6 Ways to Get Your Loser Self Out Of Your House.
The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now
have become lists. In every paper, every
magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find
lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
'7
ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a
parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5
things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to
approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give
you her number and to please leave her alone'.
Just
lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times.
People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for
not agreeing with them.
"If
you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are
an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid?
You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all
time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"
People seems to like these, so I
figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a
list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.
"6
ways to get your loser self out of your house."
1.
Throw
your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.
Sure,
you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on
YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then,
some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos.
"I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the
drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go
outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many,
you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick
sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour.
Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on
'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go
outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch
naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream
that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your
house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go,
stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of
money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in
the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your
essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half?
Same thing. Finish your computer!
2.
Put
all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.
You
keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know
what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and
back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside
and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple
Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta,
you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where
people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The
guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece
of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's
the whole point of this article, so... suck it!
3.
Oh,
you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!
Look,
EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use
their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out
of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these
hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to
stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of
your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look
at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just
found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face
any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a
trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.
"Door?
Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy
in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen
after a night of drinking”.
You
live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out
of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good
parachute. Here's hoping.
4.
Can't
get out of your house? Get evicted!
So,
you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good
enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every
Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't
get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop
paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop
paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a
coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw
you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy
Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street!
No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!
5.
Set
it on fire.
Do
YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider,
probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the
couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay
anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling
you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno
in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you
spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out
or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the
gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed
in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many
cardigans.
6.
Just
get out, bud!
Yeah,
just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You
know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair
while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your
cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to
place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other.
That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into
any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you
probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You
have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw
yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure
out everything for you?
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
ADD. Focus. Where?!
I've
had ADD for a long time. My whole life? That makes sense. I don't
know if you can get adult onset ADD. Some people say they have ADD
because they can't stop looking at their phones. That's not ADD. In
the eighties when kids had ADD, they weren't just standing in the
kitchen looking at a phone hanging on a wall.
It's even hard for me to write these. I could have these done in an hour if it wasn't for ADD. I sit here changing songs, checking Twitter, going to the kitchen, coming back, going back to the kitchen for no real reason, watching a video of a guy beat a level in a video game, read some news, come back to the blog, just completely zone out and think about life, go back to the kitchen for one pretzel, check phone, decide that 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen will be played ten times in a row, back to blog. And now, I believe I'm done. Pretzel.
Twitter @Nathanmacintosh
"Chris!
I'm talking to you! Why do you keep looking at the phone?"
"Huh?
What? Oh, I don't know. What were you saying?"
"I
was saying that you have to clean your roo... stop looking at the
damn phone! It's not ringing!"
"I
think it just beeped! Oh, that was my Krang action figure. Wait! It
just rang! I told you!"
ADD
does not mean your just look at electronics. It means your brain is
wired different than most people.
I
wasn't diagnosed with it as a kid because I was quiet. Actually, I
wasn't diagnosed with it because my brother and I are close in age,
and when he came around, he was given the attention for it. Did I
have it? It's a little bit harder to spot in me. Did HE have it? No
damn question. None at all. The man was always jumping around,
yelling about something, talking nonsense. In his own words, he has
'Super Saiyan' ADD. Regular Goku gets less attention than Super
Saiyan Goku.
"What's
Goku doing?"
"He's
just sitting there, staring off into space. Nothing big."
"Whoa!
Now he's turning into a giant ape and he's talking about video games!"
"Oh
no! Now this, I will pay attention to."
So,
I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, and went to school where I'm sure
teachers figured I had it. I was always told in school that I talked
too much. 'Nathan is smart, but he talks to much'.
Teachers
HATE talking. Students talking and asking questions is most teachers
kryptonite.
"Okay,
class, today we're going to learn quadratic functions."
"What
will we need those for?"
"Ah...
just do them..."
"But,
I'm just wondering when I will need to use them as an adult?"
"...Ugh...
losing power... can't... contain an air of control while... being
questioned... Get out... before I lose all... motor skills.... GET
OUT!"
I
was kicked out of class all the time, and because of that, suspended
a lot. Suspensions led to an expulsion. I went back the next year and
was on the honour roll, but still. I was expelled. Since I wasn't a
kid who couldn't just sit and do the work they were told to do
without asking questions about it, I was punished. Because my brain
does not allow me to learn the way that 90% of the world does, I'm a
problem? I'm expelled the same way that people who fight are? I'm on
THAT level?
"You
punched a woman in the face for her FUBU jacket. You're expelled. And
Nathan, you asked your chemistry teacher while you'll need to know about
moles? ... Wow! You asked a TEACHER a question Get the hell out right
now."
During
high school, I was really bored in class. I could talk and write
tests at the same time, so I would. Teachers would tell me I was
disrupting others, and I'm sure I was, but what was I supposed
to do? I'm smart and have ADD, and we're writing a test about Canadian
history. You gave me a full hour! I'm gonna focus on a high school
test about birch bark canoes as if I'm trying to disarm a bomb that
only has a minute left on the timer?
"Nathan.
Here's a test you could have passed when you were twelve. Give it
your undivided attention."
"Okay.
I need gloves, a pair of scissors, and thirty five seconds alone.
Don't worry. I'm gonna get an eighty five percent on this thing."
ADD
also plays apart in what I do. The way my brain works, I'm not a fan
of joke jokes. It's not that I don't 'like' like jokes, (does
that make sense?) they just irritate me. Monologue jokes on late
night shows is a good example. Not that they are doing anything
wrong. It's not the jokes fault or the person delivering it, it's my
brain. My brain just sees it and says,
"I
get it. This happened, then that happened. This is too linear. God,
I'm annoyed at this. I'm bored out of my damn mind. How are people
enjoying this? Doesn't anyone else want to yell, 'What's with all the
huge pauses? Why are you taking these extended vacations between set
ups? Talk for god sake! Would a real human being say, "Hey, I
went to the store the other day, and something weird
happened............ it was this." Just say the damn thing! Say
it! I'm beyond frustrated right now."
These
are the thoughts that go through my brain. Again, not anyones fault,
and I don't think there's anything wrong with this style of joke
telling or the people that do it, it's just how my mind works. For me, I have to go off track, I make things up on stage, I jump around between topics. It's what works for me.
Stand
up sometimes has to be somewhat linear. Doing jokes on TV, or
showcasing for festivals, they want to know exactly what you are
going to say. This used to be a problem for me. I can't stand the a
to b of things. When I first started showcasing, I would just eat
it. Maybe not all the time, but to me it felt that way. I was always
told to do old jokes on festivals and TV. Do old jokes that I know
work. I can't do that! I figured out what
works for me. If I have to do eight minutes for TV or a showcase, I
will do one or two new things with some other stuff I've been doing
for a bit. Anytime I've done something on TV, I will do something
pretty new to comedians standards. Like one or two months old. If I
don't, everything I say will sound dry and awful. I'll look like I'm
bored.
"Nathan!
You just performed on TV but you looked like you were cycling through NetFlix. What movie do you think you'll pick?"
"Man, I'm not sure. Right now it's between Fast Five and VHS. Suggestions?"
"Man, I'm not sure. Right now it's between Fast Five and VHS. Suggestions?"
ADD
makes it so hard for me to stay excited about things for a long
time. I get crazy addicted to things and then I'm done with
them. Songs, shows, games. Even clothes. I went through a faze where
I was in love with polos for some reason. I had about nine all in
different colours. Then one day, boom. Didn't like them anymore.
Haven't worn one since.
"Hey,
do you have a problem with polo shirts? I don't see you guys together
anymore."
"...
I don't want to talk about it."
"You
guys used to be so close, though. Did something happen?"
"I
said I don't want to talk about it, okay? Wait... why do you ask? Did polos ask about me?"
I
do that with projects, jokes, everything. It's very hard for me to
stay excited about things long term. I have to trick myself into
staying excited.
It works against me in some social situations as well. I can be in a group of people and feel that I'm not apart of it. My mind doesn't stop enough sometimes to focus on what's going on in front of me. I feel alone in some social situations. I'm not great at them all the time. I'm trying to focus on people and talk, but my mind is jumping all over the place.
It works against me in some social situations as well. I can be in a group of people and feel that I'm not apart of it. My mind doesn't stop enough sometimes to focus on what's going on in front of me. I feel alone in some social situations. I'm not great at them all the time. I'm trying to focus on people and talk, but my mind is jumping all over the place.
It's even hard for me to write these. I could have these done in an hour if it wasn't for ADD. I sit here changing songs, checking Twitter, going to the kitchen, coming back, going back to the kitchen for no real reason, watching a video of a guy beat a level in a video game, read some news, come back to the blog, just completely zone out and think about life, go back to the kitchen for one pretzel, check phone, decide that 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen will be played ten times in a row, back to blog. And now, I believe I'm done. Pretzel.
Twitter @Nathanmacintosh