The Tech Leaders Eyes Are Horrific

Friday The 13th. Nightmare On Elm Street. Halloween. None of these have anything on the eyes of the tech industry leaders. Freddy Krueger trying to kill teens in their dreams has NOTHING on the dark, dead, darty, twitchy eyes of the tech men who have much too much power in how we think. Jason Vorhees, talking to his dead mother and stomping through the Camp Crystal Lake muck to kill, yet again, teens, doesn’t come CLOSE to the fear generated by trying to make eye contact with these vibrating, viciously cold, violently distant eyes of the tech titans who float through the oceans on seventy seven million dollar yachts. Michael Myers? Please. Slowly crawling through Haddonfield with a bread knife to kill one specific person? Not even KIND of as frightening as the windows to the deceased souls of these circuit board loving mutants. Don’t believe me? Take a look.

MARK ZUCKERBERG’S EYES

If you had the choice of being chased by Freddy or these face globes, which are you choosing? Freddy was funny. Entertaining. Man told jokes before he killed you. These eyes don’t ease ANY pain before turning your Uncle into a comment pumpkin. These are the eyes of a man who loves it when your Aunt punches a keyboard in anger while fighting with someone she doesn’t know. The eyes of a guy who needs YOU to use his apps while telling his own kids not to. Freddy would inevitably stab you with his knife finger glove, but he will look you in the eyes when he does it.

ELON MUSK’S EYES

Do these seem like the eyes of a man who’s going to take us to mars? The eyes of a guy who truly cares about free speech on his 1/3 of porn titled app? Or do they seem like the eyes of a guy who would scare PinHead, who is a demon thing from another dimension who’s best friends are a guy without lips and other guy whose skin is being peeled off by hooks? These are the eyes of someone who will try to get you to believe the CyberTruck is cool and almost nothing is scarier than that.

‘Well, I mean, look at it. It looks like a truck that Robocop would drive, and, it can’t go in the rain but it’s ONLY 100k and I mean, it’s got CYBER in the title so you know it’s pre….’

‘AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! Please! I have a family!’

JEFF BEZO’S EYES

You’re driving an Aston Martin in the French Alps, James Bond style. You decide to ‘hit the jets’, (go a bit faster), and the car spins out of control. You careen to the edge, crashing through the barricade, you’re screaming, you’re in complete fear, and then you think about this mans eyes… and you REALLY get scared. Falling off this cliff into a fiery luxury car death is not NEARLY as terrifying as looking into the eyes of this complete ‘piss in a bottle or I’ll fire you’ psycho. Chucky himself would shudder at the thought of having to stare into these pools of hell.

SAM ALTMAN’S EYES

When you looked under your kid as a bed you THOUGHT it was for the Boogeyman. It was actually for this mans absolutely terrifying eye socket windows. THIS man, with the same amount of ability to connect to a human that an Anaconda has, with THESE EYES, is fully pushing OpenAI for the ‘betterment’ of humanity. There is NOBODY, nobody, with eyes like this that care about humanity. A tarantula isn’t worried about whether you can write that report faster. Not one scorpion is thinking about how much time you could save having a ghost robot do your thinking for you, and THIS MAN, with THESE Sub-Zero eyes? Also doesn’t.

And here, this tech leader (comedian) imitating the others. Check DOWN WITH TECH below