Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

Trailers for the Dark Knight Rises

Movie trailers are a constant in this world. I love them. I wish that before a movie played, instead of the celebrity trivia they show, old trailers were played.

"In what year did Jennifer Aniston first say, "No, I'll have salad instead of fries", thus making her bankable as an actress for years to come?

A. 1998

B. 1969

C. 1987 or

D. Inside her mother’s womb with a well-placed kick?"

"I don't care! Play the Back to the Future trailer!"

I think trailers are great. But there are some trailers that are incredibly useless. In this case, trailers for The Dark Knight Rises. Are these useful at all? Trailers for a movie so anticipated that I'm sure people would miss their kid’s baptism for it? I don't think so.

The Dark Knight Rises is so long awaited and known about, that trailers for it are ridiculous. We know about it! We have known since the end of the last movie in 2008. The ending to that movie was a trailer itself for this movie. A four-year-old trailer! That is the only trailer that is needed! We knew a series could not end that way, so we were anticipating another movie.

Was there anyone who thought that a Batman franchise would end with Batman speeding away out of Gotham City? Was there anyone who thought that was a possible ending?

"Well, what a movie. I guess that's it then. Batman is going to hit the beach for a few years. I wonder if he'll take his mask off on the surf. Gotta be hot in there on a cold day, but in the sun? Whoa. I don't envy the guy. Well, yeah I do. He's got gadgets and can fight and is pretty badass. But that suit? It's gotta be boiling. Have a good vacation, Batman! Way to stop The Joker."

Trailers are used to entice people into seeing a movie. Completely useless in this case. Who out there who has seen the other two is on the fence about seeing this?

"Man, I don't know. I loved Batman Begins; The Dark Knight was one of the greatest things I'd ever seen, but a third one? Geez, I just don't know if I have that kind of excitement to give. I mean, I spent it all on the last two! I haven't been excited for anything for four years. I had a kid – it didn't even faze me. I won the lottery – I yawned! I'll have to see some trailers to spark my interest and hopefully get some excitement back."

If you need a trailer, you don't deserve to see this movie. That should be part of the process of buying a ticket.

"Welcome to the theatre. How did you hear about The Dark Knight Rises?"

"Oh! I was on YouTube and I watched a trailer and it looked really neat!"

"Did you know about it beforehand?"

"Nope, that's why I'm excited there was a trailer. I mean without that, I'd have no ide–"

"Sorry, sir. You can't come in. See, there are real fans out here – ones who have been waiting since July 20th, 2008 to see this movie. They don't need any, "I only kinda want to be here"s in their theatre."

"...But I have money. I really want to..."

"Your money is no good here, sir! It takes a level of dedication that you simply do not have. I suggest you back away or buy a ticket for Madea’s Witness Protection."

Also, why would anyone want trailers? Is there nothing to be said for going into a movie you are excited to see and not knowing one thing about what is going to happen or be seen? Does anyone remember the trailer for Jurassic Park? It was amazing! There was a puddle of water, some stomping noises, a giant T-Rex foot stepped in the puddle, then a roar and that was it! Jurassic Park! It was amazing! Who the hell needed more than that?

"Hmmm, so it's a movie about dinosaurs, but what are they DOING? I mean, is it a movie with TALKING dinosaurs? Do they have jobs? I don't know. I'm not sold."

I don't understand why anyone would want a trailer. You're going to go, it's going to be great, why ruin that?

"I can't wait to see this movie! But I'd also like if for every month for five months, I was shown a different two-minute compilation of the movie, so that slowly but surely I can see the whole thing before I go. If only they had started showing trailers three years ago, then I could have seen the whole movie in annoying, two-minute chunks!"

Why do these trailers need to show so much? Why! Why show anything? We're going! You got that, Nolan? We're going! I cannot stress this enough. Doesn't matter if you just sent people from town to town yelling in the streets.

"Dark Knight is now here. Hear ye, hear ye – Dark Knight is out! Gather ye young'uns and head down the road to your nearest CinemaTech. Will be a righteous time, wouldn't you say? What what and all that."

We'd be going. We'd go if there was no mention of the release date at all, and one day we were just walking by a theatre and saw that it was out.

"Holy hell! I had no idea! I'm skipping work right now! I'll pick my kid up later! My friend can help himself move! That meeting can exist without me! I'll go to that wedding tomorrow! My wife can drive herself home from that operation! I'm going to this movie!"

And if you are going to show trailers, why not keep the same type of trailer you had for the last one? The floating bat shape with a few words being said, a Joker laugh, and then the date? Why not the same for this one? They did have that and then they decided that wasn't enough.

"I don't know if the Bat Signal floating into focus, Batman’s clear, audible voice speaking, Bane saying 'I will break you', and Alfred saying something 'Alfredy' is enough for people. Will they even know what it is? What if they mistake this for another Madagascar movie?"

"The Bat Signal can only mean one thing. Batman!"

"Yeah... I get that, but... I don't know. I just think we should spell it out a bit more, ya know? Really hit home what movie this is."

"...It's called The Dark Knight Rises! It has the Bat Signal! What the hell else could it be?"

"Look, just to be safe, let's just show the last scene of the movie in its entirety, credits and all, so that people will know for sure it's Batman."

"That's it! I quit! You have pushed me to quit."

"Sooo I get my way then? Goodbye, trailer hoarder! Don't let all the trailers I'm going to show hit you on the ass on the way out!"

The best part is that the trailers are completely useless because we would go no matter what they were. ANYTHING could be shown to us and we would go.

"This summer, the trilogy ends. Batman faces his toughest opponent yet. Bane. But before that, he has to face an old love that will not die. He hangs up his bat suit and picks up... a baker’s uniform! That's right. Before Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed, the young boy always thought of becoming a baker.

"Heat up the oven, Alfred. I feel a marble rye coming on."

This summer – The Dark Knight Rises... Bread."

People would still go see that! I guarantee it.

"Whoa, that looks completely awful. But, man, I'm two-movies deep in a three-movie franchise. I'd be an idiot NOT to go! If Batman puts cake batter in Bane’s serum pack I'll puke, but I will finish that movie."

Not knowing what is going to be in a movie at all can be great. I was told about Cloverfield by a friend. I hadn't heard anything about it.

"Do you want to go see Cloverfield? It's a monster movie and in the trailer the Sta–"

"Yes! You're damn right I want to see that!"

That's all I needed. Monster movie. I loved that movie, and one reason is because I was excited by concept alone and had not seen one second of it before I went in! I didn't have one of those moments where I remembered what I had seen already.

"Nice, the part that I watched on my phone two months ago! It for sure looks better here on a bigger screen. Oh, there's the part I watched on my iPad on the train. Man, it's sure great not to have a man’s crotch in my face while watching it. Oh, wait! Here's the part I watched over that guy’s shoulder in line at McDonalds. It's sure great to see it without someone yelling, 'What the hell is wrong with you, man! Stop breathing over my shoulder!'"

What is their reasoning for Dark Knight trailers? Are they upset that not every human on the planet saw that last one?

"You know, the last Batman movie we put out was only seen by three quarters of the planet."

"Jesus, that's it?"

"I know, gross, huh? What do you have to do!"

"I am both insulted and shocked. Even outraged! Let's have more trailers for this one! Maybe that was the problem. If the tribesmen of New Guinea don't buy tickets, it'll be a waste! I want penguins buying tickets for Christ’s sake! Every mammal, reptile, man, woman, child, born and unborn will see this! Also, see if we can put movie screens in rocks and send them down to New Guinea. And for God’s sake, put some theatres in the 

Antarctic for the penguins! They'll buy tickets and then have nowhere to see the movie. Have you even THOUGHT about the penguins?!"

"Ya know, I hadn't! How dumb was I. I was missing that penguin money!"

"It is a very valuable dollar."

I understand making trailers for movies that no one knows about. For instance, the movie that just came out, Savages. Savages hasn't been a comic book since the forties. It isn't a movie franchise. We didn't grow up loving it. It makes sense that they need to let us know about that movie. But a movie like The Dark Knight Rises? Come on. I have been nothing but angry to see trailers or hear people say, "Man, you gotta see this part with Bane." I'm going to the goddam movie! I'm convinced, all right! I need no more convincing. I was convinced as soon as it was announced that it was coming out.

"We are pleased to announce that in 2012, there will be a new Batm–"

"Nice! I'm there!"

"You didn't even let me finish."

"You said 'Bat', brother. Wooo! I'm in! Can I get a ticket now?"

I think that if you are seeing another movie, and if before it they are going to play a trailer for a movie like The Dark Knight Rises, they should let people know about it. There was a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises before The Avengers. Let people know you are going to show a trailer so we can leave!

"Ladies and gentleman, before we show you The Avengers, we are going to show a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. If you like enjoyment on any level, some degree of surprise, and don't live your life based off of things written in 140 characters, we suggest you leave the theatre now. 

However, if you hate surprise, love opening presents on December 21st and think 210 characters is far too long, feel free to sit and continue never letting your friend finish a story until he trims it to 'Twitter length'."

Every trailer for this movie is useless, but if they have to do them, here are a couple that could have been done and not ruined anything in the movie. How about just shots from the last movie?

"Hey, remember this? One of the greatest things ever, huh? Well, we made another one! Come on down!"

How about just berating the audience? Just a black screen with someone talking down to us.

"Yo, loser. How the hell are you? Look, your partner's ugly, your kids are stupid, but you know what? This weekend we're releasing a new Batman movie we made! Does that help the depression subside a bit? Kill yourself! ...After seeing this movie."

Or even a complete attack on us?

"Fuck you! ...The Dark Knight Rises. July 20th."

Also, am I the only one who is a little nervous about this movie? I expect it to be good, but I dislike that Bane is not alone in this. Bane’s story is second only to The Joker. Why must Bane always be saddled with someone? Why can't he have his own story? It makes as much sense as Spiderman 3.

"You know, Venom is pretty much the coolest character that Spiderman faces."

"I know! I'm really excited. Let's throw in the Sandman as well."

"What...? Why? Venom is strong enough and cool enough that he could be in this movie on his own."

"I'm really not convinced. Let's throw another character in there to help him out."

"Nobody has been waiting to see Sandman! Since the franchise started, people have been waiting for Venom. He has one million Twitter followers!"

"Ahhh, I'd like to trust you, but does Venom come in at night and help you sleep? Does Metallica have a song called ' Enter Venom'? Nope. Sandman stays."

And to be saddled with Catwoman? Catwoman! I'm nervous. I would only really be happy if they showed Catwoman as Batman was driving down the street.

"Hey look, there's Catwoman!"

"Roar!"

"Whoa. Happy I didn't stop. All right, onto fighting real threats."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh