Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Cell phone companies/call centers

Everyone has a cell phone. We all have them, so the call centers we have to call to get help should be great, right? Right! We're all customers here. But alas, they are just horrible. And I say from experience, not only calling them, but working there as well. I worked at a call center for a cell phone company for one month. My soul screamed every day and threatened to commit suicide. Cubicles, florescent lights, white walls, sad people all around, people who for some reason are happy to be there, and a manager who constantly walks around saying things like, "You miss a hundred percent of the calls you don't take, guys! Pick it up!"
Most people who work in a call center would love to be hit in the face by a meteor. I took the road of calling in sick 4 out of my 5 shifts a week. 



I get it, working there is awful, but calling in is just as awful. These companies do not care. When you have an actual problem with your phone or service, they put you on hold for hours.
"Oh, the buttons blew right off your phone for no reason? Man, too bad. Let me put you on hold for an hour while I connect you to the 'button blow-off' department."
When you want to pay money, though? They're pretty good about answering that call. "Oh, let me take care of that for you. Payment Department? Hahaha, no, we can all except funds. Yeah, anything. Whatever you have, we want it. The other day I accepted teeth a grave robber had dug up. Oh, you're also experiencing reception problems? Eeeeek! Let me put you on hold."



The beginning of the call they try to make it seem as if they have a heart. As if they care about your time.
"We're experiencing a higher-than-normal wait time. Please be patient."
Thanks for the warning, but no, you're not. These are pretty normal. It's always a long wait!  I've never heard,
"Wow! We're experiencing a shorter-than-normal wait time. Apparently everyone else gave up after waiting for two hours and hung up. You're lucky: you're going right in!"

These positive reinforcements keep coming as you wait.

"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us." 


The part that is cut out of this recording is the snickering that was done right after it was said.
"Your call is important to us. HAHAHAHA."

"Oh, that's funny. Imagine a guy sitting there who has to go out, but also has to talk to us, getting angry, and he hears 'Your call is important to us?' Because, it's totally not! It's like saying it's not you, it's me! I just wish there was a way we could see their faces!"

Just say what should be said.
"Listen, we're upset that you have a problem and had to call. Do you always want to work? Of course not. It's gonna take a while, because the person who should answer this works in a cubicle with florescent lights screaming down on them for 10 hours, so they may have gone to get a Mars bar. And look at that attractive person at the end of their row, who's beside the really unattractive person who thinks this fluorescent-lit, working-in-a-cube thing is a good job. So, just hold the phone, all right?"

Not one cell phone company cares about you, no matter how many smiling dogs or "regular"-looking people they have paid to say "We love the service!" I know actors need jobs, but Jesus. And if these people are actual real humans who just love the service, they should be beaten to death in the mall, right in front of a kiosk while shopping for cell phone covers.
"I love my cell phone provider! I mean, they let me call people! And I'm just like you! You like wearing dress shoes with jeans, right? Me too! So you should get this plan, too. We could be besties! I'm actually going to take everything out of my house, paint it white and just have blue furniture! ... Ummm, what are you doing with those baseball bats?"
 
We get mad at the person who answers the phone. The person who answers the phone gets mad at us. Think of this: this horrible cell phone company has gotten humans to fight each other! We call them and go, "God, you guys in this call center are terrible!" They sit and talk about callers: "Man, the people whocall here are so dumb. I mean, it only took me five weeks of training to find out that you have to hold the on button for exactly five seconds then toss it in the air when it freezes. Why can't they figure it out?"
It's not their fault or our fault! It's the CEO who's golfing on a Condor while drinking expensive wine from Li'l Wayne's hat that we should be mad at. He's the problem! You should be able to call them.
"Press 1 to make a payment. Press 2 if you're having a problem with your service. Press 3 if you would like to speak to the CEO, who is currently bathing in diamonds. Warning, pressing 3 may not mean you will speak with the CEO, but you will hear what it would be like to suds up in forever."


The inventors of these companies should not be heralded as heroes. No roads named after them. Would you name your street after a person who kidnapped you and made you bend to their will? No? Then Ted Rogers doesn't get a road. And yes, he was a Canadian radio pioneer, but his cell phone company destroys that whole legacy.
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