Remakes of movies... this needs to end.

Remakes: most are not very good. There are some exceptions. "Cape Fear" with DeNiro is great, as is John Carpenter's "The Thing." "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Absolutely not. Nope. Not at all. Have you seen the original? It's fantastic! Still! It's complete magic! Watch it right now if you are ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest. You're not ready for a beautiful feeling in your chest? Then Johnny Depp and Tim Burton can give you a hand.

I just don't understand why remakes are done. I would get it if aliens came down and took all of the copies of a movie.

"Guys! We have to remake 'Total Recall', because an army of aliens came down and took all copies of the original."

"No way! Okay, with Arnold?"

"Nope, Colin Farrell."

"God, I hope that production team is attacked by an army of aliens."

Also, when Arnold is in a movie, that movie is done and it's as good as it's gonna get! That movie does not need to get made again. You see Commando? Who else could say those lines? Nobody. NOBODY.

The only Arnold movie that could maybe (and that is a maybe) be up for remake would be "Junior." If they wanted to remake "Junior" starring UFC's Brock Lesnar, I wouldn't watch it, but I could understand.

This summer:

"Brock, you are pregnant."
"But I have a fight this weekend!"
"You have to cancel it, or your baby could suffer brain damage."

Will Brock make sure his baby can walk around town, or put his opponent in the ground and pound?

"I may be pregnant, but you can't mess with this!" Brock Lesnar in "Junior."

Some of these remakes come out of left field, too. "Arthur?" "Arthur!" Who was screaming for a remake of "Arthur?" I have seen the original a bunch of times -- I really liked it as a kid. "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" by Christopher Cross is a song I love. Even as a fan of the original, I saw the trailer for the remake, and was so enraged I could have punched Christopher Cross in the face. "When you get caught between the moon and New York City, you dodge a punch, Chris."
They are remaking "Short Circuit!" Stop this! That movie is fine! Steve Guttenberg! GUTTENBERG! Don't take this away from The Gut. They already remade "Haunted Mansion" with Eddie Murphy, basically burying his version. If they remake "Three Men and a Baby" or the "Police Academy" movies, Steve Guttenberg might has well have never existed at all.

I understand a remake if the director and cast weren't happy with the original.

"Guys, remember that scene where you can see my hands while I hold that kid up who is supposed to be falling? My bad, let's try it again."

Or if the movie flopped.

"Listen, we know you guys hated 'Blues Brothers 2000', but we really think we had something there. You know, Blues, Brothers, the year 2000. Just give us another shot!"

Are there actually people who love a movie so much that instead of just watching it again, they want it MADE again?

"I love this movie! I hope they keep putting it out every ten years!"

"But you own it on Blu-Ray and DVD."
"Yeah, but I don't have it written by a guy who used to work at Starbucks and directed by the guy who managed that Starbucks. This time the villain will be played by a cookie. I'm excited!"

I could maybe see terrible movies getting remade, but "Footloose?" Jesus, people love that movie! Why not remake "Transformers 3", or the whole franchise? And this time remake the writers' positions as well.

"Well, judging by the writing of the others, this time you guys will sweep the set. Yes, you can use your pencils if you want, just don't write anything!"

Who wants to see a movie they love get made with a different cast?

"I love Terminator 2, but I wonder what it would have been like if Andy Rooney was T-1000? And if Mike Wallace starred as the Terminator. Yeah, that's what I want. Terminator 2: 60 minutes day."

Nobody really likes these movies, either. Why do people go?! The most you get from someone who sees them is, "It was all right." That's the best!

"Not as good as the original." Of course it wasn't!

"Well I hadn't seen the movie with Katie Couric before." There's a reason for that!

They should make no money. None! At all.

"And this week at the box office, the remake of Jurassic Park made zero dollars, as audiences say, 'We saw this movie 18 years ago.'" Steven Spielberg was flabbergasted. "I'm actually shocked. I didn't think they would remember. I know it was everywhere. Toys, clothes, books, pencils, video games, cups, everywhere, but that was almost 20 years ago! Man, these audiences are good."

