Subway Had Fallen Apart a LONG Time Ago

Jared - so famous from losing weight through a sub cleanse that he only needs one name - has pled guilty to charges of having child porn and paying to have sex with minors. What's the fate of Jared? The man is more toasted than Italian herb and cheese. Subway has cut ties with him and I'm sure a lot of people will stop going there.

'Hey, you guys wanna eat at that place that a pedo used to stomp around in?'

'Your uncle's house?'

'Hilarious, man. Just hilarious.... Ya know, my aunt does make a mean egg salad.'

Jared has come crashing down. News outlets are ripping him apart. Heard him described as a 'fall from grace.' Fall from grace? He was a gigantic man who ate subs for money. There wasn't that much grace to fall from. The guy's entire fame was built on the fact that he lost hundreds of pounds eating bread. There's no WAY he lost that weight eating subs. How? No bread? No condiments? Did you just eat the yoga mats they used before putting them into bread? How did you do it?

'Can I have a sub?'

'Sure. What kind of bread?'

'No bread, thank you. And can you make the sub grilled chicken and broccoli?'

'...On what?'

'Look. There are people watching me. I have to keep my damn weight off. Just blow some oregano in my face and call it a cold cut.'

Jared became famous by turning a place that you go to when you're in a crunch for lunch into a fitness center, and we called him a hero for it. Why? Why did we ever believe that this was how he lost weight? We were really dumb about food in the late 90s/early 2000s.

'Huh. Makes sense. A giant piece of bread with tons of meat and cheese on it, topped with BBQ sauce DOES seem like a healthy option. I mean, it's not fried! That's gotta mean something!'

It is our fault, though. We didn't really ask WHICH kind of subs were the healthy ones. We just heard 'Subway is healthy' and went 'Sweet! Yes, extra cheese. I wanna be down ten pounds by summer!' 

Even if we DID know and care about the healthy subs, it's VERY hard to order a healthy sub when the unhealthy subs are advertised RIGHT BESIDE the healthy subs. You're going to try to eat well? You want to slim down? That's cool and everything, but for just fifty extra cents, you can get a sub that will actually taste good. 

'Well, I DO have that extra fifty cents. And I mean, that high school reunion isn't for aWHILE. Yep, I'll get the largest, cheesiest sub you have. Get these two quarters out of my pocket!'

We just didn't care! We heard Subway was healthy and before they could finish we went 'Ah ah ah, I got it. Go to Subway, eat healthy. On it.'

'No. But you can't just...'

'I'm GOING. What is wrong with you? Going right now. Order anything off the menu, I'll get healthy.'

No working out? No walking? Just crush a six inch Italian B.M.T on honey wheat? Strange way to lose weight.

'Welcome to the gym, everyone. Thanks for signing up. Now, let me tell you, you didn't have to do this. You know that Subway you passed? Well, you just do 12 reps of a footlong everyday and you'll lose weight. Yep. Fact. You wanna know what's lighter and easier to lift than actual weight? Subs. It's a fact. Subs.'

Subway used to care. In the late 90s/early 2000s, Subway cared about customers. When you would get a meatball sub, they would just load it up. Meatballs would be flopping all over the place. The artist would toss an extra couple of meatballs in the bag like napkins. Then Subway went corporate. 

'Meatball sub? Okay. Six inch? That is exactly 3.5 meatballs. Let me just cut this one in half. THERE we go. Taking ALL the fun out of lunch. BBQ sauce? Uh huh. Just a quarter tablespoon, annnnnnnnnd bam! Here is your completed, factory made sub. I am a robot.'

Subway changed a lot once this started happening. You MAY have been able to lose weight on the old Subway. A Subway where real food had at least been in the building. You CANNOT lose weight at the new Subway. The old Subway had lettuce from that day. Bread that was baked in or around the Subway. The meat was from an animal that walks the earth. The new Subway? NOTHING but terrible food. Lettuce is hanging on for dear life. The bread is made out of something that scientists are still studying. If anyone is able to lose weight on THIS Subway, THAT person should be famous.

'All I do is eat food that is manufactured and I lost three hundred pounds!'

'Wow! How in the hell did you do that?'

'Well, I cry a lot. I think that helps. AND I weep. Crying takes the weight off, weeping keeps it off.'

People are always shocked by a celebrity's actions. Why do people get famous and drive cars into pools? Why do celebrities think they can do whatever they want? Fame makes a lot of people think they are untouchable. Look at this guy! Got famous being the only man to ever eat SUBS and lose weight, thought he could get away with the most heinous stuff imaginable. He had no talent, wasn't a good looking person, and YET, fame came HIS way and boom. Touching kids, and not only that, having conversations with people about how much he liked to do it AND conversations with a mother about her own kids! Fame just makes people think they can do whatever they want.

'I'm in a band. I'm going to smash this.'

'Nice. I fell out of some big pants on television. I'm about to Freddy Krueger some kids but in real life.'

'Hey, you earned it. It is YOUR face on that bus.'

If Jared thought he had talent, he just found out that he does not. I mean, we defend TALENTED people against big accusations. Michael was ACCUSED of touching kids, people defended it. Woody Allen as well. Michael's talents are completely incomparable. Woody's career is unbelievable. Jared? Jared ate subs for money. NO ONE is coming to his aid. 

'I don't know. I just think he was the best sub eater on the planet. I mean, the guy could REALLY hold up a pair of big jeans that he used to wear. I'm team Jared all the way. Never be another like him.'

Jared hit the fitness lottery. No workout routine. No informercials selling products that shrink your abs and grow your biceps while you shower. 'Shower your way to a six pack!' No discernible talent or even a larger than life personality. Just a weight loss story that made him famous. It's a much different story now.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh