Insurance. Not really.
Insurance is something that everyone will have to deal with at some point. It sounds reassuring. Makes you think of safety, protection, maybe even a favorite blanket and a warm cup of cocoa. A favorite blanket won't try to choke you one day, though, and that cup of cocoa won't suddenly turn back to milk when you really need it. Insurance, however, may not be there when you need it.
Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"
It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"
Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance. Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."
Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.
Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"
"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."
Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."
A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."
The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!
Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.
You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.
"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!
An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."
If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"
Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."
ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.
Insurance companies love to have ads showing happy people. Happy people running through fields wearing the warmest of sweaters, swinging their kids around, drinking coffee, sitting in kayaks. Then the tag line,
"Insurance: Let us tuck you in at night."
"Ahhhh. That company cares about me! Tuck me in!"
It's ridiculous when insurance companies pretend to care.
"We don't want to see anything bad happen to you."
No, you don't. Because if something does, you'll have to do some work and figure out a way not to pay for it.
"How the hell did he fall? God, I guess I'm missing lunch today. Gotta figure out a way to prove it was his shoes fault and not the streets. Man this place makes me mad some times!"
Car Insurance
Should just be 'car insurance', right? I have a car, and I would like it insured. But no, insurance companies break it down into sections to get more money. You decide how you will get into an accident.
"What do you want covered on your car?"
"Can I get the whole car covered?"
"Of course you can! So that's collision, liability,comprehensive,uninsured motorist protection,no fault, medical/personal injury, drivers side tire, trunk, and radio insurance. Oh, you'll want the radio insurance. Just last week a mans radio jumped out of his car and strangled a motorist. Good thing he was covered."
Car insurance companies make you pay more insurance for two door cars.
"Well, they go faster. Therefore, they are more dangerous."
Yeah, but I still have to drive the speed limit! Doesn't matter if you're driving a Lamborghini, in the city you'll be driving the same speed as a Plymouth Windstar.
"Nice car! Does it have extra large cup holders like mine? I can fit a double big gulp in this thing! No room for kids in that thing huh? Man, are you lucky!"
Insurance companies try so hard not to pay you when something does happen. They must have a room full of guys, smoking Marlboros and drinking coffee, looking over blue prints the way generals do in war movies.
"Guys! Accident just happened, and he may be totally in the right! We might have to pay some money! What are we gonna do?"
"For god's sake man, get ahold of yourself! We can't pay out a little bit of money compared to the 6.5 billion we'll make this year. You know damn well we are not in the business of paying for accidents! We are in the business of talking people into believing that the accident was their fault! Now, I'm gonna hack this butt and make these people doubt themselves, and you get the president of the company on the phone and say we'll be fishing in Bucksport, Maine before they can say insurance premiums."
Even if you had the exact insurance for what the situation you were in called for, they'd find a way not to pay. If you had the "candy apple red Corvette, going 87mph on a country road, making a left onto Sprint st, get t-boned by an 24 year old college graduate on his way to a job interview in a 68 Ford truck" insurance, and that happened, they'd find a way.
"God, friends told me I was crazy, but I'm glad I got that insurance!"
"Ah, but did you have the blue jay flying 24 ft off the ground in the direction of South West insurance? Sorry, you're liable."
A young man's insurance is more expensive then a young woman's. Just ridiculous.
"Well, young men get into more accidents"
"Who posts that stat?"
"It's on our insurance company's website, sir".
"Oh wow! Why would you not pad your own stats!"
It's more expensive because men can't complain. Not at all. If women's insurance was more because "women get into more accidents than men", women would protest! Bras would burn! Marches would be had! And they'd be right.
Someone thought about that. "We can get more money out of men, because if they are really men, or want to be men, they won't complain about it."
If men got together to complain about insurance? "1,2,3,4, we don't want to pay more!", world leaders would pull up, "Pull your panties up gentlemen! Next you'll be wondering why fathers day is a joke! Go to work you Marys! There's got to be some boxes to stack somewhere."
The best is, people at one point in time went, "I'm not paying for car insurance. That's ridiculous!" So what happens? They made it illegal to drive without it! Hilarious!
"How come?"
"Well, we're protecting you. What if you get into an accident? Whose gonna pay for it?"
"Do you care if I do get into an accident?"
"No, but what if we did?"
Home Insurance
You bought a home? Then you have to get some home insurance! What if someone breaks in and steals your Donald Duck Collectors edition towel rack? You can't take that chance.
You also can't just get "home insurance". What kind? What do you want to protect against? Home insurance does have a ridiculous clause that helps companies not pay. The 'Act of God' clause. Oooooweee! What a good one.
"No, we can't pay for your house. That hurricane was an Act of God."
"How is it an act of God? I said hurricane, not plague or locusts. He didn't turn my house into wine. That would be an act of God. Hurricane! If God was driving a car and he smoked me in an intersection would it be an act of god? No! It'd be an act of bad driving! This was bad hurricane throwing. Put it in a jungle where no one lives! He owes me money! Wait, weather is Mother nature's territory! Call her up and tell her she's liable!
An 'Act of God'? What year is this? If we are keeping the church out of state, can't we do the same with insurance?
"God destroyed your house. Sorry."
"He make my kid sick as well? You gonna tell me to put leeches on my head and repent so it doesn't happen again? It's 2011! Not 1611. If I get cold in December, it's not an act of god. It's an act of science and not having gloves."
If there are 'Acts of God', whose God are we going with here? Christian God? Old man with a white beard throwing disasters at your house? That who we're going with? What about an old Roman god? Buddha? If a God you don't pray to destroys your house, you should get some money back if.
"Hurricane hit your house? Act of God sir."
"Which God did it though?"
"Studies show the Hindu God Vishnu is responsible most times."
"Well, damn it! Shouldn't I get money back then? He's not my God! That damn Hindu God is infringing on my basic human freedoms! He's been giving me problems ever since I accidentally hit that cow on the highway. I'm sorry, Vishnu! What else do I have to say!"
Whoever came up with the Act of God clause must be celebrated in the world of insurance the way Steve Jobs is celebrated in the world of technology.
"Another great fiscal year, guys! Let's take this opportunity to toast to the man who made it possible for us to buy pairs of gold socks and still only wear them once before we throw them out, Professor Chris Holloday! Of course we call him the Professor for being so smart as to come up with the 'Act of God' clause. Haha, oh man. Act of God! Good one, Professor Chris. Rest in peace, sir, in the casket constructed from a hollowed out Rolls Royce Phantom, and the bones of Abraham Lincoln, that we burrowed directly into the center of the Earth as nobody deserves to be on your level. Rest in peace, you devilish warrior."
ANYONE who works in insurance has the exact same job as someone who goes around cutting purses on the street. Yes, a cut purse. Only difference is one guy is indoors.
"What do you do?"
"I rob people in the street."
"Oh, that must be cold. I rob people from an office. Much more comfortable."
"Ya know, I've been meaning to get an office? Thing is, tourists don't come through offices too much."
"...They do if you're selling... travel insurance, son!"
"Oh man! You just opened up my world of thievery!"
They high five over a kid on a spit roast.
Travel Insurance
What a farce. "If you lose your bag, we will pay for it to be replaced." Sounds great! Until you try to collect on it.
"Can you tell us how much the contents of the bag were worth?"
"Yes, with cameras, clothes, and other electronics, about $1400."
"Okay, sir. We can give you $300."
"What?! But I said $1400!"
"Yes, you did, sir. And I said $300. Also, it will be sent in the form of coupons to Red Lobster's kids' menu. Thanks for purchasing travel insurance."
How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.
How are these people not crooks? They have talked people into giving them money for a 'what if'. "But what if you get hurt? What then?" We would never do this with anything else.
"If you give me 1000 dollars, I may give you a tv."
"Umm, that doesn't sound like a good deal."
"What if it's a great tv?"
"....You're right, let's give it a shot!"
"Thanks! Damn, no tv in the box. What if there was, though? Want to give me a thousand dollars a month and maybe one day there will be a tv in it?"
"Do I!"
Health Insurance
What's hilarious about health insurance is, if you need it, you ain't getting it.
