"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.

"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."

"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."

"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"

"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."

"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.

"Can I have a muffin?"

"A muffin?"

"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."

"So a bagel?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."

"What? You want a treat?"

"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.

"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."

"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."

"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"

"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."

Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.

"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."

<GASPS>

"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."

"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."

"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"

"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"

"Let me go talk to him."

"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.

"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"

"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."

Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.

"She should be punched in the face!"

"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"

"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 

"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.

"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."

"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."

"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"

"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."

"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"

"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.

"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.

"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."

"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."

"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."

"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"

"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.

"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"

"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"

"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."

"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"

"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!

"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"

It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?

"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"

I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!

"Will that be small, medium or large?"

"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

January. Worst month of the year.

People might disagree with this. People might say it's February. People might say it's November. Maybe you hate Christmas and Hanukkah to such a degree that you hate December. Maybe you just can't stand goodbyes.

"Nooo! I was loving this year. Why does it have to end? Can't we just hold off for a bit? Can we take a poll and see what others think? Let's keep this year going! I don't want you, January! I'm going to count up during the countdown. Keep this year going!"

January, though, is the worst month of the year. Here are some reasons why that is so.

It's the first month of the year, which really just makes it the year's Monday. It's a Monday as well that starts on a cold, snowy day. Not all Mondays are cold. But on some, you have to warm up the car, you don't want to get out of bed, it's dark when you go to work and it's dark when you get home.

"Just woke up and it's dark as hell. I probably have some time before I have to get up. It's gotta be about four in the morning. Seven thirty! What?! I'm late! Ahhh, it's freezing out there! Everything here feels bad!"

Those Mondays are awful. And that's January. January is one straight month of that day. It's a thirty-one day Monday.

Another reason it's the worst month? There is nothing in it at all to look forward to. Nothing. November? Not too much in itself, but it means Holidays are coming. December? Christmas and New Year's. February? It's cold, yes, but it's not that long. Plus, March is around the corner and that's when things start to be good again. January? Nothing. January is cold, dark, sucks and leads right into another bad month. It is garbage followed by garbage! January is an episode of Yes, Dear that leads into Two and a Half Men.

"What's on tonight?"

"Yes, Dear followed by Two and a Half Men."

"Wooooo. I really don't think I can deal with that without getting some vitamin D. Want to shut it off until September?"

It's a month that almost forces you to take naps, and then changes its look entirely when you do so. January puts you to bed at 3pm, and you wake up an hour later, it looks like it's a completely new year.

"What the hell? I went to sleep when the sun was up and now it looks like Skynet has become self aware out there. Where's John Connor? Am I too late? Am I a member of the resistance? I'll be back, bed. I have to figure this out!"

Usually, January starts on a hangover. It starts that way! It starts after the last year's big party. The first glimpse you have of January is with a pounding headache, the taste of cigarettes in your mouth and a craving for a McGriddle and ice cream.

"Oh, man. Happy New Year, huh? Let's do it, January! I'm starting this one off right. I can't find my shoes, I dropped my phone in a toilet and I don't think I left my keys in a cab, I'm pretty sure the driver stole them. Just took them! What is he going to do with my keys?"

January starts after a night that is always over-hyped – New Year's Eve. It is never as great as people say it's going to be. Lines are crazy long. It's expensive to get into places that then have no room for you to be in anyway. Drinks are watered down. Girls are crying all over the place. Men are fighting for no reason. People try to dress as if it's hotter than it is. Places have DJs who think they are more important than the countdown.

"Hey, when is the countdown?"

"Oh, that happened. We didn't do it, though; because I had to say "DJ Bag of Shit is in the building" over a Madonna mash up thirteen times. Happy New Year."

The first two hours into January is usually when people start to realize that the night that was supposed to be amazing is an expensive bust, and now, even though the only thing they want to do is get home, they can't get a cab.

"Hi, can I get a cab to..."

"Hahaha. Are you serious? A cab? What, you don't think it's the busiest cab night of the year? I was picking up the phone to take it off the hook! Good luck with that."

I have never been in a warm place for January. Absolutely terrible. Twenty seven Januarys in my life, all of them frigid. There has to be places in the world where January doesn't matter. Brazil? I'm sure that January in Brazil is pretty sweet. I would love to be there for January. I'm sure people who live in warm places never hope that they could live in a cold place for January.

"January. Man, I hate this month."

"Yeah. Still hot, and STILL women walking around in thongs. Can we get something a little different? Would it kill anyone if it was cold around here for a bit?"

"I'd love to see a woman in a sweater. Just once. Never happens."

