6 Ways to Get Your Loser Self Out Of Your House.

The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now have become lists. In every paper, every magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.

'7 ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5 things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give you her number and to please leave her alone'.

Just lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times. People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for not agreeing with them.

"If you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid? You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"

People seems to like these, so I figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.

"6 ways to get your loser self out of your house."

1. Throw your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.

Sure, you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then, some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos. "I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many, you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour. Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on 'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go, stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half? Same thing. Finish your computer!

2. Put all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.

You keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta, you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's the whole point of this article, so... suck it!

3. Oh, you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!

Look, EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.

"Door? Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen after a night of drinking”.

You live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good parachute. Here's hoping.

4. Can't get out of your house? Get evicted!

So, you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street! No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!

5. Set it on fire.

Do YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider, probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many cardigans.

6. Just get out, bud!

Yeah, just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other. That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure out everything for you?

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

ADD. Focus. Where?!

I've had ADD for a long time. My whole life? That makes sense. I don't know if you can get adult onset ADD. Some people say they have ADD because they can't stop looking at their phones. That's not ADD. In the eighties when kids had ADD, they weren't just standing in the kitchen looking at a phone hanging on a wall.

"Chris! I'm talking to you! Why do you keep looking at the phone?"

"Huh? What? Oh, I don't know. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that you have to clean your roo... stop looking at the damn phone! It's not ringing!"

"I think it just beeped! Oh, that was my Krang action figure. Wait! It just rang! I told you!"

ADD does not mean your just look at electronics. It means your brain is wired different than most people.

I wasn't diagnosed with it as a kid because I was quiet. Actually, I wasn't diagnosed with it because my brother and I are close in age, and when he came around, he was given the attention for it. Did I have it? It's a little bit harder to spot in me. Did HE have it? No damn question. None at all. The man was always jumping around, yelling about something, talking nonsense. In his own words, he has 'Super Saiyan' ADD. Regular Goku gets less attention than Super Saiyan Goku.

"What's Goku doing?"

"He's just sitting there, staring off into space. Nothing big."

"Whoa! Now he's turning into a giant ape and he's talking about video games!"

"Oh no! Now this, I will pay attention to."

So, I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, and went to school where I'm sure teachers figured I had it. I was always told in school that I talked too much. 'Nathan is smart, but he talks to much'. 

Teachers HATE talking. Students talking and asking questions is most teachers kryptonite.

"Okay, class, today we're going to learn quadratic functions."

"What will we need those for?"

"Ah... just do them..."

"But, I'm just wondering when I will need to use them as an adult?"

"...Ugh... losing power... can't... contain an air of control while... being questioned... Get out... before I lose all... motor skills.... GET OUT!"

I was kicked out of class all the time, and because of that, suspended a lot. Suspensions led to an expulsion. I went back the next year and was on the honour roll, but still. I was expelled. Since I wasn't a kid who couldn't just sit and do the work they were told to do without asking questions about it, I was punished. Because my brain does not allow me to learn the way that 90% of the world does, I'm a problem? I'm expelled the same way that people who fight are? I'm on THAT level?

"You punched a woman in the face for her FUBU jacket. You're expelled. And Nathan, you asked your chemistry teacher while you'll need to know about moles? ... Wow! You asked a TEACHER a question Get the hell out right now."

During high school, I was really bored in class. I could talk and write tests at the same time, so I would. Teachers would tell me I was disrupting others, and I'm sure I was, but what  was I supposed to do? I'm smart and have ADD, and we're writing a test about Canadian history. You gave me a full hour! I'm gonna focus on a high school test about birch bark canoes as if I'm trying to disarm a bomb that only has a minute left on the timer?

"Nathan. Here's a test you could have passed when you were twelve. Give it your undivided attention."

"Okay. I need gloves, a pair of scissors, and thirty five seconds alone. Don't worry. I'm gonna get an eighty five percent on this thing."

ADD also plays apart in what I do. The way my brain works, I'm not a fan of joke jokes.  It's not that I don't 'like' like jokes, (does that make sense?) they just irritate me. Monologue jokes on late night shows is a good example. Not that they are doing anything wrong. It's not the jokes fault or the person delivering it, it's my brain. My brain just sees it and says,

"I get it. This happened, then that happened. This is too linear. God, I'm annoyed at this. I'm bored out of my damn mind. How are people enjoying this? Doesn't anyone else want to yell, 'What's with all the huge pauses? Why are you taking these extended vacations between set ups? Talk for god sake! Would a real human being say, "Hey, I went to the store the other day, and something weird happened............ it was this." Just say the damn thing! Say it! I'm beyond frustrated right now."

These are the thoughts that go through my brain. Again, not anyones fault, and I don't think there's anything wrong with this style of joke telling or the people that do it, it's just how my mind works. For me, I have to go off track, I make things up on stage, I jump around between topics. It's what works for me.

Stand up sometimes has to be somewhat linear. Doing jokes on TV, or showcasing for festivals, they want to know exactly what you are going to say. This used to be a problem for me. I can't stand the a to b of things. When I first started showcasing, I would just eat it. Maybe not all the time, but to me it felt that way. I was always told to do old jokes on festivals and TV. Do old jokes that I know work. I can't do that! I figured out what works for me. If I have to do eight minutes for TV or a showcase, I will do one or two new things with some other stuff I've been doing for a bit. Anytime I've done something on TV, I will do something pretty new to comedians standards. Like one or two months old. If I don't, everything I say will sound dry and awful. I'll look like I'm bored.

"Nathan! You just performed on TV but you looked like you were cycling through NetFlix. What movie do you think you'll pick?"
"Man, I'm not sure. Right now it's between Fast Five and VHS. Suggestions?"

ADD makes it so hard for me to stay excited about things for a long time. I get crazy addicted to things and then I'm done with them. Songs, shows, games. Even clothes. I went through a faze where I was in love with polos for some reason. I had about nine all in different colours. Then one day, boom. Didn't like them anymore. Haven't worn one since.

"Hey, do you have a problem with polo shirts? I don't see you guys together anymore."

"... I don't want to talk about it."

"You guys used to be so close, though. Did something happen?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, okay? Wait... why do you ask? Did polos ask about me?"

I do that with projects, jokes, everything. It's very hard for me to stay excited about things long term. I have to trick myself into staying excited.

It works against me in some social situations as well. I can be in a group of people and feel that I'm not apart of it. My mind doesn't stop enough sometimes to focus on what's going on in front of me. I feel alone in some social situations. I'm not great at them all the time. I'm trying to focus on people and talk, but my mind is jumping all over the place. 

It's even hard for me to write these. I could have these done in an hour if it wasn't for ADD. I sit here changing songs, checking Twitter, going to the kitchen, coming back, going back to the kitchen for no real reason, watching a video of a guy beat a level in a video game, read some news, come back to the blog, just completely zone out and think about life, go back to the kitchen for one pretzel, check phone, decide that 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen will be played ten times in a row, back to blog. And now, I believe I'm done. Pretzel.

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh