Cell phone companies/call centers
Everyone has a cell phone. We all have them, so the call centers we have to call to get help should be great, right? Right! We're all customers here. But alas, they are just horrible. And I say from experience, not only calling them, but working there as well. I worked at a call center for a cell phone company for one month. My soul screamed every day and threatened to commit suicide. Cubicles, florescent lights, white walls, sad people all around, people who for some reason are happy to be there, and a manager who constantly walks around saying things like, "You miss a hundred percent of the calls you don't take, guys! Pick it up!"
Most people who work in a call center would love to be hit in the face by a meteor. I took the road of calling in sick 4 out of my 5 shifts a week.
I get it, working there is awful, but calling in is just as awful. These companies do not care. When you have an actual problem with your phone or service, they put you on hold for hours.
"Oh, the buttons blew right off your phone for no reason? Man, too bad. Let me put you on hold for an hour while I connect you to the 'button blow-off' department."
When you want to pay money, though? They're pretty good about answering that call. "Oh, let me take care of that for you. Payment Department? Hahaha, no, we can all except funds. Yeah, anything. Whatever you have, we want it. The other day I accepted teeth a grave robber had dug up. Oh, you're also experiencing reception problems? Eeeeek! Let me put you on hold."
The beginning of the call they try to make it seem as if they have a heart. As if they care about your time.
"We're experiencing a higher-than-normal wait time. Please be patient."
Thanks for the warning, but no, you're not. These are pretty normal. It's always a long wait! I've never heard,
"Wow! We're experiencing a shorter-than-normal wait time. Apparently everyone else gave up after waiting for two hours and hung up. You're lucky: you're going right in!"
These positive reinforcements keep coming as you wait.
"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us."
The part that is cut out of this recording is the snickering that was done right after it was said.
"Your call is important to us. HAHAHAHA."
"Oh, that's funny. Imagine a guy sitting there who has to go out, but also has to talk to us, getting angry, and he hears 'Your call is important to us?' Because, it's totally not! It's like saying it's not you, it's me! I just wish there was a way we could see their faces!"
Just say what should be said.
"Listen, we're upset that you have a problem and had to call. Do you always want to work? Of course not. It's gonna take a while, because the person who should answer this works in a cubicle with florescent lights screaming down on them for 10 hours, so they may have gone to get a Mars bar. And look at that attractive person at the end of their row, who's beside the really unattractive person who thinks this fluorescent-lit, working-in-a-cube thing is a good job. So, just hold the phone, all right?"
The inventors of these companies should not be heralded as heroes. No roads named after them. Would you name your street after a person who kidnapped you and made you bend to their will? No? Then Ted Rogers doesn't get a road. And yes, he was a Canadian radio pioneer, but his cell phone company destroys that whole legacy.
Most people who work in a call center would love to be hit in the face by a meteor. I took the road of calling in sick 4 out of my 5 shifts a week.
I get it, working there is awful, but calling in is just as awful. These companies do not care. When you have an actual problem with your phone or service, they put you on hold for hours.
"Oh, the buttons blew right off your phone for no reason? Man, too bad. Let me put you on hold for an hour while I connect you to the 'button blow-off' department."
When you want to pay money, though? They're pretty good about answering that call. "Oh, let me take care of that for you. Payment Department? Hahaha, no, we can all except funds. Yeah, anything. Whatever you have, we want it. The other day I accepted teeth a grave robber had dug up. Oh, you're also experiencing reception problems? Eeeeek! Let me put you on hold."
The beginning of the call they try to make it seem as if they have a heart. As if they care about your time.
"We're experiencing a higher-than-normal wait time. Please be patient."
Thanks for the warning, but no, you're not. These are pretty normal. It's always a long wait! I've never heard,
"Wow! We're experiencing a shorter-than-normal wait time. Apparently everyone else gave up after waiting for two hours and hung up. You're lucky: you're going right in!"
These positive reinforcements keep coming as you wait.
"Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us."
The part that is cut out of this recording is the snickering that was done right after it was said.
"Your call is important to us. HAHAHAHA."
"Oh, that's funny. Imagine a guy sitting there who has to go out, but also has to talk to us, getting angry, and he hears 'Your call is important to us?' Because, it's totally not! It's like saying it's not you, it's me! I just wish there was a way we could see their faces!"
Just say what should be said.
"Listen, we're upset that you have a problem and had to call. Do you always want to work? Of course not. It's gonna take a while, because the person who should answer this works in a cubicle with florescent lights screaming down on them for 10 hours, so they may have gone to get a Mars bar. And look at that attractive person at the end of their row, who's beside the really unattractive person who thinks this fluorescent-lit, working-in-a-cube thing is a good job. So, just hold the phone, all right?"
Not one cell phone company cares about you, no matter how many smiling dogs or "regular"-looking people they have paid to say "We love the service!" I know actors need jobs, but Jesus. And if these people are actual real humans who just love the service, they should be beaten to death in the mall, right in front of a kiosk while shopping for cell phone covers.
"I love my cell phone provider! I mean, they let me call people! And I'm just like you! You like wearing dress shoes with jeans, right? Me too! So you should get this plan, too. We could be besties! I'm actually going to take everything out of my house, paint it white and just have blue furniture! ... Ummm, what are you doing with those baseball bats?"
We get mad at the person who answers the phone. The person who answers the phone gets mad at us. Think of this: this horrible cell phone company has gotten humans to fight each other! We call them and go, "God, you guys in this call center are terrible!" They sit and talk about callers: "Man, the people whocall here are so dumb. I mean, it only took me five weeks of training to find out that you have to hold the on button for exactly five seconds then toss it in the air when it freezes. Why can't they figure it out?"
It's not their fault or our fault! It's the CEO who's golfing on a Condor while drinking expensive wine from Li'l Wayne's hat that we should be mad at. He's the problem! You should be able to call them.
"Press 1 to make a payment. Press 2 if you're having a problem with your service. Press 3 if you would like to speak to the CEO, who is currently bathing in diamonds. Warning, pressing 3 may not mean you will speak with the CEO, but you will hear what it would be like to suds up in forever."
The inventors of these companies should not be heralded as heroes. No roads named after them. Would you name your street after a person who kidnapped you and made you bend to their will? No? Then Ted Rogers doesn't get a road. And yes, he was a Canadian radio pioneer, but his cell phone company destroys that whole legacy.
3D technology. Really?
3D is supposed to be the best thing ever. It's supposed to be the way that we have always wanted to watch movies. The way that it was meant to be. Sure, if the world was 2D, it wouldn't be a great place. But a movie shown in 2D, is shown in a 3D world! We don't need it.
3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"
The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."
All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."
They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."
Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."
3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.
3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.
3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."
All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"
Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."
3D seems so childish to me. I don't understand why any adult would want to watch a movie in 3D. A kids movie? I get it. Kids love having computer generated snails voiced by Snooki right in their face.
"haha, dad, that snail said "if you're not a guido, get out of my snail face!", and it's right here! I love when animals say things humans would say!"
I get that, and I'm not upset about it. An adult though? I don't see the appeal.
"Oh man, Gene Hackman is really mad. Look at him! I've never seen him this close or angry. Not since that time I threw popcorn at him on the street. I couldn't tell the difference from the movies and real life with all this 3D!"
The real problem with "3D", is that these movies are not 3D! Most of these movies were not shot in 3D at all. Be what you say you're going to be! The same as if they told you "Hey! Come down to a movie today, and you can get your picture taking with Al Gore!" Then you go, and it's a cardboard cut out of him.
"Hey, this isn't what you said."
"Oh, really? Can you tell me this isn't Al Gore? Have you ever met the man? How do you know he's not made of cardboard? Look, get your picture taken with him, or walk away. He's quite sensitive."
All the companies do is distort the movie so that we have to pay more to see it properly! WOW! They have found a way to get more money out of us for not doing anything better. Actually, making it worse.
"Hey, do you think we could get the audience to pay more?"
"Do I?! I'm so confident in it, I think we can even get them to wear space glasses that they don't need! We put the movie out of focus, and the only way to put it back is with glasses that are 5 dollars more!"
"...See, that right there is why you are the head of marketing, and 3 divorces deep with kids that hate you."
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. I beat those kids ya know."
They might as well say "Hey, this movie is going to cost you 12 dollars to see it. However, if you pay 16, we will not throw white cheddar popcorn powder directly into your eyes. Pay 10 and we will just play the audio for you in the washroom. Movie Theaters, we're here for you."
Is this really what people wanted? Were there focus groups that were screaming for this 3D?
"Listen, I loved Schindlers List. Don't get me wrong. But, is there anyway you could get me CLOSER to the death camps? Like, REALLY close? I mean, what did I pay 12 dollars for? Get me in there!"
Why do people want things closer to them? If you want to be that close to a movie, audition and get into one.
"3D is pretty sweet, it brought me closer to the action! But, so did being on the set. I'd have to say, if I had to choose between dumb glasses or making a bunch of money acting, ahhhhh, tough call. I think I'll go acting. Love the glasses though."
3D glasses in the theatre is one thing. It's a disgrace, but having them at home? How much do you hate your family, that you want to shut them out with ridiculous glasses?
"You know, when I had a conventional t.v., it was always "My day was like this" and "Dad, can you please pay attention to me." It was really harshing my buzz. Now, with 3D t.v., I put on these big, family blocking out glasses, and I don't even know if they're in the house anymore! Plus, Peter Mansbridge just seems better when I can touch him. Thanks 3D!"
People sitting their houses wearing goggles as if they are going on a deep sea diving expedition, but really they are just watching pucks fly at them from the hockey game. "I almost saved that one!" Yeah, you did! Most goalies sit on the couch to train.
3D phones could be the most absurd. You have a 3D phone? Really? Good for you sir. Please take it off the bus! Would you please? You jumped ahead of yourself. You should have a car before you have a 3D phone. People don't need you on the bus with the future while they try to juggle a transfer and deal with the b.o. in this tin can of depression.
"Look guys, I have a 3D phone! Isn't this cool?"
"Look man, I'm on the way to my second job for a double, and I still can't afford one of those. Shut it down, or my fist will be 3D in your eye."
"Really?! Wow. You have the new 3D gloves huh?"
3D used to be used to find the way out of a maze on the back of a cereal box. You used to put on glassed that you found in the box, and go "Hmm, now how do I get this leprechaun through this magical field of choice and walls?" That's the way that it should be at the theatre too. You want 3D? Your glasses should have to be found in your popcorn.
"Man, why didn't you tell me this movie was in 3D? I didn't even buy popcorn!"
"Shhh, I'm trying to pay attention. Right now, there is some butter talking to Brad Pitt. Man, that butter is a powerful actor. God these glasses are slippery."
All of these movies as well don't need 3D. A movie called "Shark night 3D?" Absolutely! That's what it should be for! Campy, ridiculous movies. Piranha 3D, Alligator Mouth 3D, Bees Vs. Slow kids 3D. Not everything though should be 3D. Movies called "The Mechanics Wife" do not need to be in 3D.
"No, dude, when the mechanic tells her that he'd rather change a tire than change his ways, you can really see her heart break as her eyes are two inches from your face. And when the wife learns to change an alternator to win back her husbands love? Man. The montage showing her doing house work covered in oil, and fixing car wearing an apron really shines in 3D. A crouton from a salad come right at your face!"
Why did companies see things from movies in the 80's and go out of their way to make them? Hey, COMPANIES, when we saw movies like "Total Recall" and others that showed 3D, and we said "that would be cool", we didn't know you'd actually do it. We also watched movies and thought "Man, it would be sweet if there were Aliens! Why can't a T-rex chase me? I wish the monster from Cloverfield would crush my neighbors house!" Why haven't you made any of those things happen? That would be some real 3D.
"Hey, do you want to go see that new monster movie in 3D?"
"Ah, I don't think I can. That giant crab that Verizon made ate my entire family. Really horrible. Thanks though. Maybe next week. And hey, if you go out tonight, watch out for werewolves."
Am I traveling or on a timeout?
Flying has got to be one of the top five greatest things that humans are able do. To actually sit in a piece of metal and go 30,000 feet in the air and be able to get to another part of your own country, let alone a completely different one, in a matter of hours? Incredible. So, why is it not a celebration on a plane? Why is everything so cold and robotic?
When you walk on, the flight attendant and Captain should be there to say, "Can you believe that we're actually going to fly?!”
“I know! In the air!”
“We'll be in Vegas in four hours! Two weeks on the stupid train!"
Then they high five you and pop a bottle of champagne.
"My god I love the Wright Brothers. Wooooooo!"
Alas, that is not what happens. A flight attendant is standing at the door to greet you, but only to check your boarding pass the exact way a flight attendant did at the top of the ramp! Does the flight attendant at the top of the ramp mess up so much that they had to get a stewardess on the plane to double check?
"Can I see your boarding pass, sir?...This is a box of Raisin Bran. My God, Cheryl is slipping up there today. Cheryl! This is cereal! Jesus, whose cousin is she?"
Why do the airlines have to talk as if we are in the Oval Office listening to scientists? Even then there might be a "Yo, bro, you wanna give me a second to explain what's in this beaker?"
The language on a plane couldn't be any colder if it was written by Tipper Gore, and edited by a corpse.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to extend our hands in gratitude to you for flying with us. We would ask that you please place your leather body holder in the full and upright locked position, and keep your vision sensors forward as we prepare to ascend into the atmosphere."
