White men are cloning.

All white men have started to look identical. Am I out of line here? Look around the city you live in and tell me I'm wrong. Not even 'Hey, you kinda look like him.' Nope. It's as if all white men are from the same mother.

"Hey, man. Are all your brothers at Comic-Con with you?"

"I don't have any brothers."

"What!? Whoa. That's weird, man. These guys all look like you! Are you sure your mom didn't have like twenty thousand kids she didn't tell you about?"

"I'm sure if my mother had had that many kids I would have met at least one of them."

"Whoa! Now you're over here? Man, I thought THAT guy was you. I was wondering how you threw your voice."

"I'm right here."

"You did it again!"

White men almost all look identical today and there are a few common threads that make this so.

One of these commonalities is a beard. The beard trend has become huge amongst white men. You can't go anywhere without seeing them. There haven't been this many beards on white men since the 1850's gold rush.

"'Scuse me, fellow gold sifter, but do you happen to know where an honest, work-a-day prospector like myself could do a little prospectin'?"

"I have no idea. I know I have a beard and I look like I pan for gold as I am also currently barefoot, but I am just a man who works at the Apple store."

"The Apple store? Can't believe there is now a store that just sells apples. I haven't had an apple in years. 'Spose that's why the doctors been a chasing me! (<cough cough>) Well, ol' Prospect Pete here is gonna hit the hills. If you ever want to go diving for gold, you have the look."

White men want beards so bad, even white men who can't grow one or don't look like they should have a beard have one. Beards used to just be for bikers, bad guy wrestlers and villains from eighties action movies. Now? There are a lot of patchy, wispy beards on twelve-year-old looking men.

"Okay, don't freak out, but I think there are about twelve bee legs stuck to your face."

"It's a beard, okay?! A beard!"

"...You sure it's not bee legs? Beards usually cover the whole face... and bee legs are sometimes known to explode off of a bee and stick to a humans fa... either way. Looks great."

Laziness had to be a factor at first. White men just didn't want to shave.

"These kids on Xbox LIVE can't see me, so what am I shaving for? That's right, me, I ain't! Deal with that, face! My face!"

I, at one point, also had a beard. Then one night I had a show. There were three white men with beards on before me, and then I had to go up as if we didn't all look like a special task force.

"Those guys? No. We are not part of a comedy troupe called 'The Beards That Can' that for some reason performs one at a time. I know it looks that way. As if we all share a van and travel together, but we don't!"

I shaved it the next day. Way too many beards in the beard game. I had to get out.

For some reason as well, the beard is usually coupled with the tiniest body on the planet. A sixty-seven pound white man will have a thick beard and barely the strength to carry it. They have a face that says they'll cut down a tree, and in most cases, arms that say they couldn't even climb one.

"Dude, you're looking pretty rugged."

"Thanks, man. Pretty sweet beard, huh?"

"Yeah, man. From the neck up – woodsman. From the neck down – twelve-year-old girl held captive in Libya. Not a bad look by any means, but man, your beard might weigh more than your chest."

"...What? ...Sorry, I didn't hear you. These crippling hunger pains sometimes block my hearing."

"Do you want a sandwich, man?"

"No way. It'll crumble all over my sweet beard."

Why are we becoming so small? Have white men decided to not eat as some sort of self-punishment for how well we've had it for so long?

"Guys, look. You know while we sit here at this cottage, eating burgers that have cheese infused inside and drinking a limitless supply of beer, there are people on this planet who don't even have ONE burger? Let alone a cheese infused one?"

"...That's nuts. Do they have beer?"

"That's it. I'm not eating anymore. Not until all is right with the world. I've had it white and right for too long. This time next year, I'll have lost half of myself!"

"Are you gonna finish that cheese infused burger?"

"Yes! This all starts tomorrow. Crank up The Hip!"

Along with beards and baby frames, white men have also decided that there is going to be one shoe that we all should wear. That shoe? A pirate shoe. Ah, the pirate shoes. You know the ones I mean. You've seen them. The 'dress' shoes that have buckles on them? Or better yet, the actual pirate boots that have buckles that are worn with tight pants or jeans? Jeans! Imagine. Wearing a pirate boot without a swashbuckling sword on your hip, or a satchel of doubloons in your pocket! A boot that was left over from the wardrobe department of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.

