Movies today look worse than they did in '88.

We are told that we are advancing every day. New phones, new graphics, new computers. One way we are not advancing, though? Effects in movies. With these, we seem to be getting worse than we already were. We're actually going back in time. Special effects in the eighties in the nineties were great. Now? Some movies that come out now use good special effects, but most? Not good at all. Watch the trailer for Expendables 2, where the plane crashes into a cave, and tell me that doesn't look like some graphics that were used in the first PlayStation.

"Hey, should this movie look better than the original Tomb Raider?"

"...No. I think that's fine."

"Yeah? Sweet! Movie's done then. Man, it's so easy to finish a movie when you don't care how it looks. Time to celebrate!"

How is it that in 2012 special effects can look so bad?

This all came about for me one night while watching Predators. Made in 2010. The original Predator was made in 1987. You would assume that with all of the advancement that took place within those twenty-five years that Predators would look better than the original. Does it? Does it look better than the original that looked totally fine? Does it even look AS good? It does not. First Predator? Looks great. New Predators? My God. It looked like the special effects were taken from a Laser Quest.

"We need space guns, right? My son said that these laser tag guns he used last week looked pretty cool."

"Laser tag? You want to use laser tag guns?"

"Yeah, it'll be fun! Not only will we be shooting a movie, we'll give the actors a game to play! Whoever has the most points at the end of the shoot gets a million dollar bonus!"

For a scene in the first Predator, a jungle needed to be mowed down with guns. What happens? A JUNGLE IS MOWED DOWN! That's how it used to be. When something was called for to be blown up or destroyed, something was blown up or destroyed! An entire rainforest and ecosystem were probably taken out making that movie.

"I called this meeting today about the environment to let everyone know that we lost three types of birds today and a rare tree."

"What? How come? Is it pollution? Is it gas emissions?"

"No... it was due to one scene in the movie Predator. An entire forest was destroyed during a scene in which Arnold and his team shoot aimlessly at a Predator that they cannot see."

"...Oh man...does the scene look cool?"

"Well, yeah, it looks great, but that's not the point. The point is, we lost birds that we will never see again, and when one ecosystem is destroyed, it hur..."

"It looks great! Let's go see it!"

Also, just quickly, Topher Grace was in Predators, and who in the world wants to see Topher Grace with a gun in an action movie? Are seventeen-year-old girls casting movies? Even more quickly, how the hell did that man become the one chosen to play Venom?! How! Why not Fez? What about Red? Go all the way down the 'That 70'S Show' cast and get Kitty.

"Spidermaaannn. I've been looking for you, eehehehahah."

We're told all the time that movies that come out today are great looking, unbelievable, and visually stunning.

"You have to see this movie! It looks better than real life! Like, right now, you look like trash compared to this movie. You look like an 8-bit loser compared to it! I know! Wow, even your tears look worse than that movie's tears! Doesn't compare at all." 

Really? Most movies now are comparable to cartoons. Nothing in them is real at all. There are times in the movie when the actor is digitally imposed. The actor! They'll digitally impose in the actual actor that is supposed to be actually acting in the actual movie. 

"Hey, guys? I really don't feel like going in there and saying my line, 'Do we have any leads on this case?' I just want to sit here and finish my soup."

"Oh, that's no problem. We have already created you on a computer. You can just go home if you want."

"Really? Wow. A yacht for this, huh? The only line I said so far was, 'Can I get a footlong? Yeah, lettuce is cool.'"

"And you delivered it perfectly! We still may computer-generate it, though. Either way, thanks for coming in."

Nothing in movies is real anymore. Everything is computer-generated. When something was needed in an older movie, they actually had it. Even things that didn’t exist – they would be made.

"Hey, we need a spaceship."

"Just go down to Costco and grab one. Haha, just kidding. I'll start building it."

