People that should be paid more money.

There are a lot of people out here making a lot of money. Bankers, rappers, Donald Trump. Does everyone who is making a ton of money deserve to be? I think there can be a case made. But, are there people out here not making enough money for what it is they do? Damn right, and here is a short list of them.

1. Pilots.
Man, come on. Pilots? Pilots need more money. Every single time they land, they are saving your life. Every time they take a plane from the air, not throw it into a tail spin that leads to a fiery crash over the woods of Kentucky, land that plane with a couple hundred people on it? Saving lives. These people, sometimes, sometimes not, are making about a hundred grand a year. A hundred grand. A year. To save lives every day. Now, some will say, 'How is landing saving lives? It's them doing their jobs.' Sure, one way to look at it. If someone in a restaurant makes you a great burger, that is them doing their job. If they forget to put pickles on it, you are not in a tube that is about to explode on impact. You see what I'm saying? Pay these damn people more.

"A hundred and forty hours in two weeks... two thousand dollars. Do I fly a chain restaurant?"

2. Truck Drivers.
Wooooaaaaaaa, truck drivers. Truck drivers have had jokes made about them for years. People say they are stupid, useless, fat, ugly, that they kill hookers. Haven't heard those things? Well, you would if you came to my house! Boom! Kidding. We can agree though that they are not looked upon as high level humans. BUT, without truck drivers, we pretty much wouldn't have nothing! Where does produce in the stores come from? How does your iPad make it to your nearest Apple mirrored funhouse? A fat, hooker killing truck driver drove it in. Okay, no more jokes about them being awful. They are great. They bring us everything we need. And how much do they make for this? Not too much. Around fifty grand a year. Fifty grand a year, to bring us things we can't live without! AND, they have to drive hours and hours, not sleep enough, not enough good food on the road, AND they don't get paid well, AND we don't respect them. Absolutely insane. More money to these people.

"My truck is full of food I have to deliver, but I can't afford anything on this menu. That's it. The Texarcana 'Shop And Save is going to be missing some oranges."

3. Cops.
Yes, all rappers hate them. Rappers hate them, which makes kids and white people in their 20's who refuse to mature at all hate them as well.
"Yo, fuck the cops."
"Why? You're a white guy from a suburb. They hurt you in any way?"
"Yeah. One time I was drinking in the woods underage and they took my Colt 45. Fuck these damn cops."
Cops are very necessary. There are for sure some bad cops. But that shouldn't make us hate them all. When we hear about serial killers, or baby eaters, or rapists, who goes after these people? You? A person who likes snap back hats and rolled cuffs on their jeans? You gonna hunt down the baby eating rapists? You gonna throw on one of the capes that Cam'ron made and hit the streets? Doubt it. Cops do. Cops in NY start at about thirty grand a year. After years, they can make around ninety grand a year. Ninety grand a year. To get shot at, stop a guy from cutting his wife's head off, be the first into a house where a child was just ripped in half, AND have everyone hate them. Cops need more money, man.

"Jesus! Yesterday a meth head with a knife, today a boa constrictor? And I can't afford to take the kids to Florida. What the hell?!"

4. McDonald's Employees working night shift.
How in the HELL do people who work at McDonalds from seven am to four pm make as much money as these heros who work from ten pm to five am? HOW? One has a busy shift, and the other has a busy shift while basically being on fire. Saying day shift should make as much as night shift is like saying whoever made the website for the marines should be paid as much as a goddamn marine who goes to war. We ever hear of danger pay? That's what the night shift McDoanlds people should get. Ninety percent of their shift is dealing with people who are too drunk to be anywhere else.
"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You're too drunk for this place. "
"Whatever. I'm not too drunk for McDonald's. I'll go over there and fight someone for a McFlurry."
McDonald's fight videos are almost always at night. People getting dragged out of the drive thru, getting swung at our a cash register, having people drive through the front window. And THEY don't make more money? Come on! A guy coming in at eleven am might fight you, but a guy coming in at two am tweaking on vodka and female rejection? He might bite you. You should be paid more for that.

"You make HOW much? Ohhhh, man. You need to get paid more for the pain I'm about to cause you."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Cross Promotion in movies. Needed?

It's been happening for years. McDonald’s had cups from every Batman movie when I was growing up. The only way that Jurassic Park could have been more places at the time is if they were buying up ad space inside of people.

"Oh no! Your kid just fell! Wait, is her knee bleeding a Jurassic Park poster?"

"Yeah. Fifty thousand dollars and all they did was fill her leg full of some sort of ink. When she bleeds, it tells you when the movie comes out and who stars in it. Pretty insane really. Don't cry, sweetie! Just walk near the bus stop so people can read your leg!"

I get why it happens. I do. Companies want to piggyback off a huge movie to get more money. Cool. Makes sense. But, my question is, how do they make money? Are there really people (and by asking this question I'm sure that the answer is yes) that will see a 'Cheez Its' poster featuring their favourite character and buy them because of it?

"I'd love to buy you, Ritz, I really would. But it's just YOU that are telling me to buy you. Get Aquaman to co-sign, and you'll be in my cart for sure."