"My arm is about to fall off! I really need health insurance."
"Yes, we can see you really need our help, and that is unfortunately why we cannot help you. We only give insurance to healthy, fit people with no history of illness."
"But those people don't need it!"
"Sir, please, calm down and stop flailing. Your arm is about to fall off."
They won't give it to you because they don't want to pay! How have we let these people do this!
When people revolt and go into an insurance company and burn it down, we can all call it an act of god.
Fake People. I can't deal.
I try to be a real human. I like other humans. When I talk to people, I talk to people. I don't have 'stock lines' to say. Fake people do. They sound as if they were programmed by a group of cylons.
"I really liked your play. Can I be in it?"
"...why are you talking like the recording from the library that calls when you have an overdue book?"
".....I really liked your play. Let's hang out and I'll give you more compliments until you place me in it?"
I don't trust fake people for the same reason I don't trust cyborgs. Cyborgs are not human. Every cyborg in a movie has to be reprogrammed before humans can trust it. It also always has to have HUMAN FEELING injected into its metal being. Always. Should be able to with fake people as well.
"Operating on another one, huh?"
"Yep. This one stepped over a dead body for two lines in a Colgate commercial. Just sad. Not even a national!"
Fake people seem to have no actual emotions. They have emotions the way a fax machine would if it could talk. Actually, maybe less so, because a fax machine will flash the word "sorry" on its screen and mean it. Fake people make every thing that happens to them sound like the best thing in the world.
"Everything is so great! Oh, this? Yeah, it's a cast. I was hit by a car yesterday while I was tweeting a quote from my favorite band. No, no, it's great! I've always wanted to learn to use my left hand! Plus, now I won't be able to eat ice cream as fast. Lose some pounds, ya know? I can get down from 109 to a svelte 102 by Thursday. It's so great!"
Can you just say, "Yeah, broke my arm. No good." It's not that they're optimistic about it either. It's that they really don't know how to not try to impress people. Have a human emotion! Just ONE! ONE! Pick one. Whichever one you want, but you gotta have one. You want to only have anger? Fine. At least you'll be a bit more human.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'M GREAT! YOU TOO? GREAT! THIS IS GREAT!!"
"You're pissed."
"ONLY EMOTION THAT WAS LEFT! I'M NOT ACTUALLY MAD!"
Fake people can't distinguish between humans. I wouldn't be surprised if they just have sonar the way a bat does to feel the faceless blob that stands in front of them. They have the same greeting for everyone.
"Oh, mom, how are you? Great, great! I love you! Oh, person I just met, how are you? Great, great. I love you! Oh, significant other, how are you? Great, great. I love you!...wait, were those all the same person? Who cares, they're great!"
They also don't listen to you when they ask "how you are?". Not really listen. They hear it, but it doesn't compute. They go into a sort of sleep mode the way a Mac does. When they ask you how you are, there should be a screen saver that runs across their face.
"How are you?"
"Things are alright. I gotta get a new job man."
"That's great! I just got a tiny dog!"
"...wait, was there just a spectrum in your eyes?"
"Real tiny! Well, talk to you soon!"
The world of television seems to only want news about celebrities to be brought to you buy people who are as fake as Cheez Whiz. Why must people talk like that? WHY?! How can you walk through life speaking as if you have a motherboard in your chest? I've heard people say "They are professional". Professional is showing up to work on time and not drunk. Talking as if you came out of an action figure case at a Toys-R-Us is disgusting and should be punishable by law. Alabama law. 1930's Alabama law.
"What are we hanging this guy for?"
"He used the word schmooze 10 times last week."
"Ugh. Let's get a higher branch."
Fake people love the word 'great'. When a non fake person uses the word great, you are taking one of theirs away. The last sentence alone took two greats away from a fake person.
"I found a pair of really expensive shoes on sale for 600 dollars!"
"Oh! Only 600? That's so ... that's so .... ah god, I'm out of the word that I use for every situation. Yep, tanks empty. I'll have to kill a celebrity blogger to get more of it."
"Want to borrow a 'great'?"
"Alright, but I can't pay you back until I commit murder."
"Oh, don't worry about it. That's just great."
"Stop it! We have to conserve! "
I honestly don't know if they feel at all. One of them could be hit by a bus, and their last words would be "Oh, that bus that ran over me? I know my body was ripped in half, but things are .....things are just.......ugh....greeeaaaattt." I just took another one away.
"I really liked your play. Can I be in it?"
"...why are you talking like the recording from the library that calls when you have an overdue book?"
".....I really liked your play. Let's hang out and I'll give you more compliments until you place me in it?"
I don't trust fake people for the same reason I don't trust cyborgs. Cyborgs are not human. Every cyborg in a movie has to be reprogrammed before humans can trust it. It also always has to have HUMAN FEELING injected into its metal being. Always. Should be able to with fake people as well.
"Operating on another one, huh?"
"Yep. This one stepped over a dead body for two lines in a Colgate commercial. Just sad. Not even a national!"
Fake people seem to have no actual emotions. They have emotions the way a fax machine would if it could talk. Actually, maybe less so, because a fax machine will flash the word "sorry" on its screen and mean it. Fake people make every thing that happens to them sound like the best thing in the world.
"Everything is so great! Oh, this? Yeah, it's a cast. I was hit by a car yesterday while I was tweeting a quote from my favorite band. No, no, it's great! I've always wanted to learn to use my left hand! Plus, now I won't be able to eat ice cream as fast. Lose some pounds, ya know? I can get down from 109 to a svelte 102 by Thursday. It's so great!"
Can you just say, "Yeah, broke my arm. No good." It's not that they're optimistic about it either. It's that they really don't know how to not try to impress people. Have a human emotion! Just ONE! ONE! Pick one. Whichever one you want, but you gotta have one. You want to only have anger? Fine. At least you'll be a bit more human.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'M GREAT! YOU TOO? GREAT! THIS IS GREAT!!"
"You're pissed."
"ONLY EMOTION THAT WAS LEFT! I'M NOT ACTUALLY MAD!"
Fake people can't distinguish between humans. I wouldn't be surprised if they just have sonar the way a bat does to feel the faceless blob that stands in front of them. They have the same greeting for everyone.
"Oh, mom, how are you? Great, great! I love you! Oh, person I just met, how are you? Great, great. I love you! Oh, significant other, how are you? Great, great. I love you!...wait, were those all the same person? Who cares, they're great!"
They also don't listen to you when they ask "how you are?". Not really listen. They hear it, but it doesn't compute. They go into a sort of sleep mode the way a Mac does. When they ask you how you are, there should be a screen saver that runs across their face.
"How are you?"
"Things are alright. I gotta get a new job man."
"That's great! I just got a tiny dog!"
"...wait, was there just a spectrum in your eyes?"
"Real tiny! Well, talk to you soon!"
The world of television seems to only want news about celebrities to be brought to you buy people who are as fake as Cheez Whiz. Why must people talk like that? WHY?! How can you walk through life speaking as if you have a motherboard in your chest? I've heard people say "They are professional". Professional is showing up to work on time and not drunk. Talking as if you came out of an action figure case at a Toys-R-Us is disgusting and should be punishable by law. Alabama law. 1930's Alabama law.
"What are we hanging this guy for?"
"He used the word schmooze 10 times last week."
"Ugh. Let's get a higher branch."
Fake people love the word 'great'. When a non fake person uses the word great, you are taking one of theirs away. The last sentence alone took two greats away from a fake person.
"I found a pair of really expensive shoes on sale for 600 dollars!"
"Oh! Only 600? That's so ... that's so .... ah god, I'm out of the word that I use for every situation. Yep, tanks empty. I'll have to kill a celebrity blogger to get more of it."
"Want to borrow a 'great'?"
"Alright, but I can't pay you back until I commit murder."
"Oh, don't worry about it. That's just great."
"Stop it! We have to conserve! "
I honestly don't know if they feel at all. One of them could be hit by a bus, and their last words would be "Oh, that bus that ran over me? I know my body was ripped in half, but things are .....things are just.......ugh....greeeaaaattt." I just took another one away.
