Cross Promotion in movies. Needed?

It's been happening for years. McDonald’s had cups from every Batman movie when I was growing up. The only way that Jurassic Park could have been more places at the time is if they were buying up ad space inside of people.

"Oh no! Your kid just fell! Wait, is her knee bleeding a Jurassic Park poster?"

"Yeah. Fifty thousand dollars and all they did was fill her leg full of some sort of ink. When she bleeds, it tells you when the movie comes out and who stars in it. Pretty insane really. Don't cry, sweetie! Just walk near the bus stop so people can read your leg!"

I get why it happens. I do. Companies want to piggyback off a huge movie to get more money. Cool. Makes sense. But, my question is, how do they make money? Are there really people (and by asking this question I'm sure that the answer is yes) that will see a 'Cheez Its' poster featuring their favourite character and buy them because of it?

"I'd love to buy you, Ritz, I really would. But it's just YOU that are telling me to buy you. Get Aquaman to co-sign, and you'll be in my cart for sure."

Most cross promotions are characters selling things to kids. A kid will see Green Lantern drinking Kool-Aid, and yell at their parents to buy it. As of late though, it's movies with characters promoting adult products. Not like 'adult' adult products, just things that only adults are in the market for. Commercials showing Superman spliced with H&R Block.

"Superman can leap over tall buildings. He can run faster than a locomotive. But even he has a problem crossing his t's and dotting his i's. That's why he hires the professionals. H&R Block. We know taxes are your kryptonite. Let us take care of them so you can enjoy your Fortress Of Solitude."

What is this for? People HAVE to do taxes. You have to do them! It doesn't matter if a character brings them to you or not. You can't just not do them because a super hero doesn't tell you about them. Is that what happened with Wesley Snipes?

"Mr. Snipes. You are charged with tax evasion. How do you plead?"

"Bored, man. Bored. Taxes are so BORING. Just a guy in a suit on TV like 'Hey, you gotta do these'. Can't you get Cyclops or The Tick to tell me about them?"

"... Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. When you are not dressed as Blade, I find you boring as well. I get your point. Only characters telling us about things from here on out! You're free to go!"

There was a Superman commercial where Superman flew into the sky, and then, superimposed over him, 'Dodge Ram' comes into focus. What adult needs this?

"Hmmm. I don't know. I am for sure in the market for a Ram. I like the Hemi, I like all of the room in the back. But, how does Superman feel about this? I mean, I see that you have a giant inflatable ape that seems pretty excited about it, but I was never a fan of King Kong."

"I'm so glad you asked! Superman just LOVES the 2013 Dodge Ram. He was here the other day, test drove one, and was so impressed with it he flew into space, and turned back time so he could test drive it again!"

"... You wouldn't have just let him test drive it again?"

"He flew away before I had to tell him that of course he could just drive it a bit more. So, you want me to get the contract?"

Commercials for Gillette asking us how Superman shaves. Who cares how Superman shaves? Also, do we want and need to feel that Superman is apart of our actual world? Not that he's living in a made up land called Metropolis, but that we could see him riding the 1 train late for work?

"Superman! What are you doing here?"

"The roads are blocked because of the New York City marathon. I have the same problems as you."

"No you don't! You can just fly above it!"

"... Normally, yes. But I have ten dollars left on this MetroCard, and I don't want it to go to waste. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to pretend that that homeless man doesn't have his pants down... Just... like... you."

It's not just movies, obviously. Commercials showing celebrities tell us about a bank that's great are also infuriating. Jerry Stiller describing the difference between a chequing and a savings account. You loved a show he was in, why not put your money where he tells you too?

"Hey, Jerry. You were great as Mr. Constanza. Ever think of doing your banking with us?"

"... You want to bank with me? YOU GOT IT!"

There was a commercial during Iron Man 3, showing Iron Man was hurt. He's lying on the ground, his helmet comes off, and the next scene, they cut to the Bravocado sandwich from Subway. Iron Mans suit is powered by a six inch sub? I'm sure would have helped him to know at different points in his life.

"Iron Man! We need you!"

"I'm sorry. My suit is out of power. I'm gonna be a min..."

"Oh, no! What do you need to power it? Plutonium?"

"No. I just have to stop by a Subway and get an artist to make me a 6 inch Turkey Bacon sub on Italian Herb and cheese."

"... With tomato?"

"Of course! That's what puts the red in the suit."

Cross promotion should only be done on movies that know one knows about. A movie with a character that we don't all know of. There's no real reason for Captain America to be using Tide. There just isn't.

"I can't get the bullet scratches out of this suit. I've tried everything!"

"Everything? Have you tried Tides new 'Scratches, dents, and bullets detergent'? I washed a tank with it yesterday, when I was done it looked like a Mini Cooper!"

"Well by god. I thought I was going to have to get a new suit and shield! But I can just buy this for $4.99 and wash the dents right out! Thanks, Tide. If Red Skull ever attacks your office, I'll be there."

Cross promotion with movies is really only done with super hero movies, and other movies that are not going to win awards. There's not a lot of Oscar worthy movies that have this kind of promotion.

"We know Lincoln freed the slaves, but what did he do for back pain? Icy/Hot. Goes on icy to dull the pain, then turns hot to sooth it away. See Lincoln in theatres this Friday, and see why he said that 'The best thing about back pain is that Icy/Hot takes it away one day at a time."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

ADD. Focus. Where?!

I've had ADD for a long time. My whole life? That makes sense. I don't know if you can get adult onset ADD. Some people say they have ADD because they can't stop looking at their phones. That's not ADD. In the eighties when kids had ADD, they weren't just standing in the kitchen looking at a phone hanging on a wall.

"Chris! I'm talking to you! Why do you keep looking at the phone?"

"Huh? What? Oh, I don't know. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that you have to clean your roo... stop looking at the damn phone! It's not ringing!"

"I think it just beeped! Oh, that was my Krang action figure. Wait! It just rang! I told you!"

ADD does not mean your just look at electronics. It means your brain is wired different than most people.

I wasn't diagnosed with it as a kid because I was quiet. Actually, I wasn't diagnosed with it because my brother and I are close in age, and when he came around, he was given the attention for it. Did I have it? It's a little bit harder to spot in me. Did HE have it? No damn question. None at all. The man was always jumping around, yelling about something, talking nonsense. In his own words, he has 'Super Saiyan' ADD. Regular Goku gets less attention than Super Saiyan Goku.

"What's Goku doing?"

"He's just sitting there, staring off into space. Nothing big."

"Whoa! Now he's turning into a giant ape and he's talking about video games!"

"Oh no! Now this, I will pay attention to."

So, I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, and went to school where I'm sure teachers figured I had it. I was always told in school that I talked too much. 'Nathan is smart, but he talks to much'. 

Teachers HATE talking. Students talking and asking questions is most teachers kryptonite.

"Okay, class, today we're going to learn quadratic functions."

"What will we need those for?"

"Ah... just do them..."

"But, I'm just wondering when I will need to use them as an adult?"

"...Ugh... losing power... can't... contain an air of control while... being questioned... Get out... before I lose all... motor skills.... GET OUT!"

I was kicked out of class all the time, and because of that, suspended a lot. Suspensions led to an expulsion. I went back the next year and was on the honour roll, but still. I was expelled. Since I wasn't a kid who couldn't just sit and do the work they were told to do without asking questions about it, I was punished. Because my brain does not allow me to learn the way that 90% of the world does, I'm a problem? I'm expelled the same way that people who fight are? I'm on THAT level?

"You punched a woman in the face for her FUBU jacket. You're expelled. And Nathan, you asked your chemistry teacher while you'll need to know about moles? ... Wow! You asked a TEACHER a question Get the hell out right now."

During high school, I was really bored in class. I could talk and write tests at the same time, so I would. Teachers would tell me I was disrupting others, and I'm sure I was, but what  was I supposed to do? I'm smart and have ADD, and we're writing a test about Canadian history. You gave me a full hour! I'm gonna focus on a high school test about birch bark canoes as if I'm trying to disarm a bomb that only has a minute left on the timer?

"Nathan. Here's a test you could have passed when you were twelve. Give it your undivided attention."

"Okay. I need gloves, a pair of scissors, and thirty five seconds alone. Don't worry. I'm gonna get an eighty five percent on this thing."

ADD also plays apart in what I do. The way my brain works, I'm not a fan of joke jokes.  It's not that I don't 'like' like jokes, (does that make sense?) they just irritate me. Monologue jokes on late night shows is a good example. Not that they are doing anything wrong. It's not the jokes fault or the person delivering it, it's my brain. My brain just sees it and says,

"I get it. This happened, then that happened. This is too linear. God, I'm annoyed at this. I'm bored out of my damn mind. How are people enjoying this? Doesn't anyone else want to yell, 'What's with all the huge pauses? Why are you taking these extended vacations between set ups? Talk for god sake! Would a real human being say, "Hey, I went to the store the other day, and something weird happened............ it was this." Just say the damn thing! Say it! I'm beyond frustrated right now."

These are the thoughts that go through my brain. Again, not anyones fault, and I don't think there's anything wrong with this style of joke telling or the people that do it, it's just how my mind works. For me, I have to go off track, I make things up on stage, I jump around between topics. It's what works for me.

Stand up sometimes has to be somewhat linear. Doing jokes on TV, or showcasing for festivals, they want to know exactly what you are going to say. This used to be a problem for me. I can't stand the a to b of things. When I first started showcasing, I would just eat it. Maybe not all the time, but to me it felt that way. I was always told to do old jokes on festivals and TV. Do old jokes that I know work. I can't do that! I figured out what works for me. If I have to do eight minutes for TV or a showcase, I will do one or two new things with some other stuff I've been doing for a bit. Anytime I've done something on TV, I will do something pretty new to comedians standards. Like one or two months old. If I don't, everything I say will sound dry and awful. I'll look like I'm bored.

"Nathan! You just performed on TV but you looked like you were cycling through NetFlix. What movie do you think you'll pick?"
"Man, I'm not sure. Right now it's between Fast Five and VHS. Suggestions?"

ADD makes it so hard for me to stay excited about things for a long time. I get crazy addicted to things and then I'm done with them. Songs, shows, games. Even clothes. I went through a faze where I was in love with polos for some reason. I had about nine all in different colours. Then one day, boom. Didn't like them anymore. Haven't worn one since.

"Hey, do you have a problem with polo shirts? I don't see you guys together anymore."

"... I don't want to talk about it."

"You guys used to be so close, though. Did something happen?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, okay? Wait... why do you ask? Did polos ask about me?"

I do that with projects, jokes, everything. It's very hard for me to stay excited about things long term. I have to trick myself into staying excited.

It works against me in some social situations as well. I can be in a group of people and feel that I'm not apart of it. My mind doesn't stop enough sometimes to focus on what's going on in front of me. I feel alone in some social situations. I'm not great at them all the time. I'm trying to focus on people and talk, but my mind is jumping all over the place. 

It's even hard for me to write these. I could have these done in an hour if it wasn't for ADD. I sit here changing songs, checking Twitter, going to the kitchen, coming back, going back to the kitchen for no real reason, watching a video of a guy beat a level in a video game, read some news, come back to the blog, just completely zone out and think about life, go back to the kitchen for one pretzel, check phone, decide that 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen will be played ten times in a row, back to blog. And now, I believe I'm done. Pretzel.

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh

Wanna read this? Cheers.

For some reason, I'm not a fan of the expression 'cheers'. I have never been. I'm not sure why. I can't pinpoint it. It's just something that hits my ears in a strange way. I don't believe that I was ever attacked by a person who wouldn't stop saying it, but maybe.

"Give me your wallet, cheers!"

"What?! Are you joking?"

"Do I look like I'm joking? Cheers! Give me that wallet! Cheers!"

"I'm so confused! Here's my wallet. What's happening?!"

"Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!"

Pretty sure that never happened, but even still, I'm not a fan of the phrase.

There was a point in time when it was said for a specific reason. It used to be said in North America when people were having drinks. Cheers-ing a drink is a sort of celebration. Makes sense.

"We are having drinks. I am happy about this and you should be as well. Let's connect glasses."

"Cheers!"