Most cross promotions are characters selling things to kids. A kid will see Green Lantern drinking Kool-Aid, and yell at their parents to buy it. As of late though, it's movies with characters promoting adult products. Not like 'adult' adult products, just things that only adults are in the market for. Commercials showing Superman spliced with H&R Block.

"Superman can leap over tall buildings. He can run faster than a locomotive. But even he has a problem crossing his t's and dotting his i's. That's why he hires the professionals. H&R Block. We know taxes are your kryptonite. Let us take care of them so you can enjoy your Fortress Of Solitude."

What is this for? People HAVE to do taxes. You have to do them! It doesn't matter if a character brings them to you or not. You can't just not do them because a super hero doesn't tell you about them. Is that what happened with Wesley Snipes?

"Mr. Snipes. You are charged with tax evasion. How do you plead?"

"Bored, man. Bored. Taxes are so BORING. Just a guy in a suit on TV like 'Hey, you gotta do these'. Can't you get Cyclops or The Tick to tell me about them?"

"... Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. When you are not dressed as Blade, I find you boring as well. I get your point. Only characters telling us about things from here on out! You're free to go!"

There was a Superman commercial where Superman flew into the sky, and then, superimposed over him, 'Dodge Ram' comes into focus. What adult needs this?

"Hmmm. I don't know. I am for sure in the market for a Ram. I like the Hemi, I like all of the room in the back. But, how does Superman feel about this? I mean, I see that you have a giant inflatable ape that seems pretty excited about it, but I was never a fan of King Kong."

"I'm so glad you asked! Superman just LOVES the 2013 Dodge Ram. He was here the other day, test drove one, and was so impressed with it he flew into space, and turned back time so he could test drive it again!"

"... You wouldn't have just let him test drive it again?"

"He flew away before I had to tell him that of course he could just drive it a bit more. So, you want me to get the contract?"

Commercials for Gillette asking us how Superman shaves. Who cares how Superman shaves? Also, do we want and need to feel that Superman is apart of our actual world? Not that he's living in a made up land called Metropolis, but that we could see him riding the 1 train late for work?

"Superman! What are you doing here?"

"The roads are blocked because of the New York City marathon. I have the same problems as you."

"No you don't! You can just fly above it!"

"... Normally, yes. But I have ten dollars left on this MetroCard, and I don't want it to go to waste. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to pretend that that homeless man doesn't have his pants down... Just... like... you."

It's not just movies, obviously. Commercials showing celebrities tell us about a bank that's great are also infuriating. Jerry Stiller describing the difference between a chequing and a savings account. You loved a show he was in, why not put your money where he tells you too?

"Hey, Jerry. You were great as Mr. Constanza. Ever think of doing your banking with us?"

"... You want to bank with me? YOU GOT IT!"

There was a commercial during Iron Man 3, showing Iron Man was hurt. He's lying on the ground, his helmet comes off, and the next scene, they cut to the Bravocado sandwich from Subway. Iron Mans suit is powered by a six inch sub? I'm sure would have helped him to know at different points in his life.

"Iron Man! We need you!"

"I'm sorry. My suit is out of power. I'm gonna be a min..."

"Oh, no! What do you need to power it? Plutonium?"

"No. I just have to stop by a Subway and get an artist to make me a 6 inch Turkey Bacon sub on Italian Herb and cheese."

"... With tomato?"

"Of course! That's what puts the red in the suit."

Cross promotion should only be done on movies that know one knows about. A movie with a character that we don't all know of. There's no real reason for Captain America to be using Tide. There just isn't.

"I can't get the bullet scratches out of this suit. I've tried everything!"

"Everything? Have you tried Tides new 'Scratches, dents, and bullets detergent'? I washed a tank with it yesterday, when I was done it looked like a Mini Cooper!"

"Well by god. I thought I was going to have to get a new suit and shield! But I can just buy this for $4.99 and wash the dents right out! Thanks, Tide. If Red Skull ever attacks your office, I'll be there."

Cross promotion with movies is really only done with super hero movies, and other movies that are not going to win awards. There's not a lot of Oscar worthy movies that have this kind of promotion.

"We know Lincoln freed the slaves, but what did he do for back pain? Icy/Hot. Goes on icy to dull the pain, then turns hot to sooth it away. See Lincoln in theatres this Friday, and see why he said that 'The best thing about back pain is that Icy/Hot takes it away one day at a time."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The world is overpopulated?

Over the last couple of years, I've been in conversations with people about the earth's overpopulation. Apparently, there are too many of us. Yep, that's right. Some of us just should not, or are not supposed to be here. Were YOU the one to tip the scale? The kid you had?

"And today's top story, the Hermans had a little baby boy today. Why is this a top story? Well, because newborn Chris Herman has pushed the earth's population into the unlivable. Oh, wait! This just in, an old woman was beaten to death for her change purse on a Wisconsin interstate. We are back to a livable number."

Why just people? There are a lot of dogs. Maybe there are too many dogs. Do you have a dog? Maybe it's time to throw that dog into the street and get the numbers down.