Hiking in Iraq.
As I'm sure some people have heard, two men who were hiking in Iraq and accidentally crossed into Iran were arrested and released this week. They spent two years in an Iranian jail because Iranian border guards had thought they were spies. Now, spending two years in an Iranian jail would be awful I could assume, and it's over the top that someone thinks you're a spy so you do time, BUT, this doesn't mean that some questions should not be asked.
First, and very important one being, who goes hiking in Iraq? That sentence could also be, "WHO goes hiking in Iraq?" or "Who goes HIKING in IRAQ?" That seems like the place you'd go after you've hiked EVERYWHERE else in the world.
"We've hiked everywhere! We even hiked the bottom of the ocean. What's next?"
"I'll tell you what's next man. Baghdad. Take off your scuba gear. Not needed in the desert."
Who even thinks of traveling to Iraq? Ever see any commercials with people running through a desert, smiling, with soft music playing, then the Voice Over,
"Come to Iraq. You know you want to."
When was the last time you heard someone speak of their great trip to Iraq?
If for some reason though you decide that you must travel to Iraq, bring a map. If you're not from the Middle East, know where you are going. You'd want to know where you were if you were hiking through the woods! Why? The woods have bears you don't want to run into. The Iraq/Iran border has bears as well, except these bears have guns and are apart of a militia.
"Ooops. Sorry. Is this Iran? We had no idea. No, no, no need for guns sir. By the way Iranian border guards, where are the happy running people we saw in the commercials? Oh, we put on these cuffs and get in that armored truck and you'll drive us to them? Well thanks so much! Slap em on!"
You go hiking in Iraq without a map? And not only is it bad enough you're hiking Iraq, you are hiking the border of Iran? How dangerous do you need to be to live?
"Hey, you want to go white water rafting?"
"Sure! But let's put holes in the boats. Just white watering rafting is for pussies. I want my life on the line!"
It's funny as well that the Iranian government thought that's what American espionage would be taught to say if they were caught. No suicide pills or fights to the death, just "we're hiking."
"If anyone asks, tell them you're hiking. Of course they'll believe you! People hike in Iraq all the time. It's a huge hiking destination. You'll be bumping into hikers left, right and center. More hikers in Iraq than paper in a confectionary store. Haven't you heard the song "Break your back to hike in Iraq?" It's a hiking diddy!"
No wonder they got locked up. Nobody anywhere would believe the hiking defense. Even if you stumbled into the back of a post office.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars?"
"You're trying to steal mail! That's an offense!"
"No, no. Look at my socks! Grey with red trim. Are these the socks of a thief? I think not, sir. These are hiking socks."
So why would an Iranian border guard be fine with this?
"What are you doing here? Are you spies?"
"Noo, nooo, of course not. We are hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars? Wait,... are you a mirage? I'm out of water."
Where they were going must have come up in conversation when buying their gear.
"Hiking boots huh? Nice. Where are you guys hiking?"
"Oh, the lovely hiking destination that is border of Iraq and Iran."
"Iraq and Iran?! Really? Oh, how lovely! Well, once you're done picking out your knapsacks, let me take you down the street to the gun store. Pick up a piece to match your hiking boots."
Their parents didn't say anything? Didn't put up any kind of fight? The night they were packing no one said,
"Hmm, maybe Yosemite would be a good place to hike? There's probably more to see."
"God, mom, we get it. Be careful in Iraq, geez. Lay off a little, huh? We know the safe word. American. We are American. A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N. Red, white and blue sir militia man, which means we can hike where ever we want. Now, where is the McDonalds? We got it. You worry too much, mother. I played tier 2 hockey remember? Piece of American swiss this will be."
If you told someone you were hiking in Detroit, they'd say,
"Detroit? What are you, an idiot?"
These guys say Iraq and everyone around them says, "Have a good time! Bring sunscreen, it's really hot there!"
Alright, I have to go, guys. I'm going to book my parasailing trip to North Korea. I hear the sights are to die for. Or at least be arrested for.
First, and very important one being, who goes hiking in Iraq? That sentence could also be, "WHO goes hiking in Iraq?" or "Who goes HIKING in IRAQ?" That seems like the place you'd go after you've hiked EVERYWHERE else in the world.
"We've hiked everywhere! We even hiked the bottom of the ocean. What's next?"
"I'll tell you what's next man. Baghdad. Take off your scuba gear. Not needed in the desert."
Who even thinks of traveling to Iraq? Ever see any commercials with people running through a desert, smiling, with soft music playing, then the Voice Over,
"Come to Iraq. You know you want to."
When was the last time you heard someone speak of their great trip to Iraq?
"We just spent two weeks in Tikrit. You must go! "
I've never heard it.
If for some reason though you decide that you must travel to Iraq, bring a map. If you're not from the Middle East, know where you are going. You'd want to know where you were if you were hiking through the woods! Why? The woods have bears you don't want to run into. The Iraq/Iran border has bears as well, except these bears have guns and are apart of a militia.
"Ooops. Sorry. Is this Iran? We had no idea. No, no, no need for guns sir. By the way Iranian border guards, where are the happy running people we saw in the commercials? Oh, we put on these cuffs and get in that armored truck and you'll drive us to them? Well thanks so much! Slap em on!"
You go hiking in Iraq without a map? And not only is it bad enough you're hiking Iraq, you are hiking the border of Iran? How dangerous do you need to be to live?
"Hey, you want to go white water rafting?"
"Sure! But let's put holes in the boats. Just white watering rafting is for pussies. I want my life on the line!"
It's funny as well that the Iranian government thought that's what American espionage would be taught to say if they were caught. No suicide pills or fights to the death, just "we're hiking."
"If anyone asks, tell them you're hiking. Of course they'll believe you! People hike in Iraq all the time. It's a huge hiking destination. You'll be bumping into hikers left, right and center. More hikers in Iraq than paper in a confectionary store. Haven't you heard the song "Break your back to hike in Iraq?" It's a hiking diddy!"
No wonder they got locked up. Nobody anywhere would believe the hiking defense. Even if you stumbled into the back of a post office.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars?"
"You're trying to steal mail! That's an offense!"
"No, no. Look at my socks! Grey with red trim. Are these the socks of a thief? I think not, sir. These are hiking socks."
So why would an Iranian border guard be fine with this?
"What are you doing here? Are you spies?"
"Noo, nooo, of course not. We are hiking. Can't you see my big stick and bag of granola bars? Wait,... are you a mirage? I'm out of water."
You should get some jail time for even thinking about hiking in Iraq. Iraq? People in Iraq don't hike Iraq. Of all the things you could do with some time off.
"Disneyland? Vegas? Atlantic City?"
"Boring, dude. Let's hike where we may hit some land mines."
HIKE IRAQ. Which translates to WALK IRAQ. You want to WALK IRAQ? That's the vacation? The outskirts of Iraq!
Where they were going must have come up in conversation when buying their gear.
"Hiking boots huh? Nice. Where are you guys hiking?"
"Oh, the lovely hiking destination that is border of Iraq and Iran."
"Iraq and Iran?! Really? Oh, how lovely! Well, once you're done picking out your knapsacks, let me take you down the street to the gun store. Pick up a piece to match your hiking boots."
Their parents didn't say anything? Didn't put up any kind of fight? The night they were packing no one said,
"Hmm, maybe Yosemite would be a good place to hike? There's probably more to see."
"God, mom, we get it. Be careful in Iraq, geez. Lay off a little, huh? We know the safe word. American. We are American. A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N. Red, white and blue sir militia man, which means we can hike where ever we want. Now, where is the McDonalds? We got it. You worry too much, mother. I played tier 2 hockey remember? Piece of American swiss this will be."
If you told someone you were hiking in Detroit, they'd say,
"Detroit? What are you, an idiot?"
These guys say Iraq and everyone around them says, "Have a good time! Bring sunscreen, it's really hot there!"
Alright, I have to go, guys. I'm going to book my parasailing trip to North Korea. I hear the sights are to die for. Or at least be arrested for.