I could see movies from the '20s, '30s, '40, and '50s getting remade for a new generation, but the '90s? The '90s! What the hell are we doing?! That just happened.

"Alright guys, that's a rap! Nice, let's reset to film he remake. I know this one hasn't been in theatre yet, but we're saving time. This time, you direct it, and I'll star in it. Don't argue with me, as long as I'm in this chair I'm still the director!"


Why just stop at remaking movies? Why not crucial events in history? Why not remake the moon landing and this time send Bieber up there?
"That's one small step for never, one giant leap for never saying never."


Then people could argue about which one was better.


"Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. I don't know though, it didn't have enough dancing for my liking."

When people dig up the remains of this civilization, they'll see we really just ran out of ideas at some point.

"Wow, they must have been bored. They made 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' five times. Personally, I like the one with Willie Nelson the best. He played a great Greek guy."

People say that a remake will make people want to find out about the original. Will it? When the Playstation 4 comes out, will people go, "Man, I love this system. I wonder where systems started? I'm gonna go buy an Atari!" Absolutely not. They'll say, "Yeah, the Playstation 4! Every system that came before this is garbage. Get that PS3 shit outta my face!"

When Blockbuster ran out of ideas, they shut down. If Barack Obama runs out of ideas of what to do with the free world, he loses it. If 5-10 remakes a year is what you're gonna do, it might be time to shut down Hollywood, and change the sign to "Been-done-before." Or, just remake the Hollywood sign, with purple letters instead of white, totally out of Tupperware. Keep your track record the same.

Romantic Comedies. My god.

I am not a fan of romantic comedies.  Of course, there are some I have seen and enjoyed. “Annie Hall” is obviously fantastic. One time I watched “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” and I enjoyed it. It might have been because I watched it with a girl I had a crush on. Word of advice: if a girl invites you over to watch “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days”, she wants to lose you when the movie is over.

First, the ways that the main characters meet are just too quaint.

"You'll never believe what happened! I was doing my job as a dog walker in the park, and a man ran into me while HE was walking dogs! Turns out, one of the dogs I was walking was his mom’s, and one of the dogs he was walking belongs to my boss who happens to be my ex-husband who played basketball with the guy who hit me in college! Isn't the world a crazy small place? So he's going to come over to dinner at my house to make up for killing the dogs I was walking, and to challenge my boss/ex-husband to a game of one-on-one for my heart!"

Then the first date is something you would have to save up to do with your wife of 10 years, but the main character here is a real man. He picks her up in his Maserati because the Lambo is in the shop, and takes her to a Lakers game, court side. Kobe Bryant falls on their lap and they get caught on the Titantron. The crowd starts to cheer.

"Yayyyy! Beautiful people on the screen with sexual tension! Wooooo!"

They hear the chants, look at each other as if they will kiss, but then Kobe comes over to apologize and ruins the moment. 

This all happens on the first date. First date! What could date two possibly consist of?

"I didn't want to tell you on the first date because I didn't want you to think less of me, but my father actually owns NASA. Have you ever had a candlelit dinner on a space shuttle? Your past boyfriends couldn't offer you that, huh? Wow, what losers. So I'll pick you up at 8? Just joking. My driver will do that."

He invites her over. She spends all day buying a brand new dress because she's a “down-to-earth” girl who wears jeans.  The driver comes to get her, and she's so “down-to-earth” that she says she can get her own door. Since she's “down-to-earth”, she gets caught in the door because she doesn't understand that a dress has more material in it than jeans. Instead of opening the door, she pulls on it and tears the dress in half! She spends the rest of the ride saying to the driver "Oh yeah, everything is okay,” while she's changing in the back. There's a cute scene where the driver catches her shirtless in the rear view and a hilarious line about her character. He thinks he's picked up a hooker.

"Oh dear, who am I driving for? Charlie Sheen?"

Luckily she's resourceful, and uses a piece of gum and a hairpin to fashion the dress into a newer, skimpier one. Where before she looked nice, now she looks “sexy.”

They should be able to have a nice dinner after her harrowing ordeal, but no! The spaghetti blows up! The wine bottle explodes! His dog attacks her! The pipes in the wall burst with all the sexual tension in the room and everyone gets drenched! He tells her to take a shower to wash the tomato sauce out of her soul. He walks in by “accident” to find the phone book, and boom. Magic!

Just when it seems they will be together forever, there's always a crucial point where there is a misunderstanding that seems to have destroyed the amazing two-date foundation they have made. Maybe they go to the theatre, and the main beautiful man says "Here's a handful of money. I would give you my Visa, but I lost it last week scuba diving off the coast of Greece. Why not go grab popcorn and I'll get the tickets?" The main woman walks up to the concessions counter, and the man working behind the counter just happens to be a kid from a day camp where the main woman volunteers. She is an amazing “down-to-earth” person, so they share a laugh about the time she saved the entire camp from being bulldozed to make way for a Nuclear Power Plant/Puppy Killing factory. The main guy sees this and assumes they were flirting.

"This is what you do, huh? I give you at least 200 dollars to buy popcorn, and you try to ride a 17-year-old in public?! Why don't you just blow him?!"

"How could you say that? And you know I wanted to buy Milk Duds."

"Argghrhghgh! This isn't gonna work!"

The main woman has a scene where she talks to her friend at work, who is always a bigger girl with more attitude than all of the comedians on Def Jam. 

"Don't you let him talk to you like that, girl! You be telling him that if he don't appreciate you for you, he won't get to walk into your bakery and order a dozen sex cookies. That's what I'm saying! All right, I was only here to talk like this for a minute and hopefully get a laugh. Gotta go g-friend money girl lady!"

The man sits in his car on the edge of a bluff. He looks down at his hands, and thinks about his entire life. He realizes that after three dates, he has found his wife, and that nothing else in his life matters. He gets out of the car, leaves the door open, and starts to run in the rain. He runs to her job and finds her attitude friend.

"Is Celeste here?"

"Who be axin ‘bout ol’ C-Diddy?"

"... Her future husband."

"We'll see what she got to say ‘bout dat!"

Celeste comes out, and they have a moment. He tells her everything is useless without her, and how sorry he is that he accused her of trying to sleep with a popcorn salesman. He has a three-minute speech about how she is everything he has been searching for. Celeste’s entire office listens. Everyone cries. They kiss. And just then, her ex-husband comes back for her!

"Celeste! I need you back! Who’s this?"

"Her new husband, Charlie! Remember me? College ball?"

"I remember. You could never handle me in one-on-one."

"Let's see about that."

The main character dunks over Celeste’s ex-husband, Charlie. Charlie starts to cry. Kobe comes in and says, "Now that's a dunk!"

Celeste and the main man embrace, and the office cheers. The End. Now we can all go find this fantasy. I hope the bigger girl with attitude I have to deal with doesn't have a gun.

The names for these atrocities are ridiculous also:

"Love Be Nuts"

"Don't Take My Heart On The Train"

"Who’s The Groom?"

"Maid Of Love"

"Who Told Tou?"

"Don't Be That"

"Jesus Christ, I Have Butterflies"

"Did You Order Nachos?"

"Did you order Nachos 2: Hold The Engagement"

"Babbling Brooke” (That one’s about a girl names Brooke who can't stop talking but also lives beside a babbling brook! Just enchanting.)

"Up, Down, Sideways"

"Love Like A Tree"

"Your Mom Said"

"10 Minutes In Tulsa"

"Who Broke My Eggs?"

"Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Love? Aisle 3."

"Cave diving: Sometimes Love Is In Centre Earth"

Or they get right to some point:

"He Just Thinks You’re Fat"

"Maybe If You Could Give A Blowjob"

"She Finds You Creepy And Awkward"

"Look... Leave Me Alone"

"You Still Here?"

"You Were A One-Night Stand. Take Your Toothbrush Out Of My Bathroom"

If the world worked like most of these movies perpetuate, it would be a gross place where beautiful men would drive gorgeous cars and only date fit, well-educated girls whose make-up and hair are always perfect even if they just went through the spin cycle on a dryer, and love to have a good time and laugh... I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

Ads that tell me to "Personalize" things. "Find your frappucino". What's your iphone look like?

All right, this really bothers me: ads telling you that everything is "yours" or that you can make it "your own.” It really hurts my chest. You know, things like Cheez Whiz. “What will YOU do with it?" ...Put....it...on...toast? With all this trash, now you can't even talk to someone with the same computer as you.

"Hey, we have the same computer!"
"No we don't. This is the Steve Johnson. I personalized it. God. Yours is blue. Mine has diamonds on it. Get a grip."
"It's the same computer, though."
"No, mine is a Steve Johnson!"

Personal ads for really mundane things. Starbucks has an ad called "Find your Frappucino." Jesus Christ. You find my Frappucino, you work here! That's ridiculous, "Find your Frappucino."

"Can I have a Mocha Frappucino without whipped cream?"
"Um, actually, that's my Frappucino. Found it yesterday. Find your own".

Why does everything have to be YOURS? Where does this stop by companies?

"Come to the movies, and sit in YOUR own theatre. Why be around 300 other dirtbags? Get that extra legroom you've been after. And rewind the movie wherever you want. Why miss something because you HAD to check your iPhone? Empire: YOUR theatre, YOUR rules.”

"Tired of your cell phone provider having other clients to deal with? We hear you. Call us, and we will open a cell phone company specifically for you! Your own CEO, your own call center with operators standing by to take your calls only, where you can name your company whatever you want, and we will make a phone just for you! You’ve always hated the number 9 button? Of course you have! You're you! Be you, with your own cell phone company.”

I also get personally offended when ads talk to us. When they try to tell you how you are to get you to buy their product.

"We know you. You don't think we do? Yeah, we do. You like to walk, right? Watch movies? Sometimes you even like to get freaky? Scary, huh? Told you we know you. That's why we know that with your busy schedule, you need a chocolate bar that can keep up. The Walking-Movie-Watching-Getting-Freaky bar with almonds. The world doesn't understand you, but it does.”

"We know you like to bike, run, hike, be your own person. We've watched you sleep and saw that every night you roll over at exactly 1:30 a.m.  Find the gum that fits your lifestyle. Your Door Wasn’t Locked, the new gum from Hubba Bubba.

"You think for yourself. You don't believe everything you hear. You find out things on your own. You make your own decisions, you don't follow the pack. Why breathe the same air as other people? Breathe your own air with Hardheaded Air Tanks. You walk alone, now breathe alone. When mother nature calls, you tell her, ‘I got this.’”

Every ad is like this now. All of them, talking to us individually.  How did this become such a thing? Why does everyone need their very own everything? I like different colours and add-ons, but Jesus.

"Man, ANYONE with money can buy these watches? You're serious? That's ridiculous! Let me change the face or something. What, you're gonna let OTHER people choose that face?! Fine. Here. What do you mean? It's my own customized money. You think I'm using the same money these losers use? No way man. That's a 15 dollar and 37 cent bill right there. Made outta leaves –– everyone uses paper."

As well, could ads use real words? Don't spell cool "Kuol". The world is not a grade 10 kid's math desk. People fail courses for spelling things like this.
"Chris, you failed this test because you spelled building "bill-ding."
"But that's my ad for a phone in the shape of a duck’s beak. The Bill-Ding phone.”
"Really? I like ducks! How much are they?"

You can personalize all you want –– you will still have what other people have. Macs, phones, cars, all of it. If this ad sounds appealing –– "Sure, you want an iPhone, but you don't want the one everyone else has. Understandable. They're losers. Choose from millions of skins so you aren't a peasant who has the same phone cover as these other simps. You're better than they are. You're you. Right? Of course you are!" –– it might be time to move to an i-sland.