Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

James Cristiano: james@authenticm.com

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Junk Food, the way it used to be.

I used to be a huge fan of junk food. Huge! I got addicted to Dill Pickle chips and Lime Coke for a few weeks at one point in my life. A few weeks of Dill and Lime Coke though, and you'll be ready to die. The last time I bought a big bag and a 2L, I CRUSHED them by myself on a Friday, passed out and woke up on Sunday. When I woke up, I decided, "This can't be life.”


When I was eating those Dill Pickle chips, they had a crazy amount of dill pickle flavour. Each chip was a dilly paradise. Now, chips don't have that at all. Almost every bag of chips might as well just say "Regular, with a slight hint maybe on some of these chips of Salt and Vinegar." Chips before had so much flavour on them. So much! Go back in time to ‘95, and try to eat a bag of All Dressed chips by yourself. Try it! Your mouth will blow apart with the burning of all that spice! 


You used to open a bag of chips, and the flavour of them would be ON THE INSIDE OF THE BAG! There was so much flavour in there, the chip had to say, "Listen, I can't carry all of you flavour seasoning. I'm just one chip. I'll put some of you over here on the wall.” Too much seasoning for the chips! That's why people used to lick their fingers after eating a bag! Now? You could eat an entire bag of chips, and your hands would be clean enough to perform a surgery. "Did you wash your hands?" "Yeah, I just had a bag of Roast Chicken chips. Just like eating edible clothes really."


And now there are almost no chips in the bag! None! A big bag of chips may be half full of chips. Half! Buy anything else, the package is just big enough for the product. Playstation? Box just big enough. Headphones? Package just big enough. Chips? Jesus. What are they trying to do? "Buy these chips because we left enough room in the bag to pack your clothes!" The amount of chips in a "big bag" of chips now could pretty much fit in a sandwich baggie. 


Also, name your own chips Doritos. Don't put out two bags that are labeled 'A' and 'B', get us to eat them, and tell you what they should be called. And putting them in a white bag with black lettering? Are you serious? If we wanted No Name chips, we'd buy them, for much cheaper. I know it's a contest, but still. When you label a bag of chips the way a beaker would be labelled if it contained some sort of zombie formula, expect people like me to get upset by it.


Now, even chocolate bars are falling down. I had a Skor bar the other day, and it was less wide than they've ever been. Go check it out! Pick it up, and you'll say, "Man, they did used to be wider!" If things keep going like this, one day you'll get a Skor bar and open it up, and they'll be no Skor bar inside. Just a not that says "Sorry, try again sir." They will shrink it to nothing!


Yep, this has been about junk food. There are bigger issues for sure, but it starts at the bottom. First your food, then your house, then we are all living on the street but still paying rent for it.
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