Positive thinking. We're not still going with this, right?
Positive thinking. It's become the mantra said to you no matter what is happening.
"This shark is biting my leg!"
"Just think positive! Positivity is poison to sharks! ...Where did you go? Are you going under the water to yell at the shark, "I'm a positive person! Taste the poison!"...Jeff?!"
Positive thinking is not the only way any of us are going to live well.
Celebrities say, "Just think positive and work hard." Garbage! You forgot to mention, "Have a marketing team and managers!" You don't get on a billboard in Times Square just because you thought, "Man, all days are lovely days."
No! You have a manager in a suit, yelling at other men in suits.
"If you don't put my client on a billboard in Times Square, your kid’s blood will RAIN DOWN ON YOUR HEAD! Is that what you want? It to RAIN YOUR CHILD’S BLOOD!"
Oprah used to say, "You can get whatever you want by thinking positive!" Tell that to the people who have HIV who aren’t Magic Johnson.
"Just think positively, guys. I beat it, so can you."
"...But you have millions of dollars for treatments..."
"You know how I got this money?"
"...By thinking positively?"
"No, by playing basketball! Now think positive!"
Thinking positive cannot be your only tactic on achieving what you want in this life. If you only think positively, you're not going to get what you want. If you really want to be an actor, but all you do is sit on a couch and think good thoughts, you will be a person who calls themselves an actor and sits on the couch thinking good thoughts.
"I really want to be an actor. If I just think about how cool it's going to be, I'll get there. Man, it's gonna be sooo great. I'll be able to afford a way more comfortable couch and way more delicious chips! Come on dream career, I'm positiviting the hell out of this!"
A lot of people will say "think positive" just to shut you up.
"How do I get to where you are? How do I achieve my... "
"Woah, woah, woah. Just relax and think positive, okay? That's all you have to do."
"What about all of the training you did in the gym? Doesn't that have anyth..."
"Are you still here? Man, I said, THINK POSITIVE. What part of that do you not understand? That's all you have to do. Now get away from me. I have a lot of crunches, pull-ups. sit ups, running, sparring, dips, curls, squats, suicide drills, swimming and taiwanese kickboxing to do. Just THINK POSITIVE!"
"Let's do this, Buffalo wings! I'm positively thinking hard!"
"Here are the wings you ordered, sir. That'll be twelve dollars."
"I knew it would work! Now, to pay this bill by thinking positively. Hmmpphhff... bill paid yet?"
"... just give me the twelve dollars."
"Hi, how are you doing?"
"The world is awash with greed and fire is raining in my head constantly. This beer is flat and I can't love anymore."
"...Nice! Well, enjoy your night!"
But people say "think positive" as if negative thinking has never brought us anything good. Negative thinking has brought us some great art. There are songs, movies, and pieces of art that are fantastic, and in no way could they have been brought to us if the people making them had thought positively. We wouldn't have Edvard Munch’s "The Scream" had he been thinking positively.
"What are you working on?"
"Oh, just a painting with a man holding his face, screaming on a boardwalk into the night, with what looks like a vortex from hell behind him."
"...Oohhh...why?"
"Because I'm in a really good place right now."
If you like country music, you can forget about it ever being around if country stars were going to think positively. Definitely old country stars. You think country music superstar George Jones came up with "He Stopped Loving Her Today" while thinking about birds and cotton candy?
"Woo, today is great! Cotton candy in my country-music-superstar hand. Birds chirping in my country-music-superstar ears. Wait, I feel a song coming on! A song called... "He Stopped Loving Her Today"! Arguably, the saddest song ever made! Thank you, positive thinking and gorgeous day for bringing this song to my mind."
No! It was a terrible day in his life – and because of that he came up with music that has helped people when they have terrible days.
Without thinking negatively we wouldn't have Million Dollar Baby. Million Dollar Baby! That movie is fantastic! Sad, inspirational, sad again, more inspiration. Movies with endings like "The Wrestler". Yeah, it's sad, but how else would you end that movie?
"Randy "The Ram" with a Ram Jam! And oh, he hits it perfectly! Wait, what's happening here? Oh my god! Ed McMahon is coming down the ramp with a giant novelty cheque!"
"Yes, sir! Randy, I've been following your career and I don't think you deserve to be wrestling in these high schools and legions for no money. Here's a cheque for two million dollars! Ram Jam that all the way to the bank! WoooHaaaa!"
Sometimes you want to feel depressed. Sometimes there is no other way but to have a day where you are down. On days like that you need things to make you remember that you are not alone. If everyone and everything in the world were positive when you had a day like that, you would end it.
"Man, I'm having a really bad day guys."
"Oh, really? We have no idea what you are talking about. Not I, nor anyone I know has ever had a bad thought. We were just on our way to sit in a drum circle and hum positive affirmations. Would you like to join? "
"That's it, I'm out!"
Books like "The Secret" have really made people believe that if they think and believe hard enough, they will get what they want. All it really shows us is that we should all write books on thinking positively. With the money you'll make, it'll be hard for you to think negatively.
DJs. I think they're done.
Napster was a big deal when I was a teenager. It's how we listened to new music. It took an hour to get one song, but it was amazing! I remember trying so hard to find songs that DJ Clue wasn't on. That guy annoyed me so much. I'd wait an hour, the song would finally be downloaded, I'd press play, then ten seconds in:
"DJ Clue, Clue, Clue! I'm in the building! Shot out to DMX for this song! Get ‘em X, X, X! Shot out to my mom, my sister, the guy who sold me this hat, the airwaves, the future, the past, coconut water, water, water! Desert Storm in the building, building, building! Get ‘em X! You killing ‘em, ‘em, ‘em!"
Can you please shut up so I can hear this song? Why are you here? Did you make the beat? No, you didn't, so get out of here!
DJs love to talk over songs. Talk over "Billie Jean" as if it were missing something.
"I love Billie Jean, I just thought it needed a, "Is Franklin High in the place!" I wish I could have told Michael."
DJs used to scratch, blend, and remix songs BY HAND. Actually had turntables, and actually put music on. Grabbed a record, and placed it ON A RECORD PLAYER. Now, everything is on a computer. DJs don't have to do anything! Just put songs in a playlist and press play. Then put headphones over one ear, the other on their fitted hat, and pretend that something is being heard in either of them. What are you listening to!
"These headphones are connected to the DJ headquarters. Right now, they are saying to play an ol’ school Mase hit. Thanks, headquarters! I was about to go Usher, but I would have lost the crowd!"
DJs made sense at one point. For one, DJs did something. Also, THEY BROUGHT EQUIPMENT AND RECORDS THAT THEY PURCHASED! You have to be paid well when you have been buying records to play at parties. You are literally bringing the music! There was a point in time when you couldn't just get a song you wanted in a second. That was when DJs were needed. Who had hours worth of music that would be great for a party? Who was spending tons of money to collect music to play at parties? DJs!
Now, though? You could put an iPod in the place of a DJ. The only difference would be that the iPod wouldn't think it could sleep with every woman in the club. And ridiculous girls wouldn't think it was cool to sleep with the iPod.
"Man, that iPod is sexy. I'm gonna talk to him!"
"It's a machine, Stacey. There's nothing to sleep with."
"I don't care. I have to ride it. It plays music that I like!"
DJs have a TON of misplaced confidence. Have more confidence than Lebron would if he were also a lawyer and a racecar driver.
"I'm the man, son! I'm the best DJ in the land! Nobody plays records like me!"
...Did you hear what you just said? You're the best at pressing the play button?
"Yeah, that's what I said! Nobody presses play like DJ Play Press!"
There will come a time when DJs will be in museums.
"This, everyone, is a DJ. Also known as a Disc Jockey. DJs used to perform at shows and parties."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, a man named Steve Jobs came up with a handheld DJ that didn't even run on batteries! Some years later, DJs had him killed it’s presumed and told the world it was cancer."
It's ridiculous as well when you see a poster and it says, "Music by DJ Not Needed." Wait, wait. No, it isn't. Music isn't by this DJ, this music is by a bunch of artists! Does he own the music? Does he have a lock on everything by the Jackson 5? Nope, he just plays it.
"DJ Not Needed, we really want to listen to the Jackson 5, and not one of us knows how to work a stereo, computer or iPod!"
"You called the right person."
A DJ at a show makes sense. A DJ at a concert makes sense. A DJ at a club? Not necessary. There are a few DJs that are good. Some who make a night fun and get a crowd going. Most, though, are just ruining things. Ruining things from their pharmacist’s vantage point. Unless you are Dr. Dre, you should be on the floor with everyone else.
