Professional Critics. You can be judged too.

For some reason, there are people who have been able to make a living by telling us what they think of stage shows, movies, and music. Professional critics don't do anything themselves, but are able to see talented people and shows for free and judge them on what they do.
"Welcome! Tickets are forty five dollars."
"Oh, actually, I don't pay. I will write about your show. Good or bad. Good chance of bad, better chance of a 'meh'."
"... Oh. 'Meh' is alright. Have a good night!"
These people spend their entire careers not creating anything, but writing about things that others have created.

Critics also have no discernible talents. None! They give nothing to the world but their opinions on what other people give to the world. In sports, there are old players and coaches who commentate or give their opinions on games. That makes sense. You know, people who have actually participated in the event having an opinion on the sport they are discussing? Why is that not the same for movies, music, and stage shows? The only people who should be able to talk about these things are the people who have done them. If Steven Spielberg starts writing articles about movies, those opinions would carry weight.

"This movie is AWFUL. It's shot terribly and the writing is bad. Do these actors even want to be here?! What credits do I have? Maybe you remember a little franchise entitled Back to the Future, Jurassic Park or Indiana Jones? If you don't, you should see this movie. You have never seen anything good, so you will love it."

You know why that doesn't happen? It's because that people who create are busy actually CREATING things for the world to see! They are creating! They don't have the time to give their opinions on other movies.

"Hey, Denzel, what do you think about Sean Penn's performance in his latest movie?"

"What?...How the hell did you get on the set?! You just ruined this scene! Are you insane?! Fuck Sean Penn. I'm working!"

How can being a professional critic be a job? With social media the way that it is, how can you get paid for your opinion when you don't do anything? I could see the usefulness of this job if critics were the only ones who had the power of opinion. You know, if opinions were something only certain people were born with and not something that EVERYONE has?

"Hey, man. What did you think of that?"

"Ah, I can't put it into words. I wasn't born with the natural ability to have thoughts about things."

"Oh, I was. I thought it was mediocre."

"Whoa! How did you do that?! It would have taken me WEEKS to do that. I'd have to ask others, take polls, read up on it. But you? Wow. So quick. You should do this for a living."

I don't care what anyone says – these people, when bashing movies, music, actors or any people who actually do things that take talent, are professional bullies. They are making money by bashing others. Then, funnily enough, they have the audacity to come out and speak out against a bullying case that makes the news.

"We have to stop bullying. This is just ridiculous. Also, you should read my article about why everyone on the X Factor deserves to be broke and dead. Stop bullying, guys. It's just disgusting."

It's hard to tell kids to stop bullying when you can get paid for it.

"Kids. Don't bully people."

"But you bully people all the time. You say they're trash, what they are doing with their lives is terrible, and that they don't deserve any recognition at all. AND you get paid to do it! Why shouldn't I call Sarah a piece of garbage?"

"Well, because Sarah didn't make an album that was a cancer on this world, did she? No. If she does, though, THEN it's okay to say she is awful. Do you understand? People who are just living are not allowed to be made fun of. But if they try to do what they want to do with their lives, then you can say whatever you want about them and it's fine!"

"Oh, I get it! Well, Sarah sang the school's anthem at a basketball game the other day and I didn't think it was as good as Jessica. Can I make fun of her now?"

"Make fun of her? You're allowed to write things that will make her cry. Go ahead, kid. And if it's REALLY hilarious, I'll give you a hundred dollars."

This is why some critics become so vicious. The only professional critics who become well known are the ones who completely destroy the things that they critique.

"This is the worst thing I have ever seen! Everyone involved with this project should be boiled in acid, then thrown onto the L.A. freeway during rush hour."

My favorite thing about when that happens is that this person, who does nothing but critique things, walks into the spotlight as if they have done something! They'll hang out with the people who they destroyed in their articles.

"Hey, Madonna! Remember when I said you were an old whore? Well, that got me invited to stand beside you on a carpet! Just want to let you know, I'm a huge fan."

Professional critics are supposed to be taken seriously because what they have to say has been printed. Usually, though, they have cartoonish-ly ridiculous rating systems. Rarely is it simply, "This is good" or "Hey, I thought it wasn't put together well!" Most times it has to be some over-the-top chart, measuring stick, or a scale with one to ten of something that doesn't make any sense.

"I give this three CDs out of a possible box set."

"No way. It wasn't THAT good. I give it twenty-three fries out of a full bag."

"Only twenty-three fries out of a full bag? You're kidding me, right? Did you even watch it?"

"Did you? No way it's higher than fifty six yards out of a possible foot ball field."

"What? Are you crazy?! It's at least three salt shaker shakes out of a out of a possible 'guy-with-a-sodium-problem'."

"You've got to be kidding me! I'd give this movie two Beatle's legs out of a full insect."

"...Hmmm. Are we talking beetle?"

"Of course."

"Now THAT I can agree with."

These opinions are supposed to have any weight? We are supposed to take these seriously? No one else could do this.

"Hello. I'd like to take out a loan."

"Hmm, I'm sorry, sir. Your financial situation is three mozza sticks and a jalapeno popper out of a platter."

"...What does that mean?"

"It means on a scale of toast and butter to Denny's Grand Slam breakfast, your money is a half a bowl of soggy Shreddies."

"I don't understand."

"You don't have enough money, all right? It's an insult for you to come in here and ask for a loan. It's like a kid asking for a cell phone."

"Ohhh... why didn't you just say that?"

Why would anyone listen to these people? They are you! They are me! They ain't nobody! Why would anyone listen to his or her critiques of movies? Is it because they've watched a lot? Who hasn't!

"I've seen a TON of movies and that gives me the right to make money off of these statements. This movie sucks. Give me money!"

"I thought that movie sucked. Do I get money?"

"No! Because you didn't write a catty article about it, saying that the actors in this movie should quit and die, and have it posted in a magazine without my picture on it because I'm a big man. You didn't do that, did you? No. I get paid!"

You can only do this from behind closed doors. You could never just do it at the theatre.

"Hmmm, I left the theatre and didn't completely feel that I had a good time. I have to tell others in this theatre. 'Hey, I didn't like this movie!'

"You think I care, buddy? Shut the hell up."

"Whoa. That didn't work. I know, I'll go home, write about my feelings, and send it out faceless-ly across the net. THAT'S how you get people to pay attention to you."

The people who the professional critics critique are in the public eye. We know what they look like and we know things about their lives. Do we know a lot about critics? Are we privy to any aspects of their lives? Nope. None.

"Hello, here are things I think about other humans. You want to know about me? Nonsense. I am ambiguous. Why? It's because I do not want myself out there to be judged the way that I judge others. What am I, crazy?"

I think it would be great if there were critics who got paid to critique critics.

"Oh, yeah, nice review of Piranha: 3 Double D. Of course it wasn't as good as Amistad! It's not supposed to be! It's fun! Does EVERYTHING have to be an Oscar contender?"

I forgot. This does happen. The only difference is – it's all of us, and we do not get paid for it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh