A man orders a sandwich. What he received was a blog about those types of articles.

You've seen a headline like this. It's pretty much all Facebook has become. People posting articles with ridiculous, goading titles that make others click on them.

"A woman looks at a snake. What she saw in it's dead eyes made her switch to Geico."

"A man opens his phone bill. What he saw under 'Balance Due' made him rock hard."

These articles are posted everyday, people click, and what happens next, will rock your whole face to your core and back up to your head then off again to the floor.

What usually happens is the article is supposed to see a situation in a different light. Snakes aren't that bad, have human feelings, and can turn you on. You never know what you'll find in the mail. That type of thing. People get sad, or happy, or inspired by the story. They are always supposed to have some kind of point. Some sort of life lesson that you will pick up at the end of the story. You're supposed to click, and change how you look at the world.
"Wow. I always hated opening my phone bill. I mean, it's just more money I have to throw away. But this one made a guy rock hard? From now on, I'll be excited to open them!"

What really happens? Is that someone, somewhere makes money from the ads that are posted on this story. You click on it, someone gets paid. Which is why they are written to get you to open them. It works. If someone comes up to you and is very vague about something, you'd want to know more about the situation.
"Hey, I ordered a rum and coke from this bar. What they gave me opened my mind up to unimaginable things."
(Person walks away)
"Woa. I was going to get a rum and coke. What the hell did he get? Sex on the beach? Tom Collins? DMT? I gotta ask him."

It's not just these types of articles that make us click. There are articles that instantly make people angry, and so they click to read more. "Man kicks ice cream cone into kids face". "Bus driver won't let old woman on the bus". "Second graders thrown off of a cliff because they couldn't find Dakota on a map". People will post these articles and comment underneath to let you know how angry they are.

"'Man strangles dog with live cat.' How the hell could he do that?! This is awful. Do you hear me, cat rope strangler! I hate you! I hope a fifty foot cat chokes YOU!"

An article about a woman who beat her kids with a bike that's on fire will be posted. She lives in Sasquatch, Kentucky or wherever the hell, and we'll get pissed that this woman lit this ten speed on fire and started playing tee ball with her kids. We shouldn't care at all. 

Why do I say we shouldn't care? Because honestly, I don't believe that all of these articles are real. There's no way. Am I an article doctor? No. But there's no way some of these aren't just meant to get you outraged so that you click. Why would there be a news story about a racist letter a woman wrote? I saw an article that was 'Woman writes letter to her neighbour that she should have her autistic son put down". Real thing? I don't believe it. And again, even if it is, the woman's an idiot, who cares? She's not the president. She doesn't have any power. A letter at your door like that is just a written out YouTube comment.
"I would love to post that her autistic son scares the hell out of me and should die, but she doesn't have a video of him online. Wait! People used to write letters when they wanted to comment. To my pen and paper!"

I think a lot of this stuff is wrestling. It's made up to make us angry. Wrestlers do this constantly. Get people riled up to buy pay per views and to buy tickets to live events. Cool. Not a problem. They are selling a show. When writers do it, there is no 'show'. There is an article. Still, if they want to make us angry, put some show behind it. Write it like a wrestling promo.
"Let me tell you something, brother! When this man in Oklahoma kicked a dog, dude, he did it with all of the force of the Hulkamaniacs, man! He said his prayers, ate his vitamins, and really leaned into this kick, dude. That dog started barking, man, yelping in pain. This Sunday, when animal and man are forced into the squared circle for a rematch, brother, who knows who will come out on top! Will dog kick man? Will man bite dog? This Sunday, live at the Pontiac Silver dome, it's Ruff-venge, dude!"

I don't think these articles are real either because there's no resolution at all. No follow up. What happened to the woman and that stupid letter? Where did the guy who was putting seventy eight year old, and ONLY seventy eight year old women, in the Boston Crab until their spines cracked go to? Usually, news stories have resolutions.
'We found the suspect. Man who was putting a live turkey in his ass and then going to the grocery store? Yep. Caught him. No more 'gobble gobble' and 'wobble wobble' for this man.'
Unless we see follow ups to crazy headlines, we shouldn't get upset. Until then, the story could just be a way to get you to click. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Way To Do Twitter.

Some people think twitter is just for jokes. Some people think it's just for news or used for keeping up to date with what's happening in the world. And then, there's others, who know EXACTLY what twitter should be used for. They follow a certain set of rules, and therefore, have the greatest time possible on the site. Here are some of those rules.

1. Use Twitter to tell someone they should die because they don't like what you like.
One of the greatest things about twitter is that you can let the people who you don't like the same things as you know exactly how they should die. And why not? They said something you don't agree with. Makes sense. They think Obama is doing a good job, you don't. Death. They like the Mets. Is there any amount of spikes through their face that's enough for this infraction? Absolutely not. They worked on something, put it out into the world and you don't like it. Well THAT'S a barrel of acid in their face and face of their whole family. I'm with you. Who do they think they are to not ask the whole world what they think of something before they put it out? Murder directly to their face. You're right. Send a tweet at them detailing all of these things. That's what it's here for.