"You've always been good to me, Sparkles, but there's just too many of you. I'll try to make sure you land on a car when I throw you off the balcony."

"Arrrfffff!"

Are there really too many people on the planet? I think it's an excuse.

People use the overpopulation argument as an excuse to not have kids. I've heard people say they're not having kids because there are too many people on earth. Wow. You're taking that upon yourself, Captain Planet? Were you planning on having as many kids as there are residents of Cleveland? No? Then not having one kid probably isn't going to help very much.

"So that future generations don't have to stand on each other, I'm not going to have kids."

"That's great! We could use four hundred thousand less people on the planet."

"Four hundred thousand? What am I, a roach? I was talking about not having one."

"One? You think not having one kid is going to help anything? Listen, man, have the kid. Have three. Hey, Hal! You hear this guy? One kid. One! Hurt the earth more to throw a plastic six-pack holder on the ground. One! Oh, man. That's rich."

"I don't want to have kids because the earth doesn't need anymore." 

Get over yourself. Are you serious? You're doing that for the earth? Just say you don't want kids! You're allowed to think that! Overpopulation seems to be the new 'not ready' for kids.

"Honey, I want to have a baby. We've been together for awhile and I think we're old and mature enough."

"I thought this would come up. Aggghhhh, look. I was in the mall today and there were people everywhere! I'm talking wall-to-wall, 'I-wasn't-alone-in-any-store' people! I just don't think this world needs another face eating at Baskin Robbins."

"So you're saying you can't have a kid because there is no space in the mall?"

"I couldn't even get to the khakis! You know how much I like khakis. I had to just stare at them through people's arms. I just think until it cools down a little bit out there, we should chill."

People say that they don't want to have kids because there's not enough space on the planet. Is it just people taking up all this space? Why not stop Starbucks? There are a lot of those around. They're taking up a lot of space, and you can't even have conversations with them.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a good job, my girl's cool. I just can't get happy. Do you know what I mean, 'building on the corner of Main and Church'?"

"..........."

"Yeah. I don't have any answers either. Hey, have you seen Breaking Bad?"

"..........."

"You are a tough nut to crack, building."

People really don't think there's enough space on the planet?

"Where is everyone gonna go? There are people everywhere. Everywhere! I can't walk down aisle two when I want! I can't even open my car doors. I have to live in my car!"

Where's everyone gonna go? I don't know. Most of Canada? Middle America? There's open space everywhere! I'm sure there is some space in Iceland we could move some people to. Greenland. Newfoundland. Any of the places that end in 'land'. Any place where hunting is a recreational activity, there is space.

"You know, I just went hunting and I didn't see one person. Just a bunch of trees. Offer a tree a beer, see what happens. Rude ass tree just looks at you."

You can actually say there's no space? Have you gone everywhere? You've been all over the world and done censuses? Or did you just go to a crowded area, someone bumped into you and you decided that some people deserve to die?

"Man, I can't believe it. That guy bumped into me and spilled my Jamba Juice all over my shirt. There are too many people on this planet. That guy should be set on fire!"

Just because you saw a lot of people in a McDonalds doesn't mean there isn't space on the planet for everyone. You live in a place where there are tons of people. That doesn't mean there's no space at all.

Overpopulation has apparently also given rise to adoption. People say that they don't want to have kids because there are kids who need to be adopted.

"There are tons of kids out there. Do I REALLY need to have my own? Some mother had one, tossed it in a dumpster. One mother's trash is another mother's high school graduate. I'll just dust this one off and raise it."

"Really? It has a beef jerky wrapper stuck to it."

"I said I'll dust it off."

Sure, there are kids out there who need to be raised. That's good of you to do it. But if you're gonna do it, just do it! There's no need for the reason, definitely if the reason is overpopulation.

If overpopulation is even a legitimate argument, then we should find a way to make kids that isn't so fun. Right now? The activity is amazing. Sex is great. Maybe just change the name from sex. That might get people to calm down on wanting to do it.

"Yo, you see that girl over there, man?"

"Yeah. She's hot."

"I wanna 'maybe make a baby' with her tonight'."

"...Are you sure?"

"...Yeah, you're right. Let's just go get some sex."

"Waffles?"

"Waffles."

The overpopulation argument suggests that we should start thinning people out. That we have to control this. Really? We're just gonna decide who stays and who goes? Who's able to have kids and who isn't? Where do we start, bud? What's the application like to be on of the 'people who are not blown away just for being born' list?

"Here is your application."

"Hmmm. Question one. Have you ever liked a tweet, but didn't retweet it just because you were angry about how good it was? Well, sure. Once or twice."

"You have failed. We do not want your kind here. Please throw yourself off of that cliff."

Here's a quick way to see if you would be on the list if we started thinning people out. If you've talked about overpopulation at a bar, you are NOT on the list. You are not on the ship. Neither am I. If thinning people out is because of overpopulation is an actual conversation being had, it's taking place between billionaires behind move away bookshelves. Not over Pabst Blue Ribbon on patio furniture.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh