Nathan Macintosh

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Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "Religion"

The Pope. He's out!


The pope has retired. He is the first pope in six hundred years to step down. It's a job that you are supposed to die at. Die. You are supposed to be the pope until you die. And that's actually die. Drop dead. Not just lose your soul, ability to feel and love after working in a call center day after day, after day.
"I think I need out of this job. I've been answering the phone here and getting yelled at for eight straight years now. I honestly don't know if I have any emotions left."
"Dead inside, huh? I hear ya. There's no getting out of here that way, though. They actually like it if you are without a soul anymore. Makes you a more efficient worker. Actually, you could get a promotion!"
"If they give me a promotion, I'm promoting myself all the way to hell."
You are supposed to die as pope while driving around in the pope-mobile feebly waving at people who believe in you, or kick the bucket while saying that gays are ruining the world.
"And God said... agh! My heart! It must be some queer clogging up my arteries. You killed me, gays! You did!"
But this pope has just said that he "doesn't feel up to it." That seems like a pretty holy thing to say. "Agh, don't feel like it." In a job that you are supposed to die doing, how can you resign? Wouldn't resigning from a job you are supposed to die in be killing yourself?
"I'm resigning as a father."
"You're a father no matter what you do. You'll be a good one or a bad one. How the hell are you going to resign?"
"I don't know. Rope. Running my car in the garage. A rusty coke can. I haven't decided yet, but I'm resigning."

What is the procedure to pick a new pope? Voting? A secret ballot system? Maybe there should be an American Idol type contest.
"Last week, we saw Xavier XVL put on the pope mitre in just forty five seconds. This week? Can he pretend to not see this priest touch this young boy? We'll soon find out and then throw the voting to you!"
In order for there to be a new pope, the preceding pope usually has to have died. The pope is sort of like the Highlander. There can only be one. Assuming the other pope is dead, a bunch of cardinals sit in a room, then they and God vote on the next pope. Yes, God. This is paraphrasing, but this is what I could find. God decides on the next pope, but I guess just because they would get bored sitting there waiting for God, the cardinals fill out ballots to vote.
"So, what, we just sit here until he decides?"
"Yes. He'll give us a sign."
"Ah, man. Well, can we do something until then? Cards? Dominoes? You wanna know who I like for pope? I was thinking that Celestine would be pretty good."
"Pretty good?"
"Yeah. He's old. He's white. He looks good in a blanket. He can wave. I think he's got it."

I don't truly understand this man. He's God's right hand man? He was chosen to be the head of the Catholic Church because he sees God more than the next guy?
"God came to me three times yesterday."
"Only three? I slept with him, then we made eggs in the morning."
"...Huh. Well, I guess you get the hat."
Apparently, the pope is the pastor of the universal church. You know, if you went to Mars and wanted to go repent? The pope is the pastor of the church on that surface as well.
"Took me a long time to get here! Does the pope ever come by?"
"...He's eighty-five. Do you really think he has it in him to travel through space? I'm assuming one of your sins is mocking the pope."
"...Yes, father."

This pope had a pretty intense Christmas message this year. Along with other things, he said that, "Gay marriage was a threat to humanity and world peace." Not only is this over the top, this is also a very long Christmas message. 'Merry Christmas'. 'Happy Holidays'. Those are my ideas of Christmas messages. You're supposed to say the pope's message to a cashier after you buy something?
"Here's your change, sir. Have a good day."
"Thank you. Gays are a threat to humanity and world peace!"
"...I'm really happy you are on your way out."
A message to the world at Christmas time shouldn't be something that is in a hate group's manifesto. Maybe one day they'll change their minds about gay people the same way they changed their minds about condoms and purgatory.
"You know what? I now think gay people are good. To show them I mean it, I'm going to bedazzle this hat even more!"

The pope doesn't like gay people but dresses as if he does. Has he ever noticed the gaudy things that he wears? Not that gay people would wear any of it, but I mean – straight men for sure wouldn't either.
"I couldn't find my jersey for the game tonight, so I just wrote 'Go Devils' on this sheet."
"...Are you going to wear the jeweled scarf too? And the tall embroidered hat?"
"Yeah! Doesn't it bring the whole outfit together? Weird question, but can you put my shoes on for me? I can't see my feet in this thing."
How could he not like gay people but then wear things that look like he fell through a drag queen's thrift store? It seems the more outlandish you dress the more power you seem to have. The pope, Lady Gaga, Prince. Nobody wearing a plaid shirt is going to command the same amount of power.
"I believe that we should all worship the trees."
"Are you wearing a shirt that I could buy at H&M?"
"Yeah. So? What does that have to do wit..."
"Let's stop following this guy!"

The pope shouldn't be thought of as holy. He didn't fall out of the sky. He's just a regular man who was put in that position. If the next pope falls out of the sky, THAT guy should be revered.
"Hey, guys. I'm here."
"Whoa! Did you just fall from the sky?!"
<ZAP>
"Anybody else want to be vaporized for asking stupid questions?"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Why do opinions/thoughts/words hurt so much?

Right now on this planet, everyones opinions are easily heard, and we seem to be the most sensitive we've ever been about bad opinions. We have the most technology we've ever had to hear everyone's opinions, and when someone says something we don't like, which is bound to happen, we jump on it. Most of the opinions we don't like come from people who would clearly have them, but we get upset regardless. With all of this technology, why do we think that every opinion we hear would work with us? Do we actually expect all opinions to be good? Nice? Or to follow what our beliefs are?
"Now that I am able to hear easily what everyone is thinking, I'm sure it will be a peaceful experience that follows my belief system. Whoa! What the hell is this? This guy doesn't like pro-wrestling? Is he a complete piece of trash!? I cannot believe how angry I am!"

Opinions have a ridiculous effect on people. Huge. Critics who said they didn't like The Dark Knight Rises had death threats sent their way. Death threats! For saying that a movie wasn't very good – death threats! I didn't like it. Send me a death threat. Bane's story was completely stolen from him, Catwoman didn't have a story, and Robin's first name is not Robin! It's an alias. Bruce Wayne's full name is not 'Batman Bruce Wayne'.
"Oh, hey Bruce. You should go by your first name, Batman."
"You're right. I should. Could you shut up about that for right now, though? Just give me my prescription and I'll leave."
These critics, whose job it is to critique, can't have an opinion on a movie they are supposed to critique? What is wrong with the planet? 
Every opinion has to align with how you feel?
"But... but... I LOVED this movie. How can this be? Someone who doesn't live inside my body, has lived a different life and has different feelings towards things, how can they not feel the same way I do about such a film? I... I just don't... get it. He should die!"

One topic that has come up a lot in the last few years is women being funny. First of all, just to say, I find PEOPLE funny. I find some PEOPLE not funny. Men and women. My thought is, why can't someone think that women aren't funny? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny and people lost their minds.
"Women are funny! There are lists right here! Look! This is a list of funny females! Are you stupid? Can you not read? LOOK AT THE LIST!"
So this man doesn't find women funny. Why do people care what he thinks? Why! And why is he not allowed to have an opinion? Does everyone have to find women funny? Magically, some men just don't like women. Probably men who would partake in something called "The Man Show", where the end credits ran while women in bikinis jumped on a trampoline, and there were segments where a man wore a suit that shot beer out of a penis onto women. Everyone on that kind of show thinks women are equal and therefore could be funny? Really? Do you think every man in the KKK finds Eddie Griffin hilarious?
"I don't care what nobody says, Eddie Griffin is just not funny. I've given him a chance, the old cyclops chance, but I just don't like him. Why? No, it is not because I don't believe black people are equal to me. It's because I just don't think he has actual jokes, and he relies too much on act outs... Naw, I'm kidding! It's cause he's black!"
I wasn't an Adam Carolla fan before he said this, and I'm not after, but I think he's allowed to have an opinion.

Daniel Tosh came under fire for joking about rape. A woman yelled to joke about rape, another woman said, "No, rape is never funny." Tosh said, "Wouldn't it be funny if five guys came in right now and raped her?" Now, when you read that, it is crazy harsh. It's weird to type. In the moment in the comedy club, it is different. Obviously for the woman who was offended, it was not and she left the room, which she is entitled to do. I believe, though, that a high percentage of comedians would have said something completely similar. It's not a joke about rape, it is an offhand comment made about a huge issue to try to get laughs and straighten out what has just been said. Funny? That is an individual thing. Should he be allowed to joke about it? Yes. Should the whole world blow up at a man because, in his opinion, making that joke is all right? I think it's a bit much. People lost it.
"He should lose his show! He should be broke! He shouldn't have fans!"
People were angrier with him joking about rape than they get about actual rapists. That seems to be a bit of a problem. An actual rapist who rapes could get six years. Joke about rape, lose your show. Rape someone and potentially destroy his or her entire life, get six years in jail where you can go to school for free and then be let back into society. JOKE about rape and you might lose your show, fan base, and the world hates you. Does this make sense to anyone?

There are cases of rape all the time. It is disgusting. Why, though, if we are going to completely tear a man apart for joking about it, are we not continuously screaming about the actual offenders? It should be a trending topic everyday.
"Yep, rape is still trending. We should really figure this out. I mean, why are all of these happening? Wait! What is this? A comedian who tells jokes at a comedy club, which is a club designed for jokes and comedy about any topic on the planet, jokes about rape at a comedy club that is designed for jokes by people performing the comedic arts in the exact place they are supposed to be jokes about rape?! I couldn't be any angrier with this! This man has just raped my brain with his complete lack of decency! How could he?!"

The man in North Carolina who said that gay men should be put inside a fence until they die. He uttered this completely ridiculous opinion to the world. Was that a shock to anyone? A religious nut from the south doesn't like gay people?
"Wait just a minute! I know he doesn't think women are equals, or that sex before marriage means you're going to hell, or that masturbating is a sin and you'll burn in hell for all eternity for saying the Lord's name in vein. All of that I'm fine with. But this completely level-headed man thinks gay people should live in a cage!? Well, this is just shocking! I am taken aback, flabbergasted, and any of the other verbs to describe this feeling of breathlessness. Yes! I'm also breathless!"
It's the job of a lunatic southern preacher to hate. It's on the application!
"Do I swear that I will be intolerant, ignorant, and offensive with my thoughts to people outside of my church? I'm checking yes twice!"
Being mad at a ludicrous southern preacher for being ignorant is the same as being mad at Ray Allen for shooting threes.
"What the hell is he doing? Hitting threes like that?! Come on! No! Kick the ball, Ray! KICK IT!"

People have also lost their minds over the opinions of the President of Chik-fil-A. Does it matter what the president of a fast food company says? Seriously. A fast food company! He's not in power. He doesn't sit in UN meetings making decisions. He sells gross chicken to sad people. Does a man who has had to fire someone because they didn't wear a hairnet really have enough power to stir world issues?
"Sir, you put chicken on a bun and sell it to people in sweatpants. What are your thoughts on Syria?"
"Syria? Well, I think it's a horrible disease."
"Whoa! This Chik-fil-A chicken-biscuit-selling-man doesn't know that Syria is a place! How do you even work the fryers here, stupid? What is your problem? And why do I ask you such questions anyway?"
We're taking what he says seriously?
"I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine what marriage is about'."
This is one of the things he said. First of all, once you bring God into an argument, everything you say after that should be considered null and void. Personally, I love listening to someone's views when they start it with: 'This is how God feels'. What's funny is, if he had used any other fictional character, let's say a dragon, people would just think he's crazy.
"I think we are inviting The Dragon's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at said Dragon and say, 'We know better than you, Dragon, as to what constitutes marriage, and I pray the Dragon's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant, and non-dragoness attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine the thoughts of marriage the Dragon has given us'."

The president of the company also donates lots of money to anti-gay groups. Groups that try to perpetuate lies that being gay makes people pedophiles and things like that. This is awful, but again, this could only work with far-gone religious people. You couldn't put up a sign in Times Square and have regular people who want good for the world believe it.
"That was a great trip into the M&M store! I can't believe they have the yellow one in a disco suit. Oh, man. That is great. Time to hit th.... whoa! What is this! A flyer. Hmm, pretty official already. And it says that gay people are learning how to grow wings out of their backs and steal kids! My dear sweet ice tea! Until this 'government issue yellow piece of loose leaf taped to a light post with words written on it in marker' flyer, I had no idea the gays were up to this. Now? My eyes are open! Thanks for handwriting this message of truth, hero!"

Also, and this is just a random thought, but do gay people even want to eat at Chik-fil-A? I mean as a whole? It seems like the perfect place for overweight religious nuts. They don't seem to be going to the opera. Is that a place that the gay community would like to call its own?
"Okay, we have theatres, stage shows, night life, fun times, reading, good music and dressing well in our repertoire, but I feel we are missing something."
"What about greasy chicken in a bun, really gross fries to go with it, and also an atmosphere that you would never want to hang out in for more than five minutes due to the fact that it could bring you down for three straight months?"
"Are you talking Chik-fil-A!? I was going to bring that up myself! Then it's settled. Chik-fil-A is in. Tonight on my way to the opera, I'm getting a chicken sandwich. I'll feel terrible in my seat for three hours while watching art. Bravo, meeting!"

Am I wrong to say that gay people and religious nuts seem to need each other like Batman needs Joker? The two seem to work off of each other. Religious nuts need the gay population to be able to push the views of a ridiculous/scary book. Gay people seem propelled by religious nuts telling them they are wrong to become stronger. Without each other, both parties seem to have nothing to fight for.
"Today, we're gay and we want respect-ay!"
"...You have it. Religious nuts decided that their God was wrong and that people should be able to do whatever it is that they want."
"...Oh. Um, okay. Well, can we still defiantly march down this street naked blaring music? I mean, we're already here."
"Of course! Go for it! Turn it up as loud as you want and get as naked as you can!"
"...Hmph. Guys, I don't know about you, but I just don't feel like fighting now that we don't have to."
"Yeah, me neither. So... do we just return the floats?"
"I'm just going home. I... I'm just speechless."

Any group that is going to fight needs someone to fight against. The gay pride parades are amazing things to see. People strongly showcasing themselves to the world with fervor. Why is that? Because there are people on this planet who don't think they should be allowed. So what do they do? Stick it to them! And it's great! Ever see a Shriners parade? Is it an over-the-top thrill ride? No. It's awful. Why? Because nobody hates the Shriners, so they are not putting on a parade in spite of anyone.
"I just don't agree with their lifestyle. Strange purple hats with tassels. Old as hell. Driving carts. I mean, they just rub me the wrong way! Do they have to do their Shrinery garbage in public? Down with creepy old men in polyester asking for change! DOWN WITH THEM!"

There was a point in time where you could have an opinion and it didn't matter if it went with everyone else's. In the old days, if you had an opinion that the general population didn't agree with, you wandered the earth alone until you died, or lived in the woods next to a riverbank. You weren't put on the front page of a newspaper.
"Extra, extra, read all about it. Man says he believes all children aged six and up should be forced to get full time jobs!"
"Well, I never! That is disgusting! Instead of ignoring this lunacy, I will spend hours reading about it, working myself into a frenzy with friends, and basically putting my life on a standstill."

Words can hurt, but with words so accessible, we should try not to let them hurt as much as they do.


Twitter @nathanmacintosh
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