Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Tag: Working

Hard To Become Rich

Anyone who plays the lottery while working a sixty hour work week knows that it is hard to become rich. HARD. You don't get to keep all of your money, you don't even get to SEE all of the money. You see how much has been taken from you every two weeks, and you probably won't get that money back. 

Very rich people are rich. The rest of us believe we can get there if we just work hard enough. If we pound ourselves in the face for hours of hard work, we too can buy a tiger to throw off a cliff or whatever rich people do for fun. This doesn't seem to be true.

For one, if you are working a job, there is only so much you are allowed to work. Legally. If you are paid a certain amount for a forty hour a week job, and you say, 'Hey, I'll never get rich on this amount. I need to work more.' The company, legally, can not have you do that. Sure, you can work SOME overtime hours, but you can't just ask for the ol' 75 hour a week work shift to propel yourself to tiger throwing status. You LEGALLY, are not allowed to work enough to get to that point.

Another great thing is, if you work a job that DOES allow you to start shopping for Bengals, the government taxes you at such a high rate that there's no WAY you can pay for that tiger to be thrown off a cliff. You make a lot of money, and you think 'Great! I can FINALLY put a big cat in a sling and shoot it into the Grand Canyon!, and the government says, 'Hold on their, cat thrower. WE throw cats around you. YOU keep working and believing you'll one day be here too.' So you start making a lot of money, believing that you'll be one of those people, and the government taxes you an insane amount, making sure you NEVER get up to where they are.

The only people who TRULY have the money to toss a jungle cat into a hole, are some of the families who invented colours, the rail road, oil, Wal - Mart, that type of thing. They were able to make these insane amounts of money years and years ago, and with that money, make the rules on money. We're able to make it so there are a million loop holes for their millions. If they donate ten million a year or whatever to some said organization, like the 'International Cat Hurlers Union', or CHU, they will be GIVEN THAT MONEY BACK at the end of the year. It comes back to them. 

ALSO, because they have so much money, they can keep some here, BUT SEND THE REST TO A COUNTRY WITH DIFFERENT TAX LAWS AND NOT PAY TAX ON IT. So instead of grossing ten billion and netting six, they'll just gross the whole ten. There are a TON of cats you can buy with ten billion dollars. Pretty much all of them. You can PRETTY much buy every single cat in the jungle. Every cat from every home. You can round them al up in a big sack, pay the worlds strongest man to swing that sack around his head, and then throw it into a pit of death. 

You CAN buy stocks. You CAN invest. Sure. You can buy stocks that will go up and down, and this is really the way that most rich people become rich. Investing. You control how much money you put where. But what you CAN’T CONTROL, is what those stocks will do.

‘Yesterday my stocks were up! What the hell happened!’

Many things! Weather. Company selling. A President SAYING SOMETHING can affect the price of things. And NOW where are you? You are NOT, and I repeat NOT throwing Panthers into a Gucci bag and tossing them from a G5 I’ll tell you that. Now you’re stocks crash and what are you doing? You are living in an alley with a tabby that will NOT FORGET that you wanted to buy it’s bigger cousins and suck them through a window. It’s a strange, strange life, and it is hard to become rich in it.

 

How I Brought Down FutureShop.

Today, FutureShop, Canada's Best Buy which was bought by Best Buy in 2001, closed it's doors to either disappear into the night or, become Best Buy. I worked at FutureShop for about four months when I was 18. Honestly, I really wanted to work at this place. I thought at the time that it would be so cool to work around TV's and video games and such. It was for awhile, and then I started to single handedly bring the company down. How did I do this? Here's a list. 

Executive Lunches

Ah, the executive lunch. Took a whole hell of a lot of these. What is an executive lunch? It's what me and a few people working at FutureShop assumed the CEO's and such of the company were taking. Two, two and a half hour lunches. just brazen lunches in the middle of the day. There's was one guy specifically who always wanted to take these. We'd see each other at around 11am, walking the floor. One of us would always drop it.

"Executive?"

"Oh, buddy. I need an executive today. This place is kicking my ass."

We'd go for lunch at Pizza Delight across the street for their lunch buffet. That thing ran from noon to two. We'd crush the whole thing, then get dessert. Our lunches were supposed to be a half hour. If we took a peasant lunch, we'd get to pizza delight, order, and have to walk back across a highway and parking lot eating pizza like stupids. The executive allowed us to REALLY stretch out. 

I'm assuming the executive lunches cost the couple around ten grand. We took in enough lunches in four months that if broken down in half hours would last a year. 

Calling a guy named Dwayne 'Dwaaaaaaayyyynnnneee!' like Garth from Waynes World

I worked in the Home Theatre department with a guy named Dwayne. I would always say, "Dwaaaaaaayyyynne!" like Garth Algar. 

"Don't say my name like that."

"Okay.... Dwaaaayyyyynnnnneee!"

He really didn't like this, and it really made me laugh. Doing this on a daily basis probably cost the company at least ten bucks. Not exactly sure how, but it had to. 