Nobody in the real world talks like this! If their are people that do, they should not be allowed on planes, they should be investigated for the murders taking place in their towns. WE ARE FLYING! This should be a celebration!
"Yo guys, it's about to happen! You know when you get on a roller coaster and it goes to the top of the track? Well this plane is gonna do that, but keep going up! INTO THE SKY! And we have alcohol! Can you get a beer on a coaster? Don't think so!"
I just don't understand why it all HAS to be so uncomfortable. I understand you want to make money planes, but the people who paid to be here should be able to unclench their fists without hitting the seat in front of the. You lean back, you crush the top of someone’s laptop who was watching 'Good Burger' to try to shut their mind off and not deal with this tuna can simulator.
Why do the seats need to be straight up for take off? Is there any actual reason for this, other than, "Sir, you were looking kind of comfortable and as if you were about to fall asleep, we just can't have that here. Put your seat straight up, and prick yourself with this needle so you have a disgruntled look on your face".
"Aghgh, god that hurt."
"There you are, sir. Thank you."
The craziest thing to me is that if you have headphones that are anything but earbud headphones, you have to take them off for take-off and landing. What? Why! Well, I asked one day. Do you know why? DO YOU? It's so that if the plane flips upside down during take off, and you fall out of your seat, you won't hang yourself... THAT'S THE REASON I WAS TOLD! Told me as well as if it was law. As if nothing else could possible make more sense than this.
"Oh, it's because if the plane flips over, you don't hang yourself. That's a fact. Nothing is more factual than that. We've done tests, and even needing air to breathe is not as much a fact as hanging yourself with headphones. Seriously. Studies have shown that we might not even need air. Apparently we could be getting our oxygen from the sun. I know, I couldn't believe it either! I do however believe that you will choke yourself if we flip upside down. Headphones off, please."
First of all, it could possibly be the stupidest thing that has ever been said to me, and someone said to me once "You should come to this club man. The girls there, they have hungry eyes".
Second, "if we flip upside down", how often does this happen? That should be looked at and not my headphones.
"We have been flipping a lot of these planes upside down on take offs and landing. We should really look into it."
"What? That's part of the plane’s charm! Might flip this way, that way. It's a ride! We're not looking into that. Just tell people people to brace themselves."
Third, if I want to wear my headphones and the consequence could be hanging myself, let me make that decision myself, all right? I think that's fair. I paid to be here. If the plane flips over, while everyone else is screaming, I want to be choking while Ice Cube blares in my ears.
Being on a plane now is like being in Homeroom.
"Um, stop doing this, stop doing that. Oh, here comes an announcement."
"Kids, I am an ominous voice that sounds as if I'm in a cave. We are experiencing some turbulence, so please keep your safety buckle fastened. Also, remember, Mr. Bleaker’s math class is cancelled today, and oatmeal chocolate chip muffins are just a dollar today in the café. Thanks for flying with High Jet School Airlines."
I'm assuming they are going to keep the terrible safety demonstration on the plane, but can we just get rid of the seat belt part of the safety demonstration? We all know how to buckle a seat belt by now. If you don't, doesn't even matter. A seat belt may help in a car crash, but a plane crash? No way. Never a story that goes, "A plane crashed today, and there were hundreds of survivors, except for one idiot who didn't have on his seat belt. Didn't he know that seat belts stop all bad things from happening? If you were wearing a seat belt while a tiger attacked you, the tiger would politely apologize and lie down in front of you making himself into a foot stool."
Nope, just, "Yeah, a plane crashed today. Survivors? You serious? It's 30,000 feet in the air! Some people die from falling from 10. Seat belts?! Jesus. I'm assuming once the plane made impact those seat belts turned into somewhat of a fire whip that lashed at everyone. Much like Ghost Riders chain. "
One airline was making things fun. Making jokes, having a good time. WestJet told jokes constantly. Then what happened? A flight attendant made a joke about a place they landed, something like "Nobody wants to be here", and people from the town complained! COMPLAINED! The mayor complained about it! This town really must be something if the mayor has time to answer cheap shots from a flight attendant.
"Sir, sorry to bother you from doing your mayoral duties, but someone called our town a Doodie head factory."
"What?! My God. I had a lot of mayoral things to do, but this is now on the top of the list! Roads and schools will have to play second banana today. Doodie head factory. Jesus Christ, my kids live here! They'll have as little fun as I do when I'm done with them!"
So, because of that, now WestJet does not make jokes, and is as un-fun as every other airline. Good going people who can't laugh at themselves. Now on every flight we can all have our seriousness in a full and upright locked position.