Multi-player in video games. What happened?

Video games are one of the greatest things that have ever been created. Multi-player video games? Even more so. Playing a game with human beings that you know? Amazing. This used to be the only way to do it. Then what happened? On-line took over, and way too many games decided to go that route and, in most cases, get rid of the sit-with-someone-and-play option. I am truly not a fan of this.

It used to be that you and a friend could go through a two-player game together. Now? Some games that clearly should be two-player are one-player, and you can only play two-player online. I understand that now with technology we can play with people from all over the world, but why get rid of the 'playing-with-people-beside-you' option!? Why not have the online option as well as a 'play-beside-a-living-breathing-human-being-on-a-couch-with-fun' option? Why!? The latest Ghostbusters is a one-player game unless you are online. Ghostbusters! There are clearly four Ghostbusters that work as a team together, but you have to go through it alone unless you are online? How is that!? The Ghostbusters worked together!

"Egon! Slimer is loose again. We have to go capture him."

"All right, but not together."

"What? What are you talking about? We're a team!"

"I know, I know. But let's try something different. You take this picture of me, go on ahead, and I'll talk to you through this Walkie Talkie."

"How the hell is that going to work? Going as a group always worked so well before."

"Get off the damn group thing, all right?! It's a new day! That was the 80s! Today it's every Ghostbuster for himself."

Look at the back of most video games now and they will say, "One-player, thirty-two players online." Thirty-two online, but only one at home? You can have thirty-two people playing this at the same time from all over the WORLD but can't make it possible for one more to play at home? Why would 'multiplayer-with-humans-at-home' be taken away from us? Do we not want friends over anymore? Is that what it is? We are so tired of our friends that we want to meet new ones online.

"My friends are stupid, boring, arrogant, and loud. Not to mention that they stink! I need to find better friends. More levelheaded, thoughtful, caring, 'put-others-first' type people. And I know just the place to find them. The internet! Won't be wearing your shoes on my new rug anymore, Dennis. From now on, it's all virtual shoes!"

Designers go out of their way to make sure a game feels realistic. They try their hardest to make it feel like when you are playing a war game, you feel like you are at war. How the guns fire, the sound of bullets flying past you, the chaotic feeling. Then, for some ridiculous reason, they decide to take out the actual army part. Where as if you were in an army in real life, YOU WOULD HAVE HUMAN BEINGS BESIDE YOU, the designers decide to get rid of that completely. There is no one beside you. You can't turn and coordinate something with someone in your battalion. Your army is online.

"Sarge, I'm pinned down here! You have to send backup!"

"I'd love to, but I just got word that three of our men had to stop being in the war and go do their homework – also, six others had to leave because their girlfriends came over."

"What? That's ridiculous! This is war! Can we pause this thing?"

"No, no. Only the person who started this war can do that. And he doesn't care about your ranking. Fight on, soldi– mom! I told you I'd be down in a minute! I'm storming the beach right now!"

People used to love to play video games in the same room, and we used to go out of our way to do it. I remember the only way to play Command & Conquer with two players, was to have two systems and two TVs in the same room, AND have two copies of the game. What did we do? We put two systems and two TVs in the same room, AND got two copies of the game! It was a huge mission. It was like when people in movies have to turn their keys at the same time to stop an explosion.

"All right, you ready? Turn your PlayStation on in 3...2..."

"Nick! Where the hell is my TV?!"

"Abort, abort! We've been compromised!"

"If you dragged that TV into your room to watch Bleu Nuit on a bigger screen, I swear to Christ!"

Playing multiplayer online is absolutely terrible. I don't want to play with people who are not in the same room as me. That is not 'co-op'. That is not playing with others. That is sitting alone in a room, pretending that there are others with you. Playing online and saying you are playing with others is the same as listening to your iPod and saying that the band is in your house.

"How was my day? Great! Jay-Z rode the train with me! Isn't that nuts?! And not only that, he did every song from Reasonable Doubt! It was incredible. Then just as I was getting off, Aerosmith showed up and I said, "I'd love to stay, Aerosmith, but I have to go to work." Man, pushy old Aerosmith."

Playing online is not playing with people. You need people to play with other people. People! To play with other people!

People love playing online now. Even people who remember how we used to play together want to play that way. "Add me on PlayStation network. We can play online."

Come to my house! You're twenty-six. What is wrong with you? I know you! Why wouldn't we play in the same room?

"Hey, roommate. You want to play NHL?"

"Sure, man."

"Sweet. I'll take my system across the street and get a hotel room. I'll call you when I'm set up."

"Done! Oh, man. We're gonna destroy these LA Kings."

"You're damn right we will! Hey, you want me to trash the room when we win?"

"You decide. It's your birthday."

Another reason I don't like playing online is because when you’re playing online and wearing a headset, you have to hear commentary by people you play with. Good commentary? Commentary such as, "Whoa! I love this game! I love earth! I love you guys! Where can I donate money to help those in need?" 

Nope. Not at all. Every time I have played online I've listened to people spew racism, telling everyone how terrible black people are. Every single time. Online play should just be called 'racially-charged-multiplayer'.

"Have you ever wanted to play a video game with a friend AND speak your mind about 'the chosen people' but were afraid to do so? Try our 'racially-charged-multiplayer'! Every racist comment you make gives you ten points!"

"Whoa! Thanks, 'racially-charged-multiplayer'!"

"That's not all! If you make two homophobic comments every five minutes of gameplay, the game designers will come to your house and salute you!"

"WOW!"

"Yeah! So tell your 'all men are created equal' believing friends to go to hell because if they don't believe what you believe, they’re going anyway!"

How is this allowed to be? Why are these online servers not shut down when they see that people are talking the way people do in the woods in the south?

"Guys, you're not gonna believe this. But people aren't just playing these games. People are making the most ignorant, racist comments ever."

"...Are they putting down the controller to do so?"

"...We...no, no, they are playing AND making the most ignorant comments ever, but..."

"So they are multitasking?"

"Well... I guess so, but it's no–"

"Multitasking! Put that in the features of the game. This game allows you to multitask."

If you spoke this way constantly in an arcade you'd be arrested.

"Why the hell can't I get drunk and call Pac-Man a Chinaman? He's yellow, god dammit! This is a free country! At least let me bring my beer!"

But online, where people can record everything you say, hate gets thrown. If a website for buying cars eroded into a thirteen year old’s beliefs as to what's wrong with the Jews, that website would be taken down.

"Hector! An eighth-grader called this 2001 Ford Taurus a 'Jew mobile'."

"A new mobile? Well, that's nice of him. It does drive like new."

"No, JEW mobile. He called it a Jew mobile."

"Oh… well, Jews can drive it. He's not THAT misguided. Could you also add that it's a blacks-and-Hispanics mobile as well? Look, I don't care who buys it. Just get it out of here!"

Playing video games online is like playing videogames in a Klan rally.

"First order of business, as it is at all of our meetings, is that every other race of people is inferi... inferi... they just less than us, damn it! Second order of business is that I, Imperial Wizard Chuck, think you guys are working too hard. You need a bit of a break. So I've decided to get everyone their own PlayStation 3 and headset."

"Hot damn! That's great news!"

"Yes, yes. But remember. When you go online, you still have to represent the Klan. You can't just be going on there being nice to people. Keep the hate going!"

"Ah, man. We even have to hate when we relax? Being an Apple genius wasn't this hard. This Klan is kicking my ass."

I've seen game rooms that have titles like "No Blacks Allowed". No blacks allowed! Anytime you put a headset on and play a video game, you will be called a faggot, or you’ll have to listen to someone tell you how all Armenians steal and should be executed on site.

"I just don't trust them! How the hell are they that color and still leave their house? I mean, do they have mirrors? I just got the enemy’s flag! These goddamn Egyptians, too. With their pyramids and their "we used to pray to cats" attitude. Just a bunch of... all right! I got back to base! We can get out of here now! In your face, social norms!"

When I play videogames with actual people, the n-word never gets dropped – and magically, I don't know how, the game is still fun!

"God, I don't know. I had a good time playing this wrestling game with you guys, but something was missing."

"Ya know, I was thinking the same thing? I can't quite put my finger on it. We have chips, drinks, friends, ... a wrestling game. I mean, that last one alone is enough for a great time."

"Yea, yea. We have all of that... wait! Did you mention hate?"

"Hate! Ah, man. How the hell could we forget about the hate?"

"I don't know. But let's head down to the children’s hospital and unleash on them the hate we didn't unleash here."

"Yeah! I've been waiting to tell those kids the truth. Should we bring our white hoods?"

"Wow. Too far, man. These kids are really sick."

It was more fun to play with people in the same room and much less hateful. Let's fight racism by not giving anyone an Xbox live account ever again. Anyone.

We get the picture meme.

In this 140-character/no-time-for-anyone society, we have developed another short way to interact with each other. Yet another way to show how smart and funny we all are with little words. Another way to let people know we are hilarious. And as most things tend to go, this one has been done to death. What am I talking about? Picture memes with 'funny' sayings or quotes on them.

First of all, there are way too many now. At first there were only a couple flying around. Maybe a tree being peed on by a dog saying, "Nooooo! I'm a tree! Don't do me like that!" or "I'll never be back to this park again, but they'll know – this tree is MINE!"

Now? There are so many of these that if you don't see one, you start to get upset.

"Wait… what? I see jokes in status updates, but how in the hell am I supposed to understand them if there isn't a picture to go along with them!? I mean, come on! I'm just a man! PUT UP PICTURES!"

After logging in to Facebook twice in two days and just scrolling down a tiny bit, I found twenty-four of these. Twenty-four! It's hard to find twenty-four people you like on Facebook. Hilarious pictures? Easier than finding your left leg.

"This is ridiculous! I just had it! Now where in the hell did I put my le... oh! Look at that! A picture of an eagle wearing a thong, singing lyrics from LMFAO! I can't walk on it, but man, when you're laughing this hard, who needs two legs?"

All Facebook has become now are these pictures. There's almost nothing else left. Every second update is someone posting one. 

"One update saying what I'm up to, one with a hilarious picture. One update saying what I'm up to, one with a picture of a grandmother saying, "Who needs teeth when you have fake hips!"

Memes are taking over everything!

"How did that happen? My girlfriend’s profile has been taken over by picture of a cat holding up its paw and the words "You must be a member of CAA to enter". How does a picture have any ability to takeover a person’s entire account? How is..."

BOOM!

"Put your hands up, kid! I want your account!"

"Ahhh! How did you get in here, picture of Luke Skywalker getting a family request from Darth Vader?! And what do you want from me!?"

"Don't worry how I got in here. I'm everywhere! I want your account, so that I can annoy anyone who knows you by popping up constantly."

"But... if you do that... people will start to... dislike me..."

"...Exactly."

"Nooooooooo!"

"Hey, that's my line!"

Some of these are funny and creative, if you make them. That's the best part of these, though – you don't even have to make them to be funny! All you have to do is find one and post it and you are hilarious by proxy.

"Hey, guys! Take a look at this!"

"Wow! That's hilarious! You are way too funny. How did you come up with that?"

"Oh, no no. I didn't make it. A faceless shut-in did. I just brought it to you!"

"…Taking a second to think it over – I am still thoroughly impressed and will give you the same amount of credit as if you had made it yourself. You are hilarious!"

"Thank you, thank you. I do have a gift when it comes to telling people about the things I find."

Not only do many of these try to be funny, a lot also try to be inspirational. Does there have to be tons of these as well? Too many pictures of a tree in a field with a single leaf falling from it and a "Remember the Titans"-type inspirational quote underneath.

"When one leaf falls, another one is coming right behind it. Or, the leaf fell off because the tree is dying. But if it's dying, it's going to a better place. YOU are that tree... go to a better place?"

Is anyone who puts these up qualified to be inspirational? Every time someone puts one of these pictures up, there should be another one underneath it.

"The person who put up this inspirational quote about keeping your head down and working hard is a night manager at a Wal-Mart. Do with that information what you will."

How are there so many of these with inspirational quotes? In North America? We need this many inspirational quotes? Seems a bit much. We have everything! Everything is open to us! Yet we still need to be told how we can achieve anything we want? There's no way there are this many inspirational quotes floating around in places that need it. Places such as North Korea. 

"You are not as good as the leader, but you are still okay. Well, only if the leader says so. The leader wants you to love him. You are an okay lover... says the leader."

If you need that much motivation in your life, you might want to stop Googling inspirational pictures and get off of Facebook.

"Yes, I know I'm on parole. No, I haven't started looking for a job. I've been searching for inspirational quotes, and have yet to come across one that tells me to find a part time job at Staples. I have, though, spent six hours sending these pictures to others and telling them to solve their problems head-on with pictures of runners and dogs jumping, and that COULD be a jo... what? I'm going back to jail if I don't find a real job?! Wait! I found one of an ant lifting a rock that says, "Keep Lifting". Doesn't that count for anything? I AIN’T GOING BACK TO JAIL!"

Why are we taking pictures and adding captions to them? Are we all trying to win a worldwide caption contest that I haven't been told about – like they have in the back of newspapers?

"Oh, man. A picture is worth a thousand words, but I wonder if I could make this one that is clearly a picture of a sad person funny in ten words? Only one way to find out! Being-hilarious skills, go to work! "I’m poor, have bad hair, and an abusive family, but you know what? You like Glee. Suck it, stupid!" There. I think I nailed it. Now just sit back and wait for the likes and comments to roll in."

One of the most annoying things about these is that some people don't see these memes when they first come out, then five weeks later they will post it thinking they are the first to stumble across it.

"Guys! Check this out! It's hilarious. I just saw it, therefore it's new to all!"

"...That was posted four weeks ago."

"...But I just... I just found it..."

"The internet world feels for you, but nobody even likes the cat wearing the sombrero with the caption "Cinco De Meow" anymore. Now we're on to "Happy Meow-thers Day” with a cat being hugged by its kittens. From now on, try to keep up."

I think the ones I dislike the most are the condescending Willy Wonkas.

"Oh, you keep copying all of the Wonka pictures and adding in your own captions? Tell me more. Oh, you still think these are funny and keep posting them as if they are? Tell me more."

Why do so many of these have to be references from so long ago? All old references that we can mock people with. The pencil and the cassette tape.

"Do you know how these two go together? If not, you're younger than me – ergo, dumber."

References to Star Wars.

"Hey, Luke, I'm your father. Remember? We figured that out in 1980 when 

I told you in that movie? Anyway, I thought I'd tell you again thirty-two years later – through song."

The reference to Zelda, Ocarina of Time.

"Took half of my life to beat, but it was worth it."

First of all, there's no way that game took half of your life to beat. I beat it when I was thirteen. It took half of my grade six year, but I'm sure I didn't miss much.

Can we stop with these? What is the point? The only people who are doing these are people who are old enough to remember the thing they are referencing, but still feel the need to use new school ways of gloating about it.

"What do you know about the video game Monsters in My Pocket? Huh?! For the first Nintendo!? You weren't even born, stupid! That's old school! You don't know nothing about that! It was before your time! But the iPhone and the Mac I used to show you about it are clearly right in your time. I... I guess... ah hell. You're still stupid!"

These memes are things that would be funny to people who work in offices. People who are doing anything to pass the time and not think about their day. Passed back and forth from cubical to cubical.

"Hey, check this out! It'll make you not want to kill yourself for two minutes."

"A whole two minutes? Man, that's huge. Not since high school have I felt that level of not killing myself-edness."

With memes being passed around so much, Facebook now seems like an office. It's now become a water cooler where we can all stop and talk hilarity.

"Hey, man, you see the picture of the Credible Hulk?"

"Psssh, I wish. This job is kicking my ass. I'm thinking of taking a picture of our boss and writing the caption, "I'm a boss, which stands for Bald Old Son of a Saddlehack" on it.

"Ewwww, already done, big fella."

"Really? Saddlehack? I don't even know what it means, I just like how it sounded."

"Yeah, done. Gary in marketing. That guy uses every club in the bag."

Soon, I hope we can get back to jokes without pictures. Until then, what about this – a picture of Inspector Gadget standing in line in a grocery store with tons of groceries in front of him and the caption, "Go, go gadget credit! ...Well, I guess I'll have to go go gadget steal it." No? Nothing? You're right. It does need a picture.

Dirty and Clean

When I first started doing comedy, I wouldn't swear on stage. I didn't want to. There were things I didn't want to talk about, I always wore a dress shirt, and I never swore. Offstage? I swore, didn't only wear dress shirts, and I had opinions on everything! I decided that I wanted to be more me on stage, so that meant taking my actual thoughts on with me, not just things I came up with.

Too many times, I've seen things written about comedy that says things such as, "Clean comedy is the way to go. It's easy to get a laugh with swearing. It's much harder to get a laugh without."

Is it really that easy to do? To just swear on stage and get a laugh? A real heartfelt laugh? There aren’t too many places you can just go up and swear into a mic and have people laughing.

"Ohhh, man. This is great! He's saying all the things I think when someone cuts me off!"

Is it easier to do what Chris Rock does than what Brian Regan does? They are both hard! Look at The Simpsons and South Park. Simpsons are hilarious. South Park? Same. Is South Park funny just because they swear? No! They are smart and on point. That show has been amazing over the last few years.

Any time someone writes about how it is hard to be clean, the comments underneath these writings are always pretty entertaining.

"That's right! You keep doing what you do! Too many people out there just swearing and being dirty for the sake of it. Nice to see a clever, funny person out there not resorting to being filthy."

First of all, to me, being completely clean is in some ways offensive on its own. People like to think, "You can't offend people by being clean." Um, yeah you can! If you are not being entertaining, it's offensive. If you are being fake, it's offensive. If you are saying, "Some guy cut me off and I put my head out the window and said, ‘Hey! Watch where you're going, you penis enjoyer!’" – I can tell you, I am offended.

The word 'clever' should make most adults puke. Clever? Clever should only ever be used to describe smart five year olds.

"Oh, look at you? Colored in the whole picture by yourself with water-paints? You're very clever. And you! Thirty-five year old man who says fudge instead of swearing! Very clever indeed."

I have a strong feeling towards this because I battle with this all the time. Should I swear? Should I not swear? I have apologized to people after shows for swearing. Apologized! When I think of that, that is much more disgusting than actually swearing in my mind. I have these crazy thoughts that when I swear sometimes, someone goes home, sits in a corner of their house and cries.

"I can't believe what I just heard. Why would he say that?! He ruined my Thursday night, thus ruining the rest of the weekend because it will take at least three days to get over this! WHY!?"

I know. Insane, huh? Why is this, though? Because when I was growing up, very early on, I was labeled a good kid. I was a quiet, do-my-homework kind of kid. Then when I started to get older, I became more outgoing, started to question things, and found more of my actual voice instead of the one I was supposed to have for school.

What's funny is – clean comedy still has to make itself sound as if it's edgy comedy. Look at any comedy special from a clean comedian. Tries to make it sound as if they're knocking down boundaries.

"Look out, grocery stores! Nothing is sacred here in this one hour special. Two-for-one pineapples, pocket lint, spare change. Buckle up! You've never heard someone take down shopping carts like this!"

I've been in many conversations where someone will say with an air of royalty, "Well, I don't have to swear to be funny." 

Good for you, hero. We are all proud of you. You did make a hilarious quip about what a doorknob would say, though, if it could talk. I'd assume there's not much room for swearing in that.

"Ever wonder what a doorknob would say if it could talk? Probably 'stop turning my fucking face!' All right, goodnight Toledo!"


Swearing is needed in some situations. Needed. No one has ever heard the phrase,
"Ahhh, intercourse me harder!"
Never. You've never heard that. And if you do hear it, run! Run out of that room. You are about to be murdered. How gross does the word "intercourse" sound? It sounds as though you are about dissect someone.
"Well, I have my formaldehyde, polymer gloves, I believe I'm ready to intercourse this frog."
"...Um, I think the term you are looking for is 'dissect'."
"Ewww! 'Dissect'? The word sex is almost in there! I'm going to have sex with this frog? No. Intercourse it. God. Keep your mind out of the gutter."
"But intercourse means sex."
"STOP TALKING DIRTY WHILE I AM HOLDING A DEAD FROG!"


Rap music doesn't need swearing, but the songs that have swearing, need that swearing. There's nothing sadder than listening to a song that can hype you up, only to have half of it cut out.
"Gonna take over the world, me and my girl, gonna 'beep' 'beep' the 'beep' 'beep' 'beep 'beep' 'beep' 'beep' Arby's drive-thru, yea you know how we do! Me and my crew, just 'beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep'."

I have never heard anyone say, "I don't have to be clean to be funny." Why is clean comedy the top of the top? Why can't smart comedy be? No matter how it is conveyed, why is it not what is looked upon?
"You know, that guy didn't swear, and made a bunch of noises for an hour."
"I know! It was great! That other guy swore and talked about politics in a very enlightening way. God. Terrible. I mean, throw a beep or a boink in there at least."
"I know, man. I know. Hopefully one day he'll learn."

I talked to someone once who was reading a book about being a comedian. There was a chapter that was "Don't work dirty." The person I was talking to said, "Yeah, you should work clean because you can reach a wider audience."

Can you? You can reach a different audience. Probably some of the same people in both. Do you think that Guns N’ Roses were upset that they had a different audience than Air Supply?

"Man, millions of people want to see us, but we don't get to do ANY shows in the afternoon to neutered adults."

"I know, right! I have already started re-writing our songs. How about, "Welcome to the bungalow, we've got buns and flames?"

"Hmmm, I like it, but people might think that we mean a woman's behind if we say 'buns'."

"Dammit! You're right! I guess we’ll just play to tons of adoring fans all over the world at NIGHT time. Geez."

"I know, I know. It'll be okay. Don't cry. We'll write a children's book."
"(sniff sniff)...You...you promise?"
"...I promise."

The only reason it makes me upset, is because there's no grey area. It's just dirty or clean.

"Well, he's clean. And you're dirty."

So, wait, because I swear a bit, I'm in the same category as Andrew Dice Clay? Does that make any sense? We don't do this in any other facet of life. 

"Your honor, he has thirty five unpaid parking tickets. CLEARLY, he is as bad as Hitler."

"You are right. Any infraction puts you in the level of dictators. Life in prison without parole."

I've heard many people say as well,

"Well, I just don't think you need to swear to be funny."

Yeah, you're right, you don't need to swear. We are throwing the word need in there? You don't NEED a lot of things. You don't NEED to have audio in movies. They used to make silent movies. Let's do it again! You don't NEED round tires on a car. Sure, it'll be a little weird at first, but you can get down the street on your square tires.

Some people will go out of their way to say, "Oh, I guess this crowd just wants dirty material."

Why! Maybe they just want some material with feeling! Maybe you don't have any heart in your stuff about lozenge wrappers.

"By the time I got it open, my throat was so red – Conservatives wanted seats in it! ...Crickets, huh? Well, I didn't swear."

Most people swear in real life as well. There are people who don't swear at all and that's fine. But to try to say that people shouldn't swear on stage is just disgusting. You are taking art away from people. If swearing weren’t allowed, there'd be no rap music, no George Carlin, not even movies like The Big Lebowski or Goon. Do we know how good all of these things are? It's funny to me that no matter how dirty Andrew Dice Clay got; he never had one sexual harassment charge against him. Bill Cosby has had two. Two! Would we rather people be clean on stage and dirty in real life?

"God, I really don't like his act. It's so vile! Nice guy, though. THAT guy’s act is so clean and nice. He did grope me in a parking lot, but I mean, he doesn't swear on stage, so it's okay. That swearing guy? What an animal!"