Steve Jobs.
When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"
"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"
But no. No songs.
Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.
"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"
When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.
"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"
"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"
"Yeah! Have you heard?"
Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.
"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"
"Who? The Mac guy?"
"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"
"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."
"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"
Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.
"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"
"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."
I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.
"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."
"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".
"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"
People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.
"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"
"I have actually never met the man."
"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."
If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.
"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"
"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"
"..Um, yes. He is no..."
"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"
"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."
"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"
There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,
"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"
It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.
"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"
"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."
"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."
No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.
"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"
Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.
"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"
People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.
"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"
Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.
"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"
Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.
“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”
He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.
"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"
"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"
"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."
Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.
"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"
"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!
"But... I just bought it. It just came out."
"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."
"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."
Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?
"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"
"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"
"Yes! That one!"
"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."
Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.
Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?
Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.
"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."
"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"
"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"
The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.
Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world?
"Open Happiness."
Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?
"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."
"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."
"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"
"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."
"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"
"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"
You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!
"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>
"He's not breathing!"
"Get me a defibrillator!"
"Clear!"
<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>
"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>
"That's it, we've lost him."
Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"
Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.
"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"
"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"
"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"
"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"
"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."
"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"
"HAHAHHAH!"
Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.
"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"
A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.
"What are we doing today, coach?"
"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."
"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"
"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"
"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"
"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."
"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"
"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"
"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."
"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"
"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."
"Here you go. <cough cough>"
"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."
I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.
"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"
"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."
Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke?
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"
"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"
"They have those!?"
"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"
Twitter- @nathanmacintosh
Points and point cards.
Collecting points has become a staple in how we live our lives. Cashiers everywhere will ask you if you have your points card.
"Do you have your card? Don't forget your points. You could have earned points for that! I'LL HOLD ONTO THEM FOR YOU!"
People lose their minds over these points as well. People get excited about their points even if they don't have any actual money.
"I have three hundred thousand points on my Slurpee card! I can finally get a free Big Gulp!"
"That's pretty cool."
"Yeah! Umm, do you mind driving me there? I don't have any money on my money points card."
"Wouldn't 'money points' just be money? And wouldn't a 'money points card' be a debit card?"
"I don't have time for this. Free Slurpee awaits!"
Just about every thing and everywhere has a point system now. Coffee shops, airlines, pharmacies, clothing stores, gas stations, book stores, credit cards. Everything! You can even get points from immigration! I bet soon there will be a hospital point system card.
"Okay, great! One more head injury and you'll have enough points for a free back operation! You almost have enough points to get a sex change, as well. Someone thinking of seeing what the other side is like?"
"Umm...I don't think so. When can I have these stitches taken out?"
"Well, right now if you want to cash in some points."
"Right now? Is that a good idea? You just put them in."
"In, out. Good medical advice, bad stitch taking out procedures, they're your points!"
You would think too that the points would somewhat correlate with money. That the amount of points you need to buy anything would be close to the amount of money needed. But is that the case? Nope. They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. The amount of points you have to have before you can get anything of interest is ridiculous.
"I have thirty six hundred points! What can I get for these?"
"Well, you can have this box of toothpicks and a stick of beef jerky. Or, you can use the whole thirty six thousand to get a bag of powered donuts!"
"Oh, sweet! How much will I be saving?"
"In real money? About two dollars and seventy cents."
"That's it? But,... I have thirty six THOUSAND points."
"I know! No need to count that useless amount of "money" change. You've got all those points!"
You know that these points are useless because you can't get anything for thirty of them. You can't get much for thirty cents, but it counts. You have thirty points? Doesn't matter. Thirty points in anything else matters. ONE point in a basketball game makes a big difference. ONE point in a hockey, baseball, football game matters. One point on a points card? That won't even get you a decent greeting from the person behind the counter.
"How many Q-Tips can I get with the twenty seven points I have?"
"What?"
"I have twenty seven points? I'm wondering about Q-tips."
"...those points won't even stop the door from hitting you on the way out."
"...will you?"
"Don't try to hit on me. It's pointless. Much like yourself."
All of these point systems need cards so you can use them. All plastic cards that are the exact same as debit cards and credit cards for some reason. Wallets are now just rammed with cards that mostly can't do anything.
"That will be ten dollars."
"Okay, I'll use debit. If I can find it. Nope, these are my butcher shop, tire rotation, lawn mowing, crown replacing, crutch fixing, and pant hemming point cards. That crutch fixing card is a life saver. Twelve hundred more points and I won't have to hobble everywhere. Either way, where the hell are my cards that have actual money?"
"I don't know sir, but you just earned fifty six points on your "holding up a line" card."
"Oh, really? Sweet! Let me find that card as well."
"Yeah... can you hurry up?"
Points are usually accumulated in games that are fun. You get points in card games. You get points in video games. And you get points for buying toilet paper? That's not a good time. Unless you had to shoot through a horde of zombies to buy it, you shouldn't get points for buying toothpaste.
"Hey, how many points did I just earn?"
"One hundred."
"One hundred? Didn't you see me hit both of those zombies over the head with a Swiffer? That's got to be worth at least a thousand a piece. That one almost bit my neck! I could have been a zombie!"
"Those were elderly people, and I have called the cops."
"Good! I'm glad. They'll be able to see I should have more points for this...wait, the real cops? Or the point cops?"
Points in other games don't cost money either. You just earn them. These companies will say, "earn points every time you shop." That makes it sound as if you will get points for shopping the best. As if you shop the fastest, you will get points.
"Whoa! All of your grocery shopping done in ten minutes? That's unbelievable! That deserves a thousand points!"
"I know! I did it by pushing over all the women and children in my way. One woman was holding her baby, and I said "Get out of the way of the Triscuits!" before shoving her into her own shopping cart. I tell you, it wasn't easy."
"Good for you! You really earned this thousand. That woman you pushed is going to be deducted five hundred for not keeping her balance. Now she'll know it's for real out here."
It just goes to show how much people want things for free. We will pay to have things for free. Pay! We will pay money to eventually get the things we are buying for free. You have to pay to get these points! That's not 'earning' points. That's "I bought these damn things". And now, all you have is money that doesn't exist to buy things that you were buying with money!
"Look, I can get a free trip to Florida! I have two million points!"
"How much did that cost to get?"
"Hmm. Probably twelve trips to Florida."
"Worth it?"
"...shut up."