Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

James Cristiano: james@authenticm.com

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Spiders. Keeping me out of most of the world.

Well, I just watched a video about the worlds biggest spiders. And that's it. I don't want to go out anymore. I don't want to travel to any lands where I can come across a scary, alien like creature that could take a sandwich out of my hand. 

"This Cubano is delic.... JESUS CHRIST! What in the hell is that?! Take me back to the airport!"

"Don't worry, sir. That's just the giant Sandwichstealing spider. Not dangerous to people."

"Not dangerous? It almost knocked me over!"

Is that stupid? Yes. Does it cut out a lot of places to visit? Yep. A lot of ones I want to go to as well. Brazil? Man. Only place I want to go. But do I really want to see a spider that's bigger than the asses that are around? 

"Look at that girl, man! That's huge!"

"Yeah. We should go tell her there's a spider on her back."

"Yeah. It's blocking her ass."

What's crazy is, most times the smallest spiders are the ones that can kill you. I always thought that living in Canada was great for that. Nothing really crazy in the country that can just sneak into you house and bite you. If something is Canada is coming into your house to bite you, nine out of ten times you will hear it. 

"Shhh. I think I heard something."

"Roooooaaaarrrrrr!"

"Yep. Bear. Let's do this you son of a bitch."

Living in a place with winter, sure, there's snow and ice. There are days when you have to warm up your car before you get into it. That is bad. But it's better than checking your shoes before you put them on so you aren't bit by a tiny thing that can kill you.

"Why does anyone live where it gets cold? What a dumb thing to do. I mean, we can go to the beach whenever we want. Hey, pass me my sho... shake them first! Are you crazy?! There could be an eight legged monster of death in there!"

Before I went to South Africa, I looked up spiders and bugs that can kill you. Found out there's a huge spider that comes out when it rains. It's massive. When I got down there, I asked people about it. I was told not to worry about it at all. Even though it's huge, it's not poisonous. The real spiders to worry about, were tiny spiders. A guy told me that his friend was bitten by a tiny spider, and he lost his pinky finger. Wasn't gonna happen to me. So every night before I went to bed, I checked my room for small spiders. Found them, I apologized and killed them. True. Said 'sorry spider', then killed them. Not worth keeping them alive. I wasn't trying to wake up in a coma.

"What happened to Nathan?"

"Something the size of a penny got him."

"What's a penny?"

"Oh. You were born in 2014, huh? Well, a penny was a coin in Canada that we got rid o..."

"What's a coin?"

"Look, I know we got rid of money completely and that we only use cards now but that's not the point. Nathan is hanging on here by a thread!"

".... What's a thread?"

"I hate you, futuristic, kid! I hate you!"

twitter @nathanmacintosh

 

 

 

 

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