Every movie has to be two and a half hours?

I remember a time when some movies were an hour and a half. If a movie was two and a half hours, it was usually because the acting was great, it was about a true event, and it was going to be nominated for an Oscar. Now? There's barely a movie that gets made that isn't as long as it takes to cook a pot roast.

"How long should I cook this turkey?"

"Toss Spiderman 3 on. When that's done, throw it out the window and never bring it into this house again. Also, that turkey will be done."

Some movies need to be two and a half hours. Movies about true events where the details and the story are crucial. They could have made Chaplin an hour and a half, but it was about a man's life. Hard to knock out details.

"I want to make movies! That's what I want to do!"

"Okay. Nobody's stopping you. Start making movies!"

"All right, I will!"

'And Charlie made movies. Very popular movies. He was banned from America for some stuff. The end.'

But there are a lot of movies that do not have to be this long.

For example, comedy movies. Why the hell do comedies need to be as long as Amistad? Pretty much every Judd Apatow movie is at least a half hour longer than it needs to be. They are funny, but there's a point when it's just overkill. Save some of the jokes for another movie. Funny People was one hundred and forty-six minutes. Amistad was one hundred and fifty-five. How does a comedy with Adam Sandler need to be nine minutes shy of a movie about the true story of a slave ship?

"Guys, I think I know how to stop racism. If I make a funny movie that's longer than a sad movie about slaves, I can break the curse."

"...What curse?"

"The curse of racism. It's only stuck around because of these long movies. Wait! I have to make this movie longer than Roots! THAT'S where the power of the curse lies! Get the writers back. We need to make this eight hours long. This curse will be destroyed!"

Even comedies that are fantastic don't need to be that long. Dumb and Dumber. That movie is crazy funny. It's one hundred and seven minutes long. And in that one hundred and seven minutes, I was given all of the information and jokes I needed to enjoy that movie. What's missing from it? Would it have been better if there were another forty-five minutes in it?

"That movie was great! It was funny and has one of the best endings ever. But… what happens to them when they walk away from the Hawaiian Tropic bus? Do they get jobs in the next town? Do they ever find love? Does Harry grow out of that ridiculous haircut? So many unanswered questions. I really wish it were longer."

Over the last few years, why have movies started to become so long? Were people complaining that they didn't have enough time to sit in the theatre chairs that lean back?

"Man, JUST when I get my chair leaned into the perfect position, the movie's over. I swear, Hollywood, stop cutting these off as soon as I get comfortable. Or maybe I should learn to get comfortable sooner. Nope, Hollywood's fault."

Were people upset that they didn't have the chance to stay in a building that charges $5.50 for bottled water? Was there a vote taken that people were upset that they weren't given enough time to finish the monstrous Coca Cola slushies and popcorn that they buy?

"Whoa, this is great. I really like thi... credits? What the hell?! I JUST spiked this slushie for the fourth time. Where am I gonna drink this now? In an alley? And how am I going to finish this tub of popcorn! I can't carry this home on the subway with me. I can't have people knowing I eat this much to myself! It has to be eaten in a dark room like everything else that is shameful. Man. They have to start making these longer."

Have they started making every movie long because of the price increase of the movies? Do they feel they owe us more because movies are fifteen dollars now?

"Look, we can't charge fifteen bucks and only give them an hour and a half of movie."

"What if the movie is really good? They'll probably leave with a beautiful feeling and tell everyone to go see it. If we just make it longer for the sake of making it longer, we'll bore them and they won't tell anyone to see it!"

"Answer me this. When have you ever paid fifteen dollars and not stayed in that place for two and a half hours?"

"Buying socks, picking up fruit, eating an upsized Big Mac meal, getting pants hemmed. How many of these do you want me to name?"

"That's enough. Now, if you had bought socks and could sit down and try them on for two and a half hours in a dark room with OTHER people who are doing the same thing, wouldn't you feel that you got your money's worth?"

"...No! There honestly couldn't be anything I can think of that would be worse. Why would anyone want to do that?"

"Because while you do that you can watch Tom Cruise do stuff! Drive cars. Blow things up. Do you see?!"

"...I... can't...I can't even... I have to leave."

Are movies longer now because most that come out are really bad? Is that it? There are some good movies coming out for sure, but there are a LOT of bad ones as well that still don't pull out at the hour and a half mark.

"All right, the movie is done and edited, and let me tell you – it stinks."

"What's wrong with it?"

"The story, the actors, the editing. The last one is my fault, but when you see a story and actors that are this bad, you don't care about editing it well."

"Oh, man. This is bad. People are going to hate it… I know! We'll make it longer, so they don't feel like they are getting ripped off!"

"...Whoa! I love that idea! How can you complain something was bad if you get a lot of it? It's like if you complain about your two-piece at KFC, and they give you six more pieces! The other six are still trash, but it's MORE OF THEM!"

"Exactly. So throw it all in. Continuity errors, boom mics in the shot, flubbed lines. We'll keep them in the theatre so long, they'll love it!"

The two and a half hour movie is becoming such a staple that soon people will probably be upset if theirs isn't that long.

"How was the movie?"

"Total rip! It was only an hour and forty minutes. Great movie, but come on? I mean, I paid for a babysitter! She's just gonna make thirty bucks for two hours of work?"

"...I'm the babysitter. You are talking to me."

"...Oh ...Yeah. Sorry. Do you mind if I give you the thirty next week? I bought Milk Duds... You want a Milk Dud?"

When is this long trend going to catch on with TV? I'm waiting for half hour sitcoms to become marathons.

"Did you see The Big Bang Theory last night?"

"Are you serious? I don't have a spare hour and a half."

"Man, it was a good one. The gang lost their apartment, got it back, beat ALL of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ON CAMERA, AND lost all of their virginities with a duration of five minutes each. It was epic. Took them an hour alone to get out of the water temple. With commercials! Just amazing."

Most movies do not need to be this long at all. We don't spend this much time on other things that are interesting. People can get through a zoo in less than two and a half hours. A zoo! A place that has beautiful, exotic, live animals. We can get all that we need out of that place in about an hour.

"Huh, look at that. A rhino. Never saw that before... All right, we ready to go home?"

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?

Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.

"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."

"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"

"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"

The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 

"Open Happiness."

Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?

"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."

"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."

"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"

"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."

"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"

"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!

"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>

"He's not breathing!"

"Get me a defibrillator!"

"Clear!"

<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>

"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>

"That's it, we've lost him."

Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.

"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"

"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"

"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"

"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"

"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."

"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"

"HAHAHHAH!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.

"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"

A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.

"What are we doing today, coach?"

"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."

"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"

"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?

"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"

"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."

"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.

"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"

"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.

"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"

"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."

"Here you go. <cough cough>"

"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.

"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"

"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"

"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"

"They have those!?"

"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh