The term "Hater".
The last few years have really given rise to the popularity of the term hater. Nobody likes haters, and nobody wants to be called a hater. People talk about 'haters' as if they are a group of horrible, twisted, freaky people who live in the woods and eat small animals.
"Oh, no! It's a hater! Shoot it with a silver bullet! SHOOT IT!"
"I can't! If you kill a hater, that's a form of hate, so you BECOME a hater! We have to love it!"
"Love it with the bullets!"
The term hater really makes me upset. One could say that I hate it.
Famous people love to say they have haters, but it's so big now, that everyone thinks they have haters. Not just entertainers and singers, every person on the planet! Look, if you hand out menus to people when they come into your restaurant, you don't have haters.
"Ugh, you see the way she looked at me when I told her the specials? Keep hating, hater. Keep hating."
Nobody wants to take you down, they just want you to put a smile on once in awhile. I used to work at a retail store, and I asked a guy I worked with one day what he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters."
You're folding t-shirts! There is nobody hating on you. Nobody is hiding behind a rack of pants watching what you're doing.
"He calls that a crease? God, I hate this guy! Twitter will hear about this."
People who constantly say that they are being hated on sound delusional. It's the same as saying other non existent things are after you.
"These haters won't leave me alone."
"Oh, yeah. I hear you. I have a similar problem with these zombies. Zombies just won't get off my damn back!"
"Zombies? Zombies don't exist."
"Yes they do. They're right there!"
"Those aren't zombies. Those are haters! The person who gave me coffee. The guy over there in the corner. The person who pumped my gas! These people all hate me! They want to BE me!"
"I hear you! These zombies really want to BITE me! Get off me, zombie! Ya can't touch me, boy!"
Where the hell are all of these magical haters that people talk about? Every rapper, mediocre actor, loser fighter, dirt bag woman beater piece of garbage will call them out when they are interviewed.
"And to all the haters out there, thank you. You help me."
Where are these haters?! These people make it seem as if there is a group of people on an island, sending beams of hate.
"Gather round, hater-nation! We need to put our powers together and take out this person who came out with a sub-par song. Hater-cons-decepti-haters, roll out! To the hater-rade hater-ray!"
All the term hater does, is take away our ability to have opinions. You can't have an opinion anymore! You used to be able to say, "this is trash", and others would say, "I like it", "I agree", or the ever popular, "why?" You used to be able to tell someone,
"I don't like what you do."
And all they could do is say,
"well, I can't win em all."
Now? That's not how it is. You can't have an opinion on anything anymore without being called a hater.
"I don't like this."
"You're just a hater."
"...Well, don't you want to know why I don't like it?"
"You asking me if I want to hear from a hater? Answers no."
Because of this, hater has become the term that untalented people can use if someone tells them what they are doing is no good. It's a scapegoat people can use instead of getting better at anything.
"I really think you need to get better at playing the guitar."
"Oh yeah? You're just a hater!"
"Umm, okay. I don't 'hate' it. I just don't think it's good. For one, you're playing it like a piano."
"Oh, now you're hating on pianos? We got a hater here!"
I'm all for being positive. I'm all for people doing what they want to do, but I can't say that everything is good when I'm asked. I have seen good things! I can't say that Terminator 4 wasn't terrible. I have seen Terminator 1 and 2! And none of this, "it was alright" garbage. There's things to compare it too! Terminator 4 was so bad, it made Terminator 3 look like The Artist.
"And the award for Best Picture goes to...Terminator 3!"
"I'd like to thank McG for making Terminator Salvation. If he hadn't, my Terminator would have been the worst. Thank you!"
Famous people who say they have haters seem to think that people don't like them because they are successful. If that was the case, people wouldn't like any successful people. Not everyone is going to like everyone. That is just a fact. Not everyone likes Ellen. Ellen! Or Will Smith! Nothing but positive energy, and some people don't like him. By and large though, these people are loved, and are HUGELY successful. People don't not like them because of their success, they don't like them for their face, their attitude, or any other number of reasons. Some people just don't like some people.
But certain people will say, "they are just hating because I'm successful." Nope. Not at all. Floyd Mayweather says this. He is a fantastic boxer, and amazing business man, but there are still plenty of reasons to 'hate' him. He hit his girlfriend, and will not fight a man who he clearly should fight. Also, called him out on twitter? Wow. That's what men do. You know the guy at a club who is screaming, "let's do it! Let's fight!" as he is walking away? Calling a man out on twitter is the virtual equivalent of that. But, he calls people haters, and it's the end of the discussion.
Same as Chris Brown. The ONLY reason that Chris Brown is popular again is because of hater culture. In the past this wouldn't be. The world turned on Milli Vanilli for lip synching. Lip synching! Punching a woman wouldn't have flown.
"No, we didn't do it! It was just lip-punching. Fake, like our singing."
"We know lip-punches when we see them. Get them!"
Today though, you can't say anything about Chris Brown without being called a hater.
"I do not like this guy."
"Stop hating on team breezy."
"I'm not hating, I just think he's trash."
"But he can dance and sing!"
"I understand that, but he beat and bit a woman."
"Yes, and then he danced to show us how upset he was. God, stop hating. Don't you feel for what he went through?"
Also, when people talk about "what he went through", I want to puke. He didn't go through anything! HE HIT HER! We get this, right? She went through something. For him to talk about what he "went through", or for anyone to say that, is a slap in the face of human decency. Do we ask other attackers what THEY went through?
"Man, raped a girl, huh? Must be a lot to go through."
"I know! Jesus. First, people think I'M terrible! You believe that? Me! Ol' Tim "only raped one girl"Andrews. The judge was mean to me. I had to go to jail. You know you don't get your own cell? Not to mention that fact that I had to hold a woman down and take her innocence. You know how hard that is? I hope no one has to go through what I went through."
I'm sure that soon you'll be able to use hater as a defence in court. It has already reached a level between regular people that is higher than facts. One day it'll reach that level in the justice system.
"Your honour, he stole my car. I went into the store, and when I came out, he was driving it away."
"Hmm. Do you have anything to say for yourself, defendant?"
"Do I have anything to say? For sure I do. This guy is a hater!
(shocked gasps from the courtroom)
"That's right! He is hating on me because I'm faster than him AND have the ability to hot wire a car. He should congratulate me for that, not hate."
"Good point. Congratulate, plaintiff! Your car went to a better man. You're a hater. Case dismissed!"
It's always people who are questionable with their actions or talents who say they have haters. I have never heard Jim Carrey talk about haters. Why? He has talent and is pure magic. Also please, call me a hater. I will say, "I don't hate anything. But I do have an opinion."
twitter-@nathanmacintosh
The Kobe Success Commercial
Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?
"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"
No one has lost sleep because of eggs.
"Honey, come to bed."
"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"
Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.
Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.
"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."
"...the snakes stay."
"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"
This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.
"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."
"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"
It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.
"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."
It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.
"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."
"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."
"...but, I... don't play basketball."
"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."
"Wow, really?!"
"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"
What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?
"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."
"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"
Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.
“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”
“Richard, this is what I do.”
“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”
“Have you ever played basket?”
“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”
In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!
"I've been to space."
"Ditto."
"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."
"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."
"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."
“...I was just being facetious.”
“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0
The Oscars
I never watch award shows. This year however, I was excited to see Eddie Murphy. When he bowed out, I decided not to watch, but Billy Crystal stepping in? That made total sense to me. Some people were really upset by how he did. For people to complain about Billy Crystal hosting is hilarious.
"He's so old! Why can't they get someone younger?"
Whose better as a last minute stand in for a stuffy event such as the Oscars? The entire night is for an older crowd. At first they had Eddie Murphy, who backed out because his friend Brett Ratner took a bunch of heat for saying “rehearsal is for fags.” Now, if you are in the academy, and you took a chance on Eddie, who bails two months prior because of a friends gay slurs, are you really going to try again to look outside of safe?
“Wow, I can't believe he said that and Eddie backed out. Who should we get now?”
“Someone we can trust to not do anything insane. Andy Dick?”
“Already dialing!”
Billy Crystal fits perfectly for the night that they want! Show tunes, dance numbers, inoffensive. Who would be a better host for a show where the audience really doesn't want to be pushed, or believe that there is anything funny about the absolute seriousness of movie making? Soulja Boy?
"And the nominees for Best Actor are...Swag, for his role in Swag. Swag, for being swagful. Big swaggy for his swag hair. Brad Pitt for turning down money in Moneyball. Swag."
The Oscars really are not an awards show for movies. All movies? Absolutely not. If you want your movie to be nominated by the Academy, you better hope that no one calls it a comedy, action, or horror movie. A comedy movie will not win if it doesn't have some absolutely devastating scene in it. I think that's what 'Shawn of the Dead' was going for at the time.
"A zombie movie has never been nominated for an Oscar."
"We'll change that! How about, the entire movie is a really fun time. It's funny, entertaining, tons of jokes. Then, the last ten minutes, I'll burst into tears and become super serious because I have to kill my zombie mother?"
"Woa, that's deep. Won't that take away from the comedy aspect of the movie though?"
"Screw the comedy aspect! OSCAR!"
There are some pretty concrete formulas for a movie to be nominated for Best Picture. If your movie is less than two and a half hours? Don't even think about it! Throw it right into the trash and try again. I think this is why Judd Apatow makes comedy movies that are longer than Amistad. Does 40 year old Virgin really have an over two hour story to tell?
"Hey, I'm a virgin who happens to be forty years old."
"Okay. We can straighten that out in an hour and a half."
"No. Maybe you didn't hear me. Forty years old. Virgin. At least two hours."
"Yes, yes. You are correct."
If your movie is not a biography on someone's life, you will also have a extremely tough time getting nominated. Movies about someone's life are Oscar gold!
"What is your movie about?"
"It's the real life story of a grocery store manager. This guy...wow. He came up with the idea for the Aisle signs! You know the signs in the aisle that say "Aisle one: Canned products" and so on? He changed the grocery store game! Before that, people just stumbled around for hours looking for beans."
"Hmm, interesting. Does he have a personal life that is crumbling?"
"Of course! See, his kids hate him because he spends more time in the grocery store than he does at home. Work crosses over to home. He places signs up in his house, "Hallway one: Bathroom, linen closet, bedroom". He loses his mind!"
"I smell a best picture nom!"
A movie that has a lot of shots of distant looks in the eyes of the actors will be nominated as well. If your movie trailer shows shots of each person in the movie staring off into what I can only assume is their own personal hell, and also has a title that makes tear up, you can start dusting off the space on your shelf for the Oscar.
"This summer, a sad man (show man in a chair looking into the distance), a woman with cancer (women in hospital bed looking in the distance), a lost child (show kid standing in a field playing with a dandelion, with a distant look in his eyes), and a dog who thinks it's a cat (show a dog trying to use a litter box, can't figure it out, then looks straight ahead, with a distant look in his eyes).
"I can't believe that my wife has cancer, my child doesn't know himself, and this dog thinks it's a cat. My eyes tell you that I feel empty and alone."
This summer, "Things Aren't Always As They Dog Cancer. Only in theatres."
Apparently, good acting only ever means 'serious acting'.
"Okay, your wife was caught cheating on you in your car that also just flew off a cliff, and the trunk happened to be full of all your belongings. And...action!"
“That seems like a weird turn of events...”
“Cry!”
People can be great actors in movies that are not serious. For instance, reaching back in time as it just came to me, Leslie Nielsen was a good actor in the Naked Gun movies. He's great! He wasn't even a comedy actor. He was a serious actor who acting in some comedies. Would he ever get nominated for those? Nope. Couldn't he have even been nominated for being in movies that were a complete side step for him?
"You know, this serious actor seriously got me to believe that he was a comedy actor. Nominated!"
Maybe he could have been nominated if he had actually felt the pain that was inflicted on him in the movie.
"Okay, when this blowfish bites your hand because you reached into it's tank to retrieve a pen, scream in absolute agony. I'm feeling an Academy award scene."
I was shocked when The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture in 2008. I never paid too much attention to the Oscars, but after that, never. There was really ten movies in 2008 that were better than The Dark night? Really?! No way. That movie was fantastic. It also followed some of the Oscar formulas. Over two hours? Check. A story of a personal journey? Check. A bio pic? No! No check. That's where it fell off. If a man really becomes Batman before this summer, maybe the next one will have a chance.
Also, are all of the awards necessary? Best sound editing? Best sound mixing? Best film editing? Best Kraft Service table attendant? These are all people that in the drop of a hat actors would scream at for little to nothing. They should have some other awards for these people.
"And now, the nominees for Best defusing sentence when an actress throws a tantrum about the sound mixing...Billy Halfpenny, for the sentence "Please stop screaming at me! I'm doing what I can!" Thomas Evans, for the sentence "Look, you're gorgeous and talented, okay? I just mix sound!" And last but not least, Douglas Trevino for the sentence, "Here's some Jimmy Choo shoes! Don't have me fired!"
The Oscars are sort of ridiculous anyway as apparently, movie companies will send gift baskets, watches and the like to the academy for votes. For votes! That can happen?
"Please like my movie! Here are some oranges from Marrakech."
You can't even bribe a cop out of a fifty dollar ticket, but you can bribe a prestigious academy with watches that they probably just add to their morning shakes?
"Hmm, another Rolex. I've got tons of these, and can afford one whenever I would like. Let's see how it tastes in this protein shake...hmm, timely. Oh, man. I am a pun master. I will tell my maid the funny I have created, and if she doesn't like it, fire her in front of my children.”