6 ways you know you're eating a sandwich.
You know, for some reason, in this topsy turvy world, people do not always know what they are eating. I hear people all the time, 'What the hell is this? What did I order? What in the goddam hell is in my stupid mouth right now?!' Well, I don't know about other foods, but I can tell you when you are eating a sandwich. Here are six ways to know how.
6 Ways You Know You're Eating A Sandwich.
1. It's on some kind of bread.
There are only some foods that are consistently on bread. Is spaghetti on bread? Who knows. It's your spaghetti. Do you need to wrap wings in pita before you take a bite? Absolutely not. Is there a rye bread involved with eating cookies? Most of the time, no. If what you're eating is contained inside of some sort of bread, it is probably a sandwich. That is pretty much what a sandwich is. Some junk between pieces of bread. Or junk wrapped up in a wrap. Or some trash thrown into some sort of tortilla. Whatever that garbage may be. You can put anything you want into a sandwich, but if what you throw together is between pieces of things made with wheat? That there, long haul trucker, is a sandwich.
"I'm a dog sandwich. That's how this whole thing works."
2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.
2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.
Sandwiches are eaten with your hands. Just about every time. You could put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Would be very strange. You could use a knife and a fork, but if you do that you probably own a horse and are a white woman from Connecticut. A white woman from Connecticut is NOT a sandwich. Let's get that straight. 'But cookies are eaten with your hands,' you say, and chips, and many other things. Is this really a sandwich I'm eating or is it a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Good question. Again, if you refer to way number one, ask yourself if what you are holding is between bread. It is? Then that there, go-kart operator, is a sandwich.
"I said, get me a fork. My hands are for reading books about why a ten year old would have this serious a face."
3. You ordered a sandwich.
3. You ordered a sandwich.
This is a pretty sure giveaway to figuring out what you're eating. A server came to your table and asked, 'What do you want?' You scream, 'Club sandwich!' You probably yelled because you were so nervous that you would make a mistake and order something else. Maybe potatoes. Maybe a garden salad. So before your mind started coming up with other food options, you screamed 'Club sandwich!' so that you'd get one. The server is startled, but puts in the order. Your food comes minutes later. Wondering what it is? No need to, crop duster. You yelled sandwich. You got sandwich.
"So you're telling me that if I order a sandwich I will get a sandwich? Must be magic."
4. It came with chips.
4. It came with chips.
When you order a steak, it doesn't come with chips. Cordon Bleu does not come with chips. Unless you ordered a lobster from a vending machine, no chips will be beside it. If you are stumped as to what you are eating, look at what came with it. If it is some kind of plain potato chip, that is probably a sandwich. It might be a hamburger or a hot dog. Those also have bread and have to be eaten with your hands. By this criteria, those are basically just different shaped sandwiches. Let's not get into that. Really nice meals don't come with chips. Enough said, book shelf repair man.
"Sure, whatever. I guess you can have Fruit By The Foot with your Duck a l'Orange. It's your personal fun house tonight!"
5. You have to keep putting it back together.
5. You have to keep putting it back together.
So the thing you are eating keeps falling apart. Tomatoes are blowing out of it. Bacon is making a jump for it every chance it gets. Mayo is falling all over the place. You can't figure out what it is because basically, in today's busy world, who has time to figure out what they're eating? Well, this is clearly a sandwich. Look, what else falls apart and contains tomatoes and bacon? Cereal? Fig Newtons? Bananas? I think not. Even if you were EATING a tomato, tomato wouldn't be blowing out of it. What you are eating, fair doctor, is a sandwich. Unless you are eating a salad with your hands. If that's the case, it's time to go back to school.
"There we go. A nice, comfortable sandwich for you to sleep in. I mean, crib. A nice comfortable crib for you to... what the hell is this thing? Whatever. I'm getting a sandwich. Flip your thing over and sleep in it."
6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'
6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'
You are eating something, and you have no idea what it is. You're enjoying it, but staring out the window of the restaurant wondering what the hell it is. Then some over-enthusiastic man walks by and yells, 'Hey! How's that sandwich?!' Now, there's no way the two of you have no idea what a sandwich is. He's probably onto something. First thing in this situation is to go, 'Oh yeah! That's what the hell this is!' Then, look that man in his face and say, 'This sandwich right here, toll booth guy? Is delicious.'
"I just want to know how your sandwiches were!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"
5 reasons men don't want to go to your wedding.
Summer time is wedding time. Tons of people feel that because it's warm outside, they are going to show their love for each other and get married. We'll, just so every one knows, men don't want to go. Just about never. Unless we're the best man, or a brother, and even then, probably not. Here are a few reasons why.
1. It's not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn't make it easy for us to get to it. It's hours away. Wait, it's a flight away? Are you serious? Haven't been on vacation in years, but we're gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don't want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what's one of the first things he says? 'Why don't you come to my house?' Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we'll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn't the best place to express your love for each other, but we'll be there.
"Hey, guys, thanks for getting married on my train to work. I really appreciate you not making me go out of my way. My stops next, so, hurry up and kiss the bride."
2. It's too far in advance.
You're in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. 'Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It's gonna be great!' How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don't have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don't like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don't like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
"6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what'll be going on then."
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We're in.
"Yep. 'Chris and Sarah's Wedding. June 7th, 2017'. If I don't get it tattooed on me I'll never remember. Hey, you think you could put flames around it? That'd be tits."
3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We've wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She's great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we're going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We'll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, 'Hey, I'll take that garter.' That won't look good, so we're staying away.
"I'm the man. I'm gonna go home and make love to this thing. Wait, no, that's not what I... I'm out of here. Thank you, Jesus!"
4. We want to sleep with the groom.
"Now THIS is a wedding we can get behind! We're so comfortable and relaxed at this wedding. I wonder what the bride will be wearing? A Snuggie? Bathrobe? More champagne, please!"
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
1. It's not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn't make it easy for us to get to it. It's hours away. Wait, it's a flight away? Are you serious? Haven't been on vacation in years, but we're gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don't want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what's one of the first things he says? 'Why don't you come to my house?' Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we'll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn't the best place to express your love for each other, but we'll be there.
2. It's too far in advance.
You're in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. 'Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It's gonna be great!' How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don't have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don't like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don't like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
"6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what'll be going on then."
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We're in.
3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We've wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She's great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we're going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We'll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, 'Hey, I'll take that garter.' That won't look good, so we're staying away.
4. We want to sleep with the groom.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the groom. We've been hiding it well, but we're actually gay. We've been looking at the groom for years now. He's always smiling. Telling great stories. He was getting out of a car one time in bike shorts and a ball fell out. Well, that cinched it. We wanted to see the other one. We do want to see him in that tux looking all cute, but we can't deal with the fact that he's marrying a damn woman! It's so hard to get a straight man to leave these women alone we've noticed. We won't be at the wedding, but we will be there to listen to all your 'Man, marriage sucks!' stories, hoping that you'll get drunk enough to take your pants off.
"Oh, marriage sucks, huh? Yeah, she's always on your back. Why don't you take your shirt off? It'll probably make you less drunk."
5. It's on a Sunday, and we can't wear sweatpants.
Your wedding is never in the middle of the week. Nobody books a 'hump day' wedding. There's no 'Tying the Knot Tuesday!' Always on a Sunday. Sundays are for chilling. Chilling is for sweatpants. Unless you have some sort of wrestling theme to your festivities, chances are we have to put on dress pants. Men don't like putting on dress pants on days that they want to chill. Dress pants are the opposite of chill.5. It's on a Sunday, and we can't wear sweatpants.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
6 reasons Breaking Bad is better than your relationship.
Breaking Bad has come back, and your relationship has never left. It's still here, being underwhelming. Could it possibly be that Breaking Bad, with its excellent writing and acting, could be better than your relationship? Yes, and here are six reasons why.
1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.
"I don't care if Breaking Bad wouldn't complain about it! Breaking Bad didn't just get called for a foul it didn't commit!"
2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.
"Wow. Today's my birthday, not Labour Day. I would love to know what he's tired from. Under-delivering? I feel like I just lost my whole family in an accident."
3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.
"You couldn't pick me up before I fell into this pile of trash? Breaking Bad put my shoes back on, that's who. No, leave me here! I want to prove a point! Plus, I landed on some magazines that are comfortable."
4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.
"Look, I just want to see ONE season of her vagina. That's it! One. I've seen fourteen seasons of yours. Is one so bad?"
5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.
"Sure, Greg, you look great without a shirt on. Jesus, can you get up? You get this drunk at your own parent's anniversary! No, God doesn't want some of your beer. Put it down!"
6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar.
"Oh, Breaking Bad wouldn't argue with you in front of people?! Well, Breaking Bad probably wouldn't do a double take on the waitress! Why don't you ask Breaking Bad for a threesome, huh? Ask that whore BREAKING BAD!"
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.
2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.
3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.
4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.
5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.
6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar.
You're at a bar with your partner in the relationship that you can barely handle. You ask him if he wants another bowl of pretzels. He doesn't hear you. He then turns and says, 'Hey, I want to get some more pretzels.' This is the fourth time he hasn't heard you.
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this?
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this?
Twitter @nathanmacintosh