Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Tabloids, and the magazine racks in line....Jesus Christ.

I don't throw this term around much, I don't walk around saying that it needs to happen to everything that I don't like. But I will use it here. 'Fire bomb'. Tabloids need to be firebombed. No ifs. No "But they entertain me". Nope. Won't hear it. Firebombed. All of them. They are one of the worst things on the planet.

When I'm in line at a drug store, or grocery store, I get so mad at the tabloid magazine rack that they all have. ALL OF THEM. I get so mad seeing them, but it's either look at them, look at chocolate bars, or look at the girl behind the cash who is pissed to be there. "Hi, how are you?" "Do you have an Optimum card!?" "Do you have fun?"
I don't understand why they put them there. So that you can go "Oh look, they're gonna pay Johnny Depp 65 million for his next movie. Sweet! I'm really happy for him. Geez, I hope I have enough money for these no name crackers and rice".

 If the Tabloids were things like "This person is in this movie. This person has a new song out". That would make sense. But that's not what it is. "Courtney Cox seen eating a cheeseburger. Will she get in shape before her kids get home?" "Denzel Washington lost his keys. Is he experiencing dementia?" "Daniel Craig's shoe was untied. Will this affect his box office appeal?" THESE ARE NOT HEADLINES! "Denzel Washington goes 'Training Day' on a waitress". That's a headline! "Courtney Cox throws man in front of a bus full of ESL students". That's a headline! "Rhianna seen holding a dress. Will she buy it?" Not a headline!

The fashion parts kill me. People judging what others are wearing. And the people who write these parts, dress the worst out of anyone on the planet! Full silver suits, purple hair, green rope wrapped around their neck for no reason. "Did you see George Clooneys shoes? Clashed with his socks" What! You look radioactive! Why should people take you seriously? Also, why on this planet do people who wear ridiculous things have an authority? "You can't wear that shirt!" "Better listen to him man. He's wearing a garden hose and a mesh tank. He obviously knows what he's talking about."

And people get REALLY judgmental about these things. I over heard girls talking about a tabloid they had seen. "Did you see what Jennifer Aniston was wearing? I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress." Oh, what a coincidence! Because I don't think Jennifer Aniston would be caught dead in a McDonalds uniform. Calm down.

People say "Well, no one likes them Nathan. Everybody hates them". Not true at all. A lot of people love these stupid things. That's why they are still around. Companies don't keep putting out things that don't make money. That's why 'Seinfeld' lasted 9 years, and Friends spin off 'Joey' lasted 1.

The people who make a LIVING off of tabloids are gross as well. A LIVING! They have done nothing notable in their lives, have no talents, but they are able to come down on others for their life choices? You've done nothing! How are you an authority? I could read tabloids if they were written by other talented people. If tabloids were written by Jim Carrey, I could read. "Hey, this movie sucks and is not funny. What gives me the authority? How about a little movie called Dumb and Dumber? Or my work in Man on the Moon? Or the fact that I'm pure magic? Pick it up guys. This movie was terrible."

And the rack also has some other great reads on it. For one, Cosmo. The cover of this really makes me want to punch. The top left corner of every issue is something like "100 new ways to please your man." "200 new ways to please your man." "450 brand new ways to please your man". How! How Cosmo? How can there be new ways every week? The mans business does not change. Up, down, tickle a ball, done. That's it. What could possibly be in there? "Way 451, bring a toaster to bed. Way 452, if you're boyfriend hasn't left the bed yet, gently place his balls in said toaster, and lightly toast."

From now on I'm just gonna close my eyes until I'm out of the line. I won't learn how to pleasure a man with my thoughts, or find out that "Britney looked terrible on the beach today", but I won't want to smash whatever is in my hands either.
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