Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Sibling Day.

I know. Sibling day is not a real day. It's an internet thing. But still, it made me think of some things. I have a younger brother. We look very similar. Same father. Same mother. Both of us have red hair and skin pale enough to use as wax paper. My brother is two and a half years younger than me. I was around for a couple of years before he showed up. I was the only child for awhile. I don't remember too much about it, but I'm pretty sure it was great. 

The Dust Buster - One day my brother showed up. I wasn't a fan. Now there were two of us? How the hell was this gonna work. I wanted all the attention. One night my mom was downstairs. I went to his crib, and took a dust buster to his head like an ECW match. The dust buster was sucking up his tiny hair, and he was balling. I don't know what I was trying to do, I just wasn't a fan of him. My mom came running upstairs to see why he was crying, and I hid the dust buster. 

The Reese Cups - I was in grade two, and my brother wasn't in school yet. I got off the bus home, and my mom said, 'Hey. I got you guys some reese cups. Alex has them in the room.' I went into our room, and my brother couldn't be found. No brother. I looked around, then opened up the closet. There was my brother, on the floor, eating all six reese cups. Weird look on his face. He was probably sick from all the chocolate. I'm pretty sure I started to cry. No reese cups for me. 

The Dinky Car - My mom drove us to the library once to drop off a book. I was five, brother was almost three. I had a little dinky car that I was driving on the door. A dinky car from the 80's. Just a pure piece of metal. My mom goes into the library, and my brother starts calling me a bum. I told him, 'Say it again, and I'm throwing this dinky car at your head.' He looks around super coy, then looks at me, 'you're a bum.' I hauled back and whipped this thing at his head. Bam! Hits him above the eye, and he bursts open. Blood is running down his face, and he's screaming. He's bleeding bad. Bleeding like he's in an ECW match. I run into the library. I tell mom that something happened. She gets to the car, and sees this complete mess, and I tell her that Alex was jumping around, fell, and hit his head on the door. We drive to the emergency room, and instead of stitches, the doctor glues his head back together. This surgical glue or something. As he's gluing the wound back together, the doctor glues his glove to my brothers head. My brother is screaming as this doctor is pulling on a glove that is stuck to his forehead. 

The Chin Explosion - When I was little, I had superman pajamas. They were great. They had a little cape attached to them. My mom asked me to take some towels up to the linen closet. I get to the bottom of the stairs, and start thinking superman in these sweet as pajamas. I tear up these wooden steps, wearing socks, and slipped. I come down directly on my chin. Bam! Opens right the hell up. Opens up like I'm in an ECW match. My mom rushes me to the emergency with my brother. We get there, and have to wait. I'm holding one of the towels I had been taking upstairs to my chin, bleeding everywhere. My mom asks my brother to take a dollar and get a ginger ale. He puts the dollar in, and no ginger ale comes out. So, my brother starts kicking the machine. Just booting it. Other people in the emergency room are cheering him on. 

"Yeah! Get it! Kick it!"

Ginger ale falls out. The emergency room cheers. My brother brings it over to me. 

"You need it, Nath."

The urine - My brother and I were really into video games growing up. Had just about every system over the years and spent countless hours playing and beating games. Majoras Mask came out for Nintendo 64, and my brother pretty much locked himself in a room for three straight days. Came out of the room, looking like he'd been to Nam or involved in an ECW match, and went 'beat it.' I was in there a day or so later with my girlfriend at the time. We were fifteen so it was pretty innocent. The room was dark, and there was a bottle of coke on the floor. I took a sip of it, and it was the strongest tasting thing ever. I thought, 'Maaaaan this is flat!' Because I'm stupid, I took another sip. Just another blast of hell to the mouth. THIS time I figure out what had happened. My brother, while beating this game, DID NOT leave the room to piss. Instead, just right into this coke bottle. My girlfriend is going, 'it's that bad? Let me try it!' 'No! No! It's awful. I'm getting rid of it.' I assume this was my brothers way of paying me back for the dinky car. 

The Clothesline - My brother and I hung out a lot when we were very little. By the time I was about twelve, I thought it was kind of stupid to hang out with my younger brother. Thought kids would make fun of me. Really stupid thought, but I was little. One time we were at my grand parents house. I'm pretty sure that we had been arguing a bit about some stupid brother thing. I went outside to get our clothes off the line, and my brother locked me out. I took his clothes, and through them on the ground. He let me back in. 

"Why did you do that? I was just getting out clothes?"

"You were? I thought you were going to do something bad to them."

Then he started to cry and said, 'we could have been friends again.' Kept crying. I felt bad about that at the time, and honestly, still hits me a bit now. He just wanted us to hang out again. Really dumb that I thought hanging with my little brother was stupid. 

The Porn - Rogers used to have a cable box. On that cable box, you could order porn. My brother and I were both in the age for porn. When I would order it, I would try to find things that sounded like actual shows or movies. 'Sopornos.' 'Forrest Hump.' That sort of thing. So that if I did get questioned, I could say 'I messed up! Was trying to get something else.' My brother? Not the same. Would just get ANYthing. 'Whores.' 'Super Whores.' 'You won't BELIEVE what these Whores are doing.' One day we were in our room, and our mom kicked in the door. 

'I just got a bill for four hundred dollars! Which one of have been ordering these dirty movies?!'

Me and my brother both say, 'wasn't me.' Our mom is LOSING it.

'None of you, huh? NEITHER of you ordered these skin flicks?'

To this day, 'skin flicks' said by my mom is the most disgusting thing I've heard. Both of us still did not own up to it. Our mom went on to call Rogers, ask them if there was anyway there was a mistake, was told that those movies were ordered from that our house, by our remote. No mistakes. My brother and I never talked about it, because we both knew we were wrong, and both thought we were the only ones ordering them. 

The brother - There are many other stories about many other things, but basically I love my brother. He's always been an inspiration to me even though he's younger. He's hilarious, an amazing writer, interesting, and speaks his mind. People think that I may be loud at times and talk a bunch, but I was always the quiet one between the two of us. I love my brother.

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