"I hear you, man... Do you find it weird that we speak English to each other and not Portuguese?"

"I was just about to ask you the same thing."

I would love to see a January that is not like living in a meat freezer with a busted light.

That's another thing. There's no sun in January. The sun is out for about four hours a day. Worst thing is – it's only out on the coldest days. The over cast, dark-as-hell days are usually the warmest.

"Whoa! Look at that sun! It's probably great out there. Let's just check the weather. Huh. That's weird. They usually have a temperature posted. All this says is 'The Sun's a Liar'. That's a strange forecast."

You get sunlight for just about no time at all. January feels the way that being kidnapped probably feels. You're walking along in the sun, and all of sudden, darkness.

"This is a pretty nice day. I'm having a go... Hey! What are you doing!? Put me down!"

"Get in that trunk! You're coming with us!" (<Slams trunk closed>)

"...Hey! What's going on!? I can't see anything in here! Well, I can't let this darkness stop me. I have stuff to do. I was on my way home to start this novel I've been putting off. Hard to do in the dark, but it'll have to do. I'm still getting things done. You hear me kidnappers?! I'M STILL GETTING THINGS DONE!"

I am willing to bet that no feel-good movies or songs are written in January. Think Good Burger was written in January? Probably not. This is the month where the Requiem For A Dreams, the Schindlers Lists and the He Stopped Loving Her Todays are written.

"I feel like writing a nice, fun song. I'll look outside for some inspiration. Hmmm. Looks like the Grim Reaper's dick out there. This doesn't make me think of anything positive. This reminds of the time I saw that dog get hit by a rogue hot pretzel cart. All right, well this isn't going to be a song they can play at the beach."

There's no way that there are artists in the North West Territories or Antarctica who come up with any sunny, positive stuff. No way. I bet every piece of writing is about or to the sun.

"Thanks for coming, everyone. This is a poem entitled 'Sun, You Rhyme with Gun, Which I Could Use to End This Whole Damn Thing'. Dear Sun. Please come back. It has been dark for eight months. Eight months, sir Sun. Could you even kinda understand what that would be like? Okay, look. If you're not going to come back, could you send a U-Haul to this desolate wasteland? Please, Sun! I can't live like this anymore. Yesterday I brushed my teeth with a fork. You get delirious when you don't get vitamin D! My gums are cut to hell! Please, Sun! Please!"

(<Light Applause>)

"It doesn't really rhyme, but I FEEL him."

Another reason it is terrible? It has the most depressing day of the year in it. The third Monday of January is regarded as the most depressing day of the year. It actually has the highest suicide rate of any other day of the year. Did you read that?! The highest suicide rate! That's the big holiday to look forward to in January. Highest suicide rate day.

"Did you get your wife anything for the most depressing day of the year?"

"It's being delivered Monday. It's about two hundred and forty pounds and will be hanging by a Monster Cable cord from a beam in the garage."

"Ooooo. Sounds expensive."

"Not really. It had a lot of potential in high school, but now it's worth about thirty-five grand a year. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of goodbyes to write."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

What is Anderson Cooper trying to do?

When I first saw Anderson Cooper, he didn't have a smirk on his face. He was talking about the Iraq War. He was talking about a huge world event on CNN, which is supposed to be a trusted news network, telling me it in a trustworthy newscaster way.

"Hello, this is a very serious topic I'm discussing in a very serious and professional way. There is no way you could watch this and think that I could giggle at will."

The last time I saw Anderson Cooper? He was having his business stared at by Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve.

"Hello, you are staring at my package. There is no way that I cannot giggle at this. I am about to commence now. Here goes. Giggling."

I can say that I truly do not understand Anderson Cooper. What is this man about? Is he someone who can just fit into any role that he's put into? Is he someone who wants to express every side of himself on TV? Is he a man who, due to his family ties to very wealthy people, wants to show the world that he doesn't need that security and is quite capable of doing anything he wants on his own? I do not know. And I do not have anything against him, I just don't understand him.

Anderson Cooper's CNN show, AC360, is a very serious news program. It's not a show you would watch if you were looking for laughs.

"Honey, I feel like watching something upbeat. Do you want to toss on Anderson 360? I hear tonight he's talking about women's rights in India. Always a laugh riot, this guy."

For ten years now we have seen him in this role. For ten years we thought we knew about Anderson Cooper. He was a man who cared about the world. A man who went to the Middle East, Africa, and Haiti, where he was shown on camera carrying a bloody child out of rubble. We had a pretty good idea about him.

