Tabasco Is Offensive

The health department should hand out violations to any restaurant that only has Tabasco for hot sauce. ANY restaurant that brings you Tabasco when you say, ‘Do you have hot sauce?’ should be given a B rating. EVERY restaurant that thinks TABASCO is an acceptable HOT SAUCE should have their rent tripled. ALL restaurants that only have Tabasco for hot sauce should be filled with cement. Restaurants should feel ashamed to have this as the only option. Tabasco is not hot sauce. It is not vinegar. It is basically peppered, puddle water that’s been heated by the sun.

Servers who work at a restaurant that only has Tabacco know what they are bringing to the table. They hold their head down, with zero confidence, toss it on the table before you even catch what’s happened, then probably go in the back and plead to a manager.

‘You have to buy new hot sauce. I CAN’T bring this to tables anymore.’

‘Gotta keep costs low, that’s why I walk under bridges and catch the water that drips from them into a bottle.’

‘They want HOT SAUCE, not bridge drippings!’

‘They don’t know what they want! That’s why the menu here is 76 pages.’

‘78!’

‘78! Even better.’

No server puts Tabasco on the table with confidence. They don’t go, ‘And here you are. TABASCO! That’s the REAL stuff. Tabasco! Can you BELIEVE that we have this?!’

I can’t. This place should be closed. There are a SELECT GROUP OF HUMANS who could even POSSIBLY find Tabasco passable.

1. POWs

Were you captured during war times? Did you spend time in a hole where you had to drink your own piss to stay alive? Did a Vietnamese guard stand over top of you yelling ‘didi mao!’ holding a chicken while you tried to figure out WHAT the hell he wanted? Then Tabasco is for you. You might even enjoy it JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE than tossing your legs behind your head and using your own mouth for a urinal. Being held in a bamboo cage while you’re poked with hot steel prepares for you something like Tabasco being the only option for your meal.

2. Anyone who lived through The Great Depression

One day you’re riding high, betting on the big James J. Braddock vs Ulysses FarmBurner fight, next day you’re selling your spoons for bread. For YEARS you walk to the docks every day trying to get work to no avail. You fill the holes in your shoes with newspaper that everyday reads ‘Guess what? We’re still depressed!’ and the bank will only let you take out one dollar a week, then Tabasco is for you.

‘Here’s what we can do for dinner. I can bake socks or pour Tabasco into your hand.’

‘Can I have Tabasco ON the socks?’

‘Then WHAT will we eat for the rest of the week, James?’

Tabasco should be the face of the Great Depression.

‘Hey, could be worse,. You could be living in Central Park drinking beer made in a wash basin out of a boot. Or a bottle with a red top… Tabasco.’

If you lived through the dirty 30s, you won’t mind a splash of Tabasco on your monte cristo.

3. Anyone who enjoys being kicked in the balls

Do you like someone kicking you directly in the mangos? Are you a fan of placing your bare sack on a hardwood floor while a woman in heels steps on it and calls you a cuck? Then you COULD be in the market for Tabasco. Tabasco does for you mouth what that human in work boots whose leg is cocked back does to your testicles. Hurts it. Destroys it. Not. One. Favour. If having your marbles rocked gets you off, then Tabasco on your burger is for you.

@nathanmacintosh