Cross Promotion in movies. Needed?

It's been happening for years. McDonald’s had cups from every Batman movie when I was growing up. The only way that Jurassic Park could have been more places at the time is if they were buying up ad space inside of people.

"Oh no! Your kid just fell! Wait, is her knee bleeding a Jurassic Park poster?"

"Yeah. Fifty thousand dollars and all they did was fill her leg full of some sort of ink. When she bleeds, it tells you when the movie comes out and who stars in it. Pretty insane really. Don't cry, sweetie! Just walk near the bus stop so people can read your leg!"

I get why it happens. I do. Companies want to piggyback off a huge movie to get more money. Cool. Makes sense. But, my question is, how do they make money? Are there really people (and by asking this question I'm sure that the answer is yes) that will see a 'Cheez Its' poster featuring their favourite character and buy them because of it?

"I'd love to buy you, Ritz, I really would. But it's just YOU that are telling me to buy you. Get Aquaman to co-sign, and you'll be in my cart for sure."

Most cross promotions are characters selling things to kids. A kid will see Green Lantern drinking Kool-Aid, and yell at their parents to buy it. As of late though, it's movies with characters promoting adult products. Not like 'adult' adult products, just things that only adults are in the market for. Commercials showing Superman spliced with H&R Block.

"Superman can leap over tall buildings. He can run faster than a locomotive. But even he has a problem crossing his t's and dotting his i's. That's why he hires the professionals. H&R Block. We know taxes are your kryptonite. Let us take care of them so you can enjoy your Fortress Of Solitude."

What is this for? People HAVE to do taxes. You have to do them! It doesn't matter if a character brings them to you or not. You can't just not do them because a super hero doesn't tell you about them. Is that what happened with Wesley Snipes?

"Mr. Snipes. You are charged with tax evasion. How do you plead?"

"Bored, man. Bored. Taxes are so BORING. Just a guy in a suit on TV like 'Hey, you gotta do these'. Can't you get Cyclops or The Tick to tell me about them?"

"... Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. When you are not dressed as Blade, I find you boring as well. I get your point. Only characters telling us about things from here on out! You're free to go!"

There was a Superman commercial where Superman flew into the sky, and then, superimposed over him, 'Dodge Ram' comes into focus. What adult needs this?

"Hmmm. I don't know. I am for sure in the market for a Ram. I like the Hemi, I like all of the room in the back. But, how does Superman feel about this? I mean, I see that you have a giant inflatable ape that seems pretty excited about it, but I was never a fan of King Kong."

"I'm so glad you asked! Superman just LOVES the 2013 Dodge Ram. He was here the other day, test drove one, and was so impressed with it he flew into space, and turned back time so he could test drive it again!"

"... You wouldn't have just let him test drive it again?"

"He flew away before I had to tell him that of course he could just drive it a bit more. So, you want me to get the contract?"

Commercials for Gillette asking us how Superman shaves. Who cares how Superman shaves? Also, do we want and need to feel that Superman is apart of our actual world? Not that he's living in a made up land called Metropolis, but that we could see him riding the 1 train late for work?

"Superman! What are you doing here?"

"The roads are blocked because of the New York City marathon. I have the same problems as you."

"No you don't! You can just fly above it!"

"... Normally, yes. But I have ten dollars left on this MetroCard, and I don't want it to go to waste. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to pretend that that homeless man doesn't have his pants down... Just... like... you."

It's not just movies, obviously. Commercials showing celebrities tell us about a bank that's great are also infuriating. Jerry Stiller describing the difference between a chequing and a savings account. You loved a show he was in, why not put your money where he tells you too?

"Hey, Jerry. You were great as Mr. Constanza. Ever think of doing your banking with us?"

"... You want to bank with me? YOU GOT IT!"

There was a commercial during Iron Man 3, showing Iron Man was hurt. He's lying on the ground, his helmet comes off, and the next scene, they cut to the Bravocado sandwich from Subway. Iron Mans suit is powered by a six inch sub? I'm sure would have helped him to know at different points in his life.

"Iron Man! We need you!"

"I'm sorry. My suit is out of power. I'm gonna be a min..."

"Oh, no! What do you need to power it? Plutonium?"

"No. I just have to stop by a Subway and get an artist to make me a 6 inch Turkey Bacon sub on Italian Herb and cheese."

"... With tomato?"

"Of course! That's what puts the red in the suit."

Cross promotion should only be done on movies that know one knows about. A movie with a character that we don't all know of. There's no real reason for Captain America to be using Tide. There just isn't.

"I can't get the bullet scratches out of this suit. I've tried everything!"

"Everything? Have you tried Tides new 'Scratches, dents, and bullets detergent'? I washed a tank with it yesterday, when I was done it looked like a Mini Cooper!"

"Well by god. I thought I was going to have to get a new suit and shield! But I can just buy this for $4.99 and wash the dents right out! Thanks, Tide. If Red Skull ever attacks your office, I'll be there."

Cross promotion with movies is really only done with super hero movies, and other movies that are not going to win awards. There's not a lot of Oscar worthy movies that have this kind of promotion.

"We know Lincoln freed the slaves, but what did he do for back pain? Icy/Hot. Goes on icy to dull the pain, then turns hot to sooth it away. See Lincoln in theatres this Friday, and see why he said that 'The best thing about back pain is that Icy/Hot takes it away one day at a time."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Same movies at the same times. Huh?

It doesn't happen every summer, but sometimes if you're lucky – like seeing a shooting star or seeing somebody refuse seconds at a buffet – you'll see it. And when you see it, you'll be shocked, wondering how such a ridiculous mistake could have been made. Two movies that are basically the same in theatres at the same time. How could this be? Does anybody here know the giant mistake they've made!?

"Hey, guys. Do you know that you have two of the same movie playing here?"

"Huh? No. There's no way."

"There is! Look! End of the world movie, and another end of the world movie!"

"...I can't believe. I'm calling Hollywood."

This summer, it appears to be Oblivion and After Earth. Not exactly the same, but close. One is Tom Cruise as a serviceman stationed on an abandoned Earth. Morgan Freeman is around doing something. The other is Will Smith and his son who crash land on Earth one thousand years after all humans have left the planet. So – not IDENTICAL, but two movies in theatres at the same time that are both about characters being on an abandoned Earth?

The posters for these movies even look similar. Tom Cruise head beside Morgan Freeman head. A broken down Earth behind them. Will Smith head beside Will Smith son head, a broken down Earth behind them. Which team will save Earth? Or get off of Earth? Or just deal with the broken down Earth that they have found better than the other team? This happens a decent amount. You'll go to the theatre and see a poster for a movie you swear has already been made.

"'Huge Mother's Apartment'? Huh. That sounds a lot like 'Big Momma's House'. Hmmm, the tagline for the movie says, 'This Movie Is Nothing Like Big Momma's House'. Well, I'm sold!"

Why would Hollywood put out two of the same movies at the same time? Maybe it happens because they want two actors for the same movie, and instead of telling one no, they just write one for him as well.

"You gave WHO the part? But I had promised it to this guy!"

"I'm sorry. I had to make a decision today. I gave it to this guy."

"Well, you're gonna be up all night writing another romantic comedy about two bus drivers because my actor has got to be in one. I promised! How can I promise him a romantic comedy about two bus drivers and not deliver?"

"Well how the hell will I write another romantic comedy about two bus drivers?"

"Different routes? Duh."

"...No wonder you drive a better car than me."

Maybe they just wanted to see what the movie would be like starring two different groups of actors. Ever talked with someone about what it would be like if Sylvester Stallone, or another actor, starred in Jurassic Park? Or some other movie? The ol' "imagine if Arnold was in Police Academy?" conversation. Hollywood is playing that game but actually putting the movies out!

"I've got a movie about magic that Edward Norton is going to star in. It's gonna be big."

"Huh. I wonder what it would be like if Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman starred in it?"

"What? But you haven't even seen the one with Edward Norton yet."

"And I'm sure it'll be great, but hey, Christian and Hugh! Change a few words in your script and I'll get them on the phone."

Hollywood could just be putting out two of the same movie to pit actors against each other. Maybe it's to see who can draw more money. Just put two actors in identical movies at the same time and see which one an audience will go to see.

"These are both very talented men. Who do you think audiences would rather see save a city from a meteor?"

"Huh. I'm not sure. We could put both of them in a movie about meteors and see which one does better at the box office?"

"Wait, make TWO movies about a man saving a city from a meteor, see which one does better at the box office, then reward the actor with the higher grossing film by putting him in ANOTHER movie where he saves a city from meteors?"

"...Do you have a better idea?"

"...You know what? I actually don't. Ah, it really upsets me that I don't."

From asking around, apparently this is done because one movie studio doesn't want another movie studio to have a hit movie that they don't have. So movie studios buy up any type of script that they know other studios have bought up. Your studio buys a script about demonic robots? Another studio will buy a similar script. What's ridiculous is that while one studio puts theirs into production, the other studio gets jealous and does the same thing.

"Huh, starting production on your 'murderous car in small town Iowa' movie starring Liam Neeson? Well, I guess it's time to start production on our 'vengeful motorcycle in medium sized county' movie starring Jason Statham. We'll see whose vehicle does better this summer."

There are many examples of these movies. Here are a few.

Deep Impact / Armageddon. In one movie, Bruce Willis lands on a meteor and blows it up. In the other, Morgan Freeman is the president and the meteor hits earth. One teaches you that Bruce Willis is a hard ass inside or outside the ozone layer, and the shows you that Morgan Freeman would not make a good President.

The Prestige / The Illusionist. One of these movies about magic stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman. Hugh can't figure out how Christian does his tricks and it is driving him crazy. The other stars Edward Norton where he uses magic to win the love of an old flame. Both out in 2006, both at the same time. That's too much magic.

Dante's Peak / Volcano. This pairing could be the best. In Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones lives in LA when a volcano erupts. I would say that he stops it, but how the hell do you stop lava? In Dante's Peak, Pierce Brosnan is chilling on Dante's Peak, which is apparently the second most desirable place to live in America. But it's about to erupt! What will he do? Use his good looks to look at the volcano and say, "Not today, eruption! See how good I look!"

Who knows what the next great pairing of the same movie will be, but you can believe that it's coming.

Twitter@nathanmacintosh