There are no more men on the planet.

No males in my generation want to be men. Why do I say this? I met an extractor. His quote?

"Have you seen the movie Taken? That's what I do."

That is a man. He goes to foreign countries to retrieve people who have been kidnapped. Not only does he go, but he comes back. Comes back! That's a man. When he's not doing that, he's a bodyguard for Saudi princes and people like Ralph Lauren. And before all of this? He was a New York City drug cop in the eighties.

Boom. Full man. He's been a man for decades! 

I could have talked to that guy for hours. Talk to men of this generation?

"Oh, I'm a web developer."

"I work in advertising."

"I re-tweet things for companies."

That last one is a job? Unbelievable. Men of older generations wanted to make an honest living. Men now want to make money by making statements in 140 characters – by making videos or taping a friend getting hit in the nuts with a voiceover of what the pole says.

"Whoops, that guy’s nuts are coming down on my head. One of us is gonna feel this! Won't be me, I'm made of metal!"

Even if men do want to be a cop, or join the army, it's never for the good reasons that people used to do it for. 

"The money is good!"

"Having a gun would be sweet!"

"I saw it in a video game!"

No men want to get dirty anymore. Everyone wants to look perfect and smell good.

"Change that tire? Didn't Steve Jobs create something to do that before he died? He didn't? Well, then that's what I'll focus on. Re-animating Steve Jobs so he can make that thing. Does my iPhone re-animate?"

Men created electricity, light bulbs, and the telephone. Men of this generation?

"Hey! I made an app that allows me to tell other people where I am! Pretty sweet, huh? You check in, you win things. I'm the mayor of your house! I just raised the tax! Get out of your house!"

I'm guilty of not being a man. Am I a man? No. I write, say funny things, and take on no real responsibility so I can continue to do so. Is that going to help me if I'm lost in the woods? Is that going to scare off a bear?

"Oh, man. A bear! Hey, hey, you like funny situations?"

"ROAR!"

"Wooo, tough crowd."

Being a man doesn't just mean doing "manly" things. Chopping wood, building Chevy trucks with your bare hands, all while drunk on whiskey and hollering at women. No. What being a man does mean, though, is taking on some sort of responsibility. Being accountable for something. No men of my generation want that anymore. No one wants kids. No one wants a job that pays anything less than what a basketball player makes. No one wants to have any commitments that could stop him from watching Breaking Bad.

"Mom’s funeral? God, did she have to die today? She knew I was doing a Breaking Bad marathon!"

Mark Zuckerberg, for example. Arguably, the leader of my generation. Multi-billionaire, website designer, Facebook creator. Man? Absolutely not. Let's look at what he really created. He created something that brings us all together, right? No! Mark Zuckerberg created a site that allows men to look at women's beach photos, allows people to never really break up because you can always find out what the other person is up to, and a site that now just throws around pictures with "funny" captions. Would a man create this? Would a man create something that takes up all your time and annoys you? No! Had a man been around when this was being made, it would be different.

"There! Done. Just added the "Poke" button."

"Uh huh. Where is the "Work" button?"

"There is no work button! Facebook is meant to take a break."

"You know what a good break is... work! Add a work button, then get to work!"

Men who take on responsibility are really needed in this world. I believe most men can attest to this. Date a girl who had a good relationship with her dad. For the most part, she is a very well adjusted person.

Date a girl who doesn't have a good relationship with her dad? Wow. Most times? A complete train wreck that relationship will be.

"Who just called you?! WHO JUST CALLED YOU?!"

"It was my cousin."

"That slut cousin Susan?"

"She's family!"

"She wants to sleep with you! I know she does! Oh, god. Why do you like to do this to me?"

"What the hell is going on? Why are you crying?"

"Fuck you! Just fuck you! I love you – that's why! Please don't leave... get the fuck out of here!"

There was a generation of men that did stick around and help raise families. Then for some reason, a generation of men who just split! Not all, but a ton! And those guys made it hard to be a man, because they messed up so much, and to such a high degree, that they raised the bar to a point that even if you are a good man, no one cares at all. A single mom can say, "I have a job and I raise my baby on my own." The world goes, "She's a warrior." A man? "I have a job and I raise my baby on my own." "Yeah? While you're whining right now, who’s taking care of your kid? Suck it up and go to hell."

If the pioneers had known that they were finding new land and building on it so that one day men could see how many head shots they could rack up online, they would have stopped.

"What? I'm gonna cut down these trees while I have scurvy so that one day a thirty two year old man can talk to a thirteen year old through a headset and be called a loser? I don't think so. I'm going to lay down and die right here."