Sometimes I have to travel, and sometimes, the easiest way to get there is the bus. Is it the worst way? Yes. As soon as I get off, every time I say, "Never again will I do that to myself. Never again." Then I go talk to a therapist about how the trip ruined me mentally.
"I thought it would be pleasant, ya know? I thought it would just be me sitting down being taking somewhere. I mean, how bad could it be? HOW BAD COULD IT BE?! OH, GOD!"
The worst job in the world has got to be Greyhound bus driver. Unless your second job is ditch digging, there’s nothing worse than that.
"Goodbye, honey! I'm driving from nine to five today, then pulling over and digging a hole for nine hours. See you later! I know these are both terrible jobs, but someone has to do them! I really hope I fall into the hole I've dug! Bye!"
A Greyhound bus breaks down just about every time I've ever taken one. The only person who benefits from this is the driver, since – his job just broke down. His job! Think about how awesome that is!
"Listen, I'd love to work, but we just lost power. What do you mean, “Am I serious?” I'm driving a Greyhound bus! You don't think these break down?"
Greyhound doesn't have the same security system as other travel options do. People who we wouldn't let on a plane? Greyhound takes them. There is always some animal on the bus who has probably choked two women at the same time with one hand. It's almost a prerequisite. If he's not there, that bus ain’t moving.
"Where the hell is the guy who society forgot? All right, we're waiting, guys."
"Ah, come on! Let's move this thing."
"Hey, hey. Take it up with him, all right? I don't make the Greyhound rules. A demon from hell does and I don't think you want to talk to him."
When you are on a Greyhound, sometimes there is more than one of these guys on the bus and it feels as though you stepped onto the bus that takes criminals to prison.
"What's up, fresh fish? What are you going away for?"
"...Umm, I have a wedding to get to and this is the cheapest way?"
"Ha! Hear you, man. I didn't do anything either. I'm innocent, too. I'm innocent, all right! I'M INNOCENT!"
"Umm, we're not going to prison."
"Want to make a break for it, huh? I like you! WE'RE NOT GOING TO PRISON!"
How can we have phones that do everything – everything! But the bus is still a vehicle that is as comfortable as a hot rock in Calcutta? The only time the bus was comfortable was when the title 'blacksmith' was given to people. And that was at a time when people rode horses! Animals! Of course a bus was more comfortable than that.
"This is great! I just sit here and I get to where I'm going! I don't have to kick the sides of the bus or feed it. Nothing! Thank you, advancement."
Greyhound’s customer service is hilarious. You don't want to call, but sometimes you think, "My trip was supposed to be six hours, and it took two and a half weeks. I should call someone about this."
"Hey, I had a trip that was six hours late. Anything that can be done about this?"
"Did you finally get to your destination?"
"Then the trip was completed. Thanks for calling Greyhound."
"But it was six hours late?!"
"Do you know what you took? GREYHOUND. It's a bus from the past. Understand?"
There are no short trips on Greyhound either. Even if there should be. Even if you have a trip that is a straight line, right down a highway, straight shot – they will go the longest way possible and stop at gas stations, chicken coops, and mail boxes.
"Your trip today should only be an hour. It’s too bad for seventeen hours we will not even head in the right direction. Nope, we have to go down to the Atlantic Ocean, pick up one lone fisherman who has decided to change career paths, stop at every gas station and gift shop along the way – there and back – then maybe have you where you need to be."
Greyhound has ads that say, "Get To Know America Better." Yeah, you don't know this America. Have you seen it from a comfortable seat in a car? Or maybe walking around being able to stretch and stop whenever you want? That's not how you do it! Scrunch yourself into a dirty 1970's polyester seat beside someone else who’s thinking, "Wow, I've made a lot of mistakes." That's how you get to know America.
Greyhound shouldn't be able to charge you more than ten dollars for a trip. Should be illegal.
"This trip is going to be a hundred dollars."
"Oh, cool! The TVs work on this one, I'm guessing?"
"Oh... well, the seats are more comfortable?"
"...Okay. Then I'll have two seats to myself?"
"You won't even have one to yourself."
"Well, then what do I get?"