Michael Phelps Never Should Have Been Able To Compete Against People

There’s been a lot of talk this week about women’s boxing at the Olympics. An Algerian boxer dominated an Italian boxer and people are now trying to say that maybe she was born a man. People are claiming that maybe she transitioned into a woman. Let’s go back a bit further to another story that did not get as much coverage. When a fish transitioned into a man. When a marine animal became human. Michael Phelps, the unreal tall, double ankle jointed phenom has much more in common with the very noble porpoise than he does any of us tiny wingspan mortals.

Michael Phelps, this double lung capacity mutant, was out there just crushing regular, single lung capacity dorks. Couple of losers with regular, human, breakable, combustable useless SINGLE lung capacity lungs? How is this fair? Where’s the challenge for him? How does he sleep at night? DOUBLE the capacity. Not even the same species.

‘I have 23 gold medals!’

‘How’d you get them?’

‘I drove a Ferrari on the 100 metre dash. Crushed everyone!’

This man never should have competed against people. Get him out of the pool and into the ocean. Toss him in the Atlantic and find some competition. How much better would that be anyway? Want to watch a bunch of people compete for second place against this tuna? Or see him neck and neck with a great white shark? Photo finish with a swordfish? Interview after would be great.

‘Wow! That was close. What were you thinking in the final moments?’

‘What was I thinking? I was thinking ‘I’m a dolphin. A full dolphin. I do this EVERY DAY and this MAN is right beside me?! Keeping up?! What the hell is going on here?! is what I was thinking. I mean look at me. I have fins. A blowhole. This should be easy but wow… I’ve never been tested like this… (Dolphin noise)’

Only man he should be able to compete against is Aquaman. Poseidon. Anybody with a trident and the ability to surf whales. Not just some guy born in Cleveland with regular human lungs. Not just some dweebie with regular human ankles and a wingspan that can barely reach the Wheaties on the top shelf. You have to swim against men who have the power to control waves. Your natural, Water God given talents exclude you from human men.

Some athletes are going to have some advantages for sure. Parents who care, a house with a family room, indoor plumbing, but wingspan not seen by just about anybody? Double jointed ankles that basically act as rudders? Yes there are genetics but these are X-Men levels. Can Professor X be on Jeopardy? Can Juggernaut compete in a strongman competition?

‘Look he won the Discus Throw fair and square'.’

‘He’s a 9’6” man with Superhuman strength! Buddy can pick up the Chrysler Building!’

‘But he IS a man, so….’

Maybe we should stop placing athletes together by gender at all at the olympics and change it to genetics. We measure people’s genetics and pair them up accordingly. Maybe you’ll compete with women. Maybe you’ll compete with men. Your great great grandfathers blood line will determine this. Except Phelps. His great great grand father was a Seahorse. HIs mom is Flipper and his dad is Jaws. Admit it, Phelps. Give these medals to the poor men who you dominated with your powers, who have now become dock workers, and get into the sea to earn them back. (Dolphin noise)