"You know, I trust this guy. He went to Iraq and personally reported the news. He didn't sit in an office. He went to the action! There's no WAY that he would have a daytime show where he gives away Pringles. No way!"

But then that man's worst fears came true. Anderson Cooper started to host his own daytime talk show, Anderson Live, and sometimes, gave the audience Pringles.  His show at night was about real world events, and on his daytime talk show he was asking ditzy celebrities what THEY think about world problems!

"Thanks for coming, Snooki. What do you think about the gun control situation?"

"Glad you asked. Do you like my hair?"

"...Yes. It's very nice. Back to guns. What do you think should be done?"

"I have a blower dryer that I call my 'dry hair' gun, so I guess, sometimes I'm for them. But the bad kind? The bang bang kind? No."

I have nothing against Snooki, but you don't ask her about world issues when you yourself know about world issues! Ask her about dogs. Ask her about tanning. Ask her about becoming a mom, or breaking nails, or things to do with your hair or shoes! But DON'T ask her about the fiscal cliff!

This starts to explain why I do not understand this man. Does he want us to think he's smart? Does he want to be a cast member on a reality show? At night he's giving facts about the poverty in the world, in the morning he's co-hosting with a cast member of Jersey Shore, and telling us about a tanning salon they went to together.

"We went tanning. We're friends. My tan didn't take, but still, we had a good time. At one point, I squirted tanning oil into Snooki's hair and she was all, 'No! Why would you do that Ande..."

"Anderson! You're on your nighttime show! You are patched in live with a Saudi prince and you are supposed to be discussing oil!"

"You… went tanning? Is Snooki a talking beverage? I am a very busy Saudi prince. I have no time for this!"

"Sir, please! Would you like some Pringles?"

He was, at one point, a host on a reality show. He used to host 'The Mole'. USED to. Then he started telling us about the news, and actually going to do something about it. You can't go back after that. You stepped up. You can't go back! Cal Ripken can't get his old job back at a gas station.

"Holy hell! Cal Ripken! What are you doing here?"

"Hello. One, I'm here to buy gas. Two, are you hiring?"

"Hiring? Are you nuts? You're a millionaire!"

"Don't worry about me, all right, kid? I want my job back. I'm sure you've heard, I have a great record for showing up. I won't miss a day."

What is the next career move for this man? A very serious news program. Followed by a Rosie O'Donnell rip off from the 90s. Next? Maybe he'll try to get on a 2 Chainz song.

"She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. 2 Chainz!"

"AC in the building! I go in 360 degrees, that's called a circle. On my daytime talk show, I act like Urkel. I've given aid to Africa, the Middle East. And I've been on TV talking about cheese!"

"2… Wait! You can't actually rhyme on this song. That ain't 2 Chainz. That's 2lames. This is swag rap. The idea here is to just look cool. You got it?"

"Yo, 2 Chainz. I don't want to disturb you, but that last sentence right there? Sounded tight as hell on the beat! You got anymore of that fire?"

Anderson Cooper came out last year and announced that he was gay. That is fantastic, but it seems since that time that he has done some of the things that makes me not understand him. That is around the time that he started to interview dumb people about stupid things. Was straight Anderson Cooper the smart one? Did he care more about using his brain? Then when he came out as gay he decided that he needed to be a little less serious?

"Guys, look. I just came out, okay? I can't be doing this 'save the world' type of journalism all the time! I need to lighten up a little! Any ideas?"

"You could wear more colorful ties?"

"I don't haaate it. Anything else?"

"Uh, you could get people who really wanted to be in Ellen's audience but couldn't to sit in front of you while you hand out Christmas trinkets?"

"Whoa! That's amazing! How can we get Ellen's audience leftovers, though? She's in LA."

"Are you kidding? We're near Times Square. Go there and say, 'Who wants a free t-shirt?!' All the women who scream, there's your audience."

Anderson then went to the daytime show and it was cancelled shortly thereafter. How come? Could it possibly be because people who remember him from his late show, and were fans, didn't necessarily want to see him on a show where he is supposed to be the male version of Ellen? Nobody watches Ellen and thinks the opposite for her.

"You know, I really like her here. She's perfect! She's funny, charming, she dances. Makes everyone happy. I would love to see her in Kosovo interviewing a child who was just hit by a missile. Call me crazy, but I would love to see it."

And of course they don't want to see that! We get pretty used to seeing people do what it is they do. Does anyone want to see Charlie Rose doing cartwheels on daytime TV? Or James Lipton doing wacky breakfast television games? We looking for Wolf Blitzer to start judging America's Got Talent? This is neither good nor bad, but I do not understand Anderson Cooper.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh