The Self-Sufficient pant

I'm not sure where sweatpants are ranked in the world of pants, but no matter where that may be – they are under rated. Even if they are rated number one.

"Number one? Come on. Who voted on this? They got robbed!"

For some reason, we are made to believe that there are only two types of people who wear sweatpants. Either really athletic people, who run all the time and go to the gym, or really obese, racist people, who run to buffets and work out at the gym of hate.

"Hey, you're wearing sweatpants. Do you try to keep in shape?"

"Shape? Do I look like I try to keep in shape? You don't need to be in shape to wave the confederate flag... You're only supposed to wave it three times anyway before you break into a coughing fit... right?"

Most people look at sweatpants as gross, disgusting pants that are only worn by huge, grossly obese people who love wrestling and racist comments.

"Hey! Slam that guy onto that dirty wetback while I drink forty-two ounces of Coke and crush these chili dogs! Ahhh! I think my heart just got put in a Sharpshooter! Ahhh!"

People also think of sweatpants as pants worn by personal trainers who haven't had an ounce of sugar in four years.

"I operate on a level of two percent body fat. If I reach anything higher or lower, I die. I also throw up pretty consistently when training people like you. What is your body fat level? Forty-two percent? Jesus... I can barely... stand... here... (<throws up>)."

"Do you have to throw up on the treadmill? I was going to run on that."

"You... run? (<throws up>)."

Everyone has a pair of sweatpants. Or at least they should. If you don't, here are some reasons why you might want to re-think that.

Sweatpants are amazing for long flights. You spend thirteen hours in a flying bus, pretty much stuck in a seat that a Chihuahua would feel claustrophobic in, there's someone always on an intercom telling you what you can and cannot do, so is this the time to get out clothes that are restricting?

"Honey, where's my tie? I'm about to get into a box and I want to look my best."

"Really? Are you dying? I know I'm going to die if I have to wait another day for you to fix the sink."

"Look, the water drains, okay? Just get off of my back. I'm flying and I want to be as uncomfortable as possible!"

"Uncomfortable? Why didn't you tell me? I'd love to help with that."

"Why are we still married?! This feels like the seat I'm about to sit in for half a day!"

If you are flying for a long time, you can try to look your best, but your face will look its worst half way through.

"Sir! Are you okay? From the neck down you look as though you are about to tackle a meeting. From the neck up you look like you are about to tackle a bed after drinking whiskey."

"Huh? Yeah. This flight is really hurting my fa... Really? You think I'll crush this meeting?"

"Sure. Just lead with your suit. Put your jacket over your head."

Sweatpants are also amazing for sitting at home. There is no reason to wear anything else in your house. Walking from room to room. Making food. Watching TV. What else would there be to wear in this situation?

"Man, I can't make chicken. My velour suit is filthy! Well, I guess I'm not eating."

Unless someone is coming over, there's no reason to have anything else on. And what if that person comes over in sweatpants!

"Hey, man. How are you?"

"I was good a minute ago when I thought we were hanging out. I wore sweatpants!"

"We're hanging out. What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? You're wearing jeans, man. Jeans! How can you really sink into a chair and enjoy Left 4 Dead in denim?"

"I was thinking about sitting erect."

"...I have never been so offended."

We have the ability right now to be comfortable when we want to be. We should take advantage of this as much as possible. Not a lot of other times in history has that been a thing. Pioneers, I bet, would have loved some sweatpants. After a long day of cutting down trees, hunting for food, building the place where they would sleep in. Do they really want to sit around a fire, drinking moonshine, wearing wool pants?

"Victor, you really shoed that horse properly today."

"Thank you. He kicked me half a dozen times, but I'm a man, and men at this point in history do not complain. Time to relax. We only have two hours until we have to get up and do it all again."

"Yes. I really wish I had something comfortable to sit in. After sixteen straight hours of work, these wool pants really do feel awful."

"Is that complaining I hear? Are you not a man?"

You can even use sweatpants to hold things. Hold things such as computers. Weird? Yes. I, though, for years, used sweatpants to wrap my laptop when I traveled. Why? Not sure. I didn't want to buy a computer case. So I didn't. I wrapped my computer in sweatpants, which was great for two reasons. One, my computer was safe. Two, I would have sweatpants when I got to wherever I was going.

"Huh, my computer still hasn't broken AND I have comfortable pants that wouldn't have fit in my luggage. Can people wear THEIR computer sleeves when they're are not holding a computer? I think not."

Sweatpants can also be tapered. Does anyone know how great this is? Tapering? So you don't walk on them? So that they don't fall down? It's great! You can't really have this on any other pants. I've seen them on jeans, but it looks strange.

"Why do your jeans hug your ankles like that?"

"Oh, they're tapered."

"... Are you going to run in your jeans?"

"What.?"

"Tapered pants are usually only tapered for athletic activities."

"Oh. Well. I did not know that."

Sweatpants are also pretty much the only pants that don't need a belt. They are a self-sufficient pant. Elastic waist, or better yet – a string you can tighten. They can be worn as soon as you get them. When you buy sweatpants, you are given everything you need with them. Regular pants are really no good without the accessory.

"Well, I just bought some pants. Now to put them on. Damn! I forgot to buy the other thing that is mandatory to have with these. I can't put a piece of string around my waist. People will think I'm crazy! If only it were socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to a funeral. Well, I guess I'll just have to pull my jacket down far, and keep my hands in my pockets so these pants don't fall down. Sorry, uncle Jerry. I tried."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

No dads. It's a thing.

I grew up without my dad around. Not that he was around for a bit and then left, he was never there. I'm in that group of people that other people feel bad for. The group who is supposed to go to jail, not be able to walk around normally or be inherently good at rapping or playing basketball.

"Your turn to choose."

"All right. Out of who's left, who had a good family life?"

"Me, me! Mom and dad were around!"

"Cool. I want nothing to do with you. I'll take you, 'no dad'. You got something to prove. You'll try to dunk from half. Let's go."

Not having a dad has shaped me in ways that some people wouldn't be able to understand, good and bad, but it's something I would not change at all. And I would argue, that although it's not 'normal', there is nothing wrong with not having a dad.

Growing up, none of my friends had both parents. None. It was mostly no dads, or they were divorced, or their mom wasn't around. That's just the way that it was. I didn't feel it was weird then. Everyone around me had the same situation, so how could it bother me?

"I don't have a dad."

"Oh, yeah? Me neither."

"What the hell! You either? This is ridiculous! We need some dads around here. Where the hell did they all go?"

"Calm down, man. You were fine two seconds ago."

"Give us dads or give us death!"

"...Okay, that's a little far."

Only when I went to college did I find out that my life was 'strange'. Everyone there had their parents, or at least knew both of them, so my life was fringe to them. People didn't understand it.

"Whoa, you don't have a dad? Is that why you're going to college? So that you don't end up being a deadbeat like him?"

"Ummm, no. It's just something I wanted to do."

"Really? Wanted to do because your dad left and with that there was a huge hole in your chest that you have decided to fill with schooling?"

"…You had your dad, right?"

"I did!"

"So why are you here?"

"...I guess... I don't... know."

Honestly, it's weird to me to think about people having their dads. Since I didn't live that way, I don't get it. You mean, there were TWO people in your house who you had to run things past? That seems harder than my life.

"Hey, can I sleep at Chris' house?"

"Well, me and your dad will have to have a sit down, write out the pros and cons of your question, and decide from there. Right, Harry?"

"Right, Alice. I have a list already started. Pro: I like Chris. Con: you won't be here in the morning to do the dishes. Alice?"

"Con: I will miss you. Pro: it'll give me and your father a bit of time to still not have sex."

"Look, guys, your answer took way too long. I have already graduated college, and me and Chris stopped being friends years ago when he started dating my ex-girlfriend. I don't even live here anymore. I am here for Thanksgiving and you just gave me an answer to a question I asked fifteen years ago. Thanks."

Only having one parent? You don't have to worry about this.

"Hey, can I stay at Chris' house?"

"...You're home? Yeah, sure."

One thing about not having a dad is that every once in awhile I will see an article about single parents. I really dislike when people say that you can't raise a child with only one parent. It is said as if the people who were raised by only one parent can't hear them.

"You can't raise a kid with only one parent. Can't do it. Unless you want a mutant kid who doesn't understand anything in life."

This is only ever said by people who were raised by both parents. It's said by them because they can't picture life any other way. Of course they would say that! If you grew up a certain way, it just becomes normal to you.

"You can't raise a kid without a pool in the backyard. Are you serious!? I grew up with a pool! Having a pool was one of things that was a constant in my life. You can't raise a kid without a pool! I had a pool! What the hell?!"

It's weird that people will get sad if I talk about not having a dad, when no one really expects dads to stick around. Nobody. Most people just sort of assume that men will take off when they have a kid.

"I have something to tell you. I am pregnant. And I've locked the doors and windows so that you can't leave."

"What? That's great! I mean, that you're pregnant. Why would I leave?"

"Yeah, as if you care. Why would you leave? You just said 'leave'. The doors are locked, Steve, and you are raising this kid!"

"What the hell? I want to!"

"Want to leave? The doors are locked, Steve! Why would you do this to me? This is a beautiful moment!"

Dads are not allowed to say that they are around for that reason.

"I am in my children's lives."

"You are supposed to be! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"But so many men aren't! Isn't it good that I am?"

"No! You're just a piece of trash that didn't pull a piece-of-trash move. Hug that kid!"

Dads are held to a really high standard. Moms have a lot more leeway. Moms can mess up for years and still be loved. Dads get a lot less chances and then are written off.

"My dad? Terrible. He wouldn't even compliment me when I made a good catch. I hate him."

Moms are loved almost no matter what.

"My mom? Yeah. She was rough. Used to beat me with the crafts that I made in school. I love her, though. I mean, she brought me into this world. I can't forget that. Love you, mom. Think about you every time I see popsicle sticks."

I've noticed that people become weird when I talk about not having a dad. Why? Especially in 2012. Do you know how many people didn't have a dad and still did good things with their lives? Barack Obama, no dad. Bill Clinton, no dad. Jay-Z, no dad! One day, kids will be so pissed to have their dads. 

"What the hell are you doing here?! I wanted to be somebody! Thanks a lot, dad!"

I'm reminded sometimes why it's good not to have a dad. The guy at the bar wearing a hockey jersey, screaming about women and drinking gross beer? I don't want to be that guy! I guarantee you he has a dad. Guaranteed! He didn't learn to act that way from his mom.

"Yeah, my mom used to get me to stay up late and say derogatory things about women while drinking Coors and talking sports. She's a great mother. I'm gonna call that slut right now."

When I was young and I'd see Maury episodes where grown men would cry on TV about not having their dads, I never understood that. If he wasn't around at all, how can you be so upset by it? He was never there! You probably never had a unicycle either; there are no episodes about that.

"Everyone, meet Chris. Chris says that he loses sleep, can't work and can't handle himself in relationships due to the fact that he has never had a Super Soaker XXP 175."

"Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh."

"That's right, Maury. I mean, I was supposed to have one! Year after year, I waited for it to come. Year after year, I was disappointed."

"That's truly a sad story. But I have some good news. We hunted it down and brought it here. So here it is, Chris' Super Soaker XXP 175!"

"BOOOOOOooooooo!"

'Squirt, squirt, squirt, full water spray, pump up to 'look out', squirt, squirt, squirt."

"Where the hell have you been!? You couldn't even show up for one birthday? Couldn't spray once when I graduated high school? I needed you! Ahhhhhh!"

Now that I'm older, I get why he left. Nobody cares about dads. Only when they are not around. I saw a man get on the subway holding his baby. Holding it! No stroller, just holding it in his arms. Nobody moved to give him a seat. No one! 

"Yeah, how does that feel? The mother held him for nine months! You can hold him for nine stops."

I've seen women get on with strollers and people give them seats. Get right up. A man holding his kid without wheels? Nothing. I get why dads leave. I wouldn't be surprised if he walked away right there.

"No seats, huh? Fine!"

"Waaaahhhhaaa!"

"The baby's yours now, train! Hope he doesn't become a criminal."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Professional Critics. You can be judged too.

For some reason, there are people who have been able to make a living by telling us what they think of stage shows, movies, and music. Professional critics don't do anything themselves, but are able to see talented people and shows for free and judge them on what they do.
"Welcome! Tickets are forty five dollars."
"Oh, actually, I don't pay. I will write about your show. Good or bad. Good chance of bad, better chance of a 'meh'."
"... Oh. 'Meh' is alright. Have a good night!"
These people spend their entire careers not creating anything, but writing about things that others have created.

Critics also have no discernible talents. None! They give nothing to the world but their opinions on what other people give to the world. In sports, there are old players and coaches who commentate or give their opinions on games. That makes sense. You know, people who have actually participated in the event having an opinion on the sport they are discussing? Why is that not the same for movies, music, and stage shows? The only people who should be able to talk about these things are the people who have done them. If Steven Spielberg starts writing articles about movies, those opinions would carry weight.

"This movie is AWFUL. It's shot terribly and the writing is bad. Do these actors even want to be here?! What credits do I have? Maybe you remember a little franchise entitled Back to the Future, Jurassic Park or Indiana Jones? If you don't, you should see this movie. You have never seen anything good, so you will love it."

You know why that doesn't happen? It's because that people who create are busy actually CREATING things for the world to see! They are creating! They don't have the time to give their opinions on other movies.

"Hey, Denzel, what do you think about Sean Penn's performance in his latest movie?"

"What?...How the hell did you get on the set?! You just ruined this scene! Are you insane?! Fuck Sean Penn. I'm working!"

How can being a professional critic be a job? With social media the way that it is, how can you get paid for your opinion when you don't do anything? I could see the usefulness of this job if critics were the only ones who had the power of opinion. You know, if opinions were something only certain people were born with and not something that EVERYONE has?

"Hey, man. What did you think of that?"

"Ah, I can't put it into words. I wasn't born with the natural ability to have thoughts about things."

"Oh, I was. I thought it was mediocre."

"Whoa! How did you do that?! It would have taken me WEEKS to do that. I'd have to ask others, take polls, read up on it. But you? Wow. So quick. You should do this for a living."

I don't care what anyone says – these people, when bashing movies, music, actors or any people who actually do things that take talent, are professional bullies. They are making money by bashing others. Then, funnily enough, they have the audacity to come out and speak out against a bullying case that makes the news.

"We have to stop bullying. This is just ridiculous. Also, you should read my article about why everyone on the X Factor deserves to be broke and dead. Stop bullying, guys. It's just disgusting."

It's hard to tell kids to stop bullying when you can get paid for it.

"Kids. Don't bully people."

"But you bully people all the time. You say they're trash, what they are doing with their lives is terrible, and that they don't deserve any recognition at all. AND you get paid to do it! Why shouldn't I call Sarah a piece of garbage?"

"Well, because Sarah didn't make an album that was a cancer on this world, did she? No. If she does, though, THEN it's okay to say she is awful. Do you understand? People who are just living are not allowed to be made fun of. But if they try to do what they want to do with their lives, then you can say whatever you want about them and it's fine!"

"Oh, I get it! Well, Sarah sang the school's anthem at a basketball game the other day and I didn't think it was as good as Jessica. Can I make fun of her now?"

"Make fun of her? You're allowed to write things that will make her cry. Go ahead, kid. And if it's REALLY hilarious, I'll give you a hundred dollars."

This is why some critics become so vicious. The only professional critics who become well known are the ones who completely destroy the things that they critique.

"This is the worst thing I have ever seen! Everyone involved with this project should be boiled in acid, then thrown onto the L.A. freeway during rush hour."

My favorite thing about when that happens is that this person, who does nothing but critique things, walks into the spotlight as if they have done something! They'll hang out with the people who they destroyed in their articles.

"Hey, Madonna! Remember when I said you were an old whore? Well, that got me invited to stand beside you on a carpet! Just want to let you know, I'm a huge fan."

Professional critics are supposed to be taken seriously because what they have to say has been printed. Usually, though, they have cartoonish-ly ridiculous rating systems. Rarely is it simply, "This is good" or "Hey, I thought it wasn't put together well!" Most times it has to be some over-the-top chart, measuring stick, or a scale with one to ten of something that doesn't make any sense.

"I give this three CDs out of a possible box set."

"No way. It wasn't THAT good. I give it twenty-three fries out of a full bag."

"Only twenty-three fries out of a full bag? You're kidding me, right? Did you even watch it?"

"Did you? No way it's higher than fifty six yards out of a possible foot ball field."

"What? Are you crazy?! It's at least three salt shaker shakes out of a out of a possible 'guy-with-a-sodium-problem'."

"You've got to be kidding me! I'd give this movie two Beatle's legs out of a full insect."

"...Hmmm. Are we talking beetle?"

"Of course."

"Now THAT I can agree with."

These opinions are supposed to have any weight? We are supposed to take these seriously? No one else could do this.

"Hello. I'd like to take out a loan."

"Hmm, I'm sorry, sir. Your financial situation is three mozza sticks and a jalapeno popper out of a platter."

"...What does that mean?"

"It means on a scale of toast and butter to Denny's Grand Slam breakfast, your money is a half a bowl of soggy Shreddies."

"I don't understand."

"You don't have enough money, all right? It's an insult for you to come in here and ask for a loan. It's like a kid asking for a cell phone."

"Ohhh... why didn't you just say that?"

Why would anyone listen to these people? They are you! They are me! They ain't nobody! Why would anyone listen to his or her critiques of movies? Is it because they've watched a lot? Who hasn't!

"I've seen a TON of movies and that gives me the right to make money off of these statements. This movie sucks. Give me money!"

"I thought that movie sucked. Do I get money?"

"No! Because you didn't write a catty article about it, saying that the actors in this movie should quit and die, and have it posted in a magazine without my picture on it because I'm a big man. You didn't do that, did you? No. I get paid!"

You can only do this from behind closed doors. You could never just do it at the theatre.

"Hmmm, I left the theatre and didn't completely feel that I had a good time. I have to tell others in this theatre. 'Hey, I didn't like this movie!'

"You think I care, buddy? Shut the hell up."

"Whoa. That didn't work. I know, I'll go home, write about my feelings, and send it out faceless-ly across the net. THAT'S how you get people to pay attention to you."

The people who the professional critics critique are in the public eye. We know what they look like and we know things about their lives. Do we know a lot about critics? Are we privy to any aspects of their lives? Nope. None.

"Hello, here are things I think about other humans. You want to know about me? Nonsense. I am ambiguous. Why? It's because I do not want myself out there to be judged the way that I judge others. What am I, crazy?"

I think it would be great if there were critics who got paid to critique critics.

"Oh, yeah, nice review of Piranha: 3 Double D. Of course it wasn't as good as Amistad! It's not supposed to be! It's fun! Does EVERYTHING have to be an Oscar contender?"

I forgot. This does happen. The only difference is – it's all of us, and we do not get paid for it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh