Steve Jobs Movies.

I am writing this on an Apple product. During the writing of this, I checked the other Apple product I have multiple times. For texts, for Instagram likes, even for Facebook after I checked Facebook on this Apple product and thought, 'Huh, THIS one has nothing, but maybe Facebook on my other Apple product does.' Even though I write this on an Apple product while every three seconds checking my other Apple product, I'm not a huge fan of the man that created these: Sir Steve Jobs. Señor Steve had the ideas for these products I'm assuming while sweating out the demons on a river boat in the Amazon after being bit by a poisonous spider.

"Steve... how are you doing? You've been out the last couple of days. You feeling better?'

'I.... had a vision. A vision... about advances in technology.... that would stop people from looking each other in the face again..... destroy languages as we know them and leave them as only abbreviations.... censor what people type by changing say 'fuck' to 'duck', and 'yell' to 'tell'.... and... the best part... is the vision was of the same product done in four different ways.... a laptop, a phone, a bigger, more useless thing that's half way between phone and laptop, and a watch... to really take people's money.....'

'Holy Christ. That's horrifying.'

'Yes.... I'm going to get to work on it when I get better.... What are you doing with that pillow?!'

'I can't have this happen!'

Every year on the anniversary of Duke Steve's death, we see pictures of him in magazines, always with the same expression. Maybe he's looking at us leaning on a hand. Maybe he's looking down at his hands, with  a 'I created earth' feel on his face. Maybe he's doing nothing but looking, right into our souls, saying, 'The thing I made is in your pocket, huh? It's in yo girls pocket too!' No matter the look, we can be sure about one thing. He will be wearing a black turtleneck. Ol' Capitano Steve ALWAYS wore a black turtleneck. Why? Because that's what geniuses do. A genius is apparently SO genius-y that they have no time to change. They will just buy the same thing a hundred times, to get to the real work. If you do this and are not smart, we would call you an insane maniac that needs to talk to someone with a psychology degree about this.

'Have you seen Jeff?"

'Yeah. He just bought seven of the same pair of pants.'

'... Do you think we should tell the cops that we might know who beheaded that woman in the park?'

'OH yeah.'

We just decided at one point that that's the mark of a genius. Wearing the same damn thing every day and creating makes you a hero. What if they're a smart person who's also disgusting? We only SEE the pictures of Steve Jobs. If we could SMELL them, maybe we'd have a different opinion of this man. 

'Yeah, I photographed Colonel Jobs a few times, and let me tell you, I used a LONG lens. I mean, the man smelled as old and dusty as an iPod Nano. Guy had the aroma of an IOS crash. Just DIRTY. El Steve-O should have made a shower head that let's you check your texts. Maybe then he'd hit the shower at least ONCE. I just tossed my iPad at him for him to sign. Was NOT going to get close to him.'

This Summer, Hollywood is doing it again. Hollywood has decided that Spiderman and Doctor Jobs are the same. They each need a movie made about them every two years. Another movie about Lieutenant Jobs is on it's way. ANOTHER movie about a man who's story has not changed. ANOTHER movie where Staff Sargent Steve creates Apple. ANOTHER movie where Count Jobs yells at people and says, 'It can be done!' while he goes through his closet for the SAME DAMN TURTLENECK.

'Get it done! I don't care! Now, where's my turtleneck?'

'Sir... you're wearing it.'

SLAP

'Don't you EVER talk to me like that. This is my 'yell at people who work for me and maybe slap them when they get out of line' turtleneck. I need my 'the confidence to call the employees who work in my stores 'geniuses' turtleneck. Can you help with that, DENNIS? No? Then take your shit to Microsoft!'

Who in the world was asking for another movie about this man? WHO? Where are you?! WHERE! Do you have sex with your iPhone? Do you take your iPad in the shower with you? Were other movies about Professor Jobs the first movies you had seen once you were released from that dungeon where you had been held against your will since '68?

'I was underground for forty years. I survived by drinking fish heads and eating water, only to FINALLY be released and find out that you're supposed to EAT the fish heads and DRINK the water. What do you want from me? I was thrown in a pit at two months old! Anyway, first thing I saw after the sun destroyed my eyes, was a poster for a 'movie', about a 'man', who created a 'product.' I just learned all these words. It really spoke to me, so I would love it if more movies about this man could be made.' 

People make fun of Rocky movies sometimes because there are so many. Rocky movies have been being made since 1977 though. Lot of time. There are soon to be seven Rocky movies, but in each movie, there is a new story. Rocky gets a chance to fight the world champ, Rocky fights him again and wins. Rocky is carried for years and fights a man he can't beat, then does it. Rocky goes to Russia and beats that animal. Rocky loses all his money and trains a man who then fights him outside a bar. Rocky loses his wife, and fights a man in his fifties because of a computer fight. And coming up, Rocky trains the son of the world champ that he fought in the beginning. Nurse Jobs? Same story every time.

'Made a computer, talked to people. Made an iPod, yelled at people. Made a phone, died. This Summer, watch it ALL again, for the first time.'

How many are they going to make? The last one didn't capture the essence of First Officer Jobs?People were upset that Ashton played Vice President Steve? Good. Get every actor in Hollywood to play Emperor Steve. Let's see all the nuances. 'Nicholson's Jobs. Tina Fey REALLY explores his eye movements.' One day there'll be three movies in the same theatre at the same time about him.

'Going to see the Steve Jobs movie.'

'Which one? Starring Johnny Depp or Michael Cera?'

'Neither. Jason Statham.'

'Ooooooh. Nice. Heard they get to the bottom of Deputy Jobs's workout routine in that one.'

No matter how many they make, they will NEVER tell some other sides of Apple. The head of a company screaming at someone, 'But if we pay Americans to make the stuff, we'll have to pay them more money!', and, 'But if we charged for the stuff  based on the prices we actually pay people to make the stuff, we wouldn't make as many billions of dollars!' That one won't be made. 

They'll keep making the one we apparently want. The tortured genius who was angry with people around him but for the greater good of humanity. The hero who made black turtlenecks a sexy piece of equipment. The one. The only. Dolphin Trainer Steve Jobs.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

iPhone 6 lines.

The iPhone 6 has come out! Get yourself out of your house and down to a damn store that has it. I had an iPhone 3gs until two months ago. Why? The thing is magic! I bought and iPhone 5c when my screen and headphone jack just gave up. Why the 5c? Because I wanted that green one. I like colour. People were like, 'Why don't you just wait for the 6?" Because honestly, I don't care about it. I like this 5. I'm cool with it. 

"Why don't you want the newest one?" The 5c is cool, but it's not NEEEEWWWW. It's not AAAAMMMMAAAZZZZIIIIIINNNGGG."

I think it is. Still, some thoughts on the iPhone 6. 

People wait in line for every phone that apple puts out. Why? Apple is making an infinite number of them. You will get one if you want to get one. They aren't only making two hundred. They are making too many! You will get one if you want one.

"But I want it right goddamn now. Like, today today."

"Well, we're out. Come back in an hour, and we'll have a ...."

"An hour!? A whole hour? I'll be older by then! I will be back, but suck it."

At first they only give the world a certain number. Why? So that people will wait in line. So that people will freak out.

"People are in line! I have to get in line! I need one now! I'll kill a mother to get one!"

Apple could, COULD, put out enough for everyone. Could, FOR SURE, put out one for everyone, right away. But that doesn't make people freak the hell out.

"We can all get one? Well, then, I don't want it. It was cool and interesting when I had to wait like an animal in a line for it, but if I can just go in there and get it right now? What am I? An animal?"

I get that part of the lines, but that's it. But people showing up to wait in them? The lines for phones aren't interesting. Lines for the opening night of movies, people dress up. Lines for a concert you get to see something fun. Even video game lines for games that come out at midnight, you get to play something at the end, and those people in the line are talking video games. Lines for a phone? You get a phone. You get people talking about phones. You get a device that allows people to text you, has a number your boss can call when you're late, and this phone runs a little bit faster than the one you already have. 

The shared interest here is a phone. Something that everyone has. Every single person has a phone. It's not something unique. It's something that every single human in most countries has in their pocket. Maybe not as good as some others, but we all got them. If you have money, you can get a phone.  It's like waiting in line for socks. We all have socks! Every single person has socks. Some better than others, but can you stand there with thousands of people and talk socks? 

People freak out over other products that come out, because a lot of them they only make a couple. There is literally an infinite number of iPhones. Just an infinite number. We can all get an iPhone 6, thousands of times. Apple probably makes three of every single one for everybody on the planet. Because in their eyes, the phones are so great, why not have one of each? Get em all!

"iPhone6? You're goddamn right I have it? I bought the 16gb for the car, the 64 gb for the office, and the 128 gb when I want to chop it up with these bitches! Bitches love 128 gigs."

The best thing is people wait in line for a phone that won't even be as interesting to them for as long as the line was. 

"Man, you waited fourteen hours for the iPhone 6?! How is it?"

"Maaaaannnnnn, it was SICK for like two hours. Just SIIIIICCCKKK. Now it's just a phone. Just a regular thing. Can't WAIT for the seven!"

One new thing about the iPhone 6 is you can pay for things with it. I'm not sure why people want to pay for things with a phone. 'Because it's easier! Because then I don't have to carry anything except my lord and saviour, the phone!" Wasn't that what debit and credit cards were supposed to be? That's any easy way to pay for things. A card, that has all of your money on it. Just all of your money. Do people hate cash? Why do people hate cash? It makes things cool. One day in movies, when a shady people slide a brief case across a table, it won't have money in it.

"Two million. I have it right here." (Slides briefcase across table)

".... This is a phone."

"Yeah, with access to my bank account, which has two million dollars on it."

"How the hell do I know that?"

"Ahhh, because I'm telling you. Come on, man."

"Don't mock me. I said two million! I meant cash!"

"Who carries cash anymore? And two million dollars in cash? That's like twenty pounds. You want me to carry twenty pounds around? All DAY? For serious? Phone, sir. You have a phone now, will two million dollars on it. And can you give me the phone back when you transfer the money? I waited in line for that phone for hours."

Why has cash become the devil? Someone can't hack cash out of your pocket. That has to be jacked. 

Apple and Samsung seem to not like each other. They have commercials bashing one another. I don't buy it. I swear that Apple and Samsung work together. They love having this competition with each other. They have figured out how to get us, largely poor people, to fight for these expensive things and defend which company we buy from likes it's our family.

"Samsung is the greatest thing ever! You're iPhone sucks!"

"Oh yeah? Well your Samsung is so fat, it ate the All You Can Eat sign at a buffet!"

"Oh yeah? Well your iPhone is so dumb, it has an english bitch living in it that answers questions for it!"

"Oh yeah? Well your Samsung is so dumb, it thought you said 'Steve' when you were telling it to call 'Cleve'!"

I bet all of the money that Samsung and Apple both make probably goes into one giant room, and the CEO's go in there, glance over the billions that is there, and blow each other. 

"We got them to fight about us! They have allegiance to both of these stupid things! I'm gonna suck your bag!"

Apple and Samsung are the only ones laughing when you buy a phone, even if you are laughing that you waited in line and got one before someone else. Blowing each other. Think about it.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh