, used it. So after awhile, you just do it. 

'God damn it.'

'Don't say the lords name in vain, god damn it!'

In recent years, I've been called on this twice by people who believe. Two separate people have made mention of me using the name in vain. To be clear, I am not religious. I don't believe there is a entity in the sky. Does that mean that I think people that do are wrong? No. Believe whatever you want. It's not hurting me. I looked up what it means to take the lord's name in vain. Found out it's a commandment! That should tell people where I'm coming from. I did not know that at all. 

'Do you know the commandments?'

'Think so. Don't steal. Don't sex a wife. Don't want something that a neighbour which is a strange one because what if he has something pretty kick ass.... That's all I got.'

'What about lords name in vain?'

'How do you promote this dude then?'

Doing shows recently in South Carolina, afterwards a couple came up, said they thought I was really funny, but their only critique was 'Don't say G D.' I had to honestly think for a second about what that was. And I can appreciate that they believe, but it is weird that you can tell someone you don't know what they should or shouldn't be saying based on how you live your life.  If I didn't like something someone said, if they're not a friend of mine, I wouldn't mention it at all. 

'Hey, great performance. That song was really great. One thing though. Does it have to be called 'The Pussy Police Are On Patrol'? The word 'Pussy' is just gross. What about 'The Vagina Vets Are On Vacation'? Either way, liked it, but that word. Ugh. We don't say that in our house.'

Why can't you say gods name? Does he need you to protect him like this? If I say it and it's bad, and you don't, I'm going to hell, so what do you care? People would say, 'I'm trying to save you.' Why? You want a person who's going to take the lords name in vain a million times walking around your heaven? You want to bring me in? Isn't god going to be angry about that?

'Are you kidding me? You saved this piece of trash? Do you realize that he JUST said, 'God damn! Look at this pearly gate!' I'm so disappointed in everyone I've made right now.'

Some people will say that you just can't do it. It's the lords name and it's a respect thing. Okay. So you respect your god. Good. I don't believe there is one. I would never sit you down and tell you that I don't think he's on a cloud and why you should change how you feel. Why is it okay to come to me with your feelings about your god? Strange thing about it is I bet if I was on stage and was like 'your moms a whore!' People would go, 'Funny how you called my mom out like that.' And they know their mom! But lords name in vain I guess can't happen because they have a special relationship with him. But again I say, what does that have to do with me? What does that have to do with my thoughts and beliefs? If you believe, just chuckle that I'll be killed by lightning one day by a god who hates people saying his name.

I truly don't understand either how saying his name, or god damn or whatever, is hurtful. I've looked it up. I've tried to understand. I just can't. There's no such thing as bad publicity, right? So then no matter how his name is brought up it should be a good thing. People are saying it.

Also, is saying god during sex taking his name in vain? Or is not because it's just you and someone else? Do two religious people call each other on that if it happens?

'Oh, wow. That was great. Just amazing.'

'Yeah.... Look. When I was behind you, you said G D. I love you and everything, but don't take the lords name in vain. ALMOST lost my hard on.'

'Are you kidding me? You know I believe. We go church together every Sunday!'

'Well, I don't know. It's hard to tell when you're all 'G D' this! And 'G D' that!'

'For Christ Sake, you were really giving it to me!'

'There! Again! Jesus! Can you ju...'

'YOU just did it! You did!'

'... This isn't working. I'm leaving. And I'm taking the jesus pictures.'

'Capitalize His name, for fuck sake!'

I'm not sure why an alright god needs you to protect his name. It's like a kitten protecting Floyd Mayweather. He doesn't need it. None of this makes sense to me. I don't really get it. And I suppose I'm not supposed to. Where I come from, it's not apart of me. And with that, I'm not walking around telling people what is wrong with them believing. Would never go up to someone and say something about that.

'You know, I wouldn't give my money to a person who says they have a relationship with a guy you can't see. I just wouldn't do it, okay? So, do what I do with my money. Because that's what I do. I mean, let's be serious. That dude in there has no relationship with god. None. You're giving him money, he spends it on himself. You think it will help you get to heaven, but that whole thing don't exist. Anyway, just my opinion based on what I believe and do with my own life. Keep walking the earth after this the way you do. The wrong way.'

Could I stand to swear less than I do sometimes? Sure. Do I consider god damn it to be swearing? I honestly don't. That's my own mentality and where I come from. If you believe differently, when you get up to heaven you can laugh about it with the big guy.

'See that poor piece of trash down there? Using your name in vain to illustrate a point in from of strangers.'

'Yep. I'll never let him up here. Hey, another game of cloud ping pong?'

'Thank Jesus I'm dead!'

'.... No... thank me.'

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Colder than '21.

This isn't anything people don't already know. It has been crazy cold the last little while. The kind of cold where it doesn't make any sense to go do anything outside. The kind of cold where people stop fighting, there were eleven straight days of no murders in NY, serious. That happened. People in some small towns have had forty years straight of no murders, but NY went 11 days, and it was a story.

"Woa. Did you know that nobody has killed anybody else in the last couple hundred hours?"

"JESUS. It's gotta be cold out there."

Type of cold that every dog under ten pounds just hates your guts for showing them this trash. 

"This?! We're out in this?! Do you think I'm a snow leopard?! I'm a damn terrier! A TERRIER! You take me out and leave the cat in? I see how this trash works."

It's cold enough that they've started telling us that it's the coldest it's been in eighty years, or a hundred years, or a thousand years. Cold enough that it's breaking records from times when this kind of cold must have just MURDERED people. 

"Alright, well, we need wood for a fire, or we're all gonna die. But to get wood, we have to go outside, where we will all die."

"... So, do we die in here together, or die one by one out there trying to get wood?"

"Good question. I was thinking that some of us could stay here and die, and the rest of us could probably die trying to get wood?"

"Hey, if you guys go out, can you get some peppermint?"

"Gary! This is serious!"

It's interesting to me that when it does get this cold, or when it's so hot it's breaking records, people will say that it's because of global warming. 

"This is happening because we are burning too many fossil fuels! We're destroying the earth with our garbage! It hasn't been this bad since the '20's."

What in the hell was going on in the '20's? What terrible villain was burning oil and driving cars at the rate we are today?

"Muah hahhahahah! I know how I'll take over the planet! I'll all of the four hundred cars at the same time!"

"Mr. Villain, no!"

"That's MISTER Mr. Villain to you! Just try to stop me! I'm driving this one around and starting all the others I see! It'll take a couple of weeks because this thing is not that fast and can't corner well bu... NONE of that matter! Get ready for extreme heat and cold!"

It's cold enough that you bundle up. That's it. just do it. But there are some among us who seem to be immune to this cold. Who seem to not be affected by the frigid temperatures and offensive winds. They seem to be immune because while the rest of us are hunched over, breathing directly into the ground while wearing everything we own, this animals are walking around with their jackets wide open. 

"You guys are cold? Crazy. I was gonna hit the beach. Anybody in?"

This is not the time for vanity. This is not the time to just wear a scarf and act as if you are not cold. You KNOW you are cold. You know it! Even if you are from some frozen tundra where EVERY single day is a thousand degrees below, and you grew up under water that was constantly having ice poured into it, you KNOW you are cold.

"Oh this? This is nothing. It used to get colder than this in my ice bed at the bottom of 'Snow Death' mountain."

No. You are cold. Just stop it and zip your coat up. I saw a guy the other night walking in a t-shirt. I've never wanted to fight someone more. Just crack this dude in the head. Get a jacket! There's no excuse for this. Get some gloves! Or put socks on your hands! Get a boot! Where socks for god sake! Get serious. There isn't too much more of this left, but for this short amount of time, JESUS, put a sweater on. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh