For some reason, there are people who have been able to
make a living by telling us what they think of stage shows, movies, and
music. Professional critics don't do anything themselves, but are able
to see talented people and shows for free and judge them on what they
"Welcome! Tickets are forty five dollars."
"Oh, actually, I don't pay. I will write about your show. Good or bad. Good chance of bad, better chance of a 'meh'."
"... Oh. 'Meh' is alright. Have a good night!"
These people spend their entire careers not creating anything, but
writing about things that others have created.
also have no discernible talents. None! They give nothing to the world
but their opinions on what other people give to the world. In sports,
there are old players and coaches who commentate or give their opinions
on games. That makes sense. You know, people who have actually
participated in the event having an opinion on the sport they are
discussing? Why is that not the same for movies, music, and stage shows?
The only people who should be able to talk about these things are the
people who have done them. If Steven Spielberg starts writing articles
about movies, those opinions would carry weight.
movie is AWFUL. It's shot terribly and the writing is bad. Do these
actors even want to be here?! What credits do I have? Maybe you remember
a little franchise entitled Back to the Future, Jurassic Park or
Indiana Jones? If you don't, you should see this movie. You have never
seen anything good, so you will love it."
know why that doesn't happen? It's because that people who create are busy
actually CREATING things for the world to see! They are creating! They
don't have the time to give their opinions on other movies.
"Hey, Denzel, what do you think about Sean Penn's performance in his latest movie?"
"What?...How the hell did you get on the set?! You just ruined this scene! Are you insane?! Fuck Sean Penn. I'm working!"
can being a professional critic be a job? With social media the way
that it is, how can you get paid for your opinion when you don't do
anything? I could see the usefulness of this job if critics were the
only ones who had the power of opinion. You know, if opinions were
something only certain people were born with and not something that
"Hey, man. What did you think of that?"
"Ah, I can't put it into words. I wasn't born with the natural ability to have thoughts about things."
"Oh, I was. I thought it was mediocre."
How did you do that?! It would have taken me WEEKS to do that. I'd have
to ask others, take polls, read up on it. But you? Wow. So quick. You
should do this for a living."
don't care what anyone says – these people, when bashing movies, music,
actors or any people who actually do things that take talent, are
professional bullies. They are making money by bashing others. Then,
funnily enough, they have the audacity to come out and speak out against
a bullying case that makes the news.
"We have to
stop bullying. This is just ridiculous. Also, you should read my article
about why everyone on the X Factor deserves to be broke and dead. Stop
bullying, guys. It's just disgusting."
It's hard to tell kids to stop bullying when you can get paid for it.
"Kids. Don't bully people."
you bully people all the time. You say they're trash, what they are
doing with their lives is terrible, and that they don't deserve any
recognition at all. AND you get paid to do it! Why shouldn't I call
Sarah a piece of garbage?"
"Well, because Sarah
didn't make an album that was a cancer on this world, did she? No. If
she does, though, THEN it's okay to say she is awful. Do you understand?
People who are just living are not allowed to be made fun of. But if
they try to do what they want to do with their lives, then you can say
whatever you want about them and it's fine!"
get it! Well, Sarah sang the school's anthem at a basketball game the
other day and I didn't think it was as good as Jessica. Can I make fun
of her now?"
"Make fun of her? You're allowed to
write things that will make her cry. Go ahead, kid. And if it's REALLY
hilarious, I'll give you a hundred dollars."
is why some critics become so vicious. The only professional critics
who become well known are the ones who completely destroy the things that
"This is the worst thing I have ever
seen! Everyone involved with this project should be boiled in acid, then
thrown onto the L.A. freeway during rush hour."
favorite thing about when that happens is that this person, who does
nothing but critique things, walks into the spotlight as if they have
done something! They'll hang out with the people who they destroyed in
"Hey, Madonna! Remember when I said
you were an old whore? Well, that got me invited to stand beside you on a
carpet! Just want to let you know, I'm a huge fan."
critics are supposed to be taken seriously because what they have to
say has been printed. Usually, though, they have cartoonish-ly
ridiculous rating systems. Rarely is it simply, "This is good" or "Hey, I
thought it wasn't put together well!" Most times it has to be some
over-the-top chart, measuring stick, or a scale with one to ten of
something that doesn't make any sense.
"I give this three CDs out of a possible box set."
"No way. It wasn't THAT good. I give it twenty-three fries out of a full bag."
"Only twenty-three fries out of a full bag? You're kidding me, right? Did you even watch it?"
"Did you? No way it's higher than fifty six yards out of a possible foot ball field."
"What? Are you crazy?! It's at least three salt shaker shakes out of a out of a possible 'guy-with-a-sodium-problem'."
"You've got to be kidding me! I'd give this movie two Beatle's legs out of a full insect."
"...Hmmm. Are we talking beetle?"
"Now THAT I can agree with."
These opinions are supposed to have any weight? We are supposed to take these seriously? No one else could do this.
"Hello. I'd like to take out a loan."
"Hmm, I'm sorry, sir. Your financial situation is three mozza sticks and a jalapeno popper out of a platter."
"...What does that mean?"
"It means on a scale of toast and butter to Denny's Grand Slam breakfast, your money is a half a bowl of soggy Shreddies."
"I don't understand."
don't have enough money, all right? It's an insult for you to come in
here and ask for a loan. It's like a kid asking for a cell phone."
"Ohhh... why didn't you just say that?"
would anyone listen to these people? They are you! They are me! They
ain't nobody! Why would anyone listen to his or her critiques of movies?
Is it because they've watched a lot? Who hasn't!
"I've seen a TON of movies and that gives me the right to make money off of these statements. This movie sucks. Give me money!"
"I thought that movie sucked. Do I get money?"
Because you didn't write a catty article about it, saying that the
actors in this movie should quit and die, and have it posted in a
magazine without my picture on it because I'm a big man. You didn't do
that, did you? No. I get paid!"
You can only do this from behind closed doors. You could never just do it at the theatre.
I left the theatre and didn't completely feel that I had a good time. I
have to tell others in this theatre. 'Hey, I didn't like this movie!'
"You think I care, buddy? Shut the hell up."
That didn't work. I know, I'll go home, write about my feelings, and
send it out faceless-ly across the net. THAT'S how you get people to pay
attention to you."
people who the professional critics critique are in the public eye. We
know what they look like and we know things about their lives. Do we
know a lot about critics? Are we privy to any aspects of their lives?
"Hello, here are things I think about
other humans. You want to know about me? Nonsense. I am ambiguous. Why?
It's because I do not want myself out there to be judged the way that I
judge others. What am I, crazy?"
I think it would be great if there were critics who got paid to critique critics.
yeah, nice review of Piranha: 3 Double D. Of course it wasn't as good
as Amistad! It's not supposed to be! It's fun! Does EVERYTHING have to
be an Oscar contender?"
I forgot. This does happen. The only difference is – it's all of us, and we do not get paid for it.