Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: Travel

6 Measurements Of How Close Thanksgiving and Christmas Are

In Canada, Thanksgiving is in October. Some Americans make fun of that.

'Thanksgiving in October? Oh man. When is your Christmas? 2017?! hahahaha!'

Make fun of the way Canada does Thanksgiving, but it happens a good two months before Christmas. In America? Not the same. Thanksgiving and Christmas are smashed together. Don't think Thanksgiving and Christmas are too close together? Here are some units of distant between the two. 

Four Weeks

There are four weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas in America. That's it. Four weeks. You have to give half of that time as notice to quit your job at Jamba Juice. If you gave double the notice, it would be Christmas. You give double notice on Thanksgiving? You are walking out of Jamba Juice with your last Kale/Eggnog smoothie on Saint Nicholas's big day. 

730 Hours

That is how many hours are in a month. 730 hours is the distant from Thanksgiving to Christmas. 730 hours after smashing turkey into your body, you are sitting on a floor opening presents under a tree that you smashed into your house. 730 hours after yelling at Aunt Bev to stop beaking about her embroidered sweater and pass the cranberries, you're yelling at Aunt Bev to put out her embroidered sweater that burst into flames because she dipped her arm into candle. Doesn't seem like enough time between the two. 

317 Viewings of The Dark Knight

Right after Thanksgiving, you think 'Screw it. I'm going to lay under a blanket with my bag in a tub of butter, and watch The Dark Knight until Christmas.' Well, you should know that you can only watch The Dark Knight 317 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas in America. 'What? But that's not enough time to REALLY get a deep buttering of my bag' you think to yourself. That's right. It isn't. You have to give more notice than this to move out of an apartment. You have to give 634 viewings of The Dark Knight notice to leave a building, but for some reason half of those viewings are fine distant between two super holidays. 

Two Maybe Three Gas Tank Fill Ups

Let's say you just use your car to cruise around your town. You're not hauling banana's across the country. You're not setting out on some sort of 'have to see Mount Rushmore AND Miami in the same day' adventure. You are just going to and from work, five days a week. You'll hit that gas station three times. In that time, two major holidays have happened. You hop in your car after Thanksgiving, drive around your village, the third time you hit that gas station, it's Christmas. Maybe two. You'll be at a pump, 'Jumping Christ! It's Christmas! I didn't get anybody anything. Hope they like gas station hot dogs and beef jerky. Thank you, Wawa! It's a Christmas miracle.'

13,904 Listens of RhineStone Cowboy

You can ONLY listen to Country Music Superstar's Glenn Campbell sing Rhinestone Cowboy 13,904 times between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's insane. Day after Thanksgiving, you lock your iPhone into Rhinestone Cowboy, gear that sucker up 13,904 times, and it's Christmas. Hey, you might love the song enough that the first listen is Christmas. But you'd be an idiot and wrong. It's 13,904 til Christmas. 

Really Long Arms

If you had SUPER long arms, you could reach from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Easy. I mean, you need REALLY long arms. Arms long enough to reach into the future and bring two days with some distance between them together, but, it COULD be done. Arms that break the space time continuum and reach towards a day in the future or past, depending on where you are at the time? POSSible between these two days. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Vacationing is hard.

I went to Orlando to visit a friend last week. It was the first vacation I had taken in five years. That means, in the last ten years, I've been on two vacations. I don't BELIEVE that's what regular human beings do. Regular people try to go on vacation once a year or something, right?

"Hey, it's February again. Let's get the hell out of here!"

"But we went away last February."

"... Yeah. That's what I said. Whatever. Stay here. I'm out. Peace, not vacationing loser!"

The last vacation I went on was to Jamaica. I had just taped a half hour special for Canadian television. I have to add the 'Canadian' part because people in America looking at this need the context. 

"He filmed a half hour special? Huh. I didn't know that. He's doing it! He must really be moving up the.... oh. In Canada. That's like filming a half hour special in Idaho FOR Idaho. I ALMOST texted him 'congrats'."

That had just been filmed, and I had worked really hard on it. For about four and a half years straight, everyday, doing shows. So I thought, with the money I made from it, which was Canadian millions, I'd go on a trip. That, and also my girlfriend was like, 'You know before you I used to go on vacations all the time. All the time! We're young! What the hell are we doing?!" 

So we went. Great time. Then, a year later, I moved to New York, and, same as Toronto, just did shows every night for years. A friend of mine has been working at Disney in Orlando for the last year. Kept asking me to come down and visit. Finally booked it, and went down. 

I say vacationing is hard for many reasons. One, it's almost impossible to get away from people. When you vacation, most times it's because you just want to chill. You spend time at work around people, getting to work around people, going to bars and such around tons of people. You just want to chill for a couple days away from go go go. The only people that really get to vacation that way are Richard Branson and other billionaires. They can fly to islands where they are COMPLETELY ALONE. If regular people go to an empty island, there's some sort of SARS outbreak.

"Come down to Aruba for 'Bird Flu Bonanza' Days! You'll have an entire villa to your self because every one on the island is fighting for their lives in the hospital! For just twelve dollars a night, you'll find out what it's like to vacation AND run your own hotel. Get your own towels, make your own food, check yourself in ALL while wearing a surgical mask! No lines at the bar. Nobody in the hot tub. Hell, you'll even have the airport to yourself! 'Bird Flu Bonanza' days. Come experience an apocalypse while you even out that tan.'

Billionaires can go to an empty island that is GORGEOUS, no SARS anywhere. If people did show up, they can deal with it. 

"Mr. Branson, a family of six just landed on the other end of the island."

"Well, have them murdered and fill this kiddie pool with their life blood. My children will bathe."

"...."

"Don't you give me that damn look, Benniford. Have. Them. MURDERED."

ANYwhere regular humans are going to go is packed. Even the plane on the way there. Just jammed.

"Ladies and gentleman, this flight is VERY full today. We do not have enough room for your luggage, so just throw it up front and we will have it incinerated for you. Also, if you could fuse your left and right leg together, we can squeeze one more cheese head with a neck pillow on board. Enjoy your trip to Have Fun Trying To Relax!"

Growing up, my mom REALLY wanted to take me and my Brother to Disneyland. Every time a commercial would come on for it, she'd say that if she won the lottery, the first thing she would do is take us there. Lottery was going to be the only way to do it. So, never went there as a kid. As an adult, with my friend working there, took the opportunity. Found out why lottery would be needed. It's expensive to take a family a lot of places, but definitely here. For a regular family, I'd guess it takes YEARS to save the money to take everyone to Disneyland. Just hours and hours of being kicked in the head at your job for five days of being cooked in the boiling sun while you wait an hour and a half for a minute and a half rollercoaster. 

"Weeeee! Weeee! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh.... Oh. Done. Huh. Well, that was cool."

"Cool? That was cool? I worked doubles for two years for you to go on this. It better be goddamn better than cool!"

As well as the expense of the parks, hotels in the area can be very expensive. If you want to stay at a Disney hotel, which I'm sure a lot of families want to to get a full Disney experience or whatever, some of these can be six hundred, seven hundred a night. A night. Just to have a place where your toothbrush and clothes won't be used by the homeless. I don't know much, but I do know that if I go on vacation and spend six hundred a night on a hotel, the hotel IS NOW the vacation. I'm not leaving that room. I'm using everything that's in there. Every towel, cup, drawer, blanket. I'll open and close the curtains for hours. I'll FINALLY read the bible. 

"Huh. Look at this. This Jesus guy was alright!"

Interesting to go to Disneyland. If Walt was alive today, he'd see almost the exact same amount of smiling kids and families as crying families going through a divorce right in front of Goofy. Trip is so stressful and expensive families are just breaking down.

"You know what? Fine. Take the kids! I don't care anymore! We're done!"

Then a father will walk away with Mickey ears bouncing on his head. One this trip I went on a gator tour that was sweet. Forty minutes outside of Orlando, on an airport, out with gators in gator country. This was great, but another reason that vacationing is hard is that a lot of people you meet on vacation try to fit where they're from into the weirdest things. People REALLY want you to know what town they're from.

"Hey everyone, look over there. Gator."

"Oh, gator! We don't have this kind of thing in Plastic Bag, North Dakota."

... Yeah, of course you don't. Most people don't. That's why were here. You think people that see gators all the time are on these tours? Or vacation around them? Just say where you're from if you have to. You don't have to jam it in.

"Ah, The Incredible Hulk rollercoaster. We don't have things like this in Touch Yourself, Illinois."

We know! There's one of these! It's here! That's it! Then you have a to have a conversation about it.

"Oh, you're from Dust Storm, Arkansas? Nice. Hear it's nice this time of... Ah, god! You and I both know I haven't heard of it. And you're gonna say, 'Of course you haven't', and laugh to yourself that no one knows about it. I get it!"

Vacationing is also hard because it's gonna take a couple days to REALLY decompress from your regular life. Day three you're really feeling it, and day six you're outta there. All vacations should be an extra couple of days. If you have a week, it should be ten days. First three, you're just put in a decompression chamber.

