Places You CAN'T Dump A Dead Bear In New York City
Recently Presidential candidate and ‘BoFlex’ enthusiast RFK. Jr (man’s name is all letters), told a story about dumping the carcass of a bear in Central Park. Was he walking through Central Park when a bear jumped out at him and he had to put it in the Boston Crab until it’s back snapped? Did the bear owe the mob money and RFK. Jr was a hitman at the time? No. RFK was driving down a highway, a bear jumped out in front of another driver who hit it, and RFK pulled over, collected the bear so that he could skin it and take the meat (not sure if this actually happened but this is what he said he took the bear for) and then dumped the dead bear in Central Park. That’s right. Not even back on the highway from whence it came. A global landmark is where this body needed to go.
Why wouldn’t he call animal control? Why would he carry an animal corpse through Central Park shirtless while covered in baby oil? Surely there are OTHER places to dump an expired woodland creatures body after you take its fur. Well hold on, because if you think about it, what RFK. Jr has/had done here is pretty ingenious. There might be only ONE places you could throw Baloo in New York without being caught, and here are a few options that are NOT that.
TIMES SQUARE
So you’re tooling around in your Ford F-150, and out of nowhere a black bear decides to see if it really is built ‘Ford Tough’. Bam! Bears head blows right off, and now here you are, Waylon Jennings on the radio and a bear cadaver on your hood. Where do you dump it? Times Square? Seems like a good idea, you think, nobody’s gonna see this what with all the advertisements to look at… wrong. There are a LOT of people there, and they are NOT bears. Also all of the lights are on. Constantly. You’ll be caught in a second. Central Park absolutely beats dumping your new dead friend beside a guy dressed like Spider-Man. Head up town.
THE SUBWAY
Who’s going to notice a deceased brown bear on the A Train? There’s a guy selling pigeons, people putting on a dance show and a mother of three trying to figure out where the fourth one went. Nobody will notice this dead bear I accidentally killed at the Bronx zoo here! Wrong. People don’t pay attention to the ‘Showtime!’ people, the pigeon sellers, or care at all if someone lost their child, but riding beside a full dead bear? That’s going to raise some eyebrows. TAKING the A Train to Central Park to DUMP the dead bear will suprisingly NOT come off as suspicious, but just leaving it there?! No dice. Head to the park.
THE CYCLONE IN CONEY ISLAND
You’ve had a long day of following people on the highway hoping they hit a bear you can steal, and finally, someone does. You pull over, yell to the person in the other vehicle ‘stay in your car! That’s MY meat!’ as you run over and pick up this animal. Once you skin it and make a little hat, where do you put it? Well, you’ve always wanted to ride the rollercoaster in Coney Island, maybe this can be a two for one? Have a littler excitement and dump my dead friend. Nobody will suspect a thing if I leave him on the… wrong. People will notice. A LOT of people. First one? The carney working the ride. This isn’t his first rodeo when it comes to furless, meat pulled off of them dead animals. He’s been living on the land and cans of beans for years. Nothing gets passed him. Want to leave it on his ride? BAD idea, hombre. Get to Central and toss it in a bush.
So you see, RFK.Jr made the right decision. He dumped the bear in just about the ONE place where nobody would find him out for dumping it, until he one day for absolutely zero reason decided to tell people that he was the one who Jimmy Hoffa’d this Asiatic. Thank god New York keeps this parking/dead body dumping ground alive.