Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Category: "video games"

Talking to my younger self.

I hear people every once in awhile say hat they would say to their younger self if they could. Most times it has to do with going to college, or buying some stock in a super rich company, or telling themselves that algebra is useless. I thought about it, and here are a couple things I'd tell my younger self.

- Playing all this Goldeneye is WORTH IT. Its a great game, great times, and it goes down as one of the best games ever. Every once in awhile someone will bring it up in conversation.
"Man, Goldeneye was great! What a great game!"
You will be apart of that conversation. Skip school, put that difficulty on 00 agent, and remember, grade six and seven aren't really important. You ain't missing nothing. Nobody will EVER ask you if you remember the cheat codes for grade six. Or if you got passed that level in grade seven. I'm dead serious. NEVER.
"Oh, buddy. You're gonna regret me not going to school today."

- Keeping with the theme of video games, you're never going to forget the 'big cheat' code for Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. No, I'm serious. You're going to forget your moms birthday at some point, a girlfriends, but the big cheat? NTHGTHDGDCRTDTRK. Never going anywhere. You'll be in front of the internet one day and not use it to find this! For whatever reason, this damn thing stays with you. You'll even remember what it means. 'On The Eighth Day God Created Turok.' Why the hell does this stay with you?! I don't know, tiny Nathan, but it does.
"I really should have worn a shirt. It looks like it's going to rain crayons."

- Everyone who is a decent human being will one day LOVE your red hair. And better yet, you will. Yes, right now, in grade two, it sucks. These people are dummies and need ANYTHING at all to tear apart. That, my tiny six year old friend, is you. But one day, those same people will think it's cool that you have different hair than the disgusting brown and black hair that they have. They'll realize that EVERYONE has brown and black hair. That sucks, yo! But by that time, who cares! Because you like it. People will actually DYE their hair red! Can you believe it? People hated it so much, then tried to get it. And when that happens, when a girl walks up and says, 'I have red hair too!', and it's this bright, radioactive type red, you get to say, 'that ain't red hair!'
"I was in a chemical explosion in a candy factory. My superpower? Having a hair colour that makes no sense at all. I call it 'Wet Box of NeRdS. Look it up. It's how Mr. Wonka spells it."

- 'Talking back' to teachers, (their terminology), is a goddamn good thing. These people are not Czars. They are not above questioning. They are teachers and should be ASKED QUESTIONS. They use the term 'talking back' when they simply DO NOT want to deal with you. If you are a student they like, or they can answer your question with ease, then you are not 'talking back'. You are just being a student. If they don't like you, or don't want to deal with your question? YOU, sir, are 'talking back'. 'Talking back' gets you sent to the office, suspended, expelled, and one day, one of the most favourite things you will own is an expulsion letter written with nothing but lies. Talk back, son!
"You. Ask me again why I'm holding this tiny satellite thing one more time, and I'm going to beat you with it. Clear? Now shut up and learn."

- Hey, five year old Nathan, don't go into that tree house! You fall out of it, land on a ladder directly on your business, have the worst pain you've ever felt and then pass out. When you wake up, you're naked from the waist down with your mom and a doctor staring at you. The doctor says something about you may not being able to have kids in the future, then makes you run from wall to wall in the room naked to show your mom you'll be fine. Can you have kids? I don't know! Older you hasn't checked that out yet. STAY OUTTA THAT TREEHOUSE!
"Can he have kids? I don't know. Will he forget me making him run naked? Never!"

- The best job you'll have is the job you wanted the least. Working at a fast food restaurant. You'll look back on that place twelve years later and go, 'boom! Great job! All the people there were great! WAY better than working at that call center. Now THAT was trash.' So, don't think you're above the job. Just take it and enjoy. It was a sweet one.
This is the actual A&W that I worked at when I was 16. I stole a bunch of chicken from this place.

- Working at that call center will be TRASH. You're going to work there for two months, call in sick four of the five shifts you have a week, and fake sick on that fifth day. BUT, you're going to walk out one day with a friend of yours. You're going to hang up on people and send them to spanish care. It's a sweet day that you need to experience. TAKE THAT TRASH JOB!
"Hey! Nobody working in a call center smiles like this. If you see someone doing it, it's because they're about to kill themselves, or quit! I'm a paid actor. YOU WILL NOT HAVE FUN HERE!"

twitter @nathanmacintosh

"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.
"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."
"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."
"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"
"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."
"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.
"Can I have a muffin?"
"A muffin?"
"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."
"So a bagel?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."
"What? You want a treat?"
"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.
"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."
"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."
"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"
"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."
Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.
"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."
"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."
<GASPS>
"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."
"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."
"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"
"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"
"Let me go talk to him."
"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.
"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"
"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."
Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.
"She should be punched in the face!"
"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"
"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 
"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.
"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."
"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."
"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"
"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."
"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"
"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.
"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.
"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."
"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."
"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."
"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"
"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.
"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"
"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"
"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."
"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"
"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!
"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"
It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?
"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"
I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!
"Will that be small, medium or large?"
"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Multi-player in video games. What happened?


