Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Tag: Millionaires

Things I'll still do when I'm a millionaire.

Millionaires really start living like people in weird bubbles pretty early on. Once you become a millionaire, seems to be some things you just stop doing that regular humans keep on keeping on with. When I become a millionaire, here's a list of things I'm still gonna do with my goddamn ass.

1. Walk my own dogs 

Yep. When I become a millionaire, I'm gonna walk the dog or dogs that I have myself.

'What? Why?! How the hell could you put your hands that have all that money on a leash? Or, even worse, a leash attached to a'

I truly don't understand having a dog and not walking it. That's one of the things that you do with a dog. That's one of the things that is done with this animal when you own one. They need walks. They get walks. They like going outside and smelling stuff. They like smelling that strange dogs butt. It's a big part of the lives of these domesticated pets. So, you're going to get one of these creatures, and NOT do with them one of the major things that they involve? Why don't you just have a TV that you hire people to come over and watch?

"I just bought this sweet ass, seventy five hundred inch TV! You know why? Because I'm a goddamn badass millionaire. I'm a millionaire, son! Now, where's the number of that service where I pay a struggling actor forty bucks to sit in front of this thing for an hour? Oh yeah, I'll just lean out my window and yell, because I'm a badass millionaire!"

If when I'm a millionaire I'm too busy for dogs, and everyone in my house is as well, there will be no dogs. But if I have a dog, I'll walk that mother. I will see my dog smell that butt. 

2. Raise my own kids  

Now, jesus christ. This one shouldn't even be a thought. You have kids. These kids need to be raised. So, you.. raise... them. YOU do. The person who made them. The piece of machinery that brought this damn kid into the world. YOU, stupid. YOU take this kid out. YOU feed this kid. You don't call a woman whose trying to stay in the country you live in and get her to come over and raise the damn thing. If you're gonna do this, she should be there for the conception.

"Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, just like that. Yeah, I'm about to, I'm aboouuuttt toooo... wait. Divina, are you going to be able to nanny for us from Monday to Friday, 8- 8? And hell, on Saturdays too?"

"... Yes. I can do that."

"Oh, boy. That's great! Because I'm about to put a FULL baby into my wife here. Oh, jesus, I'm gonna come! Ahh, ahhhh, AHHHHHH I'm never gonna be here to see this kid! ... Ah, ah god. Divina, you're really saving my life here. I can just come and come into this thing I married, and YOU deal with what this thing makes with that come! Ah, man. What a life.... Drinks, anyone?"

When I'm a millionaire, I'll raise my own kids. If I can't, and my wife is not able to as well, and the only option is to hire someone completely unrelated to this situation to raise them, I'm not going to have them. 

3. Drive my own cars 

This is another one of those things. You become a millionaire. You can afford any car you want. You pick it out. Then, you hire another human to drive you around in it. What... the fuck. What is the message here? That driving a car is for commoners? Being seen behind the wheel of a beautiful automobile is for peasants? You can't drive you're own Rolls? It's gorgeous! Get behind the wheel! Put your head out the window! Toss watches out of the sun roof! Been seen! Why get a driver for such nice cars? You should have drivers for terrible ones.

"Okay, I'm looking for a driver."

"No problem. We can help you with that. What kind of car? Rolls Royce? Maybach?"

"What? Jesus no! I drive a 97' Corolla. I'm gonna be getting a new car soon. But god, I can't be seen in this thing anymore. I'm trying to get laid, you know? People point and laugh when I'm at the light. I need someone to drive me to work, and I'm going to lay in the back seat under an old blanket. Cool?"

If I'm too busy to drive the gorgeous, half million dollar car that I buy, and everyone in my house is too busy too as well, I won't buy the car. I'll get another fountain.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh