Sports Bars With Dance Music

If you would have asked we what the worst way to follow a baseball game was, I would have for sure said the radio. Hands down, would have guessed radio over anything. Anything. Being set on fire and watching baseball? Better than radio. Having to sit with your ex while she tells you about all the sex she's having since you broke up while watching baseball? Weirder than radio, but better. Fighting a tiger with a playstation controller while watching a manager run at the mound to make a pitching change? Harder than radio, but better.

Drove around a lot in September/October, and wanted to follow baseball. The option was listening on the radio, or driving while holding my phone on the dashboard, WHICH I HAVE SEEN MANIACS DOING ON THE HIGHWAY. LOT of criminals out there. Speeding down a highway while they have a movie playing on a small screen right behind their steering wheel. Went with option one, and listening to baseball on the radio is pretty great, actually. Screaming at someone you can't see to throw a strike? People driving around you probably think you're really going through it, but then again they're texting their kids in the back to stop kicking the seats.

I found the worst way to follow baseball. No tigers involved. Sitting in a bar, watching it on mute while Keisha or some pop song is blaring. Sitting in a place that calls itself a Sports Bar, while Justin Bieber goes through a break up to a beat as sports are a forgotten memory hanging on a wall. Any bar that has it TVs turned to sports and it's sound turned to dance music should have it's liquor license removed immediately. No questions asked. No room to debate it. Liquor commission comes in, rips the liquor license off the wall, screams 'This is what happens! YOU DID THIS!', punches a TV on the way out and grabs a wing off someone's plate.

I get it if there are a lot of games going on in a night and you pick one. You pick the one that the most people in the bar want to watch. So some people will watch their sport on mute, while the one that the most people wanted to watch will have sound. Okay. Even with that though, a lot of bars will play the game, and when there is a break, half time, whatever, and analysts come on to talk about the game that is playing IN THE BAR, the bar will turn off the sound, and play dance music. For. What. Reason? People are watching the game. Do you think they'll just HATE to continue to follow it during half time? Do you think that whenever people watch sports they want a dance party in-between breaks?

'Hey! Turn this trash off! The big men aren't holding any balls right now. It's just some idiot talking about the stupid game we're watching. Turn up the jiggle music! I want to jiggle, man!'

People who are watching a game will have NO PROBLEM listening to people TALK ABOUT THE GAME they are watching. None at all. People at home do it all the time. It's part of watching the game. Nobody cuts the TV off at home when a analysts come on. Just turn it off and jack iTunes all the way up. 

'Oh god, these people are talking again. If they sang their thoughts, I'd be in. But just talking? NOPE. Shut it off. Let's dance!'

What is the big fascination with dance music in a place where you can throw peanuts on the floor? Who in the hell is dancing here? Actually, I know who's going. People from small towns. In their town, an AppleBee's is Studio 54. No where else to go and dance except the place where you also take a lunch break. 

'Where do you want to drink tonight?'

'What do you mean 'where'? That a joke? We got one place! Captain Magillcuddy's. It's there or the woods.... Woods?'

Listening to baseball on the radio, you can hear the crowd. You feel as if you are somewhat apart of the experience. Watching the game on mute with Miley in your ear? You feel like you showed up to someone's party and begged to follow the game.

'Um, hi, I know it's your birthday and everything, but I really don't know you. I'm here because my friend wanted somewhere to hang tonight. I agreed, and here I am. Can I watch the game now?'

Why do bars do this? Why have sports on AND music? Are the sports for men? Is the music for women? Vice versa? Either way, no body is happy. Nobody wants to watch sports on mute, and even less people want sports to be on when they're trying to get in a dancing groove. Either way, I found the worst way to follow baseball. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Blue Jay BandWagon Jumpers

The Blue Jays are doing great, bringing the 90's feeling back to the city. Most people are really happy about this. Some people? Some people who were fans when the Jays were not doing great are PISSED that the Jays have gotten new fans. The same way that people who are upset that the  band they were a fan of who used to play under a bridge, finds huge success and reaches a mass audience gets mad.

'What? YOU didn't love 'Bucket Of Garbage' like IIIIII did. I saw them play in a swamp. A swamp! I rode a gator... alone! I have a ticket stub from that show they did in a dumpster behind Sizzler! What right do you have to like them? What right?!'

Some people who were Jays fans even when they had that AWFUL angry 'Blue Jay' as a logo, are mad at newcomers. I went to some games when they had that logo, and always thought 'Blue Jays aren't angry. Why do they have this bird flying through lightning in these promos? This is baseball! Not the Gulf War.'  What was that logo? Who came up with that? Was that designed after Wrestleman 18 when Hollywood Hogan fought the Rock?

'Hey, you see that? These fans LOVE Hollywood Hogan. They're cheering for him more than they do the Jays!'

'You thinking what I'm thinking?'

'Hiring Hulk Hogan as the mascot?'

'... Not bad, but no. Making the Jays logo and entrance match his pants.'

'Woa, woa, woa! Hogan just leg dropped The Rock! I'm coming unglued! What did you say?'

To some degree, I get people being mad at bandwagon jumpers. I GET it, but I don't get it. 

Last year, I was doing shows in October in a small town with barely anything to do. The comedian I was with is a big baseball fan and he watched every World Series game that he could. I watched with him and really got into it. Understood how exciting it can be. I could never watch baseball on TV before. I always loved going to games, I played as a kid, but watching on TV? Couldn't do it. Just thought it was so boring.  Basketball sucked me in pretty easily. It's fast, it has music I like, cheerleaders are everywhere. 

'What are you guys watching?'

'A person with ADD's dream! Look! Fast paced, bouncing ball, tits, rap music, horns, tits! I can't stop!'

Baseball is a little different, but watching the World Series, I got into it.

I've always loved going to games. Baseball is one of the best sports to see live, because there's so many things happening. You want to watch a game? Go ahead. You want to sit and drink? Done. You want to sing songs loudly and play weird stadium games all night? They have that. You want to just scream at people? Okay. 

'What do you guys want to do tonight?'

'Whatever the hell I want? I might get drunk and tell a nine year old to suck it.'

'... Baseball?'

'Oh. Yeah. I'll get my 'Suck It' sign.'

I have four Blue Jays hats. One was bought after they started playing well, the others were  bought solely to represent Canada. The maple leaf logo is great. Just a Canadian simple on a nice hat? I'm in. I can't buy a Calgary Flames hat for Canada. I can't get a Vancouver Canucks Jersey to represent where I'm from. 

'Oh, sweet. Senators fan?'

'No. Just from Canada and I love it.'

'Why not just get a hat that says 'Canada' on it?'

'Because those hats are sold at Irving gas stations for twelve dollars and I don't like them.'

'Ah.... I'm a Sens fan. Ever been to Ottawa?'

Again, I GET why some people would be mad at newcomers, but why would you not want people to get excited? It's the only team in the country! All we have! When they are doing well, the entire country SHOULD jump on board. In the MLB, it is basically Blue Jays vs America. We are the only team represented for Canada. That is it. I've started watching because I live in NY, and I miss home. It's great to see them doing well, and it's great to see just Canadians getting excited about it. I met a guy from Calgary on the train in NY who saw my Jays hat, and started talking about what a fan he is. It's making people across the country happy. 

People who are mad are going to be mad regardless. Do you know how mad fans would have been if NO ONE had jumped on board? They would have been livid! The teams doing well and nobody cares? 

'Edwin hits 75 homers in a game and there's only six thousand people here?! This is ridiculous! How could people not get behind this team?! Where the hell are the fans!? Out there just sucking themselves? Christ.'

New fans show up.

'Oh, what the HELL. YOU weren't here when Bautista was out there wearing shorts and just laying down in the field. You can't come in here when he actually puts pants on and starts playing! I used to use your seat to put my beer on. Where am I going to put my beer now? My dumb hand?! Christ.'

Growing up, a friend of mine had tons of Blue Jays posters on his walls. Shots of the Skydome, Joe Carter, banners. Everything. We played Ken Griffey Jr's baseball on Super Nintendo and were always either Jays or Expos, OR the Mariners, just to sock dingers with Griffey. People were excited as hell about the Jays at the time, and it's great to see that happening again. Get mad at people for cheering if you want, but for me, I'm cheering for Canada. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh