Tabasco Is Offensive

The health department should hand out violations to any restaurant that only has Tabasco for hot sauce. ANY restaurant that brings you Tabasco when you say, ‘Do you have hot sauce?’ should be given a B rating. EVERY restaurant that thinks TABASCO is an acceptable HOT SAUCE should have their rent tripled. ALL restaurants that only have Tabasco for hot sauce should be filled with cement. Restaurants should feel ashamed to have this as the only option. Tabasco is not hot sauce. It is not vinegar. It is basically peppered, puddle water that’s been heated by the sun.

Servers who work at a restaurant that only has Tabacco know what they are bringing to the table. They hold their head down, with zero confidence, toss it on the table before you even catch what’s happened, then probably go in the back and plead to a manager.

‘You have to buy new hot sauce. I CAN’T bring this to tables anymore.’

‘Gotta keep costs low, that’s why I walk under bridges and catch the water that drips from them into a bottle.’

‘They want HOT SAUCE, not bridge drippings!’

‘They don’t know what they want! That’s why the menu here is 76 pages.’

‘78!’

‘78! Even better.’

No server puts Tabasco on the table with confidence. They don’t go, ‘And here you are. TABASCO! That’s the REAL stuff. Tabasco! Can you BELIEVE that we have this?!’

I can’t. This place should be closed. There are a SELECT GROUP OF HUMANS who could even POSSIBLY find Tabasco passable.

1. POWs

Were you captured during war times? Did you spend time in a hole where you had to drink your own piss to stay alive? Did a Vietnamese guard stand over top of you yelling ‘didi mao!’ holding a chicken while you tried to figure out WHAT the hell he wanted? Then Tabasco is for you. You might even enjoy it JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE than tossing your legs behind your head and using your own mouth for a urinal. Being held in a bamboo cage while you’re poked with hot steel prepares for you something like Tabasco being the only option for your meal.

2. Anyone who lived through The Great Depression

One day you’re riding high, betting on the big James J. Braddock vs Ulysses FarmBurner fight, next day you’re selling your spoons for bread. For YEARS you walk to the docks every day trying to get work to no avail. You fill the holes in your shoes with newspaper that everyday reads ‘Guess what? We’re still depressed!’ and the bank will only let you take out one dollar a week, then Tabasco is for you.

‘Here’s what we can do for dinner. I can bake socks or pour Tabasco into your hand.’

‘Can I have Tabasco ON the socks?’

‘Then WHAT will we eat for the rest of the week, James?’

Tabasco should be the face of the Great Depression.

‘Hey, could be worse,. You could be living in Central Park drinking beer made in a wash basin out of a boot. Or a bottle with a red top… Tabasco.’

If you lived through the dirty 30s, you won’t mind a splash of Tabasco on your monte cristo.

3. Anyone who enjoys being kicked in the balls

Do you like someone kicking you directly in the mangos? Are you a fan of placing your bare sack on a hardwood floor while a woman in heels steps on it and calls you a cuck? Then you COULD be in the market for Tabasco. Tabasco does for you mouth what that human in work boots whose leg is cocked back does to your testicles. Hurts it. Destroys it. Not. One. Favour. If having your marbles rocked gets you off, then Tabasco on your burger is for you.

@nathanmacintosh

The Irishman

The movie made by the man who said “Marvel movies are not cinema” is finally out out and some people are pretty angry about it. I saw it before it came on Netflix because I knew that if I watched it at home I would check my phone seven hundred times with my entire dick in a tub of butter.

‘Wow! Look at this video of a UPS guy waiting at a door! I mean, it’s great! See, this psycho has a camera on their doorbell because they NEED TO KNOW who is at the door! They couldn’t possibly just go to their goddamn door and see. And better than that! They POST the videos that the doorbell takes! Isn’t that great? They don’t ask permission or anything they just DO IT because they are creative geniuses wh… wait, who the hell is Pacino in this thing? Hoffa? Who the hell is Hoffa? Whatever, I’m gonna warm up this butter.’

Now that it’s on Netflix? A LOT of people have a LOT of opinions. And if you like or do not like the movie, completely fine. But these are my favourite reactions to The Irishman that I came across multiple times.

1. Not Enough Action

   ‘The Irishman didn’t have enough action.’ Not enough action? Who told you this was going to be Sudden Death? Above The Law? This is not an ACTION movie. Never was described that way. I mean, I get it. Scorsese is known mostly for his big action sequences. Remember that scene in Goodfellas where Henry Hill takes down a helicopter shirtless with only a handgun as cars explode all around him? Or that GREAT scene in Casino where Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein fights fifteen Yakuza members in a steam room wearing only a towel? Remember when he broke that one guy’s neck and yelled ‘You’ll never take my Casino, you dirty Yaks!’ I mean THAT was action. OR in Raging Bull, when Jake Lamotta walks into a boxing ring holding a grenade, says ‘1st Round KO’ then THROWS the grenade at Sugar Ray Robinson who disintegrates into dust?! I personally will NEVER forget the scene in Taxi Driver where Travis Bickle oils himself up, travels to Vietnam and wins the war HIMSELF.

   ‘Are you looking at me, complete Vietnamese army!’

   You just CAN’T beat action scenes like that. This is a departure from that for Scorsese. This is a well-told story with great acting. If you’d like some more action from this movie, bang your head off your fridge.

2. The de-aging looks ridiculous! I mean LOOK at it!

   ‘I mean, why not get a younger person to play these guys! They look so OLD!’ Interesting that this is a problem for some people but nobody has an issue with filters on Instagram.

   ‘Wait, I know Jeff and he’s NOT Perpetua! He’s a NORMAL at BEST!’

   People have a problem with DeNiro with a younger face beating up a man with his seventy six year old body. This type of CGI bothers you but two raptors FIGHTING in Jurassic Park? Nothing. Two RAPTORS are FIGHTING. Doesn’t look ridiculous at all? Maybe nobody noticed.

   ‘I can’t BELIEVE that not only are there still two raptors alive today, but that they trained them to fight in this movie! This thing deserves an Oscar.’

   ‘Those are CGI raptors.’

   ‘No way! They are right there!

   Or how about Captain America wearing a one piece leotard while talking to NOBODY on a screen. Acting with so much CGI there is NOTHING around him at all. Not an issue? Okay so a man, who is ON SCREEN, acting while his face is younger than he actually is, is WORSE than an adult wearing a mask talking to a not-there-at-all raccoon?

   ‘But his body is OLD!’ Yes. It is. And unless you’re a twelve year old who posts five Tik Toks a day, you should be able to deal with this. If not? Maybe banging your head off of your fridge will help.

3. It’s SO Long. Like SOOOOO Long.

   Were you the only person who didn’t know how long the movie was? If so, yes, I feel for you. I would feel AWFUL as well if I was the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH who wasn’t aware that this was a long movie. It must have been devastating to think you were getting into a sitcom length Scorsese movie only to find out that it was longer than a REGULAR movie! You thought you were about to watch Frasier, and someone threw The Ten Commandments at you.

   ‘No! I was just hoping to hear a ‘Oh for god sake, Niles!’ and now Charlton Heston is telling me not to covet my neighbours wife!’

   The rest of us, not wanting to leave you behind like this again, will make a CONCERTED EFFORT to ALWAYS make sure YOU are aware the EXACT LENGTH of a movie that the REST OF US know. No cinephile left behind, as they say. It’s on US, as a SOCIETY, to make sure that EVERY psychotic monster who can’t read the play time at the bottom of the screen is well informed as to the length of a movie that the rest of us are aware of. In this case, it’s our fault. It’s on us that you were left ALONE in this cold world where great acting and a great story go FARTHER INTO TIME than you were told about.

   MAYBE, the director, Scorsese, gave us a longer movie because there is NO WAY that you will EVER see Pesci, DeNiro and Pacino together again on the same screen. Never. If YOU’D like to see them together again though, if you’d like this vision to go through your head without it BEING SO LONG, try putting your head in your fridge and slamming the door.

'Mamava' - Breast Feeding In Peace

There are a lot of frustrating things happening in the airport. Kids crying. Boarding passes being checked thousands of times. Some psycho late for a flight who STILL needs to buy a danish from Auntie M’s then argue with the gate agent when the gate has been locked with crumbs in their mouth ‘but it’s right there! The plane is RIGHT THERE!’ But this is the FIRST TIME, I saw this.

A trailer for mothers that allows for ‘breastfeeding and pumping in peace’. This mobile home that was brought inside is for mothers, to BREAST FEED in peace. This tool shed found in backyards hidden in by sad dads who ‘tinker with nuts and bolts’ while they’re actually ‘thinking about their entire life and the wrong turns they’ve made’, has been brought INSIDE so that moms can PEACEFULLY feed their babies.

Now of course, there would be a lot of mothers who love this, and that’s fine. Own space. Privacy. Makes sense. Some of that would come from mothers not WANTING to have to sit in a chair openly because SOMEONE might glare at them like like they’re microwaving a bowl of cereal. But some would be excited about this, because there are some complete criminals who have a problem with how babies feed. Oddly repressed psychos who instead of dealing with their own feelings have to make a face or a comment because ‘ugh! A tit! And a baby attached to it! Not in my town, buddy!’ So this milking RV would make them comfortable. There have been many articles and think pieces over the years about women breast feeding in public.

‘Should It Be Done?’

‘Is It Gross?’

‘Why Can’t I Also, If Hungry, Ask This Mother If I Can Suck On The Left One?’

Many people think it’s insane that a woman would breast feed in public. So this bungalow for breasts seems to be trying to hide the fact that babies eat. But, if people can argue that feeding a baby in public is somehow wrong or gross or shouldn’t be done, how are there PLENTY OF OTHER THINGS that people should ONLY be doing in the comfort of a rolling family room that are never talked about? There are MANY other things people do very publicly that should be done incredibly privately.

EATING AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH - Egg and MAYO?! Together again for the never should have happened to begin with? Eggs shouldn’t be eaten in public. If someone had a tablespoon of mayo and was just sucking on it we’d all want them locked up. Why is THIS not a caged option? Why is there not a ‘EggAva’ Caravan where you can ‘Eat This Disgusting Lunch Option In Peace’? If babies only ate egg salad that came from tits, there sure as hell would be.

PEOPLE PICKING THEIR NOSE - THIS HAPPENS WAY TOO MUCH. People, in PUBLIC, with their entire hand in their head. Their ENTIRE HAND is in their face as if they are trying to push the button on their brain that would shut off the need to PICK THEIR NOSE IN PUBLIC. Is THIS not disgusting? Why is there no ‘PickYourNoseAva’ covered gazebo where you can ‘Dig Into Your Skull In Peace’? WHY NOT?! Breast feeding needs to be hidden but this doesn’t? How are people less upset about THIS?! EVERYONE tells their kids not to pick their nose. Anyone tell their kids not to eat?

ARGUING WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Happens daily. People bringing their trash into the street.

‘You were supposed to NOT cheat on me!’

‘Today? You didn’t say today!’

‘It’s everyday!’

‘Okay well NOW I KNOW! FINE. Starting now, I WON’T cheat on you on Tuesdays…’

‘No EVERY DAY! Not just every Tuesday!’

Some how THIS is better than a baby having lunch. SOME magic way it’s more wrong for some to see a woman feeding a baby with her chest but it’s COMPLETELY okay for two people who shouldn’t be together screaming at each other.

‘Man that couple is REALLY going at it. She just called him an asshole and through her phone at him!’

‘At least her boobs aren’t out giving milk to a child! Now let’s go tell these people to speak American!’

Get them a ‘YellAtYourSoonToBeExAva’ closed UFC cage type thing that they can climb into and go at it.

To the mothers that are happy about this thing, great! Happy for you. To the weirdos that are happy about it because ‘I don’t want to see that’, nobody wants to see you wearing sunglasses on the back of your head with boot cut jeans and running shoes tied too tight either. But here we are.