Video games are one of the greatest things that have ever been created. Multi-player video games? Even more so. Playing a game with human beings that you know? Amazing. This used to be the only way to do it. Then what happened? On-line took over, and way too many games decided to go that route and, in most cases, get rid of the sit-with-someone-and-play option. I am truly not a fan of this.

It used to be that you and a friend could go through a two-player game together. Now? Some games that clearly should be two-player are one-player, and you can only play two-player online. I understand that now with technology we can play with people from all over the world, but why get rid of the 'playing-with-people-beside-you' option!? Why not have the online option as well as a 'play-beside-a-living-breathing-human-being-on-a-couch-with-fun' option? Why!? The latest Ghostbusters is a one-player game unless you are online. Ghostbusters! There are clearly four Ghostbusters that work as a team together, but you have to go through it alone unless you are online? How is that!? The Ghostbusters worked together!
"Egon! Slimer is loose again. We have to go capture him."
"All right, but not together."
"What? What are you talking about? We're a team!"
"I know, I know. But let's try something different. You take this picture of me, go on ahead, and I'll talk to you through this Walkie Talkie."
"How the hell is that going to work? Going as a group always worked so well before."
"Get off the damn group thing, all right?! It's a new day! That was the 80s! Today it's every Ghostbuster for himself."

Look at the back of most video games now and they will say, "One-player, thirty-two players online." Thirty-two online, but only one at home? You can have thirty-two people playing this at the same time from all over the WORLD but can't make it possible for one more to play at home? Why would 'multiplayer-with-humans-at-home' be taken away from us? Do we not want friends over anymore? Is that what it is? We are so tired of our friends that we want to meet new ones online.
"My friends are stupid, boring, arrogant, and loud. Not to mention that they stink! I need to find better friends. More levelheaded, thoughtful, caring, 'put-others-first' type people. And I know just the place to find them. The internet! Won't be wearing your shoes on my new rug anymore, Dennis. From now on, it's all virtual shoes!"

Designers go out of their way to make sure a game feels realistic. They try their hardest to make it feel like when you are playing a war game, you feel like you are at war. How the guns fire, the sound of bullets flying past you, the chaotic feeling. Then, for some ridiculous reason, they decide to take out the actual army part. Where as if you were in an army in real life, YOU WOULD HAVE HUMAN BEINGS BESIDE YOU, the designers decide to get rid of that completely. There is no one beside you. You can't turn and coordinate something with someone in your battalion. Your army is online.
"Sarge, I'm pinned down here! You have to send backup!"
"I'd love to, but I just got word that three of our men had to stop being in the war and go do their homework – also, six others had to leave because their girlfriends came over."
"What? That's ridiculous! This is war! Can we pause this thing?"
"No, no. Only the person who started this war can do that. And he doesn't care about your ranking. Fight on, soldi– mom! I told you I'd be down in a minute! I'm storming the beach right now!"

People used to love to play video games in the same room, and we used to go out of our way to do it. I remember the only way to play Command & Conquer with two players, was to have two systems and two TVs in the same room, AND have two copies of the game. What did we do? We put two systems and two TVs in the same room, AND got two copies of the game! It was a huge mission. It was like when people in movies have to turn their keys at the same time to stop an explosion.
"All right, you ready? Turn your PlayStation on in 3...2..."
"Nick! Where the hell is my TV?!"
"Abort, abort! We've been compromised!"
"If you dragged that TV into your room to watch Bleu Nuit on a bigger screen, I swear to Christ!"

Playing multiplayer online is absolutely terrible. I don't want to play with people who are not in the same room as me. That is not 'co-op'. That is not playing with others. That is sitting alone in a room, pretending that there are others with you. Playing online and saying you are playing with others is the same as listening to your iPod and saying that the band is in your house.
"How was my day? Great! Jay-Z rode the train with me! Isn't that nuts?! And not only that, he did every song from Reasonable Doubt! It was incredible. Then just as I was getting off, Aerosmith showed up and I said, "I'd love to stay, Aerosmith, but I have to go to work." Man, pushy old Aerosmith."
Playing online is not playing with people. You need people to play with other people. People! To play with other people!

People love playing online now. Even people who remember how we used to play together want to play that way. "Add me on PlayStation network. We can play online."
Come to my house! You're twenty-six. What is wrong with you? I know you! Why wouldn't we play in the same room?
"Hey, roommate. You want to play NHL?"
"Sure, man."
"Sweet. I'll take my system across the street and get a hotel room. I'll call you when I'm set up."
"Done! Oh, man. We're gonna destroy these LA Kings."
"You're damn right we will! Hey, you want me to trash the room when we win?"
"You decide. It's your birthday."

Another reason I don't like playing online is because when you’re playing online and wearing a headset, you have to hear commentary by people you play with. Good commentary? Commentary such as, "Whoa! I love this game! I love earth! I love you guys! Where can I donate money to help those in need?" 
Nope. Not at all. Every time I have played online I've listened to people spew racism, telling everyone how terrible black people are. Every single time. Online play should just be called 'racially-charged-multiplayer'.
"Have you ever wanted to play a video game with a friend AND speak your mind about 'the chosen people' but were afraid to do so? Try our 'racially-charged-multiplayer'! Every racist comment you make gives you ten points!"
"Whoa! Thanks, 'racially-charged-multiplayer'!"
"That's not all! If you make two homophobic comments every five minutes of gameplay, the game designers will come to your house and salute you!"
"WOW!"
"Yeah! So tell your 'all men are created equal' believing friends to go to hell because if they don't believe what you believe, they’re going anyway!"

How is this allowed to be? Why are these online servers not shut down when they see that people are talking the way people do in the woods in the south?
"Guys, you're not gonna believe this. But people aren't just playing these games. People are making the most ignorant, racist comments ever."
"...Are they putting down the controller to do so?"
"...We...no, no, they are playing AND making the most ignorant comments ever, but..."
"So they are multitasking?"
"Well... I guess so, but it's no–"
"Multitasking! Put that in the features of the game. This game allows you to multitask."

If you spoke this way constantly in an arcade you'd be arrested.
"Why the hell can't I get drunk and call Pac-Man a Chinaman? He's yellow, god dammit! This is a free country! At least let me bring my beer!"
But online, where people can record everything you say, hate gets thrown. If a website for buying cars eroded into a thirteen year old’s beliefs as to what's wrong with the Jews, that website would be taken down.
"Hector! An eighth-grader called this 2001 Ford Taurus a 'Jew mobile'."
"A new mobile? Well, that's nice of him. It does drive like new."
"No, JEW mobile. He called it a Jew mobile."
"Oh… well, Jews can drive it. He's not THAT misguided. Could you also add that it's a blacks-and-Hispanics mobile as well? Look, I don't care who buys it. Just get it out of here!"

Playing video games online is like playing videogames in a Klan rally.
"First order of business, as it is at all of our meetings, is that every other race of people is inferi... inferi... they just less than us, damn it! Second order of business is that I, Imperial Wizard Chuck, think you guys are working too hard. You need a bit of a break. So I've decided to get everyone their own PlayStation 3 and headset."
"Hot damn! That's great news!"
"Yes, yes. But remember. When you go online, you still have to represent the Klan. You can't just be going on there being nice to people. Keep the hate going!"
"Ah, man. We even have to hate when we relax? Being an Apple genius wasn't this hard. This Klan is kicking my ass."
I've seen game rooms that have titles like "No Blacks Allowed". No blacks allowed! Anytime you put a headset on and play a video game, you will be called a faggot, or you’ll have to listen to someone tell you how all Armenians steal and should be executed on site.
"I just don't trust them! How the hell are they that color and still leave their house? I mean, do they have mirrors? I just got the enemy’s flag! These goddamn Egyptians, too. With their pyramids and their "we used to pray to cats" attitude. Just a bunch of... all right! I got back to base! We can get out of here now! In your face, social norms!"

When I play videogames with actual people, the n-word never gets dropped – and magically, I don't know how, the game is still fun!
"God, I don't know. I had a good time playing this wrestling game with you guys, but something was missing."
"Ya know, I was thinking the same thing? I can't quite put my finger on it. We have chips, drinks, friends, ... a wrestling game. I mean, that last one alone is enough for a great time."
"Yea, yea. We have all of that... wait! Did you mention hate?"
"Hate! Ah, man. How the hell could we forget about the hate?"
"I don't know. But let's head down to the children’s hospital and unleash on them the hate we didn't unleash here."
"Yeah! I've been waiting to tell those kids the truth. Should we bring our white hoods?"
"Wow. Too far, man. These kids are really sick."

It was more fun to play with people in the same room and much less hateful. Let's fight racism by not giving anyone an Xbox live account ever again. Anyone.
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