Showing up late, leaving early

After awhile, I wasn't a fan of this place. I wasn't really into selling TV's and the full manager told me a couple times that I was an idiot. I was also 18, and didn't care at all about making a bunch of money. So, I started coming in late. Like, an hour here, two here. If I had an eight hour shift, sometimes I might actually be in the building for three hours then leave. One day I came in late, found out a TV that I sold the day before had been returned. You could check your numbers, and because of that TV return, I actually owed the company $2.36. OWED them money. I went home. Played Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. I was called once when doing this.

"Nathan, where are you?"

"Uhhh, I'm in the back. What's up?"

"Oh. Do you know where this thing is?"

And that was that. I hung up, and went back to Grand Theft Auto. Showing up late and leaving early probably cost the company seventy thousand dollars. These are all just projections. The same ones that they placed on us. 

Costing The Company Twenty Five Grand

I was at work one day, and the assistant manager came up to me. 

"Nathan, can I talk to you? Your numbers are down. You are supposed to have thirty thousand dollars worth of sales by this time in the month. You have five. That means you've cost the company twenty five thousand dollars. What are you going to do about it?"

I didn't really have an answer. I think I told her I would try harder? She told me to make TV stands. Instead of walking the floor, talking to the hero's that would come through, I sat in the home theatre department banging a hammer into some wood. 

Costing the company twenty five grand probably cost the company twenty five grand. 

Not selling big enough TV's

As I stated, I wasn't the best at selling TV's. Why? Honestly, I didn't really want to. I liked talking to people, so that's what I would do. 

"Hey, how are you?"

"Just looking."

"I'm just asking. What's up?"

Then we might talk about movies or whatever. I would tell people what they wanted to know about TV's, but I didn't want to pull the grease of pretending I cared, then talking them into the service plan, which was the only way I could really make money. One day someone came in, and asked how much the TV's on the wall cost. The TV's that were always on. The ones that were placed there the day the store opened and only shut off at night.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. How much?"

So, I go in the back where the manager was. He is back there, throwing a whistle Nerf ball back and forth with another manager. 

"Why do you want to know how much those cost? You're seriously selling that? Wow. What do you bring to this company, Nathan?"

(Whistle From The Nerf Ball)

Once he was done making a SWEET catch over a trash can, he, with his wisdom and expertise and everything else he brought to the company, told me the TV would be fifty bucks. I go back out and tell the customer, who says they'll take it. So I have to get a ladder, climb the top, unplug and dust off a tube TV that was on for at least five years straight, and struggle to bring it back down. Get it on the floor, and this criminal asks me something I'll never forget.

"Do you have the box for it?"

"Buddy, for fuck sake, of course not. I almost died getting this. Please just die." What I wanted to say. But didn't. I went and made this animal a box.

Getting this TV down, making a box and bothering the Nerf throwing Czar with a question probably cost the company a million dollars. THIS was the big one.

Obeying managers 'Don't Give Deals' slogans.

Managers always told us not to give deals to people. At first I thought this would never come up. But EVERYday. EVERY single day, people would come in and want deals. A lot of times over stupid thing.

"I'm buying this pack of gum. What can you do for me on this TV?"

I would tell people that we couldn't give deals. Wasn't allowed to happen. People would ask for my manager. I'd go cool, they're going to say the same thing I just said. I'd get my manager, and they would come over. 

"How can I help you, sir?"

"I'm buying this pack of Trident. I want a deal on this two thousand dollar TV."

"Hmmm. Tell you what. You buy two packs of gum, I'll give you the TV."

"Deal!"

So, in getting the manager to do something they told me not to do, I cost the company here at least a couple bucks. 

Raising My Arms Like A Winner Each Day I Was On The 'Lowest Sales' List

Every day that we would come in, the manager would read out who had the most sales the day before and who had the least. Every day, I was on the list of the least. 

"Okay, and again, for the LEAST amount of sales, is Nathan. Way to go, Nathan. Way to help the company."

I would raise my arms like I'd won the Intercontinental Title. Doing this made it look awesome to make the lowest sales list, so I'm sure some others did it. This would have cost the company hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

My Last Day

My last day at FutureShop was on New Years Eve. I was a seasonal worker, and at the end of this day they were going to let us know if they were keeping us on. I had been called an idiot, not that smart for a red head, I was always at the bottom of the sales list, and was executive lunch advocate. I wasn't going to be asked to stay on. I decided to take an executive walk out, and leave during the day. Before that, I was asking people what they wanted to pay for things. 

"Ah, man. I really want this DVD player. But it costs a bit much."

"How much you want to pay for it?"

"Eighty bucks?"

"Done."

"Really?! What about sixty?"

"Come on, man. Let's not get greedy."

I did that for a couple of hours, charged people what they wanted to pay for things. Then another guy and I decided to walk out and hit the casino. This day probably made the company money. Once I left, it might have been looking up except for today. Goodbye, old friend. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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