"Cut! That's a wrap! Good work, everyone! That's movie number three in the can. What a shoot, huh guys? Everyone give your costumes back to the costume department."

"Um, sir? I don't know if you have noticed, but there is a group of barefoot white men outside who are screaming for the boots?"

"The boots? I thought they were here for Keira Knightley?"

"Well, yes, her too, sir. But they are much too afraid to talk to her without the, as they put it, 'Magical powers of the mystical and enchanting pirate boot'."

"...Hmmm ...Well, I guess… throw them over the fence. Wait, white men want these boots? I'm a white man! They must know something I don't know! I won't miss this boat. Give me a pirate boot!"

Paired with the beard, the pirate shoe, and the emaciated death body, is almost undoubtedly a plaid shirt. The plaid shirt is as important to the beard-having, pirate-shoe-wearing, 'not gonna eat until I'm the same weight as a toddler in a tiara' white man as the cape is to Batman. You'll never see Batman without his cape.

"Sir, I'm sorry. I seem to have misplaced all your capes."

"Okay, well, until you find them, Gotham will just burn."

"Sir! You can't do that! Innocent people need your help!"

"'Innocent people need your help'. God, I didn't lose my capes, Alfred. Okay? You did. Innocent people die; it's your fault. I'm gonna go out there without my cape? Does a cop hit the streets without a gun? Do you play basketball without a ball? I'm eating these Doritos. Let me know when you find them."

Just like Batman needs his cape, it doesn't seem that white men can leave their house without plaid anymore.

"Honey, have you seen my plaid shirts?"

"Yeah. I took them to the dry cleaners."

"You took two full closets worth of plaid to the cleaners? What the hell is wrong with you? I have such a busy week! What am I going to wear to the bar? Or the wedding I have to go to? Or my graduation? Or my dad's funeral? Or that job interview I have? Did you even think about these things!"

Soon, the plaid shirt will replace the actual color white as the sign of the race. That will be what you have to answer when filling out a form.

"Hmmm, what race am I? Latino, African American, Plaid. Well, I'm not wearing a Latino shirt!"

A lot of times, the plaid shirt isn't even enough. Maybe it's a little chilly out or you just want to show off buttons. So what do you put on? A cardigan. This one makes me upset. Why? Because I used to love cardigans. I started wearing them a while ago. Then I started to notice that a few others were wearing them. Until one day, I decided I had to get out of the cardigan game. I walked into a place and boom! Cardigans everywhere. As if we had all decided beforehand that we were going to start a boy band.

"Okay, guys, N'Sync was pretty cool, right? Why don't we do something like that?"

"Yeah! What will we wear, though?"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Sure, whatever. I don't know. Has to be all the same thing, but with just slightly different colors. Maybe something to keep us warm on an already warm night... I got it! Cardigans!"

"Cardigans! That's great! I love cardigans!"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Shut up, Steve, or you're not in Cardi-garden."

"Man, great name!"

"Thank you. It just came to me!"

Have white men decided that we're all going to band together? As some sort of super unit? Like the Power Rangers? If we all wear the same things, we'll form into one giant, super white person?

"We can't morph until we ALL are wearing the same thing! Someone get that baby a plaid diaper! We'll all be one and listening to Radiohead in no time! On three. One, two, three... Caucasian stampede!"

"...It didn't work..."

"There must be a white man out there who still thinks it's 2003 and is wearing a jersey! Hunt him down and KILL HIM!"

Was there one white man who decided that if you were in this race, there was one look we all have to go with? Was it Zach Galifianakis?

"Hello, every white man. As you know, over the last few years, I have become very popular and made a lot of money."

"How'd you do it! What's your secret! Can you teach us?!"

"Calm down. I gathered this convention of all the Caucasian race to give you my secrets."

"Is it being funny? That's it, right!"

"Security! Take this one out of here."

"Nooooo! I'm sorry! You can't throw me out there with nothing! Teach me! TEACH ME!" (<Security throws man through a door. >)

"...Now that he's gone, let's get to it. The secret to white man's success from here on out is A BEARD AND PLAID!"

(Gasps)

"I know. At first I didn't believe it either. But once I grew a beard and obtained a plaid shirt, the world really opened up for me. So to succeed, you must all wear plaid!"

"...Um ...I don't mean to be rude here, I mean, I'm happy about the conference and everything, but... I'm not a fan of plaid."

"Not a fan of plaid? Are you a fan of being an outcast? Of being an outsider? Of not fitting into the white race anymore! That's the territory you are walking, my friend!"

You cannot tell these people apart. Women dating these guys must lose them all the time.

"Hey, where did you go? Ninety percent of the guys in this bar look like you! Oh well, I'll just grab this man here. I'm sure he's in love with The Beatles as well."

"Hey, Christine! I'm actually your boyfriend! Remember we were here a couple of weeks ago? Well, you left without me?"

"Really? Wow. That other guy looked just like you! I wondered why though he couldn't remember where the Juiceman Juicer was."

"In the cabinet on top of..."

"The fridge! Oh, I've missed you. Please don't go get a drink without me. I never want to mistake you for literally any other man on the planet again."

I don't really understand how men don't care about this at all. If a woman walks into a place and sees that another woman has her exact outfit on, she at least notices. Depending on the situation, she might be upset.

"Oh, God. She has the exact same dress as me! Damn. Now I have to fake an illness and leave or 'accidentally' spill wine on her so she leaves. This place does have an open bar... accident it is!"

Do men not have that at all? Not even in the slightest? Just have the ability to walk into a room, notice every other man looks exactly like you do, and not care? I'm surprised they're not speaking in unison.

"The best Beatle by FAR is John Lennon. I mean for one, look at him? He's got the hair, the mysterious look in his eye. He's all for world peace. Way better than Paul."

"...Ashley, am I crazy, or did those two men just stare into each other's eyes and say the exact same words to each other?"

"No, Sarah. You're not crazy. It may be time to go back to dating jocks."

If you are a white man with a beard, a plaid shirt, a cardigan and pirate shoes, look at yourself in the mirror and tell me if you can even see yourself.

"Whoa! That's weird. I see Tim and Chris and Jeff and my brother, but... I don't see me. Well, I guess I'll just do the chant three times. I am different. I am different. I am diff... no I'm not."

Trailers for the Dark Knight Rises

Movie trailers are a constant in this world. I love them. I wish that before a movie played, instead of the celebrity trivia they show, old trailers were played.

"In what year did Jennifer Aniston first say, "No, I'll have salad instead of fries", thus making her bankable as an actress for years to come?

A. 1998

B. 1969

C. 1987 or

D. Inside her mother’s womb with a well-placed kick?"

"I don't care! Play the Back to the Future trailer!"

I think trailers are great. But there are some trailers that are incredibly useless. In this case, trailers for The Dark Knight Rises. Are these useful at all? Trailers for a movie so anticipated that I'm sure people would miss their kid’s baptism for it? I don't think so.

The Dark Knight Rises is so long awaited and known about, that trailers for it are ridiculous. We know about it! We have known since the end of the last movie in 2008. The ending to that movie was a trailer itself for this movie. A four-year-old trailer! That is the only trailer that is needed! We knew a series could not end that way, so we were anticipating another movie.

Was there anyone who thought that a Batman franchise would end with Batman speeding away out of Gotham City? Was there anyone who thought that was a possible ending?

"Well, what a movie. I guess that's it then. Batman is going to hit the beach for a few years. I wonder if he'll take his mask off on the surf. Gotta be hot in there on a cold day, but in the sun? Whoa. I don't envy the guy. Well, yeah I do. He's got gadgets and can fight and is pretty badass. But that suit? It's gotta be boiling. Have a good vacation, Batman! Way to stop The Joker."

Trailers are used to entice people into seeing a movie. Completely useless in this case. Who out there who has seen the other two is on the fence about seeing this?

"Man, I don't know. I loved Batman Begins; The Dark Knight was one of the greatest things I'd ever seen, but a third one? Geez, I just don't know if I have that kind of excitement to give. I mean, I spent it all on the last two! I haven't been excited for anything for four years. I had a kid – it didn't even faze me. I won the lottery – I yawned! I'll have to see some trailers to spark my interest and hopefully get some excitement back."

If you need a trailer, you don't deserve to see this movie. That should be part of the process of buying a ticket.

"Welcome to the theatre. How did you hear about The Dark Knight Rises?"

"Oh! I was on YouTube and I watched a trailer and it looked really neat!"

"Did you know about it beforehand?"

"Nope, that's why I'm excited there was a trailer. I mean without that, I'd have no ide–"

"Sorry, sir. You can't come in. See, there are real fans out here – ones who have been waiting since July 20th, 2008 to see this movie. They don't need any, "I only kinda want to be here"s in their theatre."

"...But I have money. I really want to..."

"Your money is no good here, sir! It takes a level of dedication that you simply do not have. I suggest you back away or buy a ticket for Madea’s Witness Protection."

Also, why would anyone want trailers? Is there nothing to be said for going into a movie you are excited to see and not knowing one thing about what is going to happen or be seen? Does anyone remember the trailer for Jurassic Park? It was amazing! There was a puddle of water, some stomping noises, a giant T-Rex foot stepped in the puddle, then a roar and that was it! Jurassic Park! It was amazing! Who the hell needed more than that?

"Hmmm, so it's a movie about dinosaurs, but what are they DOING? I mean, is it a movie with TALKING dinosaurs? Do they have jobs? I don't know. I'm not sold."

I don't understand why anyone would want a trailer. You're going to go, it's going to be great, why ruin that?

"I can't wait to see this movie! But I'd also like if for every month for five months, I was shown a different two-minute compilation of the movie, so that slowly but surely I can see the whole thing before I go. If only they had started showing trailers three years ago, then I could have seen the whole movie in annoying, two-minute chunks!"

Why do these trailers need to show so much? Why! Why show anything? We're going! You got that, Nolan? We're going! I cannot stress this enough. Doesn't matter if you just sent people from town to town yelling in the streets.

"Dark Knight is now here. Hear ye, hear ye – Dark Knight is out! Gather ye young'uns and head down the road to your nearest CinemaTech. Will be a righteous time, wouldn't you say? What what and all that."

We'd be going. We'd go if there was no mention of the release date at all, and one day we were just walking by a theatre and saw that it was out.

"Holy hell! I had no idea! I'm skipping work right now! I'll pick my kid up later! My friend can help himself move! That meeting can exist without me! I'll go to that wedding tomorrow! My wife can drive herself home from that operation! I'm going to this movie!"

And if you are going to show trailers, why not keep the same type of trailer you had for the last one? The floating bat shape with a few words being said, a Joker laugh, and then the date? Why not the same for this one? They did have that and then they decided that wasn't enough.

"I don't know if the Bat Signal floating into focus, Batman’s clear, audible voice speaking, Bane saying 'I will break you', and Alfred saying something 'Alfredy' is enough for people. Will they even know what it is? What if they mistake this for another Madagascar movie?"

"The Bat Signal can only mean one thing. Batman!"

"Yeah... I get that, but... I don't know. I just think we should spell it out a bit more, ya know? Really hit home what movie this is."

"...It's called The Dark Knight Rises! It has the Bat Signal! What the hell else could it be?"

"Look, just to be safe, let's just show the last scene of the movie in its entirety, credits and all, so that people will know for sure it's Batman."

"That's it! I quit! You have pushed me to quit."

"Sooo I get my way then? Goodbye, trailer hoarder! Don't let all the trailers I'm going to show hit you on the ass on the way out!"

The best part is that the trailers are completely useless because we would go no matter what they were. ANYTHING could be shown to us and we would go.

"This summer, the trilogy ends. Batman faces his toughest opponent yet. Bane. But before that, he has to face an old love that will not die. He hangs up his bat suit and picks up... a baker’s uniform! That's right. Before Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed, the young boy always thought of becoming a baker.

"Heat up the oven, Alfred. I feel a marble rye coming on."

This summer – The Dark Knight Rises... Bread."

People would still go see that! I guarantee it.

"Whoa, that looks completely awful. But, man, I'm two-movies deep in a three-movie franchise. I'd be an idiot NOT to go! If Batman puts cake batter in Bane’s serum pack I'll puke, but I will finish that movie."

Not knowing what is going to be in a movie at all can be great. I was told about Cloverfield by a friend. I hadn't heard anything about it.

"Do you want to go see Cloverfield? It's a monster movie and in the trailer the Sta–"

"Yes! You're damn right I want to see that!"

That's all I needed. Monster movie. I loved that movie, and one reason is because I was excited by concept alone and had not seen one second of it before I went in! I didn't have one of those moments where I remembered what I had seen already.

"Nice, the part that I watched on my phone two months ago! It for sure looks better here on a bigger screen. Oh, there's the part I watched on my iPad on the train. Man, it's sure great not to have a man’s crotch in my face while watching it. Oh, wait! Here's the part I watched over that guy’s shoulder in line at McDonalds. It's sure great to see it without someone yelling, 'What the hell is wrong with you, man! Stop breathing over my shoulder!'"

What is their reasoning for Dark Knight trailers? Are they upset that not every human on the planet saw that last one?

"You know, the last Batman movie we put out was only seen by three quarters of the planet."

"Jesus, that's it?"

"I know, gross, huh? What do you have to do!"

"I am both insulted and shocked. Even outraged! Let's have more trailers for this one! Maybe that was the problem. If the tribesmen of New Guinea don't buy tickets, it'll be a waste! I want penguins buying tickets for Christ’s sake! Every mammal, reptile, man, woman, child, born and unborn will see this! Also, see if we can put movie screens in rocks and send them down to New Guinea. And for God’s sake, put some theatres in the 

Antarctic for the penguins! They'll buy tickets and then have nowhere to see the movie. Have you even THOUGHT about the penguins?!"

"Ya know, I hadn't! How dumb was I. I was missing that penguin money!"

"It is a very valuable dollar."

I understand making trailers for movies that no one knows about. For instance, the movie that just came out, Savages. Savages hasn't been a comic book since the forties. It isn't a movie franchise. We didn't grow up loving it. It makes sense that they need to let us know about that movie. But a movie like The Dark Knight Rises? Come on. I have been nothing but angry to see trailers or hear people say, "Man, you gotta see this part with Bane." I'm going to the goddam movie! I'm convinced, all right! I need no more convincing. I was convinced as soon as it was announced that it was coming out.

"We are pleased to announce that in 2012, there will be a new Batm–"

"Nice! I'm there!"

"You didn't even let me finish."

"You said 'Bat', brother. Wooo! I'm in! Can I get a ticket now?"

I think that if you are seeing another movie, and if before it they are going to play a trailer for a movie like The Dark Knight Rises, they should let people know about it. There was a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises before The Avengers. Let people know you are going to show a trailer so we can leave!

"Ladies and gentleman, before we show you The Avengers, we are going to show a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. If you like enjoyment on any level, some degree of surprise, and don't live your life based off of things written in 140 characters, we suggest you leave the theatre now. 

However, if you hate surprise, love opening presents on December 21st and think 210 characters is far too long, feel free to sit and continue never letting your friend finish a story until he trims it to 'Twitter length'."

Every trailer for this movie is useless, but if they have to do them, here are a couple that could have been done and not ruined anything in the movie. How about just shots from the last movie?

"Hey, remember this? One of the greatest things ever, huh? Well, we made another one! Come on down!"

How about just berating the audience? Just a black screen with someone talking down to us.

"Yo, loser. How the hell are you? Look, your partner's ugly, your kids are stupid, but you know what? This weekend we're releasing a new Batman movie we made! Does that help the depression subside a bit? Kill yourself! ...After seeing this movie."

Or even a complete attack on us?

"Fuck you! ...The Dark Knight Rises. July 20th."

Also, am I the only one who is a little nervous about this movie? I expect it to be good, but I dislike that Bane is not alone in this. Bane’s story is second only to The Joker. Why must Bane always be saddled with someone? Why can't he have his own story? It makes as much sense as Spiderman 3.

"You know, Venom is pretty much the coolest character that Spiderman faces."

"I know! I'm really excited. Let's throw in the Sandman as well."

"What...? Why? Venom is strong enough and cool enough that he could be in this movie on his own."

"I'm really not convinced. Let's throw another character in there to help him out."

"Nobody has been waiting to see Sandman! Since the franchise started, people have been waiting for Venom. He has one million Twitter followers!"

"Ahhh, I'd like to trust you, but does Venom come in at night and help you sleep? Does Metallica have a song called ' Enter Venom'? Nope. Sandman stays."

And to be saddled with Catwoman? Catwoman! I'm nervous. I would only really be happy if they showed Catwoman as Batman was driving down the street.

"Hey look, there's Catwoman!"

"Roar!"

"Whoa. Happy I didn't stop. All right, onto fighting real threats."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Celebrities punching cameramen.

Alec Baldwin punched a cameraman in the face. Personally – I think that's great. I don't believe enough people get punched anymore. More people need to be checked. When LeBron did the hour long Decision, Michael Jordan should have been right there to smash him in the mouth.

"Are you serious? I played with the flu like a boss and you take an entire hour to say one sentence? Obama doesn't get that much airtime! They cut him off at half an hour!"

When Floyd Mayweather asked to get out of jail early (after beating his girlfriend infront of his kids) because the water in prison was bad and he couldn’t work out in there as well as he did on the outside? Should be hit in the back of the head with a barstool.

"Are you insane? You beat a woman infront of her kids and went to jail! You think it would be the Best Western?! Man, I should hit you again for fighting your girlfriend before Pacquiao."

The person who invented the self-checkout should be struck with a bamboo stick.

"Are you crazy? You thought it would be better to talk to a robot over a person who hates their life? They can be chatted up – this machine is a machine! And if you're bringing in self-checkouts then have the decency to get the real people out of here! They have to watch robots slowly take their job?!"

For some reason, though, when a celebrity attacks an "innocent, minding his own business" photographer, the world attacks the celebrity.

Whenever I hear these stories, I think they are great. When Russell Crowe hit that guy with a phone, when Sean Penn shot at helicopters, when Björk grabbed that woman’s hair. To me, that one just makes sense. Björk came off an insanely long flight. Just landed! You ever have a long flight? Something over twelve hours? You feel your normal, chipper self when you landed? You feel that you could have a conversation with the world when you leave the terminal? No! You want to punch the person next to you who's also waiting for their bag.

"If this guy doesn't stop chewing his gum so loud, I swear to God I'm gonna smash his head off of his iPad. Shut it down, chew-loud!"

People get so upset with celebrities when they attack someone.

"That cameraman was just doing his job! His insanely annoying and useless job. It's not his fault he has to be directly in your eye every time he snaps a photo. Leave him alone!"

I honestly don't understand why people try to defend these cameramen. Why! Why defend people who instigate fights and anger? Did people defend the bitchy girls in high school who would pick on people, and then when those people snapped, would run to a teacher with a sob story?

"I don't know what happened to her. We were just talking to her about how she could change her hair, you know? So that it could look as good as mine? And she snapped and threw a book at me. I guess I'm a bad person for telling her that her roots were showing every day for a month. I was just trying to help."

Why do people run to their side? Why does anyone stick up for these cameraman? If a friend of yours told you they wanted to be a celebrity photographer, what would your first thought be?

"Oh, wow! That is a very noble job full of talent and necessity. On par with a doctor. Good for you!"

No, you would think they were a complete piece of garbage. The only way it would be respectable is if you completely fell into it after failing at everything else.

"You know, I tried just about everything. I was fired from every call center I worked at, I don't have the upper body strength to dig ditches, and I don't have the heart to rob people. I guess it's pick up a camera, follow around famous people and document their entire lives."

Also, is there anyway that people can tone down on their love of celebrities a bit? Honestly, who cares what these people are doing? Not in a rude way, but man, who cares? Why worry about them getting married, where they are seen, what they're wearing or what they're driving. What the hell are YOU doing? Have you achieved everything that you wanted to do with your life that you can now just sit and watch everyone else?

"It only took me forty-five years, but I finally have studied everything on the planet and have become a master at it all. I can speak every language, I have graduated with the highest degree in every form of education... and what the hell will I do now? There's nothing left! Only thing left to do is watch what others are up to. That's what I'll do! Oh! Look at this! This famous person is wearing something that I wouldn't wear. What an idiot!"

I love when people talk about what celebrities are wearing. The people who only judge and talk about what celebrities are wearing? Man. There's no amount of jail time that is enough for this offense.

"Look at what this person is wearing! I wouldn't wear it because I'm boring, have nothing relevant to say, and wouldn't step out of the tiny box I know as 'life' in fear that someone like me would judge me the way I judge others."

Alec Baldwin saying that paparazzi should be waterboarded is great. That is a great sentence. People think that's rough, though. Why? Because you can't say something like that to people who are not on TV. You can't do that! He's never been in a show. All he does is take pictures; he doesn't deserve to be waterboarded! Watch a show come out, though, that is "Celebrity Waterboarding". Some of the highest ratings of all time.

"Oh, man! Did you see last night's episode where Joshua Jackson said he was behind 9/11 after being waterboarded for an hour? Oh, man. What a loser! Go out and do The Skulls 4, you piece of trash!"