"I believe you meant to say 'clink', but sure! 'Cheers' works indeed!"

There was a specific reason for it. But now people say it at the end of a ton of sentences. Used to be just for clanking drinks, but now people say it when a waitress brings them the Buffalo wing sauce they requested.

"Can I have some more napkins?"

"For sure."

"Cheers."

"Cheers? To what? Are we celebrating?"

"Oh, I don't mean 'cheers', I mean thank you."

"Then why don't you just say thank you? I just signaled for a beer when you said that. Now I'll just drink it alone and go get napkins. 'Cheers'."

It has its place in parts of the world. England for one, and if you are from there and say it, I get it. But if you live and were born in North America? Doesn't make sense. Unless you are from a part of the world that says it, there's no reason to adopt it. There's no other phrase from parts of the world that people adopt. People don't visit Canada and start saying 'eh'. People don't come back from Germany and keep 'danke schoen' in their vocabulary.

"I'll take a bag. Danke schoen."

"Sie sind willkommen."

"What?"

"That's German for 'thank you'. I thought you said danke schoen because you knew I was German."

"No, I just visited there and kept saying it when I got back."

"...Don't do that."

It feels as though people who haven't traveled say it. A lot of people use it to seem more worldly. People drop it to APPEAR as though they have traveled around and picked up some customs.

"Hey, man, you just used a phrase that is really only said in Japan. Have you been there?"

"No. I have a friend from there, though. And I've always wanted to go."

"...Okay. Do you get a free flight when you say the phrase or something?"

It's the same way when some people travel and come back with an accent. Gone for a month, and now speak like an Australian.

"Hey, mate, want to go to my flat? We don't have to take the stairs, we can take the lift."

"What?"

"This is how people in Australia talk. Mate is friend, flat is apartment and lift is elevator. Isn't that interesting?! Here, have a Tim Tam."

"Ah, that is great! You remember how we speak in North America, correct? It's called sarcasm. That is not great."

When did this start? Who brought this over? How did it catch on to a degree that now anytime you leave your house you will hear somebody say it somewhere. Was there one man from the past who flew into North America and decided that this needed to stick?

"Hark! I am a man from Europe's past. I am a fan of all things medieval, and I was a fan of Downton Abbey before it even came out. I have a word that I use at the end of sentences that I believe you should use."

"What is it, sir? Goodbye? Later? We use those. Thanks, perhaps?"

"No, you daft human. I'm speaking of a word that says all of those things, while also saying nothing at all. The word is: cheers."

"...Cheers. Huh. I don't know how I feel."

"If you had said 'cheers' at the end of that sentence, it would have sounded more sophisticated!"

"...I don't know how I feel... cheers. Wow! You're right! I'm sold! Thanks, winged creature!"

I can remember maybe six years ago when it being said was very out of place. People would hear it and if you didn't fit the description of a person who would be saying it, you were called out.

"Hey, what'd you just say? Speak like a human being who speaks over here speaks like."

"That sentence was terrible."

"Your face will feel terrible if you say cheers again. Oh, was that your plan? Get me to say cheers? That's it. You're dead."

It's never really said casually by people who weren't brought up with it. Say for instance, when people from England say it – it seems effortless. There's no forcing it. When someone from North America says it, there seems to be a little bit of pushing. It takes a bit of effort to get it out.

"I appreciate you holding that door for me.... Cheers."

"Why did you pause when you said cheers?"

"What? I didn't. I say it normally just as the people who grew up with it do."

"No, you didn't. You seemed to take a minute for your brain to process what you were about to say."

"No, no! I swear! I've practiced saying at home. Cheers! See? Cheers!"

"Still sounds a bit odd. I will never hold a door for another human being again."

Cheers means so many different things. Goodbye, thanks, see you. It's also a sitcom from the 80s. I think we should be able to put in any of those that we want. Let's drop 'cheers', and use other sitcoms.

"Hey, man. Thanks for coming over."

"No problem, dude. Coach."

"Coach?"

"Yeah. It's like Cheers, but I never liked that show. I always thought Craig T. Nelson was underrated and better in a starring role in a sitcom than Ted Danson, so I say 'Coach' to promote him. So, Coach."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh