Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

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Man losing his penis.


I read the news on a pretty consistent basis. Not every day, but I browse and like to know what's going on. Not for material or anything, just to get out of conversations with people I don't want to talk to.
"My head is actually a cheese radio. Want to ride?"
"...You hear about the Facebook stock? Something, huh? All right, well, goodbye."
But I read one story this week that really affected me. A story that I think needed to be longer and more popular than it was. A story of a man who had to have his penis amputated due to a flesh-eating disease.

That's right. That's what I said. A flesh-eating disease was eating this man’s penis, so he had to have it amputated. Thought you were having a bad day? This week a little tough? Talk to this man.
"My job is killing me! I have to go in early every day this week, and the train’s not even working this week! Just terrible. You know what I mean, sir?"
"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you – when you do get to work, do you have your penis?"
"What? Of course I do. What makes you think that I wou—"
"Yeah, of course you do! OF COURSE YOU DO! Love it! Hug it! It could be gone tomorrow. HUG IT!"
"...You're scaring me..."
"BE SCARED! Maybe a flesh-eating disease will attack it! Maybe you'll have to have it removed!"
"Okay, you're right! My life isn't that bad. I'm going to work even earlier, and staying later! You've reinvigorated me!"
"...Where's my penis?"

The story alone is scary, but what is equally as scary – is the way they decided to tell it. In my opinion, it was much too short for the gravity of this situation. Here is the entire article.

/A man who lost his penis to flesh-eating bacteria after penile implant surgery was unsuccessful in suing the anesthesiologist who'd cleared him for the procedure. Enrique Milla was 60 when he underwent surgery in 2007 to correct erectile dysfunction, but had to have his penis amputated after he developed a gangrenous infection about nine days later, according to the report by Courthouse News Service. Milla sought millions in compensation because, he contended, Dr. Laurentiu Boeru overlooked his diabetes and high blood pressure, which would impede his recovery, the report said. A Miami jury cleared Boeru Tuesday in deciding he had not been negligent. Milla previously settled out of court with Dr. Paul Perito, the urologist who performed the operation, CNS said./

That's it! That's the whole article! Courteney Cox will eat a cheeseburger and her picture will end up on the cover of a magazine with a huge article inside.
'A friend of Courteney's said she recommended other lunch options.'
"I kept saying to her, what about a salad? Why get the cheeseburger – WITH bacon? She wouldn't listen. Will this end her career? I don't know. I wouldn't put her in a movie after what I saw. Cheese AND bacon. Just wow."
A cat will be taken out of a tree, and there will be an article with interviews, a history on the tree, even thoughts from the cat.
'CAT WITH ATTITUDE RESCUED FROM HIGH ALTITUDE'.
"Ya know, I've been living next to that cat for four years, and truthfully? I always thought he had it in him to get up that tree. I mean, look at his front paws! Those are tree-climbing paws."
'The cat was rescued around 7:45pm after being in the tree for what officials are calling 'a couple of minutes'. The cat’s owner knew something was awry.'
"Yeah, I was worried. I looked around my house and thought, "That's weird. Mr. Buttersnuggle is usually right here on the floor at this time." But he wasn't. And that alarmed me, ya know? Just alarming. I love Buttersnuggle... where the hell was he, I thought?"
'After being taken down from the tree, Mr. Buttersnuggle was anything but happy.'
"You think you're a hero, huh? Waking me up like that? Jesus. Is there not a fire that you could be stopping? You know I'm a cat, right? I got up there, I can get down. Get that camera out of my face! I haven't bathed yet!"
'The oak tree that Mr. Buttersnuggle was in had exactly forty-seven branches on it before firefighters had to climb up to rescue the feline from this altitude. After Mr. Buttersnuggle was taken down? Forty-five branches. A sad day for plants and mother earth, but a happy day for animal life and mother animals.'

These stories get full coverage, but a man’s penis having to be amputated due to a flesh-eating disease? That story gets a paragraph and a half? A horror movie come to life and it's as long as three tweets?
"Nothing else to discuss here, folks. Just arguably one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a man, happening to a man due to one of the scariest diseases that anyone could contract, but really, what else is there to say? Nothing, that's what. Flip to the Comics section. That's where the real entertainment is. Wash this bad-feeling article down with a Dilbert story."
There's a lot more to say! A lot!

One, WHY was the surgeon not liable at all? He sued the surgeon and lost. Lost! Lost completely. Not only did he not get what he was asking for, he got nothing. Nothing! How did that happen?
"Your Honor, I lost my penis and it's because of that man."
"What happened?"
"Well, I tried to have him fix my erectile dysfunction and he..."
"Wait, wait. Did you say erectile dysfunction?"
"Yes, that's why..."
"Hahaha. Wow. You have erectile dysfunction?"
"Well, not anymore. I don't even have a..."
"Get a load of this guy, courtroom! Erectile dysfunction! Hahahaha. Oh, man. That is rich. Case dismissed due to the fact that you're not a man. Erectile dysfunction. Wow."
His penis was chopped off, and the only alternative was to have it eaten away with the rest of his body, and he lost this case? Lost the whole thing? This surgeon has to have some sort of responsibility. Shouldn't he have to give him some money out of his pocket at least? At least, the very least, he should be sentenced to take him out to dinner.
"Look, I'm really sorry about your penis. But hey, now you can think with your brain, huh? Haha. Just kidding... it's really just a joke that women would like anyway... and clearly you are not in the mood for such... more breadsticks?"

Another question. He settled out of court with the urologist, but for how much? I think that part of the story should be told. I wonder because I'd like to know – what is the price of never having a penis again? How much money are you okay settling for when you have lost your penis forever?
"Look, man. We need to talk. You messed up and now I have no Thunder Hammer!"
"Is that what you called it?"
"Yeah... no good? Look, not the point! I lost it and I think you owe me money for that. I say one million dollars."
"One million? For a penis? No way."
"What?! That's fair. For my Mic Stand? ...Another nickname. Doesn't matter, you owe me money!"
"Look, I have twenty dollars in my pocket."
"Ah, man... All right, do you have change for parking? It's costing me a lot to come to your office."
"No, just a twenty."
"Dammit! If I still had my Wand of Wonder – I'd hit you with it!"
"That is for sure the best nickname you had for it."
"Thank you."

There should be a tax that you pay into incase something like this happens. Same as retirement, there should be a lost penis fund. I'd assume after something like this you would just want to go on a permanent vacation. Going to work ever again? I think not.
"Where have you been all this week? You missed Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and no calls at all? Who do you think you are?! Do you even want this job?"
"Look, I had a flesh-eating disease that ate my penis. I'm sorry that I..."
"Whoa! You had me at flesh-eating disease! I'm going to give you MY paycheck from now on. Stay up, man. Well, not up. Jesus. Sorry!"

Also, a flesh-eating disease? We can still contract these and we don't have cures?! Why are people still making iPhones?! Why are scientists still trying to figure out random things about dinosaurs? We could be eaten from the inside out! This isn't top priority on the 'Bacteria/Diseases To Find Cures For' list? It should at least be top five.
"Okay, I think I've done it! I may just have discovered that dinosaurs might actually have been the first creatures on the planet to dance!"
"Wait, what? THAT'S what you're working on? You know there's a bacteria out there that will eat your flesh?"
"Well, yes, I do know that. But look!  Dinosaurs could have..."
"...You still talking about this? Flesh-eating bacteria, man! Higher importance. Some guy could lose his penis to this! I don't care if the dinosaurs invented the hammer dance!"
"...Please, T-rex, don't hurt 'em..."
"...Okay, funny. But come on!"

Of all the ways to lose your penis, this has to be the scariest way to do so. There are some other ways. You could get it caught in a VCR.
"Agh! WHOA! Only thing worse than this pain is the pain of knowing I'm feeling it because I was rewinding 'Ernest Scared Stupid'. WOW!"
A piranha could bite it off.
"Jumping, Christ! Why is there a piranha in this box of crackers?!"
"Oh, yeaaahhhhh. I was gonna mention that. Meant to say, 'Don't go in the kitchen naked, there is a piranha loose in there.' You weren't naked were you?"
"...Agh, dear God! I am. Not even a good idea with the crackers alone, but God! RARELY do you think there will be a piranha able to breathe air roaming your kitchen. My fault, I suppose. Protect yourself at all times."

Am I the only one who feels for this guy? Lost it after sixty years? The man owned it for sixty years, and then boom! No more, and he gets a paragraph and a half and no money? If it were a baby who had to have his penis amputated at birth, we'd all be upset.
"What a travesty! That baby had to lose his penis because it was so crooked that during an erection there would be absolutely no way that it wouldn't completely wrap around his left leg, cutting off circulation, and killing it. Wow, just a shame."
We'd all feel bad, and that baby would never have even used it! The baby would not have even known how great having one could be. This sixty-year-old man does! He's been down the road, up the road, off the road, and through the woods with his penis. I'm assuming at sixty, anyway.

The man is sixty years old and has to live the rest of his life with no penis. None. None! After sixty years! That's insane. I've had one for only twenty-six years, and I can tell you, I can't live the rest of my life without it. And it's not because of sex, or because I want to put it in other things, or because I like touching it, it's just... come on! No penis at all? Nothing? That's huge. If this guy had lost his arm because a doctor tried to give him a bionic elbow and it came to life and was going to attack his nervous system if it wasn't removed, this blog would not exist.
"There you are, sir. Your bionic elbow should be working just fine. 
Actually, better than fine! You should be able to throw a ball just as fast as that kid in Rookie of the Year!"
"Oh, gee, thanks, doc. That's great. You know, I've had terrible things to say about your profession over the years, but in times of need, you guys real–"
"GREETINGS, HUMANS! I AM ELBOW, AND I AM HERE TO DESTROY THE MAN I AM ATTACHED TO!"
"Ohhhh, Gooooddddd!"
"Ahhhhh! Only one thing to do! I'll have to saw off your whole arm!"
"I CANNOT BE REMOVED. ONCE I AM ATTACHED, I AM <sawing sounds> I... CAN'T... I CAN'T... I HAVE BEEN BESTED. DAMN BARBARIC MEDICAL TECHNIQUES."
"Whoa. I apologize, sir. That had to happen. Your arm was going to take you out."
"...I understand. Thank you. Now, can you stitch it up before the adrenaline wears off and I feel the pain?"
"Gotcha... bionic arm again? Haha. Just kidding."
"Please hurry. It's starting to hurt."

However, that's not what happened. A man lost his penis due to a FLESH-EATING DISEASE. I just wanted that to be said again.
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