Veterans and War movies.

I am not a fan of war movies. In so many recent war movies just about all of them now have beautiful, built men to play the soldiers. No non models can be here. Really? EVERY soldier that goes to war has perfect hair and sweet abs? 

"I want to fight for our country!"

"With THOSE cheek bones? Please. We're trying to win this war with force, not by making the enemy puke from looking at disgusting faces. Here, we wouldn't even let you work in the kitchen. Now, put this bag over your head and get out!"

If they do have anyone in a war movie who doesn't look like they work out with the Rock, they play the wiener. The guy who wasn't a 'real' man outside of this, and joined the army to grab some backbone,

"Out there, I was pushed around by my boss at Staples. But now, I just threw a grenade through that hospital window. With these skinny little arms! I'm gonna smack Darryl right in his face when I get back. 'All the printers should have paper in them.' They're not even on, Darryl! They're floor models! See you in town months, dirtbag."

How the hell can everyone be built? Where is the time for all this working out? 

"Alright, we're in a tight situation here. The enemy is all around. We're going to be locked down here for a couple days until backup comes to get us."

"What? A couple days? What about the gym?"

"The gym?! Look, we're in real trouble here. Staying alive is the priority, not the gym."

"I don't care that we are surrounded by enemies. Today's tri's. I'm DOING my dips."

"You can't leave! You could get shot!"

"Well let them shoot me! But I'll tell you this, they are NOT shooting a hole in my work out routine. Tri's. Dips. TODAY!"

Movies about war tend to be all the same as well. Bunch of guys who get locked together in a foxhole or team or tank or battalion or whatever, get into a fight about the tank or foxhole or team leader or who is the strongest in this battalion or whatever, learn that they need each other in this team or tank or battalion or whatever, and by the end basically fall in love.

"You know, at first I hated you, Dallas. You were a real dick. But now, after we held that gun together, both pulled the trigger at the same time, and killed those nameless guards, well hell, I knew that you'd be at my wedding."

Another reason, is that reviews for war movies will always talk about these things as if it's even close to actual war. 

"In this movie, a gorgeous actor with abs is so believable. It's as if he actually went to war, what with his facial contortions and dirty hands. I really thought I was watching a guy go to war! This film is so gritty. It's grittier than war. War has never been this real. This movie about war makes WWII look like Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

It was a movie set! They put dirt on their hands! There was never a point in time when any of these actors were in danger. Never a time when anything was going to have them fearing for their lives. Also, how can an actor playing a soldier make more money than an actual soldier that went to an actual war? How! These are people who fought for a country for someone to have the chance to act in. The chance for others to work in, and they have to worry about finances? 

"I played a soldier in a movie."

"Well holy jesus! You're a hero! Here are millions of dollars, all the women,  and accolades. You're good!"

"I am a soldier. I fought for this country."

"People care a bit! Here's a couple bucks, keep paying your taxes, and if things go south, we go plenty of sidewalks for you to sleep on!"

A soldier who went to an actual war should never have to worry about money. That should be one of the things with coming back. Your rent is paid, you don't pay tax. Not half price off boneless wings at Applebees. The same Applebees that would give the actor who played a soldier this boneless wings for nothing. 

"No, please. It's on us. We're just so happy you came into our humble little building!"

"Excuse me, can I get some more water?"

"Ohhhhhh, look at this. A veteran needs some more water. Why don't you just calm down? I'm TALKING to a LEGEND at this TABLE so if you could PLEASE just wait a minute? God. Sorry about that, actor. As I was saying, it's on us."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Ebola. Not me. Not you.

Well, we did it again. We figured out another disease to scare people with. A few years ago, it was bird flu. Then swine flu. Then we skipped right over lizard cough, tiger itch, giraffe throat and went straight to Ebola. No animal attached to this. Just a horrifying, scary disease that apparently makes you melt from your face and gives everyone something to talk about. People in NY that I talk to are horrified that they are going to get Ebola. You have a better chance of getting a G train in under twenty minutes then getting Ebola.

"Where the hell is this train! I've been waiting forever!"

"Me too."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the Ebola strand. You haven't been watching TV?"

I get the talking about it, but do we have to keep showing the Ebola strand? Is that helping anything? It's like Ebola is on America's Most Wanted.

“This strand is not a fan of your average man. It started its trail of crime in West Africa, terrorizing the locals before heading to America to gain a foothold on another market. If you have any info about this purple menace, call 1-888-Don't-Share-A-Drink-With-That-Strand.”

What does showing the strand do? You can't see it! What are we supposed to do with that information? If we see a sick person, cut them open and get a real good look?

“Steve, this looks just like the strand they keep showing on TV. I think you have to leave my house. And stop bleeding on your way out!”

Also, can we get a better name for it? Something that really brings the weight to the situation? Like 'Melt Your Face' disease? 'Fluids Through Your Eyes' affliction? Ebola sounds like a country you don't want to go to.

“Where'd you vacation?”

“Ebola. Awful food. Too hot. Nobody slept with me. Terrible place.”

Barack named Robert Klain as the Ebola Czar to coordinate US efforts to contain the outbreak. The Ebola Czar. Doesn't that sound like a person who throws Ebola at people?

“I am the Czar of Ebola! I am the one passing it around. Fear me or I will send it your way!”

Is there not a better name for that position? Ebola container? Tupperware of Ebola? The Ebola stopper guy? The dude who'll box up Ebola? But Czar? Why don't we start calling police officers the Sultans of Crime? Or judges the Lords of Justice? Can't wait to see who Barack appoints the Ayatollah of the Flu.

Nobody is going to get Ebola. It is not going to spread throughout the universe. This is not the 1800s. You might get it if you are trying to. If you are walking around, screaming into the night that Ebola ain't shit, and getting everyone to spit at you, you might, MIGHT, get it. Just living your life? Getting on trains with strangers? You are not getting it. 

"You hear me, Ebola!? I'm calling you a bitch! Fear me, Ebola! FEAR ME!"

"Look, sir. I don't know what to charge you with, but as an officer, I have to tell you to at least calm down. Go home, sleep whatever this is off, and talk to Ebola tomorrow when you have a clearer head."

I don't think it's as big a deal as they say it is, because a couple of times an American apparently gets the disease in Africa, and they fly them back to America for treatment. Fly them back here. Now, if the disease was THAT crazy a thing, wouldn't you keep the affected American over there, and send people to them? Why in the HELL would you put someone that you KNOW has Ebola, on a PLANE and fly them to densely populated America?

"Jesus Christ, this disease got one of our own."

"Should we send people over to them?"

"Send people where? To Africa? Have you ever BEEN to Africa? They got nothing over there! No, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I'd rather every American get Ebola than EVER said four of them over to Africa."

Flu is a legit thing to worry about. You ever had the flu? It feels like you just got Ebola. It ain't cool AT ALL.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

American news coverage. Jesus.

Recently, there was a shooting in Ottawa. For anyone that doesn't know, and really you should, that is in Canada and is Canada's capital city. A man shot a soldier outside of a memorial in front of Parliament Hill. The soldier was killed, and the shooter was also killed by police. I heard about this through twitter, while I was in New York. The day before I was in Toronto, and I was really wondering what the coverage of this would be like in Canada. Because I saw the coverage here in America, and woa buddy, what a ridiculous thing it was to watch.

First of all, the news here does nothing, not one thing to make people be calm about an incident. Every thing is, 'This happened here, so you know damn well it could happen to you! Bolt your doors! Grab a gun, your kids, your kids gun, and look suspiciously at every single person you don't know or think that you know! ANYONE can be a person who can do the thing or have the disease or be the tiger that we are talking about today. Brace yourself!" There is no, 'Hey. This happened, but let's all remain calm." It's almost as if every news story is some wacky comedy where somebody says not to panic, and that person is trampled beyond belief by people who don't care about that at all. 

All of the footage I saw on American TV was police running. That was it. Police running. Just cops, running through Parliament. Why would they do that? Why would that be what is shown? Probably so that people at home go, 'Jesus, cops are moving fast! Something crazy must be going on there!' It was just cops running! Or cops holding guns. Yes, they have guns. Cops in Canada have guns. That is part of being a cop. But do you have to just show the most frantic parts of a situation? Why not just have a guy screaming at the camera?

"We're going live to the situation. What's happening down there at the bank?"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Well, there you have it. Total fear and panic."

Also, most times people in America do not care at all about what is happening in Canada. We either have to have a mayor do crack or a soldier be shot for America to even mention Canada. And why were they talking about the shooting in Ottawa? From what I could tell, it was to scare Americans. The general feeling was that, 'Hey, guys. If it can happen in Canada, something BIG is coming our way." American TV was asking questions like, 'Is this a terrorist attack? Should we be alarmed?" What the hell are you talking about? Why in the hell just not talk about what is, not what this might be?

"Rain predicted for tonight. Is it the end of the world? Will it be acid rain? Are aliens urinating on us? Get scared!"

It's done only to make people afraid. Just to make people sit at home and freak out over what might happen. There were three or four reporters/journalists/whatever sitting around tables on TV, talking about what could be going on in Canada. Just people, who have nothing to do with Canada, talking about a shooting in Canada and speculating on what it could be.

"Does this mean America has to worry? Should we be worried that terrorists are attacking from the top down?"

Why does 'terrorists' have to be thrown right in there? Is that the answer to everything?

"And for a thousand dollars, who was the first man to eve...

"Terrorist!"

"What?! Where?! Shows cancelled. Nobody wins. There's a terrorist somewhere!"

News in America is a haunted house that never let's up. The minute you step in, people are chasing you with chainsaws and throwing bats at you. You think around the next corner it will calm down, but it doesn't.