"Excuse, don't come up here. I'm a doctor of sound. Only I can be up this high."
"You just played LMFAO six times in a row. My diagnosis? Play something else."
DJs also make tons of money. Tons of money for PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES MUSIC. How the hell did this happen?
"We need some music for tonight's party. Will you take care of it?"
"Are you serious? I'm on chip detail and you want me to work music? What do I look like? A governor? I can't take care of all of this!"
"Look, you have to! You have a ton of records!"
"Man... alright. I'll do it... for a thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars! You're just playing music!"
"You want music tonight? Or do you just want people rubbing chips together to hear a beat?"
How can we have commercials like, "For just forty cents a day, we can feed a child," when we are throwing money at a person whose robot replacement we have already made? How are we getting rid of cashiers at grocery stores for self-checkouts, but we're keeping DJs in clubs? We have made big machines to do what someone was doing for eight dollars an hour. We have tiny little machines that will do for free what a DJ charges two thousand dollars for! This should be the easiest move in history!
"Look, man. You've been replaced."
"What? But I'm DJ Kevin Mc-Kick Ass-tiler! When I'm in the building no one goes Home Alone! Who are you gonna get to do what I do?"
"I don't know, an old Sony Discman? It's either: pay for you or send my kid to a year of school."
"You'll be sorry! You fire me, you're not getting my hype men either, The Wet Bandits!"
"Ya know, your DJ name is a clever take on 'Home Alone', their name is a blatant rip off."
"Man, I know. We were gonna use the money from your show to pay for a think tank to come up with a better name."
With the money we could save on DJs, we could get some real things done. Fix roads, build hospitals, and send kids to school to learn how to MAKE music.
"I'm on the 'actually learn to make music and not just play other peoples songs and take some kind of ridiculous credit for it' scholarship."
Until that day, though, I guess DJs will still be in clubs with their clever names. I'm waiting for the day there is truth in their job. When a DJ will call himself, DJ "You Can Do This".
"DJ Clue, Clue, Clue! I'm in the building! Shot out to DMX for this song! Get ‘em X, X, X! Shot out to my mom, my sister, the guy who sold me this hat, the airwaves, the future, the past, coconut water, water, water! Desert Storm in the building, building, building! Get ‘em X! You killing ‘em, ‘em, ‘em!"
Can you please shut up so I can hear this song? Why are you here? Did you make the beat? No, you didn't, so get out of here!
DJs love to talk over songs. Talk over "Billie Jean" as if it were missing something.
"I love Billie Jean, I just thought it needed a, "Is Franklin High in the place!" I wish I could have told Michael."
DJs used to scratch, blend, and remix songs BY HAND. Actually had turntables, and actually put music on. Grabbed a record, and placed it ON A RECORD PLAYER. Now, everything is on a computer. DJs don't have to do anything! Just put songs in a playlist and press play. Then put headphones over one ear, the other on their fitted hat, and pretend that something is being heard in either of them. What are you listening to!
"These headphones are connected to the DJ headquarters. Right now, they are saying to play an ol’ school Mase hit. Thanks, headquarters! I was about to go Usher, but I would have lost the crowd!"
DJs made sense at one point. For one, DJs did something. Also, THEY BROUGHT EQUIPMENT AND RECORDS THAT THEY PURCHASED! You have to be paid well when you have been buying records to play at parties. You are literally bringing the music! There was a point in time when you couldn't just get a song you wanted in a second. That was when DJs were needed. Who had hours worth of music that would be great for a party? Who was spending tons of money to collect music to play at parties? DJs!
Now, though? You could put an iPod in the place of a DJ. The only difference would be that the iPod wouldn't think it could sleep with every woman in the club. And ridiculous girls wouldn't think it was cool to sleep with the iPod.
"Man, that iPod is sexy. I'm gonna talk to him!"
"It's a machine, Stacey. There's nothing to sleep with."
"I don't care. I have to ride it. It plays music that I like!"
DJs have a TON of misplaced confidence. Have more confidence than Lebron would if he were also a lawyer and a racecar driver.
"I'm the man, son! I'm the best DJ in the land! Nobody plays records like me!"
...Did you hear what you just said? You're the best at pressing the play button?
"Yeah, that's what I said! Nobody presses play like DJ Play Press!"
There will come a time when DJs will be in museums.
"This, everyone, is a DJ. Also known as a Disc Jockey. DJs used to perform at shows and parties."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, a man named Steve Jobs came up with a handheld DJ that didn't even run on batteries! Some years later, DJs had him killed it’s presumed and told the world it was cancer."
It's ridiculous as well when you see a poster and it says, "Music by DJ Not Needed." Wait, wait. No, it isn't. Music isn't by this DJ, this music is by a bunch of artists! Does he own the music? Does he have a lock on everything by the Jackson 5? Nope, he just plays it.
"DJ Not Needed, we really want to listen to the Jackson 5, and not one of us knows how to work a stereo, computer or iPod!"
"You called the right person."
A DJ at a show makes sense. A DJ at a concert makes sense. A DJ at a club? Not necessary. There are a few DJs that are good. Some who make a night fun and get a crowd going. Most, though, are just ruining things. Ruining things from their pharmacist’s vantage point. Unless you are Dr. Dre, you should be on the floor with everyone else.
"Excuse, don't come up here. I'm a doctor of sound. Only I can be up this high."
"You just played LMFAO six times in a row. My diagnosis? Play something else."
DJs also make tons of money. Tons of money for PLAYING OTHER PEOPLES MUSIC. How the hell did this happen?
"We need some music for tonight's party. Will you take care of it?"
"Are you serious? I'm on chip detail and you want me to work music? What do I look like? A governor? I can't take care of all of this!"
"Look, you have to! You have a ton of records!"
"Man... alright. I'll do it... for a thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars! You're just playing music!"
"You want music tonight? Or do you just want people rubbing chips together to hear a beat?"
How can we have commercials like, "For just forty cents a day, we can feed a child," when we are throwing money at a person whose robot replacement we have already made? How are we getting rid of cashiers at grocery stores for self-checkouts, but we're keeping DJs in clubs? We have made big machines to do what someone was doing for eight dollars an hour. We have tiny little machines that will do for free what a DJ charges two thousand dollars for! This should be the easiest move in history!
"Look, man. You've been replaced."
"What? But I'm DJ Kevin Mc-Kick Ass-tiler! When I'm in the building no one goes Home Alone! Who are you gonna get to do what I do?"
"I don't know, an old Sony Discman? It's either: pay for you or send my kid to a year of school."
"You'll be sorry! You fire me, you're not getting my hype men either, The Wet Bandits!"
"Ya know, your DJ name is a clever take on 'Home Alone', their name is a blatant rip off."
"Man, I know. We were gonna use the money from your show to pay for a think tank to come up with a better name."
With the money we could save on DJs, we could get some real things done. Fix roads, build hospitals, and send kids to school to learn how to MAKE music.
"I'm on the 'actually learn to make music and not just play other peoples songs and take some kind of ridiculous credit for it' scholarship."
Until that day, though, I guess DJs will still be in clubs with their clever names. I'm waiting for the day there is truth in their job. When a DJ will call himself, DJ "You Can Do This".
Rap made me write this.
Rap music has made me dance, throw things when I've been drunk, and has motivated me to keep working when I didn't want to. I suppose it didn't make me throw things, but you get drunk, listen to DMX's "Party Up", and try not to throw something. You'll throw your mom if she's close.
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"
Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.
Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?
"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"
Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.
Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.
All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"
Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.
Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!
There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.
I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!
I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay?
"Why are you doing this? I raised you!"
"Ya'll gon make me lose my mind!"
Even with songs like "Party Up", there were songs like "Slippin'". Now, though? It seems all songs are "Party Up". Rap is no longer for the downtrodden. It seems to only be for rappers themselves or other billionaires.
"I take a helicopter to the club, covered in platinum. I bought another whale yesterday just to keep stacking them."
Who's relating to that! Warren Buffet and maybe ten other people. Also, if you have a helicopter, why are you going to the club with it? Does Derek Jeter go to Little League games, take a kids bat and start crushing homeruns? No! You buy a helicopter, you can't take it to places where somebody who works at McDonald's can also go. You can take it to the tops of buildings or Jurassic Park.
Nobody is talking about coming up anymore. Apparently everyone starts at the top.
"I'm a billionaire. I got nice hair. I smoke purple air and I just stepped out of a high chair!"
How is everyone rich when they put out their first song? HOW!?
Rappers seem to have a problem with their audience. Why are rappers yelling at us about the things they have that we don't? Do you even want me to listen to these songs, rappers? Should I have not have bought this?
"What do you know about the clear port? Huh! What do you know about hover boots?! What do you know about buying a Bentley, crashing it into a museum, and then getting off of the charges by buying every cop, judge, and jury member each a Bentley? And not even putting a dent in your bank account! What you know about that, huh! I'm talking to you, listener! I'll blow up your town and they won't charge me! YOU HEAR ME!"
Why are you angry with us? You have all of the money! Soon when you go to a bank to get money you'll have to ask a rapper.
"Oh no, I'm sorry. We don't have any hundred-dollar bills today. Kanye and Jay have decided to use them to build a replica of America on the moon. Sorry. It's gonna be great, though!"
Why are rappers only angry with us now, and not the world's condition? Are all of the world's problems solved? Is everything straightened out? Let us know rappers, so we can live accordingly. Just songs now about drinking, taking pills or crying.
"I'm on pills! I'm on pills! Time to chill, I'm on pills!"
"Let's drink, let's drink! Whatchu think? I think it's time to drink!"
"Where'd she go, man? I loved her fam! She was the best girl, I took her around the world. Now we aren't together, and I've been crying in the studio since September. Please God, WHHHYYY?!"
Every rapper has the same answer to the question, "Who do you want to work with?"
"Who do I want to work with? That's easy. Tupac, man. Pac. Because he's the greatest, and I'm the greatest, and we would make a great collab."
Why do you want to be on a song with Tupac? Do you have dreams of being the worst part of a song? Is that what it is? You just have a need to be embarrassed on a song? Tupac rapped about social struggle, you're gonna rap about Gucci bandanas for three and a half minutes. These two things do not need to come together. That's the same as if Snooki said she really wanted to speak publicly with Martin Luther King, Jr. Doesn't need to be!
"Well, he said, "I have a dream", and I said, "If you're not a guido, get the fuck out of my face!"
Problem with a lot of rap is that it's people who don't live in a real world selling to people who do. That's why you have so much crazy talk about aliens and other planets.
"I'm from Mars! I'm not human!"
Yeah, you are. You just have face tattoos. So does Mike Tyson, and he knows he's from America.
All this crazy talk gets into people's heads, and regular people start to believe that they are the same as these rappers. That's why you see people at clubs with stunner shades and Gucci belts, but with a bus pass and ten dollars in their pocket.
"Check out this Gucci belt! Yeah, I know! White tee and a Gucci belt. I'm living it! Umm, can you buy me a drink? You're going to the bar anyway. Come on, man! Do you know how expensive this belt was?"
Remember when rappers filled the entire beat with words? I don't know how they did it. They must have been wizards! Now most songs are so slow, and so dumb.
"This beat..................is hot......................write something down........................I think not."
Where did you go?! Are you counting money between verses?! Taking some bitches out of the oven!? Trying to figure out your rapper noise?! Finish the song before you take huge breaks!
Every rapper now says they don't write. Really? We figured that out when you rhymed pizza with pizza, and took forty five seconds to say it. Write something down!
"Naw, I don't write nothing down. Pen? I don't know what you're talking about. Paper? I spend it, I don't write on it! I just get in the studio and flow."
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"
Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.
Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"
I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"
Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?
It's almost good that they don't write this stuff down. It would be an insult to paper.
"We cut a tree down so someone could write "I'm a Boss" four hundred times? Are you serious? Why couldn't he just write "I'm a Boss" multiplied by four hundred to save paper!? We killed a family of owls! Those owls are dead! DEAD!"
Of course you don't write things down! "Fight the Power" was written down. A pen and some paper made thoughts happen. Big Sean's "Ass" was thought of, and written while stepping out of the shower. Ass! SONG CALLED ASS WHERE ASS IS SAID HUNDREDS OF TIMES! To top that, has a beat from MC Hammer. On a music label called "GOOD Music". GOOD MUSIC! Is this GOOD!? Oh wait, that stands for "Getting Out Our Dreams." Damn, almost forgot. Getting a girl to shake her ass to a song is not that bad a dream actually. I'm now torn.
Rappers aren't even trying anymore.
"Yo, get me my mic! I just thought of a song!
"Uh huh, yeah. Uh huh, yeah. I got money, yeaaahhhh. I got a watch, ooohhhhh. Money watch, money watch, money watch, money money watch. It don't tell the time, but it cost a lot. Money watch, money watch, money money watch." Nice! Get me a girl who wants to 'model', just shoot her ass and we got a hit!"
I don't understand rap video girls. Why are girls still doing this? You think it's leading to other modeling gigs where maybe you'll wear some clothes?
"Yeah mom, I'm doing well. Just got a modeling job! Yeah! I rub my ass covered in oil on the hood of a Rolls Royce! You have to look quick, because if you blink you'll miss my face before two strange men throw money at it. I think it's my big break!"
Speaking of videos, how many rappers have actually ever watched a music video?
"What do you want to have in this video?"
"I was thinking cars, watches, girls, money, girls on money, cars on girls on money, a watch so big it can wear a girl as a watch, car full of money that runs on money. That kinda thing."
"...Um, I don't mean to mess with your groove, but have you seen this video? Or this one?"
"What is he doing?! That's my video! He stole my idea! Okay, okay. Let's relax for a minute. What's another idea I have? OH! How about driving a motorbike with a hundred of my "friends" through my hood?!"
"Oh, boy. I hate to be the one to show you this..."
"My God! How did these other rappers get into my thoughts?! Damn you, psychic rappers! DAMN YOU!"
When rappers aren't talking about watches, they are giving us dance moves to do for a week. I suppose that's what happens, though, when you don't write.
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"?
"What rhymes with cash?" "I don't know that shit! Break it down!"
Songs like "Teach Me How To Dougie". Why not get someone to "Teach You How to Rap"?
So many rappers now want to be Celine Dion. Why is everyone singing? We all owe Ja Rule an apology. He sang, and we all hated him for it. Years later, Drake sings, "Look, this is the greatest thing in world!" Listen, I'm not saying Ja Rule could sing, but you can't convince me that Drake is amazing at it either. Maybe if Ja Rule had called himself "Jizzy Rizzy Rule" we'd all still be screaming Holla Holla.
One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"
One great thing to come from rap music is the idea that if you don't like something you are just 'hating'. You can't have an opinion without being labeled a 'hater'.
"I don't like this rapper."
"You're just a hater."
"I don't hate him. I just don't think what he does is good."
"...HATER! THIS GUY'S A HATER!"
You're telling me people can still say, with a straight face, "being gay is a choice", but you can't say a rapper's garbage without people attacking you for it? That's ridiculous. People with no talent came up with the "hater" phenomenon to protect themselves.
"Wow, that song was pretty bad. You rhymed phone with phone. Want to take another look at it?"
"You're just a hater! That's what you are! You're just hating on my flow!"
"...Oh, wow. Am I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Maybe I am being a "hater". Here's some money."
The 'hater' mindset stretches to other parts of life other than rap and that just doesn't make sense. I asked a guy I used to work with one day how he was doing.
"Just trying to dodge the haters, man."
What? We fold t-shirts! What are you talking about?! Who's in the back going,
"Man, look at that guy folding a tee. I hate him! I gotta let him know, YOU SUCK AT FOLDING!"
There used to be songs about the problems/actual things in the world/life.
"Fuck the Police"
"No Matter What"
"The Message"
I know other than "No Matter What" these are old, but they had a message! They told a story! There are no messages now.
"Ride Dick So Good"
"Blowin' Money Fast"
"PacMan"
Okay, wait. I was wrong. "Ride Dick So Good" does have a message. There is a bad girl in Plies' hood who can ride dick so good. I can follow that.
I know that there has always been fun or ridiculous rap songs over the years, but songs with messages were also heard and became popular. Now there are no popular rap songs with anything to say. None on TV, none on the radio. Nothing. People heard "Fight the Power", it got air time. Nothing with anything to say now does. Look at the top ten rap songs out right now and see! I'm not saying everything should say something, but some songs that are about real things should be there to balance it out. One example is "Night Train" by Joell Ortiz, a song about going to work and wanting more out of life, which is something we all do! How is that not a really popular song!
I've heard people say, "I don't like rap music about real life because it's depressing." Stop being a HATER! Is it better to have rappers mention watches eight times on one album? The beats on "Watch the Throne" were great, but I had to stop listening when Jay-Z said, "So many watches I need eight arms". Umm, so... you have eight arms, Jay?