Plus, admit it – people want to see these people freak out. It's only fun for a while to have Alec Baldwin or other celebrities be nice. The world wants to see exactly what happened. But then instead of saying, "Thank you for giving us what we pushed you to do!" – we call these people crazy. Crazy! The balls on us! The gall! That guy is crazy because I pushed him to be that way. What a nut.

How do people actually get upset at celebrities and ask, "How can they get so mad?" We all get mad at random people all day, for even dumber things.

"God, that guy got on the bus before me when CLEARLY I was ahead of him. I hope the bus explodes under him only and he is blown up. What a loser!"

We get mad at people all day and they aren't following us around taking pictures of us! What if they were? What if when you bought chips, or tripped, or held your kid there was someone taking pictures of all of it? The way that everyone goes on, no one would deal with it.

"Hey! Why are you following me onto the subway?! You want to do this? You want to go!"

"God, what's wrong with that guy? I'm just in his face and business all day taking pictures of it all for money. That guy is insane!"

You can tell they want to push celebrities because they'll call it "When Celebrities Attack!" They treat him like an animal! Push him to the brink, and then when he attacks, talk about it like a grizzly that got loose.

"He just kept coming at me! And I was saying, "What are you doing? Stop attacking me! Stop!" And he wouldn't listen. You can see right here, where I am pointing on my face and there is no mark what so ever, that this is where he hit me. And you can talk to the doctor who said, "Why are you wasting my time with this? You are not injured at all", and he'll tell you that I was brutally beaten and deserve compensation."

It's amazing that the world will push people to their breaking point, and then when they do, we act like they are insane. People who think that celebrities who get angry are out of line, would be the same people who think a lion is insane when a attacks a tourist from Florida who puts a camera in his mouth.

"God, all I did put my Hawaiian shirt on his back and he snapped and ate my kid! That lion needs to be put down! Burn down the entire jungle he lives in! That Emu, too. I try to get his footprint in my papier-mâché and he bites my face? What the hell is his problem! Blow him away!"

We can all pretty much agree that if you are run by celebrity gossip you are probably a piece of garbage, right? If you read People Magazine and talk about it, or if you check out Perez Hilton's website and look at these people as if they are doing something good – the rest of the world hopes you never are put in charge of anything.

"Who did I vote for? The guy who knows every issue of US Weekly cover to cover, that's who. Who are you voting for? Oh, because he reads books? Lame! He probably doesn't even know the terrible dress that Kim Kardashian wore to the gym three weeks ago. Complete loser."

Also, Alec Baldwin is amazing. Anyone who is going to judge him, based on this or any other mistakes he has made, is wrong. He is a human being. A hilarious human being. Not to say that he has the right to attack people or anything like that, but man, everyone who is pushed only has so long before they will push back. And we don't see all of it. We only see "the freak out". We don't see the months and months of him dealing with photographers, keeping his calm in many situations before one day just losing it. We only see, "He's lost it! He's an animal!" 

No, he's a human.

What's amazing to me as well is that North America right now is on a huge 'Stop Bullying' campaign.

"Don't say anything to that kid! Nothing at all! Lock this school down! LOCK IT!"

If the story had been that a kid was following another kid around taking pictures of him all day and the other kid snapped, the world would be on his side.

"Yeah! Punch that kid! We will not tolerate bullying!"

When it's a celebrity? Screw 'em.

Kids can't bully kids. Not unless that kid was on TV, then it's okay.

"Did you see what Jordan brought for lunch today, teacher?"

"Yes, I read about it in todays People. Just a shame. Tuna sandwich. Isn't he making twenty thousand an episode? Looks like someone has a gambling problem."

Adults and kids are allowed to bully celebrities. Daily! It’s hard to tell a kid not to bully another kid when one day he can get paid for it.

I'd love to see if turned around. See how cameramen would deal with it. Celebrities should follow cameramen into their hotels, while they're out on dates, at the zoo with their kids, or getting married, and take pictures of them. I wonder how long it would take before they snap.

"How do you like it, huh? You like having your picture taken every time you make a move? Oh, what's that? You're buying broccoli? What are you, a loser?! How do you like it!"

"...Um, actually I love it. I take pictures of you because I'm jealous that I can never be you."

"...Oh... well... we still hate it! Stop doing it!"