CGI is so ridiculous now that they will digitally create things that we have. Example? Old people in movies. Old people! We have old people! For example, in Prometheus, Guy Pearce is CGI-ed into an old person. Why are we doing this?

"Hey, we need an old guy for this movie."

"All right, I'll just create one here on my iPhone."

"Create one? We'll just cast one."

"And have that terrible old person smell on the set? Like a Werther's died inside a rat? No way, man. iOldPerson."

"Good call. Remember shooting that movie with Christopher Plummer?"

"God. I was washing the smell out of my hair for weeks!"

Movies today don't look as good as they once did. Terminator 2. All that needs to be said. Anyone have any complaints with the special effects in Terminator 2? A movie made in 1991? Maybe the actual metal, working Terminator that the crew painstakingly made? Or the actual explosions that happened in it? Maybe the insane CGI with a liquid metal man who changes shape? Any of these a problem for anyone? Absolutely not! Terminator 2 could be put out today, exactly the way that it is, and people would love it. No one would complain that it didn't look like movies now.

"Whoa, whoa. Is that a REAL robot that people built for the set? Jesus Christ. What the hell did I spend money on?! I wanted fake! If I wanted real, I wouldn't have come into the theatre! I want something that looks like it was put together on an old Atari! Someone built that robot? Man, don't waste your time. Just put an R&B star in this and I'd be happy!"

Jurassic Park as well. It's hard to make Jurassic Park a better movie. And when it was called on for there to be dinosaurs in the movie, what did they do? They made dinosaurs! Made them!! They made that T-Rex! In 1993! Actual dinosaurs made out of actual things that you could see and touch. We are twenty years past that and we have dinosaurs in movies that look like they were made on 'Draw Something'.

"Whoa! That's a sweet Velociraptor! You ever think about making a movie with it?"

"Umm... no. I scratched that together on my phone for a game I was playing with you."

"But, man! I was really scared! I dropped my phone and everything. I thought a real Raptor was coming at me!"

With everything being computer-generated, special effects people must be out of business. The people who used to build sets, monsters, gore, and anything that was used in a movie? There's no reason for them to be around. Unless they are now the highest paid coffee-getters in the world.

"Hey, grab me a cappuccino."

"Ugh... you know I built the alien used in Alien?"

"Oh, man! Love that movie. The work you did on that creature was just magic. Now use some of that magic in the foam for my cappuccino. Also, you want to grab that seventeen-year-old a glazed donut? Try not to disturb him, though. He's hard at work on his computer making the special effects for this movie. He's a real genius."

The craziest part is that everything is computer-generated and the movies don't cost any less to make. Doesn't seem to be any cheaper at all. Everything is made on a computer and the movie still cost sixty-eight trillion dollars. How?! Where the hell is this money going?

"You know, I can make Transformers 4 on my iPad 2."

"Wow. How much will you charge?"

"Well, it'll take me a full week. Umm, ten million?"

"Done. I'll go ask the studio for three hundred and fifty million."

"Wow, that's a lot. Where's the rest going to go?"

"Are you serious? Abs! Every actor in the movie has to have an insane amount of abs. You think that comes cheap? The God of abs won't dish any out for less than two hundred million."

"...There's a God of abs?"

"Ah, scene-generating-computer guy. You have so much to learn. You probably think that actors get white teeth the old-fashioned way, and there's not a tooth gnome who will whiten your teeth for a truck of Little Debbie cookies. What a noob."

Why would they now make special effects worse? What is the point of this? Why! To not be so elitist and have movies only be made by moviemakers. Did we start to do things this way so that people wouldn't feel bad? So that now everyone can make a movie with only their phone and an afternoon?

"God, I'd love to make movies, but how the hell am I going to be able to blow up a helicopter? I don't have that kind of money and my movie is called "When A Helicopter Blows Up". I'm doomed!"

"No worries! Now you can blow up a helicopter on your phone!"

"...Really? You... you really mean it? And people will... respect me for it?"

"Respect you? People will blow you! You won't be able to walk down the street!"

"Oh, wow. Okay, well I'll get working on the script. I really only have the name right now, but I know I need a helicopter to blow up."

"Script? What the hell are you talking about? I just told you that you can make things blow up on your phone. Scripts be damned! When the writing gets bad, bring in another helicopter crash!"

"Man, you're right! Nothing but explosions! Words are overrated, anyway. BOOM!"

CGI is also really over used. There are tons of scenes in movies now where there are absolutely no humans around. None! Just computer generated humans. We see the star for a minute and then he is replaced by the scenes someone has created on a Steve Jobs machine. Not a real person for huge segments. We are just watching computers do what they do. Movies should start being marketed that way.

"This summer, an action movie with epic proportions. When a ninja is mistaken for a grocery store clerk and has to fight his way out of a chip aisle – things go to hell. This summer, "Ninja Chip Hell!" 'You Say Dorito, I say Akido'. Starring the newest Mac Air and a brief, brief, brief cameo by Bruce Willis."

With new special effects, for some reason, people have decided that the entire movie should be CGI. There are so many movies where actors are talking in front of a green screen. Actors aren't even talking to anyone! 

"I know. I can't believe that the king took all of our rubies either. What's he gonna do with i..."

"CUT! CUT! CUT! Where are you looking? The half-man-half-goat you are talking to is right here! You're looking towards the donut table, which is a drawbridge in the movie. Would your character be talking to a drawbridge? Huh? Would he?!"

"Look, I'm sorry, but can we get something better for me to act with other than a coffee cup? Like a box of Cheerios? Just something bigger. I'm supposed to be talking to a satyr. What about an actual goat? Can we get that? Or just draw a face on the cup. That would straighten this out. Just give me a face to look at!"

"Oh, you need a face to look at? What – you want to be an actual actor? Bad news for you, kid, you're twenty years too late. Talk to nothing!"

In the eighties and nineties, when something blew up, something was blown up! 

"We need to blow up a car!"

"Well, digitally compose it on a computer, render it in HD, and we'll put in the audio of the actors after!"

"It's 1989 and I have no damn idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, yeah, right... well, blow up a car!"

Twitter- @Nathanmacintosh

We don't deserve comment sections.

Comment sections need to be taken away from us. Time and time again we have shown as a society that we cannot handle them. For years now, people have been screaming at each other in comment sections. I bet the last time there was a nice comment was during the great depression.

"I say, I love your article on monocles and how only one eye needs to see exquisitely while also looking exquisite. Just wanted to give you a 'hear, hear', old chap. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!"

But later on? Comment sections just became a place for people who can't speak, spell, or who have no human decency to be showcased.

"There be a raisin that your artical be all stupid and shit I dont tink iVe ever been angry like this eva"

Look, it's 2012. We should be able to intelligently use all of the equipment we have. If we want to advance this world – stop focusing on making new phones and let's focus on getting rid of comment sections.

Ninety percent of comments are negative. Commenting on things negatively makes sense sometimes. When an article has its facts wrong or when a video is misinformed.

"Excuse me, you said in your article that the fourth of July is this Saturday the fifth. You see the problem here, right? Do you understand why this is angering me? You made me comment here. You did! It's called the FOURTH OF JULY! Are you insane?"

Rarely does anyone just say that something is wrong with what they have read or that they don't like it. The way people usually do it is to try to destroy someone.

"Hey, stranger from Russia, trying to juggle oranges for the world’s entertainment – you didn't entertain me. How does that feel? Huh! I watched the whole thing and hated it! The whole time I wanted to puke. Why don't you try again, loser!?"

That would actually be much nicer than the comments that people send. People want people to die in comments! Just die. There are RARELY any comments that are constructive.

"Hey, orange-juggling-guy. I see that you are okay, but could use help. I know a juggling teacher in your area. You should give him a call."

Nope. Most of the comments people choose to write?

"Why don't you just die?! Yeah, die! Why don't you get AIDS and die? Trying to entertain me with juggling? I didn't ask you to and I don't want it. Do the world a favor and take your orange-dropping ass to hell!"

You want people who are trying to entertain you to die if you don't find it entertaining? That is how kings acted! Kings would sit on a throne, bored, eating a wild boar thigh, and court jesters would dance in front of them, while the king would decide if they live or die!

"Ugh, pan flute again? Look, cut his head off. No, no. Cut his head off while he's being pulled apart by horses. Wait, wait, wait. Feed his left leg to the dragon, boil his right side, and beat his head in with his pan flute. In the town square. Yes... yes, that pleases the king. And cut his damn head off!"

Kings did that. And now with comment sections, everyone acts like a king! We can all sit at home in our computer chairs, bored, eating a Pop-Tart, deciding the fate of people.

"Ugh, sketch video again? Look, cut your heads off! No, get hit by cars. Wait, wait, wait. I hope a Komodo dragon comes into your house, spitting hot acid, and burns you as he bites you to death while you are holding your 'funny' ideas. Yeah, that pleases xboxowner2657!"

Most of the time, it's either death or nothing. People seem to only want to tell people when they have done something they hate. You can picture people at home when they don't completely hate something.

"We got a smart guy here, huh? Just BARELY entertained me, but dammit, you did. You are lucky, bud! If I hated it, you would be dead! Virtually dead in a terrible way!"

Comment sections also, a lot of the time, contain people who aren't even commenting on what they have seen or read. They are arguing with other people who have commented. They are arguing with other people who are commenting! Commenters arguing with commenters who are commenting! When that happens, they are never arguing about what they have seen or read.

"What are you – dumb? I have never wanted to see someone's entire family be beaten to death in the street before, but you, sir. You... wow."

"Oh, yeah? You hate me, huh? Why don't you keep sleeping with your two-ton wife in that trailer home of yours, you middle school janitor! Tell your kids 'Cletus' and 'SarahAnneJessicaJessieBeth' that the fries are done!"

"Actually, bud, I live in Pittsburgh. Get your story straight. I'm going back to watching this Prince video and I hope that communist pinko dirtbag bastards like you leave me alone!"

"You actually like Prince? You're what's wrong with the planet."

"If you don't like him, why are you here?"

"I'm here to get hate off of my chest! That's why I'm here! You got a problem with that, un-American?!"

Also, why do people have to act as if they are Christopher Columbus in comment sections? People love to discover untouched comment sections like it's land and place their "first!" there.

"Whoa! Look at this. No one’s been here before. I'm the first! First! I'm the first one to comment! I'm like the pilgrims. There should be a Comments-givings Day for what I've accomplished! I'll tell the world through comments!"

Why do people do this? Did they even see the thing they're commenting on? Does it matter to them? Do they just search the internet for empty comment sections?

"Nope, that one is filled up... not this one either... BAM! I'm the first! Oh, man. What a rush. Now I can sleep."

Another reason they should be taken away from us? People cannot control their emotions on them. Tears are shed, voices are raised, and emotions run high. People take these so seriously and get so upset when someone disagrees with them.

"Ya know, when my mother died I wasn't as upset as this loser telling me that Justin Bieber isn't the lord of the world. I... I don't even know what to say... YES HE IS! Oh, God!"

Disagreements over meaningless things turn into screaming matches. If you disagreed with someone in real life over nothing, it wouldn't always be a screaming match.

"I think I'm gonna grab some Coke."

"I'm a Pepsi guy myself."

"PEPSI! HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LIKE PEPSI!? ARE YOU STUPID? IS THAT IT? YOU'RE JUST A STUPID PIECE OF TRASH?!"

"...Why are you yelling at me right now? There are kids around us, man. Calm down."

"YOU DISAGREED WITH ME! THIS IS HOW YOU REACT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! YOU SPEAK AT AN UNREASONABLY LOUD VOLUME WHILE CALLING THE OTHER PERSON A PIECE OF GARBAGE!"

Wouldn't happen in real life! Comment sections, though? Every second comment is someone punching his or her keyboard.

"I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM SO I DECIDED TO BREAK THE CAPS LOCK OFF OF MY COMPUTER AND TYPE AWAY! WHY AM I SO ANGRY? WHY AM I SO ANGRY! PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T TYPE ANY SMALL LETTERS! WHY DID I BREAK THE CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? I MAY NOT BE MAD ONE DAY! WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LIVE THIS ANGRY FOR THE REST OF TIME. SUCK IT, WORLD!"

People get mad for no reason, and then, even worse, people get mad because their insane racism cannot be contained. There are always some racists throwing their thoughts on multiculturalism on videos. Videos about race? Nope. Could just be a video with two kittens, playing in a box. Is the comment section under that video safe? Two kittens that have no affiliation to any race at all as they are not humans? Absolutely not.

"These kittens are cute and everything, but even their soft furry heads and tiny, cute little paw pads can't curb my anger. Black people need to go! Get back to Africa! I bet these kittens voted for Obama! Get them out of this country, too!"

What is the point of this? Why is it such a constant? Do higher ups at racist groups demand this?

"Jesus, Chris, I told you to type 'Koreans don't deserve to live' on that video of Dora The Explorer!"

"I'm sorry, Cyclops Jerry. I just don't see what that will do."

"Look, just Cyclops, okay? And – my God, don't you see? What if a Korean is reading that comment section right now? Huh?! Now they won't know that they don't deserve to live! Do you understand now?"

"...Well... Jerry, I just think th–"

"Cyclops! And that's it! Question Cyclops Jerry? Time to pay. Go burn fifty crosses and say one hundred 'Jews control the media'."

"...Okay, fine... but can I say quickly? I like being a member here and everything, the cookouts are delicious and the uniform is quite comfortable, but I don't understand the "burning the cross" thing. I mean, we like Jesus, right? Why burn the cross? Doesn't that only hurt us?'

"...You are on thin white ice right now, buddy. GO DO IT!"

Comment sections break down so much, that if there was a comment section attached to nothing, nothing at all, I bet it would still turn angry.

"Hmm, weird. A comment not attached to anything. That's weird."

"If you think it's weird, why don't you kill yourself!"

"What? Don't you find it a little weird there's nothing here to watch or read?"

"I think you're a little weird, bud. Kill yourself!"

"Hey, both of you guys are bitches. Stop crying!"

"How did we all get here? There's nothing here!"

""How did we all get here?" What a loser bitch."

Is there something that says you have to have dropped out of grade five to comment on something? Did any of the people who write in comment sections go to school? At all? Even for one day of their life? Were they raised on a rock in a ravine? Only because I assume that if you were raised on a rock in a ravine, there wouldn't be a lot of schooling on punctuation.

"All right, I'm going to teach you how to snare an animal. It's gonna come in handy out here on this rock that we live on."

"Gotcha. I have to eat."

"Yes, you do. Just as important? Forming a sentence in writing with good punctuation. It won't help you out here beside this algae, but if you ever have to tell someone what you think of their work online, it'll come in handy."

"When will I ever need that skill, though? We live in the woods on this rock. I have never even seen another person!"

"I'm not raising you on this rock in a ravine to act like a kid who was raised on a rock in a ravine. You'll learn proper punctuation!"

"Why are we out here anyway, dad? We have a house."

"I told you, your mother and I had a disagreement about Pepsi. Now snare that squirrel!"

When you are commenting on the internet, why doesn’t punctuation apply? Can you not spare any? Are you saving your periods and commas for that law dissertation you have coming up?

"Man, I'd love to use a question mark here, but I have that big paper due this weekend and I only have ten left. Well, I guess they'll just have to figure out for themselves where I wanted sentences to stop and end. I honestly didn't know I'd have that much to say about Katy Perry."

The punctuation is horrible and so is the spelling! Comment sections are promoting the worst spelling on the planet. People aren't even trying to spell words correctly. Not at all.

"I told u that i d0nt th3nk that u should b famass you are dum not talantd and 2@^n hytiniw 8&&(nhyg), ya know"

There should be a reading level requirement before you're allowed to leave a comment. At the very least, you should have to have heard of Robert Louis Stevenson before you're allowed to say anything about anything.

"What is this? I go to write a comment and they ask me, 'Who wrote Treasure Island?' I don't know that shit. I want to hate now!"

Take these sections away from us! We clearly do not deserve them or know how to use them whatsoever. Let's stop with the war on childhood obesity for a minute, and focus on the war on people de-evolving to their lowest form and screaming at others through broken English and terrible spelling. 

And after everything I've said, leave a comment below.

Man losing his penis.

I read the news on a pretty consistent basis. Not every day, but I browse and like to know what's going on. Not for material or anything, just to get out of conversations with people I don't want to talk to.

"My head is actually a cheese radio. Want to ride?"

"...You hear about the Facebook stock? Something, huh? All right, well, goodbye."

But I read one story this week that really affected me. A story that I think needed to be longer and more popular than it was. A story of a man who had to have his penis amputated due to a flesh-eating disease.

That's right. That's what I said. A flesh-eating disease was eating this man’s penis, so he had to have it amputated. Thought you were having a bad day? This week a little tough? Talk to this man.

"My job is killing me! I have to go in early every day this week, and the train’s not even working this week! Just terrible. You know what I mean, sir?"

"Huh? Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you – when you do get to work, do you have your penis?"

"What? Of course I do. What makes you think that I wou—"

"Yeah, of course you do! OF COURSE YOU DO! Love it! Hug it! It could be gone tomorrow. HUG IT!"

"...You're scaring me..."

"BE SCARED! Maybe a flesh-eating disease will attack it! Maybe you'll have to have it removed!"

"Okay, you're right! My life isn't that bad. I'm going to work even earlier, and staying later! You've reinvigorated me!"

"...Where's my penis?"

The story alone is scary, but what is equally as scary – is the way they decided to tell it. In my opinion, it was much too short for the gravity of this situation. Here is the entire article.

/A man who lost his penis to flesh-eating bacteria after penile implant surgery was unsuccessful in suing the anesthesiologist who'd cleared him for the procedure. Enrique Milla was 60 when he underwent surgery in 2007 to correct erectile dysfunction, but had to have his penis amputated after he developed a gangrenous infection about nine days later, according to the report by Courthouse News Service. Milla sought millions in compensation because, he contended, Dr. Laurentiu Boeru overlooked his diabetes and high blood pressure, which would impede his recovery, the report said. A Miami jury cleared Boeru Tuesday in deciding he had not been negligent. Milla previously settled out of court with Dr. Paul Perito, the urologist who performed the operation, CNS said./

That's it! That's the whole article! Courteney Cox will eat a cheeseburger and her picture will end up on the cover of a magazine with a huge article inside.

'A friend of Courteney's said she recommended other lunch options.'

"I kept saying to her, what about a salad? Why get the cheeseburger – WITH bacon? She wouldn't listen. Will this end her career? I don't know. I wouldn't put her in a movie after what I saw. Cheese AND bacon. Just wow."

A cat will be taken out of a tree, and there will be an article with interviews, a history on the tree, even thoughts from the cat.

'CAT WITH ATTITUDE RESCUED FROM HIGH ALTITUDE'.

"Ya know, I've been living next to that cat for four years, and truthfully? I always thought he had it in him to get up that tree. I mean, look at his front paws! Those are tree-climbing paws."

'The cat was rescued around 7:45pm after being in the tree for what officials are calling 'a couple of minutes'. The cat’s owner knew something was awry.'

"Yeah, I was worried. I looked around my house and thought, "That's weird. Mr. Buttersnuggle is usually right here on the floor at this time." But he wasn't. And that alarmed me, ya know? Just alarming. I love Buttersnuggle... where the hell was he, I thought?"

'After being taken down from the tree, Mr. Buttersnuggle was anything but happy.'

"You think you're a hero, huh? Waking me up like that? Jesus. Is there not a fire that you could be stopping? You know I'm a cat, right? I got up there, I can get down. Get that camera out of my face! I haven't bathed yet!"

'The oak tree that Mr. Buttersnuggle was in had exactly forty-seven branches on it before firefighters had to climb up to rescue the feline from this altitude. After Mr. Buttersnuggle was taken down? Forty-five branches. A sad day for plants and mother earth, but a happy day for animal life and mother animals.'

These stories get full coverage, but a man’s penis having to be amputated due to a flesh-eating disease? That story gets a paragraph and a half? A horror movie come to life and it's as long as three tweets?

"Nothing else to discuss here, folks. Just arguably one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a man, happening to a man due to one of the scariest diseases that anyone could contract, but really, what else is there to say? Nothing, that's what. Flip to the Comics section. That's where the real entertainment is. Wash this bad-feeling article down with a Dilbert story."

There's a lot more to say! A lot!

One, WHY was the surgeon not liable at all? He sued the surgeon and lost. Lost! Lost completely. Not only did he not get what he was asking for, he got nothing. Nothing! How did that happen?

"Your Honor, I lost my penis and it's because of that man."

"What happened?"

"Well, I tried to have him fix my erectile dysfunction and he..."

"Wait, wait. Did you say erectile dysfunction?"

"Yes, that's why..."

"Hahaha. Wow. You have erectile dysfunction?"

"Well, not anymore. I don't even have a..."

"Get a load of this guy, courtroom! Erectile dysfunction! Hahahaha. Oh, man. That is rich. Case dismissed due to the fact that you're not a man. Erectile dysfunction. Wow."

His penis was chopped off, and the only alternative was to have it eaten away with the rest of his body, and he lost this case? Lost the whole thing? This surgeon has to have some sort of responsibility. Shouldn't he have to give him some money out of his pocket at least? At least, the very least, he should be sentenced to take him out to dinner.

"Look, I'm really sorry about your penis. But hey, now you can think with your brain, huh? Haha. Just kidding... it's really just a joke that women would like anyway... and clearly you are not in the mood for such... more breadsticks?"

Another question. He settled out of court with the urologist, but for how much? I think that part of the story should be told. I wonder because I'd like to know – what is the price of never having a penis again? How much money are you okay settling for when you have lost your penis forever?

"Look, man. We need to talk. You messed up and now I have no Thunder Hammer!"

"Is that what you called it?"

"Yeah... no good? Look, not the point! I lost it and I think you owe me money for that. I say one million dollars."

"One million? For a penis? No way."

"What?! That's fair. For my Mic Stand? ...Another nickname. Doesn't matter, you owe me money!"

"Look, I have twenty dollars in my pocket."

"Ah, man... All right, do you have change for parking? It's costing me a lot to come to your office."

"No, just a twenty."

"Dammit! If I still had my Wand of Wonder – I'd hit you with it!"

"That is for sure the best nickname you had for it."

"Thank you."

There should be a tax that you pay into incase something like this happens. Same as retirement, there should be a lost penis fund. I'd assume after something like this you would just want to go on a permanent vacation. Going to work ever again? I think not.

"Where have you been all this week? You missed Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and no calls at all? Who do you think you are?! Do you even want this job?"

"Look, I had a flesh-eating disease that ate my penis. I'm sorry that I..."

"Whoa! You had me at flesh-eating disease! I'm going to give you MY paycheck from now on. Stay up, man. Well, not up. Jesus. Sorry!"

Also, a flesh-eating disease? We can still contract these and we don't have cures?! Why are people still making iPhones?! Why are scientists still trying to figure out random things about dinosaurs? We could be eaten from the inside out! This isn't top priority on the 'Bacteria/Diseases To Find Cures For' list? It should at least be top five.

"Okay, I think I've done it! I may just have discovered that dinosaurs might actually have been the first creatures on the planet to dance!"

"Wait, what? THAT'S what you're working on? You know there's a bacteria out there that will eat your flesh?"

"Well, yes, I do know that. But look!  Dinosaurs could have..."

"...You still talking about this? Flesh-eating bacteria, man! Higher importance. Some guy could lose his penis to this! I don't care if the dinosaurs invented the hammer dance!"

"...Please, T-rex, don't hurt 'em..."

"...Okay, funny. But come on!"

Of all the ways to lose your penis, this has to be the scariest way to do so. There are some other ways. You could get it caught in a VCR.

"Agh! WHOA! Only thing worse than this pain is the pain of knowing I'm feeling it because I was rewinding 'Ernest Scared Stupid'. WOW!"

A piranha could bite it off.

"Jumping, Christ! Why is there a piranha in this box of crackers?!"

"Oh, yeaaahhhhh. I was gonna mention that. Meant to say, 'Don't go in the kitchen naked, there is a piranha loose in there.' You weren't naked were you?"

"...Agh, dear God! I am. Not even a good idea with the crackers alone, but God! RARELY do you think there will be a piranha able to breathe air roaming your kitchen. My fault, I suppose. Protect yourself at all times."

Am I the only one who feels for this guy? Lost it after sixty years? The man owned it for sixty years, and then boom! No more, and he gets a paragraph and a half and no money? If it were a baby who had to have his penis amputated at birth, we'd all be upset.

"What a travesty! That baby had to lose his penis because it was so crooked that during an erection there would be absolutely no way that it wouldn't completely wrap around his left leg, cutting off circulation, and killing it. Wow, just a shame."

We'd all feel bad, and that baby would never have even used it! The baby would not have even known how great having one could be. This sixty-year-old man does! He's been down the road, up the road, off the road, and through the woods with his penis. I'm assuming at sixty, anyway.

The man is sixty years old and has to live the rest of his life with no penis. None. None! After sixty years! That's insane. I've had one for only twenty-six years, and I can tell you, I can't live the rest of my life without it. And it's not because of sex, or because I want to put it in other things, or because I like touching it, it's just... come on! No penis at all? Nothing? That's huge. If this guy had lost his arm because a doctor tried to give him a bionic elbow and it came to life and was going to attack his nervous system if it wasn't removed, this blog would not exist.

"There you are, sir. Your bionic elbow should be working just fine. 

Actually, better than fine! You should be able to throw a ball just as fast as that kid in Rookie of the Year!"

"Oh, gee, thanks, doc. That's great. You know, I've had terrible things to say about your profession over the years, but in times of need, you guys real–"

"GREETINGS, HUMANS! I AM ELBOW, AND I AM HERE TO DESTROY THE MAN I AM ATTACHED TO!"

"Ohhhh, Gooooddddd!"

"Ahhhhh! Only one thing to do! I'll have to saw off your whole arm!"

"I CANNOT BE REMOVED. ONCE I AM ATTACHED, I AM <sawing sounds> I... CAN'T... I CAN'T... I HAVE BEEN BESTED. DAMN BARBARIC MEDICAL TECHNIQUES."

"Whoa. I apologize, sir. That had to happen. Your arm was going to take you out."

"...I understand. Thank you. Now, can you stitch it up before the adrenaline wears off and I feel the pain?"

"Gotcha... bionic arm again? Haha. Just kidding."

"Please hurry. It's starting to hurt."

However, that's not what happened. A man lost his penis due to a FLESH-EATING DISEASE. I just wanted that to be said again.