Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates:

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

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Martin Shkreli seems to be an evil man with a lack of compassion for human beings. I would assume that EVERY thing on earth is dollars and cents to him. Does this make money? Then don't do it. What is the time between helping people versus the money I could make by not helping them? 

'Hey, Martin. Can you pick me up from the airport?'

'Well, technically, yes. Let's see, I live about fifteen miles from the airport, which is thirty to and from, I'll burn about six dollars worth of gas, so I'll charge you seven dollars for the gas and a pick up fee of three dollars. Ten dollars, and I'll leave right now.'

'Martin, I'm your Mother.'

'Yes, and I can't let that get in the way of business. I'm soft on you, next thing I know I'm signing a deal where I'll only make forty million dollars!'

'.... Martin.... I've never been more proud of you! I'm giving you twenty dollars.'

Is the only thing that makes a person this way capitalism? Is that it? Does it have anything to do with parenting? If parenting plays apart, I'm assuming the criminals that made this Martin piece of equipment must have conceived this animal in a bank vault.  Scrooge McDuck style. 

'Oh, Mortimus, I believe my vagina is deferring in anticipation of your NasDaq rising within the confines of my savings account.'

'God, Mafalda, you know I love it when you talk dirty in banking terms.'

'You want to get REALLY dirty, let's talk about me re-mortgaging your portfolio's in my mouth.'

'Jesus Christ! To the vault!'

Some of the greed and such has to come from parents. Right? That smirk fest of a face Martin has got to be the most punchable thing anyone has seen in years. Answers a questions, and smirks. When not answering questions, he has facial twitches of a person who's parents were too busy in a loveless marriage to even touch him.

'Honey, our son is doing that weird anti social again where he...'

'Don't you 'HONEY' me! Really? You're going to HONEY me? In this show marriage? We've been living a lie for years!'

'Four years ago you had my portfolios in your mouth, now you're telling me this is all a fake.'

'You know it is, Mortimus! YOU KNOW IT IS! I put your unkept portfolios in my mouth so that I, Mafalda, would have a portfolio of my own.'

'... Are we still talking about my balls?'

'Don't you SWEAR in this house!'

That twitch is either years and years of parents screaming at each other, never given you any credit for anything that you do. Or, you were picked on. Kept feelings inside and now they try to jump through your face. Do I know anything? No. These are just thoughts and opinions. But those expressions are SOMETHING. They are not just 'who he is'. They are from something, somewhere. Instead of looking at these things though, for Martin it was the ultimate money chase. Just get out there, get money, and THAT will solve it all. All questions can be answered with an account.

'You okay?'

'I got money.'

'You sad?'

'I got money.'

'You feel fulfilled in life?'

'My bank is fulfilled.'

Great, Martin, you have a ton of money. Good job. Every think about not having the characteristics of a fly, though? Ever think that your unholy bullshit smirk is enough in a lot of circles to get your head tossed through a window? Ever talk to someone, see that they have become really uncomfortable with how your eyes hard blink for zero reason and think, 'Huh, maybe I should work on my social skills.' There are plenty of things money can't buy, one being the ability to talk to other humans who aren't rich strang-ies. 

It's interesting that someone can buy a company and deal with people who are very much unlike them. A rich person is not selling to other rich people. They are selling to the most in need. Selling to people they wouldn't even have met at one of their power lunches. Never. They've never truly come into contact with each other, but now, one is selling to the other. 

Rappers talk about the money they have, but they ain't buying the rights to drugs. For all the rappers who say they make millions selling cocaine, NONE of them have the money to buy the rights to it. 

'Yo, I'm looking for a bump.'

'Well, you've clearly never boughten drugs before, and clearly I shouldn't be selling them, but cool. All the coke comes through Young Jeezy now, and you have to buy it AND all of his mixtapes.'

'Okay. How much?'

'Coke is free. Mixtapes are a thousand each.'

'Christ! I don't have that kind of money!'

'Well, hit the bricks, bud. We're done.'

And yes, I know you can't buy the rights to cocaine because it's illegal, but technically, you could own the rights to it. It's a little bit bloodier of a process then just being a hedge fund manager and 'earning' the money the 'legal' way, but still, rappers ain't even CLOSE to a thirty two year old hedge fund manager. He is described as a former hedge fund manager. Former! At 32, already retired from a job I'm assuming is basically sitting in a room and being paid an unbelievable amount of money. 

'How much did you make today?'

'Well, I took the day off. So, two hundred grand?'

'Yikes. Rough one, huh?'

Yes, the man has a lot of money. Some people look at money as being the only thing that counts from a person. If you have a ton of money, no matter who you are and what you do, some people will still look at you like a hero. 

'That guy sucks.'

'Well, he's a super duper ba buper billionaire da da da luper naire. He's great.' 

That means DICK. Making a ton of money doesn't make you smart, creative, interesting, talented, or a good person. You're talented at making money. You're smart at investing. Good. Does NOT mean what you put into the world is good. That it does not. 

Yes, Martin is not the only person or company on the planet robbing and destroying things. There are plenty more, but many of them we do not have a face for them. It's just a logo that we should be avoiding. This one? HAS a face. We've seen it. We've heard it defend itself with 'profits' and 'to further help patients.' Please. We've seen this face, and reacted. People get mad at many companies for many great reasons, but if each of them had a inhuman creature tweeting back at their concerns? We might have a different view of all of them. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh