Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

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Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Rap made me write this.

Rap music has made me dance, throw things when I've been drunk, and has motivated me to keep working when I didn't want to. I suppose it didn't make me throw things, but you get drunk, listen to DMX's "Party Up", and try not to throw something. You'll throw your mom if she's close.
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"

Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.

Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?

Rappers seem to have a problem with their audience. Why are rappers yelling at us about the things they have that we don't? Do you even want me to listen to these songs, rappers? Should I have not have bought this?

"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"

Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.
"I'm on pills! I'm on pills! Time to chill, I'm on pills!"
"Let's drink, let's drink! Whatchu think? I think it's time to drink!"
"Where'd she go, man? I loved her fam! She was the best girl, I took her around the world. Now we aren't together, and I've been crying in the studio since September. Please God, WHHHYYY?!"


Every rapper has the same answer to the question, "Who do you want to work with?"
"Who do I want to work with? That's easy. Tupac, man. Pac. Because he's the greatest, and I'm the greatest, and we would make a great collab."
Why do you want to be on a song with Tupac? Do you have dreams of being the worst part of a song? Is that what it is? You just have a need to be embarrassed on a song? Tupac rapped about social struggle, you're gonna rap about Gucci bandanas for three and a half minutes. These two things do not need to come together. That's the same as if Snooki said she really wanted to speak publicly with Martin Luther King, Jr. Doesn't need to be!
"Well, he said, "I have a dream", and I said, "If you're not a guido, get the fuck out of my face!"

Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.

All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"

Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.
"This beat..................is hot......................write something down........................I think not."
Where did you go?! Are you counting money between verses?! Taking some bitches out of the oven!? Trying to figure out your rapper noise?! Finish the song before you take huge breaks!

Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!
"Naw, I don't write nothing down. Pen? I don't know what you're talking about. Paper? I spend it, I don't write on it! I just get in the studio and flow."
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"

Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.

Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"

I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"

Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?
"What do you want to have in this video?"
"I was thinking cars, watches, girls, money, girls on money, cars on girls on money, a watch so big it can wear a girl as a watch, car full of money that runs on money. That kinda thing."
"...Um, I don't mean to mess with your groove, but have you seen this video? Or this one?"
"What is he doing?! That's my video! He stole my idea! Okay, okay. Let's relax for a minute. What's another idea I have? OH! How about driving a motorbike with a hundred of my "friends" through my hood?!"
"Oh, boy. I hate to be the one to show you this..."
"My God! How did these other rappers get into my thoughts?! Damn you, psychic rappers! DAMN YOU!"

When rappers aren't talking about watches, they are giving us dance moves to do for a week. I suppose that's what happens, though, when you don't write.
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"? 

So many rappers now want to be Celine Dion. Why is everyone singing? We all owe Ja Rule an apology. He sang, and we all hated him for it. Years later, Drake sings, "Look, this is the greatest thing in world!" Listen, I'm not saying Ja Rule could sing, but you can't convince me that Drake is amazing at it either. Maybe if Ja Rule had called himself "Jizzy Rizzy Rule" we'd all still be screaming Holla Holla.

One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"

There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.

I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!

I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay? 
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