"Okay, so put your bathing suit on, and slide right into this dark tunnel. We'll wake you up and throw you on the beach. You'll have a full five days of chill time. Watch your frisbee. I'm gonna lock this up now."

I'm going to try to make sure it's not another five years before I take some time off. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

 

Don't lean your seat back on a plane or bus.

We get it, you deserve to be in first class. You're not supposed to be back here with these commoners. These peasants. You're a king! A queen! They must have made a mistake with your ticket.

“Economy class? No, no, no, no. That's not right. I mean, I know I BOOKED an economy class ticket, but that's not where I'm supposed to be. Look at me! I'm gorgeous! I have a leather jacket on! My hair is done! I'm reading a People Magazine! This can't be! Well, if I HAVE to sit back here, I'll ACT as if I'm in first class. Seat, like Fat Joe says, lean back!”

Look, we ALL wish we were up there. We all see the perks as we kick our bags through the section to the back of this tube. Your own armrest. Drinks the entire flight. Not having to put your knees in the seat pocket in front of you.

“Umm, this may sound strange, but I found knee caps in this pouch?”

“Hmmm. Must have been from the last person who flew in that seat. They did drag themselves out of here by their arms screaming and crying the whole way. Do you want me to throw them out so you can place yours there? Or do you want to hand me your knees and place them in the overhead bin?”

We ALL want more room, but guess what - in economy, we don't have it.We are in the back of this plane, smashed together like the luggage we are sitting above. And like that luggage underneath, for christ sake we have to work together on this flight. So DO NOT lean your seat back.

When you lean your seat back, you are saying to the person behind you, 'Hey, dirt bag, do I care that your legs already don't fit? Do I care at all that my chair is your table, and when I lean it back your bagel and coffee could pour into your lap? No. No I don't. So suck me, bud. Here comes that crotch coffee!'

To continue to be a good person on this planet, we all have to understand that we are all flying through the sky TOGETHER. Unless you own a plane or you're Richard Branson or a new music artist who thinks the money will never stop, you are flying with other people. And with that, we have to do what is good for everyone. You leaning your seat back helps you. It helps you and slowly kills the people behind you. If you're driving in a two door car in the front seat and someone has to get in the back, what would a human being do? The human being in the front seat would say, 'Hey person in the back seat, do you need some more room?' What would a horrible monster of a person do? Just jam their seat back, ask no questions, and ignore the screams of pain from the person in the back seat.

“What? Your legs are bleeding? Man, this song sure is great, huh? Woooooo!”

Leaning your seat back makes everyone have to lean their seat back. You give them no option. If you lean yours back and the person behind you doesn't, then they are going to be taking a bite of your seat.

“Would you like a complimentary snack, sir?”

“Nope. All good. I really have a hunk of this leather going right now. Hopefully this guy leans back farther so I can get a bite of his seat belt. Mmm hmmm, this seat is good. What year is this? '86?”

And in all seriousness, is leaning it back helping you in anyway? So you get another degree of arch in your back. Good. Comfortable now, huh? Just like your bed at home. Just like your favourite chair.

“I can't wait to get home and relax. I'm gonna lean my Lazy Boy back a sweet and sexy two centimetres. Upright is so uncomfortable. Scarily close to upright is where the real action is. THAT'S how you really relax. Right near the edge of upright.”

We want to lean our seats back because we can. It's part of the package. We paid for these seats and lord knows were not getting that much from it. I'm sure soon they'll even charge you to do that.

“Excuse me. Something seems to be wrong with my seat. It won't lean back.”

“Oh, you just have to insert your credit card here and then follow the prompts to...”

“Wait, my credit card?”

“Yes, sir. It's $3.99 to put your seat back. Next year we're going to be charging $5 for passengers to be allowed to put their feet on the floor.”

I get it. So, if you can't adhere to this rule, and have to lean your seat back, at LEAST look behind you first. Don't just lean it back without looking. Do you just throw yourself out of your drive way without glancing in the mirror?

“All right. The car is warmed up. I have GOT to get to the grocery store RIGHT NOW, so no need for the mirror. Just put this in reverse and punch it! ...All right. Only hit one dog. And it wasn't my fault because I didn't see it!”

There is a person behind you! Check to see what the hell they are doing before you just throw your head back. You could be crushing a laptop screen! You could be throwing eggs into their chest! You could be jamming eyeliner into their eye! It will not kill you to turn around. Even to ask. Bet nine times out of ten people will say that it's cool, even though it's taken up their space.

“Yo, you care if I put my seat back in your face, leaving you with only a couple of inches to breath and generally move, so that I can be slightly more comfortable and you can be infinitely less comfortable?'

“....Sure, no problem.”

twitter @nathanmacintosh

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