2. Use Twitter for racist/hateful thoughts.
You can't just drive around yelling at EVERY type of person you hate. It takes so much damn time. And maybe you live in a place where most of the people you hate don't even live. How can you yell at THOSE people? Twitter has got you covered. Black people are terrible. All asian people are chinese. Gay people SHOULD be burned. Best is, you don't have to waste time writing a thesis. No need for a middle or closing arguments. No need to post it and ask others to read. Just get straight to the point. "Women are terrible!" "I can't stand Slovakians!" "Somebody tell Connie Chung that she should go back to Afghanistan! #Asia." There you go. Twitter will deliver that message. People will get this message, and they'll change their ways.

3. Use Twitter for thoughts about a documentary you just watched.
Yep, you watched a documentary, and instantly changed your mind about a topic. You think other people should as well. You think that all whales should be set free. Well, get on twitter. You can't believe that that's how these whales were treated. You thought that taking a whale out of it's habitat and putting it into a big bowl was a good thing. That the whales were kept at a persons house with the password to NetFlix when they weren't working. Hey, I'm with you. Makes sense. Who would have thought that trapping an animal and taking it away from it's family was a bad thing? Whales should be so excited that humans like them. Is there a Cockroach World? A Spider Land where we watch tarantulas do tricks? No. Because we hate those things and crush them on site. Take to twitter with the documentary thoughts. People that capture whales should be beaten within an inch of their life. You are outraged today, and twitter has got you covered.

4. Use Twitter to worry about what some idiot thinks.
You're scrolling through twitter, and you see somebody is pissed about some other guy. You check out that guy, and see it's some stupid preacher in the middle of nowhere who has a congregation of two hundred people who says that homosexuality is an abomination. Time to spend the day getting angry about it! 'How could he say that?' you tweet. 'Gay people are great people. I have so many gay friends' you type in one hundred and forty characters. Or you are gay. How could this complete loser, piece of garbage idiot think this way and say it to other loser, pieces of garbage people who believe it? It is time, to use your twitter to give them more attention. Start typing away, tweets at this man, to people who hadn't heard of this idiots hateful thoughts. Let everyone know what he said! I mean, that's kinda what he wanted. Get right in there and help him out. He hates gay people? You'll show him. You'll tell everyone about him. Crisis averted, and twitter was there.

5. Use Twitter to be the first to make a horrible joke about a tragedy.
A kid was just set on fire and thrown off a cliff. A whole city was destroyed by a maniac with a nuclear weapon. Horrible tragedy. What's that time for? Jokes. Jokes about what has happened. If you can be the first to be the most callous and disgusting person, maybe you'll get some sort of deal for something. Maybe you'll get more followers. The ULTIMATE thing! The people involved in this tragedy need jokes. That's for sure. They're carrying their arms, bleeding from the soul. I'd need a joke in that situation.
"Hey, man. You had glass blown into your face from that explosion. That's seven years bad luck!"
"Oww, hey... hahaha. That's great, man. Really funny, ow. Thanks! That's better than bandages."
Don't wait a day. Don't even wait an hour. Tweet out something hilarious about people in pain during the coverage. Good way to use twitter.

6. Use Twitter to let others know compliments you receive.

A lot of times people won't repeat compliments. They say them once and on days when you feel bad you can sit in a bed wondering what it's all for, trying to remember that compliment. Twitter has got you covered. Send that compliment out again, to everyone! It's a strange thing to do because it's not as if you're sending the compliment out to people who haven't heard of you. The compliment goes to people who are already following you. They know you're good! That's why they pushed the button. Are you trying to make your followers feel comfortable about their decision? Are you self conscience about their thoughts of you? Either way, good for you. You probably go up people at parties and tell them what others think about you. 

"Hey. Guess what that guy over there said about me? Said I'm PRETty awesome."

"Cool. I think the same thing. That's why I came to your party."

"Yeah, I know. But THAT guy, that you don't know, he also thinks I'm PRETty awesome."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Diner? Let's do it.

I love diners. Love them. Just about every city, town, village, borough, municipality, alleyway has a diner. Even places so small that they only have two intersections. One of those intersections will have a diner. Probably a diner/gas station/ tire shop/ shower for truckers/ police station/ liquor store, but it will be there. Or it's four am and you're wandering in a city, you want some food, and over the hill, what do you see? A gorgeous, tiny, come as you are diner. Love these damn places for many reasons.

EVERYONE goes to diners. Every type of person. Hot people go to diners, ugly people, tall people, tiny baby people, amputees, full-utees, and everyone in between. You can see giant men in scooters whose flab is touching the floor crushing milk shakes. You can see a gorgeous woman with a huge ass in tight pants passing out drunk while eating a cheeseburger. People who look like they've strangled cats. People who look like they help people strangle cats. Cops. The complete opposite of cops. Diners are like grown up cafeterias in city high schools. Jocks, nerds, teachers, posers. They are all there.

Diners are usually opened twenty four hours. All damn day! How great is that? What other places are open twenty four hours? Some grocery stores, sure, which is great, but it's food that you then have to make. Not even all shady places are open all day. Strip clubs close. And where do those strippers end up? Diners. I guess drug houses are open twenty four hours a day, but you can't get a pulled pork sandwich in a building that also sells meth.
"Yo, man. I need an eight ball, and a Cuban."
"Cuban? Cigar? Cuban person, motherfucker?"
"Naw, the sandwich. Cuban sandwich."
"I cook meth here, not meat.... Wait. If I cooked meat, you'd buy, meat, AND meth? Let me think about it."

Diners also don't have any weird rules. ANY time of day, you go in to a diner you can get what you want. That doesn't happen anywhere else. McDonald's has strict breakfast times. Not diners. Want breakfast at 11pm? Done. You want to start your day with a turkey dinner and a bowl of raisin bran? No problem. Where else can your ridiculous craving for pancakes and whip cream with a side of gyro meat at four in the morning be filled? Not even at a place that only sells those things.
"Hey, can I get combo number one?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but we ar..."
"What do you mean? You are called 'Pancakes and whip cream gyro meat dreams'! Tag line, 'Are you a monster who wants these things together? Well come on in and we'll make you feel better'.
"Yes, I know. But we are closed. This is a very niche store. We gonna keep this open all day? You're the only person I've seen eat here and we go through this every night! See you tomorrow, Chris."
".... Alright. Goodnight, Steve."

Menus at diners are massive. You could beat somebody to death with a diner menu. Some of these things are about twenty pages. Twenty pages! Of food! In one place! How do they have space for this? Do they NEED twelve types of sandwiches? Nope. But they have them. Why? Because diners are magical. Five different muffins. Seven cakes. Eight burger options. Don't even try to count the number of ways you can get potatoes. Gyros, soups, kabobs, desserts. Diners are the Shang Tsung of restaurants. It's like they have sucked up everything off of everyone else's menu. About four hundred food options, and twelve seconds to decide what you want. Usually a waitress will hand you a menu, spin in a circle, and ask you if you're ready.
"Hey, here's an encyclopedia of every piece of food ever made. Also, don't forget, that you can also order whatever you want, even if it's not on the menu, and we'll figure it out for you... Do you know what you want?"
"I haven't opened the menu yet."
"Okay. I'll give you a minute.... (rock paper scissors with herself) .... You ready now?"

There are no topics of conversation off limit in these places. You can talk about ANYTHING in these places. Family, sex, breaking the law. People for sure plan bank jobs in diners. Criminals sitting in booths for hours talking about how they're going to get the key from the manager.
"Honestly, I say, just walk in, crack him in the fuc... Oh, yeah. I'll have a cherry coke and a burger. Hey, let me ask you a question. If you were gonna get the keys from your manager, you think cracking him in the head would get the job done?"
"Um. No. I'd just ask him."
"(GASP) Just ask him!"
People sit in diners and talk about work. People go into diners late and talk about banging people in club bathrooms. At any level, too. You can talk as loud as you want about the sex you're having.
"LAST NIGHT I BANGED THIS PERSON AND IT WAS A GREAT TIME!"
"Oh yeah? That sounds awesome."
"IT WAS! WE WERE MAKING AS MUCH NOISE AS I AM RIGHT NOW, IN THIS DINER! LAST NIGHT I YELLED 'DEAR GOD, I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD, I MIGHT BREAK SOMETHING', AND NOW,  I'M GOING TO YELL, 'HEY, PUT EXTRA CHEESE ON THAT BURGER. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD!"

Diners also aren't picky about how long you're there. You can order a coffee, maybe a bagel, sit there for six hours, nobody will anything say to you. Chill the whole damn day. Any other place letting you do that? Don't think so. You can't go into Red Lobster, just get biscuits, and sit there for hours.
"What would I like....? Well, I'm going to maybe talk on my phone for awhile, maybe someone will come meet me. I'll probably have a bunch of cigarettes waiting for this bus I have to get on... That'll probably be six hours.... I'll just have a diet pepsi. And keep em coming."

Waiters and waitresses at diners don't care what you're doing. If you walked into a steakhouse with puke on your shirt, you might get some looks.

"Hello, I'll be serving you tonight. Can I start you with som... oh god."

"Wooooooo! Yeah. I'll start with.... (burp)... ah, god. I'll take a .... fuuuuuucckkkkk."

"Sir, there's a little bit of... you have some... on your shirt there."

"Oh, this? Yeah.... it's not mine. A girl fell into me an.... (burp)... I'll take a.... aaahhhhh, I can't stop spinning."

Waiters at diners? Won't even look twice. You could come in there with your head cut off, holding a dead hooker. They won't even blink an eye.

"Hey, sorry that I'm coming in this way, but before I head to the hospital I wanted to get some food."

"Sorry? Sorry for what? Wasting my time? Just order your food. Is that head eating? What does it want?"

And that's another thing that makes diners great. It's acceptable to be what you are. You're beyond trashed? You're a seven hundred pound cripple? You have half a head and six arms? Cool. How do you take your coffee? Diners won't kick you out for being drunk. Diners won't kick you out for being smacked out of your mind on smack. Diners won't even kick you out for beating a kid at your table for not eating his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets (which diners have!). As long as diners are around, we will all have a place to go.

twitter @nathanmacintosh